We did something stupid

*TW* / description of self-h*rm, please read safely

We never realized until recently what JR has done, and it's not good.
It all began last summer when his self-destructive impulses began to show up. I think moving to another city without the fear of anyone finding out triggered it all even more. I just didn't know what to do, so I let him self harm. But I never realized how bad it could be.
We always felt no pain at all, ever. Not during, not after. No matter how deep it was, no pain ever came out. But most of the times, he just wanted to see the red that came out, because it soothed him immediately. It was so relieving to him, and at the same time I didn't feel anything about it because I didn't know how to calm him down and it seemed like a last resort. We tried smoking, but it was not enough, and was even more damaging to us. I gave up, and now the consequences are all over our shoulder. And they are so evident that you can see them from far away.

I don't know why I didn't think about the consequences. It's like I just realized that this, for external people, is my body. I always thought "oh yea, but I'm not doing it, he's doing it, so it's not that bad". It was stupid.
Now I don't know what I'll say to whoever will see them. Because they will. Everyone will. I cannot just go on vacation without everyone of my friends and family seeing them. And they will think I did that, when I didn't. I never wanted to, before JR woke up, because I always understood the consequences. Nobody had to know about my condition, but now they will think there's something wrong with me. I don't know why we did this and why I thought we could get away with it. It's all becoming real just now.

Now I'm doubting if I should tell at least my mom about the fact that it's not me who's wanting to do that, it's another person in my mind. But I know she won't ever believe me. She doesn't want to, she always saw me as her golden child. She doesn't want to acknowledge I have any kind of problems, 'cause it's too scary for her.

Does anyone have similar experiences with self harm? Did you deal with it somehow?

I have but I dont cut deep much only when I really need to get the point accross. Nobody says anything about the scars anymore but I am not allowed to talk to my daughter if I cut. So I am very careful about whats visible. I have wanted to cut deep recently but I dont because I want to talk to my daughter. I used to think I had an alter named Tessa that was the one wanting to cut but I am not sure about that anymore. Just saying I can sort of relate.

Hi exul,

We've had some issues with self-harm in the past. There were sort of two ways it manifested... things like cuts and bruises, previous host was really good at hiding. Like, upper arms where it's always covered by even short-sleves. Or lower arms during winter when it's covered by longsleeves.

We've been lucky that most of the scars have faded pretty well. The worst scar got covered up with a piercing when the Violets took over.

The more insidious stuff though was overeating and drinking. Enough years of that and the results are obvious no matter what you wear and the damage is long-term.

I hear you about not thinking of consequences too, we've had a host who was like that too, could never think about what might happen afterwards.

I don't have any answers about what to do about telling your family.

I can say, our sister got a lot of really awful tattoos when she was 16 or 17 years old. Way too young, no idea how she convinced someone to do that to her, but she had some really dumb stuff on her upper arms and shoulders and who-knows-where-else. She's kept them hidden ever since.

Not kidding, she's like...47yo now? So for about 30 years she's simply worn longsleve tops or tight-fitting shortsleve tops, so that it was hidden. yes, even on family vacations. If people question it she just says she's sensitive to sunlight or she has psoriasis or whatever. I'm positive our parents never saw those tattoos.

*** trigger warning discussion self harm ***

As far as dealing with the urges, we have a couple things in our system. First off is the 'obvious' one, just fight it / don't do it. But that doesn't always work. Second off, V2 sometimes gets piercings because it gives the rush / endorphins with pain and yes it leaves a permanent mark, but it's (sort of) socially acceptable.

Yes some people think it's gross or icky or whatever, but "omg why'd you get a piercing there?!" is still 1000x easier to answer than "omg why did you do that to yourself?!" Or more practically, being interested in body piercing won't get you locked up, but self-harm might.

Tattooing would do the same thing I suspect; it's kind of painful to get and it's a permanent mark on the body. With piercing at least, if you take the jewelry out it'll usually close up and almost disappear. Ink's a lot harder to get rid of. They're both addictive though, and can cause trouble with employers & school etc.

Nyssa has recently surfaced in our system and she likes to see blood. We're working to ensure she doesn't do anything regretable or foolish.

Arin

We needed therapy in order to stop hurting the body. It was the first proper therapy.
I even told the T that I would black out and wake up with the damage, but it was just assumed to be "normal" dissociation.

My long-term advice would be to do behavioral chain analysis: https://cls.unc.edu/files/2014/10/Behavior-Chain-Analysis-Information-1.pdf
It's about figuring out what prompted the behaviour and what you could do to interrupted the normal way things go (in order to stop the behaviour).

Short-term: there are some good apps that can help you manage the urges, like Calm Harm: https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=uk.org.stem4.calmharm&hl=en

Personally, I have kind of worked out a system to manage the urges by now (and I haven't hurt myself in many years). I always post-pone the urges, I try to look at the need behind the urge (usually to feel in control, to stop dissociating, or to express anger). Then I try to meet the need in a different way. Or sometimes I try to observe the need and feelings from a distance. Like, there's so much going on, and I don't have to do anything about it. I can let it be.
For me it's also really important to get regular exercize. That helps to keep the urges managable.

As far as the wounds/scars are concerned - I personally always made sure to hide them. Would that be no option at all? Even for things like swimming, you could potentially wear a swim shirt and swim pants.

Good luck. It's no fun to be so scared.

TW - self-harm

I have at least two alters who self-harm. They burn, cut and scratch. I wear scars from all kinds of self-harm all over my arms from my younger years. When I was young I worked at the humane society and a lot of people would dismiss them as the scars of working with feral animals. More recently, though, my kids have become adolescents and have experimented and have friends who have experimented with self-harm, so I showed them my scars and told them what they were, and the fact that they still showed, 25 years later. I wanted them to know that their choices have life-long consequences. I do not want them to know that I still self-harm, or that I have alters who do it. We have a rule, now, that all self-harm happens in areas that can be covered with a one piece bathing suit. I have terrible scars all over my stomach where one of my alters burned hateful words into my skin, but most recently it's mostly just cutting because seeing the blood (and the more, the better) seems to have a calming effect on them. I don't really know what to do about it. My therapist knows. She hasn't seen it, but I always report honestly in my journal that she reads. It feels out of my control. When we tried to talk about it in session and she talked about me not deserving the pain, the one behind that self-injury came to the front and yelled at her that I do deserve it, and then shut me down. So now, it does happen pretty regularly, and it produces a lot of blood, but it's not been deep enough to require medical attention, so it's non-life-threatening, but I don't know how to control it or stop it.
KK

I think someone doing it to you sounds even more horrifying for someone who can not deal with problems. But the fact is, you do have DID, and yes, it really happens, to all of us and it changes things and lives would've been very different without it. Not without DID, it's what saved us, but without trauma that changed us.

If your mom is too weak to deal with her daughters problems, it is not your job to sooth her down or let her live in a lie. She should be the one soothing you, because those problems are YOURS not hers. Don't ever let any of them make it about them, when it's about you. If she has wrong kind of picture of you in her mind, it is not your fault and you don't have to live to fulfill her beliefs. They are not true and she needs to face it. Her daughter has problems, and needs support.

You need to understand you need support from them. You don't need to keep them safe from your problems, it' not how relationships should be. I know they can be, but then they need to be fixed. And what isn't fixable, needs to be ended, but it is way too early to make judgement for that. They may need time, but them using you as their support for it is not OK.

It's not OK to make anyone watch your self harm either, if it's continuous problem. But the way you put it, I understood you don't do it anymore. I mean as a system, not you, I know you didn't do it at all.

It is not just you who needs to deal with reality. Maybe you feel overwhelmed by it, because you lack support from where it should come, from your closest ones. The big question is, is that just the way you fear it will be, or is that the reality about them? Do you have a T and/or people you can talk to?

Some people have scars and some don't. There are laser treatments for them that can help to deal with them if they are very visible. Some people take tattoos to cover them, but it can be hard job to do and needs someone who understands how to work on damaged skin. But I do not think that is the real issue in your message. What I hear is human relationships needing to be fixed and you realizing they will change now.

Don't be scared. It can be really hard, but it is needed. At some point you need to be honest, you can not live a lie. It can turn out to be a good thing there was a reason that forced you to think about things again now, and not 20 wasted years later.

Maybe tell them beforehand. Tell you have something you haven't shared, because it's hard. And you need support for it, not pity, not anger, not someone being horrified, but support. Because that's the way things just are. When you go and spend your time on a beach with them, they need to be on your side there. Tell you hope them to be on your side even when you are scarred.

To random people you can always say what ever. Tell them you were attacked by a shark. Or by a lion to the next one. Try make a new one to everyone who asks. It's not bad. There are plenty of injuries and disabilities people can see. Some prefer to cover them, some live openly. I think it's your choice. Just think WHY are you hiding if you decide to do so and what does that mean long term. If it's because of shame, it's something to work on. If it's because you think it's not anyone's business since you're an introvert, it's OK.

Fourteen's system has many parts who do self harm. Some of them want to make scars, and he has lot of traumas that should've left deep scars. But in the inner world his skin is always perfect. There is one wound he keeps unhealed all the time, it helps one tween to have it there, so he doesn't make new ones. He would like his skin to tell his story, but it doesn't. He doesn't think it long term, because he can not see himself living long life. To him it's not the pain, but to make it visible, because he can't describe his feelings. Wearing bandages helps sometimes. I bought black ones with star wars pictures in them. They were for the little one, but teens are OK with them, since they're black and not too childish. He also draws and writes stupid things in his arms with permanent marker and lets other teens do it too. They don't do it to make fun of him, they are just foolish like teens can be and think it's funny to write dirty words on someones skin. They think he's brave to do a stupid thing like that. He has also drawn naughty pictures on his rooms walls in the inner world. You can always paint over them if you regret, but he doesn't regret. Sometimes he feels ashamed, but then he feels too bad to do anything about it. And then he will be rebellious again and draw more.

In his systems there are plenty ways and reasons to self harm, but to make it visible is the one that affects most on outside as well. So we came up with ideas how to make it visible other ways. It's his way to ask for help, when he doesn't trust anyone to actually have help from them. He still hopes it, although he can not handle it. In your system it was about blood. But what is it in blood that is so fascinating? Understanding the goal, when it's not suicidal but there as a coping mechanism, helps a lot, because then you can find other ways to do the same.

A bit late, but thank you all for the kind replies.
It does feel better knowing we are not the only ones stuggling with this.

We also thought about getting a tattoo where the scars are, but indeed like Floralie said, it's difficult to find someone who knows how to cover up damaged skin. Furthermore, some of them are pretty evident and prominent, so I don't know if getting a tatto there would be useful with covering it up when it will probably get even more attention. We tried piercings and indeed they can feel like something to take away the urge for a while, but since the main goal of the whole thing seems to be the blood and not the pain (even because we don't feel it at all), that might not be the perfect solution. We like piercings in general though. And also tattoos.

I didn't know that the sight of blood was apparently a common thing for alters of this kind. I personally don't even know why JR likes it so much. I'm sorry for everyone that has to go through this.

fireheart wrote:I always post-pone the urges, I try to look at the need behind the urge (usually to feel in control, to stop dissociating, or to express anger). Then I try to meet the need in a different way. Or sometimes I try to observe the need and feelings from a distance.

This seems what we tried to do sometimes. The fact is, I'm not always in complete control of the body and the mind when this happens. JR is, and this would be a thing that mainly he would have to do when he gets those strong urges. He tried doing that sometimes and I'm proud of him for that, I appreciate him trying. Thats mainly the reason why we stopped a couple months ago. We'll keep doing it as you suggest, and we'll surely bring this up in therapy when we'll have the chance.
Also tired CalmHarm for a while, but ironically, we uninstalled it when we most needed it. We'll try to get back on it and see what happens.
And replying to your last question, I'm afraid that a whole bathing suit would not be 100% effective in covering everything up because my family would equally ask why I wear that and, especially knowing my mother, she wouldn't let me do that just because of many stupid reasons. Thank you for the suggestion anyway, I appreciate it.

Floralie wrote:If your mom is too weak to deal with her daughters problems, it is not your job to sooth her down or let her live in a lie. She should be the one soothing you, because those problems are YOURS not hers. Don't ever let any of them make it about them, when it's about you. If she has wrong kind of picture of you in her mind, it is not your fault and you don't have to live to fulfill her beliefs. They are not true and she needs to face it. Her daughter has problems, and needs support.

I thought about this many times, but I always brush this thought off with "she's weak and she needs to feel like everything is okay". Unfortunately I know that you're right, and I agree with everything you say. The fact is that with my mother it's a bit complicated, since I always felt like a sort of parent to her, and I have a protective instinct towards her because I know she's fragile even when she likes to think she's strong. She's pretty much alone and she has to take care of my bother, and I don't want her to worry about me (even though I know this is not okay to think since she is indeed my parent). She gives me support since I moved out, and she's now always kind to me and reassures me whenever she feels I need to. She's never done that ever, or at least that I can think of. But I think it's normal, she doesn't see me anymore and she misses me, so she tries her best to be kind and affectionate cause she doesn't want me to leave her. But anyways, I decided that if I'll get the diagnosis, then I will tell her. She'll deny everything again like she always did, but at least it would be easier for me to explain why I struggle and for what exactly I'm getting help.
Apart from that, I have a T and I feel like I have support from my friends, even if probably not from my family. I don't think they ever dealt with something like this, but they care for me, so I hope they'll understand even if I won't say anything to them and they'll just find out. They know what to ask and what not to ask. As you said, I cannot live a lie. I'm not ashamed, I just feel like this will get attention and people will make up their own stories in their head, and I don't want that. I know it's inevitable, but that is what gives me the most anxiety.
But thank you again for your reply, it has been really useful and reassuring. I hope you're all doing well in your system.

Hope everyone is well, thank you again and have a good day