Underestimating trauma

I was just thinking... Of course this comes from dissociation itself but I keep finding myself thinking "Well my trauma isn't that bad, I did develop this illness but there are people who got it so much worse out there." And there is. But our own trauma was... Also bad.


***trigger warning***
We were subjected to a lot of verbal and physical abuse and emotional neglect. I can confidently say we never went to bed hungry, I always had good clothing as good as we could afford anyway, I always even had some luxuries. Even if we couldn't afford a gaming console several times a year I could purchase books. I had toys and paints and I even had my own room. It was a manipulative household where everyone screamed at each other and there was a lot of physical abuse despite not being extreme. We were just always lonely. Also we were purposefully neglected by our elementary school teacher.
***trigger warning end***

But like. I seem to frequently forget about those. I'm at a point in therapy where our current goal is to remember and solve the bad stuff and remember there were good stuff too. And I realise that I don't want to forget about the bad things. I want to remember it and I want to know it all and I want to appreciate where I am now and I want to appreciate all the good stuff I had among all the bad stuff.

I just want to know: am I the only one feeling like this? Both about constantly forgetting the hell I went through and thinking it wasn't that bad, and also about I want to remember and move on?

- Mia + some others

Yeah so almost everything you just said, we could basically say word for word.

Like, we don't have / don't remember any extreme physical abuse. No sexual abuse. Just stuff that "doesn't seem that bad". But here we are.

And then there's stuff that does kind of come up now and then, or comes out now and then.

*** trigger warning ***

We were abused by our grade 2 teacher. And repeatedly by the dentist our mum repeatedly took us to. We were bullied almost constantly till around grade 6. Our dad beat us a bunch. Our mum was and still is manupulative and emotionally neglectful. Our whole family took advantage of us / exploited us for years and years.

*** end trigger warning ***

But even after all that, it still doesn't seem that bad? Like, that was all just normal, that's what we were used to. We thought every family was like that.

Main difference for us is we're really early in our therapy and haven't even got to dealing with memory stuff. We're still struggling for stability, still just sort of getting to know and understand each other. And for now we don't really want to remember the details. We'd like to just move on without having to go through the painful stuff.

Viola

I too could have written that post. I am now many years into therapy and past the stage where we have dug, and gone on about, all the past trauma.
It is clearer than it was but I will never really know the extent of what happened and I struggle to accept what I (or others ) remember.
The difference now is that I have sort of accepted that and in therapy have moved on to how I exist in society and get on with my life. it still comes up, and I think T would like it to come up more, but talking about trauma is not the core of what we discuss any more.
I feel like I have just, sort of, moved on from wondering now. I don't know if that helps but if you feel you are in a pit with all the wondering, so was I but I moved on. perhaps you will to?

I may be right, I may be wrong. To me trauma does not have lesser or more than any trauma or abuse, just about the same thing. I, the host Bill, have not dealt with any of the trauma of my past. My T told me that I gave the traumas to other alters so I would not have to deal with them, so maybe that is why some days that maybe the others are more present and I feel so bad, sad and messed up. I know that the time for me to deal with this is very close. As I have had clues to this being DID, I simply ignored it as to not tell anyone what was going on in my head. You see that I am very close to being 70 years old and was diagnosed 3 years ago with amnesic DID, so I did not want to accept any of it, yet I knew somehow this was true. Today due to the work I've done maybe only 30% amnesic is left, much memory (sharing with the others) has returned. So I give my opinion again, do not think that one trauma is worse than another, all trauma is bad.

pain can't be tallied, weighed, measured and compared.

it simply is. it's endured. it's felt. it leaves it's scars. visible or invisible. known or unknown. remembered or unremembered.

everyone of us is living in a reality defined by our own perception. even our description of our perception is influenced by the environment that gave us our gauge of "normal".

so truly........even if there were a metric for pain--- so much of human experience is lost in translation from perception to perception, we could never validly compare it.

after all these years......enough is the ######6 worst word. did I have enough head trauma to cause ataxia and dementia? did I have enough psychological trauma to have DID? does it ######6 matter? we are me and my brain isn't working. so yeah... apparently it was enough. or more than enough---- for me. and in the end that's all that matters.

what is enough for you.

I guess I sort of feel that way with body image. like that's a personal struggle for everyone. and it's not my place to judge what somebody else is feeling or going through. I know gorgeous women who struggle miserably over their butt or thighs or chin or 5lbs on their belly. and that probably ###$ them up way worse than my body image does....even though I look like a ######6 sasquatch sometimes. it's like.....not for me to say to anyone what is hard or not hard for them. even if it might be different from my own experience.

trauma is the same. deeply, deeply personal. and impossible to compare.

Tbh, I read your post thinking "thank ###$ it's not just us". We have a similar experience with not feeling that our trauma is 'severe' enough, despite similar scenarios - no sexual violence or even real physical trauma, the primary issues were severe emotional abuse over a protracted period of time. We're still struggling with the fact that trauma is trauma, it's not a case of somebody's trauma being worse than another's, it just is what it is. So you're not alone. And try not to beat yourself up about it. Jen.

Same here. I've said several times to my T, "but nothing really bad happened!" (And to my husband, too, for that matter.) And that makes it my fault that I responded this way--I was just "too sensitive" to deal with it.

So, no, you're not alone in feeling this way.

Yep. I didn't realise my mother was anything, I thought she was perfect until I went into therapy and started talking about my childhood. It was very shocking and I was in disbelief for a long while. It's not easy to accept that what you believed was so different from the reality especially about your mother who you put so much faith and trust in as a child.

But since I accepted reality and put my own boundaries in place to minimise her disruption I have been "well" (as well as I can be" and out of hospital and off medication for years so that speaks for itself regardless of whatever I would like to be true.

I had alot of science training. In science you take a hypothesis and work from that. My first hypothesis at 18 was that pot and a trauma caused by someone outside my family made me ill. I stopped the pot and rearranged my life. I got ill again regardless, triggered by my mother. But at that point I concluded stress was the trigger and confusion about life goals so I avoided all stress and changed my priorities. Then I had a stress and my psychiatrist said I would of become ill regardless of medication under that stress if his diagnosis was correct. I had a very doctor at the time who wasn't afraid to admit he may be wrong. So he took me off medication and I was well for years, still avoiding stress, staying away from drugs and being very careful with my life goals. Then my eldest son had a trauma which triggered me to feel I would become unwell. The psychiatrist sent me to therapy instead of putting me back on medication. In therapy talking about my childhood and looking at each incident of what caused me to be unwell my hypothesis formed that my mother was at the route of it. I set boundaries with the therapists help. A few years passed and I let the boundaries drop and my mother came on holiday with me for a week. After that week I ended up being admitted to hospital. I've avoided her since then, put my boundaries firmly in place, that was 6years ago and so far I'm "well"

To be clear when I say "well" I mean not "ill" By ill I mean: lost touch with reality, delusional, don't know my name, hallucinations sometimes, compulsive irrational behaviour, dangerous behaviour. Which I've realised is "the twins" I realise I'm not "well" in the conventional sense of the word because I have alters and we share time and have different life views but I'm "well" in that I'm functioning in life, living life and having enjoyment from life. Not in the way people usually do, I'm guessing, because one part of me would not find enjoyable what other parts do but all parts are taking some enjoyment and fulfillment in being alive and function in life. So although I'm not conventionally "well" I'm not "ill" either.

Being "well" I achieved by accepting what happened with my mother and taking action about it. The life stuff I've done has improved my quality of life and functioning but that isn't what keeps me "well" because I was doing all that and my mother still managed to tip me over the edge.

So if you're unsure I'd make a hypothesis and then by actions work out if the hypothesis is accurate or not.

I think what was a convincing read, think of it in this way. Sexual abuse and torture causes other ways of identifying oneself for example I'm a girl/ I'm boy ectera. I think it is about the sense of self that starts to happen when it is about sexual abuse and torture. If I was you I would keep searching to make sure this isn't possible. Also, if born into or have a innate ability to dissociate then this is a factor when consersider slighter trauma, for example some of the mindset of your parents and grandparents....

We thought that too. Still do sometimes. Or so many others suffered same abuse so more common..No big deal. T said if lot of people break leg, does that mean our broken leg no big deal. No! We still have to get cast, have to wear it for a long time, go to PT, take med, go to doc, have xrays. Maybe not drive. Wrap in plastic when showering. All that stuff. Don't get to skip xrays cuz a lot of people have had a broken leg.