Introduction new member

Hi,

Hopefully there is nothing that requires a TW* in here, but being so new we are not sure.

We are really new to all of this and are grateful there is a community out here for DID. We have been in therapy with an awesome T for a year and a half now. Six months ago we totally cut ties with the ab*sers and moved. Our latest split has happened due to a legal name change and is a teammate who is separate from all past abuse.

In the process of becoming safe and the work we have done in therapy up till this point. Teammates (our name for alters) have began to come forward. Almost all members at this time seem to be Little Ones (four that my partner has told me about), the Guardian of the team, and a couple more older beings are known but there has been no communication. I am barely co conscious with the Guardian/Protector and nobody else at this point.

In session today our T wanted to talk about once she has a better grasp on meeting everyone where to go from there. She has been working with us with IFS therapy sort of as she believed we had C-PTSD till the last couple weeks. She is willing to go in any direction that feels most healing to us. She is going to consult with a DID expert to get more knowledgeable as she is learning as much as we are.

We are scared, overwhelmed, and not sure how to proceed with anything. We would love it if other systems would like to share how their early diagnosis time was and things that helped ground you.

Thank you so much in advance!

Hello hbodhi, welcome to the forum!

We're glad your T is going to consult with an expert. We'd suggest she familiarize herself with the ISSTD treatment guidelines (its a free pdf) and perhaps do some online training with them.

I don't believe it's necesasry for your T to meet everyone in your system to proceed with treatment. Our T certainly hasn't met more than a handful of us.

We're still sort of starting our own healing journey and lots of other folks are more experienced at this stuff, so I'm sure others will chime in with more advice and stuff for you.

What we've found though, is that its really important to show compassion to all members of the system, even / especially the troublesome ones. They're usually the ones who're hurting the most. Even if you can't directly communicate, just be kind and patient and compassionate with all of you, and that goes a long way to building trust and stuff.

Good luck!

Arin & others

Hi hbodhi,

Welcome! I agree with Arin & others that your T doesn't have to meet everyone, and that she should read the ISSTD guidelines. But it's good that she realizes you should be in charge of how therapy goes and what you talk about. There are online courses through the ISSTD so she can learn the basics, and consulting with an expert in an ongoing way is a good idea also.

Some of us have journey threads on here, and you can go back to the beginning of them to see how things were when we were first diagnosed. You can also search on various terms, so if you look for things like "intro," "new here," "introduction," etc, you'll come up with other initial posts and can see how others dealt with it.

When I first became aware of parts, almost two years ago, I read tons of old posts on here.

It's a long process, and it's very important to go slowly and take good care of yourselves. One thing that it helped me to remember at first is that nothing had changed except my awareness. The system had been functioning and doing its job without me knowing about it, for decades.

--the Gang

Thank you all for your welcome. We just shared the ISSTD info with our T and are grateful we could give her something to help. We are going to spend time on the forums today familiarizing ourselves a little more. We have SOOO many questions. Here is one more thing that confused us yesterday with our T and confuses her we believe.

We have shared trauma over the last year we were aware of at times and so T believes that our beings may not hold more as she thinks we have pretty good awareness - this is where some of her confusion lies. We believe there is still very big memory gaps between us and cannot explain why we have told some and how there is more. I use to tell her FBD (flying baby dragon) was just giving us enough to build trust.

Thank you the Gang this is such great reassurance - "nothing had changed except my awareness. The system had been functioning and doing its job without me knowing about it, for decades."

Thank you Arin and others for - "just be kind and patient and compassionate with all of you, and that goes a long way to building trust and stuff".

Welcome to the forums. Glad to hear you've got a T willing to like work with you and learn, too. Our's is learning and getting better- still prefers to call us "facets" or "parts" of Zor, but not like hostile of our individuality and uniqueness... but it's a big change from the start.

A T willing to learn and adapt to suit your needs and healing the best is fantastic! We're glad you have that! Hope we are like helpful and stuff here on these forums, too!

{\Pixie/}

Thanks for welcome Pixie!

We thought we'd like to introduce the team members we are aware of, so you can get to know us a little better:
The Body - 48 yr old f
Tiger (m) - gate keeper
Turtle (dragon) (m) - main protector
FBD (flying baby dragon) - protector
Panther (f) - still learning
Mary - 3 yrs innocence
Lily - 3 to 7 yrs have only heard of her from other alter
Alex (f) 7 yrs old and Johnny 5 -7 yrs old(m: uses sign language)
Jack (m) - 9 yrs old
Bunny - mirrored into our team
H - new to system 6 months ago
A couple fragments

At this point it seems everyone within awareness is beginning to come out to be known. There does not seem to be a host. There is also not a lot of co-consciousness. We have started to see some of each other through art and minimal journaling. Our therapist and life partner have met 4 or 5 of us and share with the rest of us.

Maybe putting the introduction to our team was too much. Somebodies freaking out inside. When outside people tell us this is going on it is really hard to grasp. It is hard to believe anything could have caused this big of a coping skill. Losing time, being told by others parts of a life forgotten, struggling to understand, wanting to heal but not aware of what that actually looks like .... this is tha struggle. Do any of you ever feel this way?

hbodhi wrote:Maybe putting the introduction to our team was too much. Somebodies freaking out inside. When outside people tell us this is going on it is really hard to grasp. It is hard to believe anything could have caused this big of a coping skill. Losing time, being told by others parts of a life forgotten, struggling to understand, wanting to heal but not aware of what that actually looks like .... this is tha struggle. Do any of you ever feel this way?

A lot of ppl here have to deal with that. We are more or less ok with Zor's sig like showing all our names and stuff, but we don't have a good grasp of our ages yet (that's complicated) and "roles" per se... I kinda function as a protector type, sorta kinda... but that's been "there's trouble, so I am taking X person away from it"... which is kinda not so protective in whole cuz SOMEONE suffers from bad stuff still, but IDK...

But we've only been actively trying to like make sense of our whole like existence for about a year, too. Before that Zor didn't know who/what we were, and only TWO of all of us had any clue at all... everyone else lived inside and had limited exposure out through the internet and considered "inside" to be "the real world" and the minor diffs and complications between them was like explained away or like just ignored or whatever...

But anyhow, back on point- we're learning, too, that teamwork in everything is best, especially exposing yourselves. That pun is on purpose, cuz it IS deeply personal and causes feelings of insecurity sometimes. Hope that all that did't cause TOO much discomfort, but if it helps, ppl here are very nice and helpful and kind... Very supportive.

{\Pixie/}

hbodhi wrote:At this point it seems everyone within awareness is beginning to come out to be known. There does not seem to be a host. There is also not a lot of co-consciousness. We have started to see some of each other through art and minimal journaling. Our therapist and life partner have met 4 or 5 of us and share with the rest of us.
...

When outside people tell us this is going on it is really hard to grasp. It is hard to believe anything could have caused this big of a coping skill. Losing time, being told by others parts of a life forgotten, struggling to understand, wanting to heal but not aware of what that actually looks like .... this is tha struggle. Do any of you ever feel this way?

So those comments I really identify with. Pixie didn't mention much about it other than that I was unaware of her and the others (that they were more than friends I'd made online). But I absolutely understand those feelings... not understanding what could have caused this, how you lose time every single day (I lose 2-3 hours a day- others are out and I have NO awareness of what they are doing). We have a little journaling with a few, Pixie most of all (she's got some internal communication going with me now), and it's rare to see others write much at all (once or twice a month for a few, once or twice every few months for another 1-2 of them, and one has written just ONCE, and a handful never yet).

But having this "You're saying I said/did what?!" thing, and seeing signs of things being done that you don't recall doing, etc... The confusion and stuff that comes with that. I know that very very well. That struggle IS my daily life, even a year after learning WHY it's been happening for years (most of my life and realizing THAT is hard, too).

As for "why"... generally it is trauma related. I had a recurring nightmare, 3-4 times a year, most of my life. Since becoming aware of the others and what they are, how we all exist together, that is a LOT more common- but I am also learning WHY that is, too. My mother gave some insights as to "a possibility" (before later recanting after talking to my Dad who denies any of that was possible, but also denies THEY had been abused as kids, too, so...). I suspect it was **TRIGGER WARNING** sexual abuse as a toddler, and likely again at about 11-12 (different offenders- and neither of them my parents) **END WARNING** b/c of nightmares I've been having since being more aware and learning more... but I don't KNOW that for fact yet. It is very very likely, and the T thinks it's almost certainly the case, but unprovable from nightmares and memories alone- we're working on the belief this is the case, the cause.

So there will be answers eventually. First and foremost, work on communication and getting to know everyone. Being more connected helps get answers, and even if they don't come soon (or at all- though I suspect that's not very likely), you can AT LEAST get more cooperative existence and less confusion and "missing" time. That is actually OUR goal right now, trying to get as many of us as actively communicating regularly to minimize the confusion and chaos for ALL OF US. Along with that, information and ideas about where they come from and what was going on in that time of my/our life, etc... but it's all very hazy and fuzzy still... It's been an entire YEAR... but this is NOT a fast process. It could take 3-5 years to get a good idea, maybe a lifetime to REALLY understand it. It's NOT fast, it's NOT easy... but it's worth the work.

That's my 2 cents.

Pixie I so get the part about it causes insecurities at times .... there's alot right now. I am so grateful for you and all the others in these forums to feel less alone.

Zor I really needed to hear "It's NOT easy, it's NOT fast ..... but it is worth it." Like you I am probably losing two maybe three hours a day.

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Just got back from therapy. T read the ISST-D guidelines and such but is saying she is worried how dated it is (2011) and the IFS is so much newer and what is used more often currently. When she talks about IFS I get some of it, I guess (not sure we do but I do). I think I would of got it more a couple weeks ago before we had an awareness of our team as much as at present. She is actually thinking of trying a hybrid of ISST-D and IFS so we will see. She goes and talks to a expert who works with severe trauma next week that wrote The Complex Trauma workbook. Not sure why it unsettles me so much but it does. I have always just done whatever therapy with her that evolved and felt healing. We do know she will do what is best for our healing so that is most important.