Sometimes I feel I'm inherently evil

I have no evidence to prove I'm inherently evil. I strive in fact to be the opposite of evil and seek to help others. But sometimes the feeling creeps up that I'm inherently evil. I don't know where it comes from and I'm basically used to it because I've lived with it for as long as I can remember. It's just there.

It's not the same as the belief that the twins are evil or psycho. That's detached towards them and over all we decided by their own actions and motives behind things they do they have good intent.

Sometimes I feel evil. I don't know why.

We are cold. Pretty emotionless. Calculated. Driven when wanting to get from point A to point B. Which leads us to think possibly slightly ASPD (commonly known as psycho) also we can become psychotic which other parts in the system don't which is also a thing that can happen to "psychopaths" so we thought possibly, possibly, we are pathological. With that awareness we do take it into account and often consult with other parts now for emotional ques and morals. We have rules so we can avoid hurting others.

We don't know where your feelings of being "inherently evil" come from Beth but at a guess it was because of the TV you chose to watch? You're still quite influencable from outside stimulus. You watch films about "evil" all day and wonder if you're evil. Like when you/us read loads of stuff about narcissists and wondered if you're a narcissist. Same with narcissism - narcissists don't worry about being a narcissist, if you were evil you wouldn't sit there wondering if you're evil.

Also does "evil" even exist? This black and white, good and evil stuff didn't exist before it was created by the ancient Greeks. Before this there was no black and white, good and evil notion at all. If you want to explore this further then read some different era and different cultures philosophy. The twins.

Our previous host worried for most of her existance that she might be evil.

Her predecessor / our first host was nihilistic, had no empathy towards others, and tbh did things we are all ashamed of and horrified by. They had no sense of responsibility or consequence, i.e. would do really stupid things that would get them in trouble, without any concept that the trouble would come.

Previous host did not know about being multiple. She knew she was 'different' from her predecessor but did not understand how.

She was like polar opposite from the one she replaced, but not understanding how, she was convinced she was somehow the same person as before, and that the 'evil' was just suppressed but still in her.

And yeah, our first host never worried about being evil or being an ****hole or psycopath or whatever. But Stephanie did all the time, based on those previous actions and behaviors.

So... yeah, we're familiar with that feeling of being inherently evil, but we don't believe it is true. For us, now, we could say our first host was perhaps evil, but that 'died' when they did.

Sorry I don't have any answers or solutions for you, just the shared experience.

Arin

VioletFlux wrote:Our previous host worried for most of her existance that she might be evil.

Her predecessor / our first host was nihilistic, had no empathy towards others, and tbh did things we are all ashamed of and horrified by. They had no sense of responsibility or consequence, i.e. would do really stupid things that would get them in trouble, without any concept that the trouble would come.

Previous host did not know about being multiple. She knew she was 'different' from her predecessor but did not understand how.

She was like polar opposite from the one she replaced, but not understanding how, she was convinced she was somehow the same person as before, and that the 'evil' was just suppressed but still in her.

And yeah, our first host never worried about being evil or being an ****hole or psycopath or whatever. But Stephanie did all the time, based on those previous actions and behaviors.

So... yeah, we're familiar with that feeling of being inherently evil, but we don't believe it is true. For us, now, we could say our first host was perhaps evil, but that 'died' when they did.

Sorry I don't have any answers or solutions for you, just the shared experience.

Arin

Well give you an honest opinion and hope it's ok. How we'd look at that: the "evil" host had no etiquette towards other parts in the system and knew the rest of the system would take consequences for their actions? At somepoint they realised they were of detriment and instead of seeking to better their own behaviour, rethink their priorities, they took what we would call the cowards way out - they created the exact polar opposite or possibly were the exact polar opposite and deluded themselves so much, psychos can delude themselves as necessary to acheive an end, that they became the exact polar opposite and forgot they were ever the original host because it was too difficult to face but had a nagging feeling. This newer host is perhaps somewhere in the middle because being the exact polar opposite doesn't serve the system well either? So a middle ground person was created / deluded to believe they're a different person because that's actually easier than changing a persons thoughts and behaviour?

We don't see good and evil. We see energy, actions and feelings. Right thought, right word, right action - that means sometimes it's necessary to be "horrible" because sometimes you're dealing with a 'horrible" person. A bit like "my name is Earl" a TV show where a criminal reforms to try to make right all his past crimes and in one show he punches a guy - that seems horrible but the guy is horrible and Earl actually does everyone around the guy a favour. He beat himself up about his "wrong" action but later realised how many people it'd actually helped. We call that "you can't make an omelet without breaking some eggs" The middle Road in life is the ideal Road but sometimes you have to stray a little from that and venture in either direction by either sacrificing your own needs or sacrificing others needs just to remain on the middle Road. That's how we look at it. Thanks for replying so honestly, the twins.

I don't think evil, as a concept, really exists, and I don't think there are people who are 100% good or bad. I think people may have good or bad behaviors depending from the situations they're living atm or their experiences in life. I know so-called good people with really bad behaviors and so-called bad people who sometimes help others and do really good things. I don't know, this is just my opinion.

- Ann

I was worrying at some point that what if I'm a pedophile. Or not pedophile, but what's the word.. that is not for little kids but teenagers. It came to my mind because I wondered WHY is there so much sexual abuse happening inside my mind and it seems to be teenage boys. So, I even thought what if I only have DID so that I would not be aware that I actually wanna do that all. And it somehow made sense, and I was really ashamed.

Then I realized it wouldn't even matter. I am completely aware how much damage SA does and I do have normal, or over sensitive empathy skills. So I would never ever act on it, even if I was something like that. I have not act on it before, why would I suddenly start. I've been perfectly fine by myself all my life. And when I realized even f I was, it still wouldn't make me an abuser, because I could not .. like thinking about doing something feels disgusting, not erotic any way. I realized it didn't make sense after all in the first place either.

I don't wanna do anything like that, and have never wanted. There is SA in the system and I don't know reasons for it yet, but maybe we'll found out later. But it's not because I'd enjoy thinking about it, actually it is always something that has happened before. I don't think about it happening. Someone has that on their background. So it's not me fantasizing, which would be very different thing. So I was worried for nothing. I feel their feelings and know the effects of SA. I wanna heal the boys in the system who have those feelings. And when I was thinking about sexuality in general in our system, it is all about making girls to be really safe, one way or another, and that is probably the reason why it's boys who hold those feelings. Girls in the system must be protected.

I'm sorry we sacrificed boys, but it has not been conscious choice. If I could choose, I would sacrifice nobody. I guess that wasn't an option. Maybe there was some inner logic about boys being stronger or something. I can't know. But there's no difference between male feelings and female feelings, it all feels the same. And I'm especially sad for Fourteen. I think he has been there the countless times when my mom said out loud she's so happy she only has girls, because she couldn't handle boys and don't want any boys. Now that we know he has been there at least since I was 3, no wonder he has issues with boys not being worth of love.

I feel also guilt about having parts who hold bad memories. It feels like it's my fault. They have them FOR me. But again that was not conscious, and all those years that I spent thinking they were imaginary.. if I'd known they feel it all, things would be so different. Not the subconscious things, I don't have power to change all that. Or I can go to therapy and change it now, but I can't take back having DID. I feel like it's my fault some of us were left with pain and some not. But it's not my fault in reality we had too much pain to deal with.

Floralie, I had a terrible time at one point also panicking "what if I'm a paedophile" It was awful. My though process was "I'm sexually abused so maybe I will do that to someone" I intro-flected alot and even never having sexual thoughts like that I was still worried about it. My therapist at the time said "all abusers have been abused but not all abused people become abusers" I was in a group therapy and one of the women had full memory of sexual abuse, a guy had been abused and he brought up "what if he's an abuser" and I tore myself apart worrying about myself. Eventually logically I realised I wasn't.

The dark thoughts the twins have tend to be about killing people, people that have hurt us but they realise the law so they won't act on it.

I don't have dark thoughts about anything. I have the "feeling" I'm evil. Although it has gone now so maybe I was just watching too much sci-fi type programmes. I am quite easily effected by outside stuff and obsess over whether I'm the same as something or someone outside of self.

I once made a story about how DID happens. Like a way to tell it like a story, about village full of people (those people will be all feelings and memories) that gets attacked from outside. They're attacked by monsters that feast with bad feelings (monsters are traumas when they attack, and trauma memories when put in cages). First the village is inside a stone wall. It's protected. Outside can't get in too much, and inside doesn't get outside too much. But when monster attacks, people in the village are not strong enough to push it away. It breaks part of the wall and comes in. So people use their stones to make a pen for it, to keep it there, with the feelings (people) that it ate already. And every time new monster attacks, or one breaks free, they need to build more and more cages for them. In the end there's no stones left in the wall that should protect the village and people in it. They can't protect from new monsters anymore and build new cages. So they need to do something else. They think what are the most valuable things left, and it's all that is still pretty and good. So they take stones from the cages and build the last walls around all good things and sacrifice all the rest. That's how ANP-parts are made.

So, every time we need to build a wall inside our mind, our protection from outside gets weaker. And that is why things from outside get in, the way they shouldn't, and things from inside leak out the ways they shouldn't.

My story has a happy ending tho. Monsters feast with bad feelings, but they can be tamed with good ones. Once they have arrived, they will not leave, but they can live in piece with people in the village, when people understand they should not keep them in cages. And little by little they can build their wall where it used to be, and what used to be monsters, start to be like all others that live in the village, just feelings and memories, like the rest of the people are too.

That's a fantastic way of putting it. Definitely it all started escaping for me when I had a trauma at 19, walls were broken. Then encounters with my mother being "not a mother" caused it again a couple more times. Then a trauma at 27 a wall was built around that but at 30 a voice said "not this time" and since then I've opened the walls and am working at getting everyone to work together. When we found a narcissist construct was laying in pieces we eventually made it a mermaid and it lives internally. Our initial reaction was kill or cage but because of joint beliefs it's a mermaid. It doesn't hurt us, it's there when we need it. We aim internal and external harmony which has to be acheive by facing things and not walling them in. Our favourite hymn at school was "you can build a wall around you" and we dreamed of breaking out and we are. The twins.