My son

I've been incredibly depressed for I don't know how long. I think that's why they keep leaving me on my own hoping I'll process it. If I have another alter with me their emotions take over and I'm basically kinda living off their emotions but I'm actually really depressed.

My latest "excuse" for depression is my son. Its not an excuse, it's a valid reason but depression feels so self indulgent I feel like any "reason" must be and "excuse"

I've mentioned my eldest son here a couple of times. He had a trauma young and I reported it, he had play therapy. I ended up nearly having a breakdown and in 3day per week therapy myself because his trauma is what triggered my trapped memories. I beat myself up about it at the time so that's not what I'm beating myself up about, well it sort of is.

He disclosed one event but he'd been around that part of my family a lot more so I always feared there was more and he'd blocked it out. But he was 4 so I didn't push it or even know how I would push it. Plus he was seeing a child psychologist so I hoped that would mean anything he had trapped would come out when he saw the psychologist.

At about 12-14 he got in a lot of troubles at school. One time he adamantly claimed he hadn't done what they were accusing him of. There was witnesses and cctv. At home after talking to the teachers he was still adamant he didn't do it. Eventually after pointing out there were witnesses etc I asked him if maybe he'd done it but forgotten he'd done it. This made him angry, it looked like a switch, and he said he'd been lieing of course he remembered doing what he did. When he went to his room I broke down thinking maybe he was like me but I didn't push that with him and never mentioned it or told him what's wrong with me because I didn't want to put my issues onto him and put ideas in his head.

But I've seen different sides of him. 3 different sides. There's a fun sweet kid, one who talks really street and one who's very focused but has no boundaries on how he gets what he wants. But I keep that to myself I never asked him and I suppose I went in a denial where I said to myself it's "moods" I also said to myself I will talk to him about it if he comes to me with it and I won't say anything to him because also I was worried at a young age I'd put ideas of alters in his head and I didn't want to do that.

About 2 weeks ago his gf split up with him. His life had been stable, no trouble, he's got a really great apprenticeship. She split up with him on the week he'd taken off work to spend with her so he was alone miserable and nothing to do.

First he disappeared for hours alone with no money or phone and he had just been wandering around and said he didn't know where. Then he got a flight. I just kept trying to get him to eat and sleep properly, hug him, get him to watch something funny and listen to his heartbreak. Then that evening he after the incidents he came down to the kitchen and said "mom I need help"

He said sometimes he's himself and sometimes he's not. He said when he's not himself is when his pupils are big. He said "himself" was not around at the moment because he's too upset so only "not himself" was there. The focused one. And he was incredibly focused on getting the gf back. I confessed about myself and I told him its ok. I told him that "himself" will come back but that all of him is him. A few days later "himself" did come back and he's much more rational and isn't now that bothered by the gf, it was 2 weeks ago now. The guy who talks a lot of street talk was around breifly too and seemed fine now but he was really upset.

I'm absolutely devastated but I can't show my son that. I'm devasted that he has this what I have. I tell him it's ok, you have to learn to manage it (I told "not himself" and carefully told "himself" too a few days later without directly saying parts or anything I said "when you feel like this you need a plan to cope") He said they're just "not" and "is" But there's definitely 3.

I blame myself 100% if I didn't block out what happened to me as a small child I would not have put him near my uncle. Then I worry its genetic predisposition too. He got an IQ of 149 which isn't my fault but obviously it's partly that. I blame myself because as much as parts of me can hide to look all the same he's my child and must of innately picked up on subtle differences in me so then I think it's learned behavior plus trauma - so all my fault.

But forget being sorry for myself. That doesn't actually matter. I could beat myself up for the rest of my life its not going to change the fact that my son is like me. He'll have to live with this and that tares me to pieces.

Beth

I want to take him to get help now. Now he's come to me and he's aware of "himself" and "not himself" But I feel like I need to tread really carefully. Like I can't even phone a dissociation helpline without him saying its ok. He's 18. I said to him about getting help but he didn't want to. But I feel its the best thing. Should I contact someone without his consent or should I wait and hope he changes his mind and wants help?

This is also very triggering for me. My mom took me to psychiatric hospitals because I wandered around and behaved out of character and I was abused in one of the psychiatric hospitals. Her doing that felt like abuse. If I was upset she took me to a doctor. If I ran away she took me to a doctor. It was awful. It was her way of still controlling me because I was trying to escape her. It didn't work, I went through hell but eventually it helped me to escape her.

So I don't want to do to my son what my mother did to me. I want to support and help him. Because of what my mother did to me and how that felt I don't know if going to a doctor is a good idea. My son needs someone on his side and it needs to feel to him that I am on his side. If I frogmarch him to a doctor I become the enemy, the threat to his system if his system doesn't want help yet.

I wouldn't go to a normal doctor anyway. I'd go straight to a specialist. I'd avoid the schizophrenia diagnosis and the antipsychotic meds and the being locked up. I'd take him to a specialist if he'll let me but if he doesn't I don't know if I should force it. But I don't know if that's me reacting because I had a horrible experience and maybe insisting he sees a specialist is the right thing. I wouldn't be able to force him anyway. Unless I pulled strokes like my mum did - wanders around upset (I gave him a warm drink and chatted to him but my mum drove me straight to a mental hospital and said I'm wandering off so I must be crazy). I refuse to behave how my mother did. My son is calmer and happier now not locked up medicated and confused. But I know he needs not just motherly care but therapy help. It could be that where he's young integration would be purely beneficial and not have downsides that I see for myself? I don't know. I just don't know. And the only thing that's giving me space to panic about it is that he's actually ok right now - happy and gone out. I've had to keep all this in for over a week because panicking would of made it all worse when he first told me about "not himself" and that "himself" wasn't around because he's too upset. "not himself" is actually quite aggressive and very - I don't know the right words. The twins spoke to him with Mandy fronting and "not himself" calmed down like he knew he was talking to someone weaker who wasn't a threat. They tried Patrick at first but that was going ok until "not himself" said something about getting in my face and Patrick got annoyed and left because basically his son got in a womans face. No female alters will talk to "not himself" except Mandy with the twins helping her what to say. One of the twins tried to talk to him directly but it didn't work to well. It was Mandy who managed to calm him because I think "not himself" registered smaller and weaker and not any kind of threat, not lecturing him or judgi him. She told him it's not fair on "not" to be left with cleaning everything up, being alone and strong and she thought "is" was really mean to leave "not" to it. She said things like "it's horrible when you're left alone and you don't know where parts have gone but don't worry they'll come back when they're less upset" She spoke to him about his parts which nobody else in the system would of done and I personally think it was really stupid and possibly not helpful but on the other hand she got him to open up. She even said and "where's that other guy who sings a lot and does all the street talk. Where's he gone?" I am actually mortified by all of this. Mandy just spoke to him about his parts like its no big deal. I think that was terrible. Now I'm upset about that too but it's done now and to be fair she got through to him more than anyone else was because he was in a very aggressive mood. I'm just worried of making him worse. I don't want my own disorder to effect him but maybe it already did and therefore I'm back to being depressed and feeling powerless because I don't want to do the wrong thing and I don't know what to do.

Hey Sarandipity,

So this is like, maybe easy for me cos we don't have kids and stuff, maybe it's stuff that like I don't see or whatever. But here's what I'd suggest.

I think you should probably try and have more of a talk with him. Maybe tell him what you're afraid of, and maybe tell him a bit of why. Like, basically, tell him a little bit about having parts and that this is something that affects you, and from what he's told you about him and not-him, you are worried it's affecting him too.

Suggest about him seeing a specialist, a therapist, and if you hafta, explain why - like, how folks who arent specialists can misdiagnose and give him pills that won't help and stuff like that.

I would definitely not force him to a doctor, cos like you said that'll make you the enemy. He's 18 so I think it's gotta be his choice, but I think it would help him make the choice if he understood better about it.

Not saying you gotta explain every last thing about DID, but like, let him know you know what it's like and that you know what can help and all?

From other stuff we've read, I think there's a good chance for him because he's still young and maybe he can avoid a lot of the troubles of like, suffering without knowing, and finally finding out in our 40s and stuff.

Anyways, that's what I'm thinking. Sorry that this is happening for your son, I hope things work out ok.

Viola

wow. I really heard you. I am so sorry. I don't think I can even imagine what you are feeling. my humble advice would be to get a journal or spiral notebook and give it to him as a gift. and make an appointment with someone. but then "give" him that appointment as well. let him decide if he wants to go or not. I am a writer so I would probably put in a card with maybe some websites he could look at. the added benefit of putting it in writing is that all the selves can read it. I would not inscribe on the journal itself though.

best case scenario - he uses the journal, explores the resources, and attends the appt.

worst case - he ignores all of it but you did something.

he's a bit old to be frogmarched but he can be shown a path and equipped with tools.

best wishes. please keep us posted.

Thanks guys. Your suggestions are helpful. Middle ground suggestions. I need to take a middle ground road with this. Encourage help, be there but not force.

I feel like all I want to do is dissociate off from this or switch alters but there's no alter to switch to because all alters are distressed, in shock and don't feel competent to deal with this. So I'm basically paralysed by depression over this at the moment.

Nearly as paralysed when my son was 4 but I'm typing, still communicating and can read. Back then I couldn't do anything and went to psychiatrist for tablets.

I was in a really bad way all day. Sobbing and paralysed basically. I called a psychiatric emergency line and tried to explain but she just told me to go to a hospital to rule out physical illnesses.

When my son came home I managed to talk to him properly about how I feel its really important to get help. He said he doesn't think it's that bigger deal and he doesn't really have time for it but he agreed to see someone.

I have a major headache and I was very worried for most of the day that I might loose touch with reality because I was finding the whole thing incredibly overwhelming and blaming myself, which I think whatever its cut its my fault, but since he said he'll see someone, once I told him it won't involve medication I feel much better except for my terrible headache.

I couldn't move. I wanted to a thought about moving but no moving would happen. I knew I could physically move but at the same time I couldn't move. I could feel my body being pinned down. This hadn't happened to me before, the closest was when I lost all feeling in one side of my body.

I'd got my bf to put me on the kitchen chair by the time my son came in and once my son agreed he would see someone I could get up and move again. I think that plus my sobbing most of the day has caused the intense headache.

I really think because my son is young that if he gets help now he won't have the issues I have and I think other parts of me must agree because of being able to move once my son agreed to see someone. It's like they did a peaceful protest.

Maybe I'm being too optimistic that he'll get help and avoid the issues I've had because of this disorder but I have to be optimistic about it and I do think there is real reason for optimism because he's young, because more is known about this disorder than was known 20 years ago and because I will support him as much as he'll let me and make sure he gets good help.

Ow I'm. I'm so sorry. I think getting help is the best route. One of the alters left a note for our mother when we were 12 which she just had hysteria over and literally denied us that, and now at 25 we're in therapy and we think we would have been much better off if it was earlier.

Be there for him, do your best and I'm sure your efforts wi be appreciated in the long run. Good luck with everything.

Beating yourself up for what happened is something women do far more than men. Stop that! I give you permission and I command you. It is wasting your time and energy.

I am sure you have heard this before: You did not abuse yourself or your son. You are not responsible for the evil acts of others. You are no more responsible than your son is for what his uncle did. And you took and continue to take action to break the cycle of abuse, so you get credit. Well done, you!

Now he has come out to you and, per the deal you made with yourself years ago, you came out to him. How is he taking it? Pretty well! He certainly is old enough at 18, and it sounds like he is mature enough too. After all, he told you he needs help and he even gave you a good description of his structural dissociation. He has good insight! That is all thanks to you.

Next steps would be planning. No action yet, just planning. Like, what kind of help does he need, where to get it, how to get it, how to pay for it. Calling a crisis line to find resources is not taking action, it is planning. Do you have a local friend who can help you with planning?

Also, this is not an emergency. In fact, it doesn't seem to be an urgency either. This is very important but not urgent. His life is going well. Really well.

So why exactly are you racked with guilt? You need help too. You deserve help. So how about you model for your son good self care, and find a specialist for yourself? Someone safe. You know how to find someone safe, right? If in doubt start by searching here for threads about finding a safe therapist.

You are not alone. You can handle this.

good news all around. made it through the day and he is seeing someone. hurrah.

yes there are a 1000 reasons to be optimistic. tomorrow will be a better day. you can get through this. he will be ok.

Thanks again guys.

I phoned the crisis line because I realised I was useless at that moment and was terrified I was going to loose touch with reality like I did years ago. I'm glad I didn't go to hospital - I couldn't anyway due to my body refusing to do anything.

When he came in and I was sitting on the kitchen chair I expected him to back track and say I was wrong. He didn't say that, he said "I don't think it's that bigga deal" He pointed out his life is ok. I reminded him of when he was younger and in trouble. I said there's alsorts of life problems having a disorder like this can lead to and he still didn't want help. I gave up and tried and wanted to walk upstairs but I couldn't and embarresed had to ask my bf to help me again and then I realised why the others were holding me down, I wasn't numb and physically couldn't move like when Karen died, I just felt like they were stopping me from moving. I said to my son "parts can get so strong that they can do this. I haven't been able to move all day and I still can't get up right now. That's how serious it can be" He thought for a moment and said "ok, I'll see someone but you have to see someone too" He got up walked round the table and shook my hand and then everyone let go of me and I could move again.

By the time I got up the stairs, like Una said, I realised its not an emergency. For him it's not that terrible. For me it seems potentially really really life threatening because it ruled and ruined my life a few times before I learnt to manage it where I wasn't self sabotaging. But it still completely took me over in stress and despair yesterday. Also he didn't back track. I know he might in the future and go into denial a bit but he didn't in that moment and he agreed to see someone.

I had already researched a couple of places that specialise in DID and was building myself up going to one. I walked out of art therapy and my psychologist years ago basically because I didn't trust them with my brain so I knew I had to find a specialist or I'll just stop seeing them. My bf had done his own research after I explained myself to him and got a DVD from one of the places I was looking into. So it was between two places and finding a therapist through them. If I have to pay, which is most likely and I'd rather do that in many ways then I'll pay. I'm pretty good at juggling money and I'll find something to cut back on so I can afford it. I was planning all this for myself but it was taking time to get myself mentally ready and I did have resistant parts who were not keen on the idea but now we'd all go there tomorrow and blurt anyt and everything out because our son is now the motivation.

Thank you for your replies and support. Beth