Can switching feel like this & is there usually amnesia?

Hi there, I'm back again after 2 years!

My name is James, I'm 22 next month and I've recently started seeing a new therapist. It's going really well and made me realize 'wow! I really have never seen a single competent therapist before in my life'. We just had our last session before the Easter break, so I was planning on just having a chill time. Spoiler: I didn't have a chill time.


Since meeting this guy in February I've confirmed some stuff:

*** TRIGGER WARNING: Brief mention of parental abuse, separate sexual trauma. Nothing graphic, just giving context. ***

1) My parents have been emotionally abusive throughout my life and it has damaged me a LOT
2) My history with sexual abuse is not as normal as I thought and I'm not as OK as I thought
3) The breakdown I suffered at the end of highschool was by definition psychosis-related (VERY vindicating to finally hear someone admit that!)
4) The level of dissociation I experienced in the years surrounding that time suggest more at play than I'm aware of

*** END TRIGGER WARNING***

I've been processing a lot, I guess. Since I knew I wouldn't be seeing him for two weeks, I didn't bring up anything heavy this week. We talked about how uni's going and how I used to dissociate a lot, and I walked out happy and eager to get back to work! I did feel REALLY odd for a moment when he said something like 'all of our selves need a voice' but I didn't think much of it at the time.


Here's my question: When switching happens, can it start out feeling like you're doing it on purpose? Your attitude changes, body posture, thoughts... Then your thoughts are REALLY different. You abruptly start feeling distinct from who you were a moment ago. Then THAT you starts reacting to your thoughts, and you end up having an entire dialogue/argument? Just to be clear, I am not usually a whimsical person or a daydreamer.

I ended up losing three hours after therapy, most of which I remember 'witnessing' more than living.
By the time I got home I felt really chaotic inside, so I gave in for a second and suddenly felt SO SICK and disoriented. Everything felt different, alien and wrong. My body felt 'off'. I just freaked out Twitter until someone addressed me as a different person. I went ballistic, then got the same body sensations and nearly fainted.
When it passed, I realized I felt completely removed from my previous thoughts/actions. Confused and exhausted, I cried a lot, then got back to work.


I've experienced this kind of thing throughout my life to varying degrees, including when I was dissociating a lot which would happen separately. The last time it was THIS intense was actually when I'd just started seeing my previous therapist! I made this account and talked about feeling divided, physically strange, with a looming fear of being "taken over".
I don't *THINK* I've ever experienced more amnesia than usual during these periods, though... I forget lots of things (including most of 2015) but never abrupt, uninterrupted chunks of my day. It also only ever goes on for a few months to a year at most, so I never know what to make of it.


Do any of you have similar experiences, or felt like this before? I'll get to talk about it properly with my therapist in two weeks, but I'd like to hear what other people make of it I figure I should probably start a communication journal, but I'm scared nothing will happen... lol

Much love <3
James

Thanks for sharing James, it sounds like quite an intense time for you!

Its kind of hard to know what anything is like for another person, or what they are going through. The mind is so complex, with so many possible 'things' going on...so I would really recommend continuing with Therapy, if you've found a good person too!

I'd suggest maybe not putting pressure on a 'communication journal', but having a creative space, in an obvious and ready space, is a good thing. Then just roll with it...

For us, we kind of relate to your experiences, kind of not. We didn't much have 'blank' amnesia, more that everything would become misty and foggy and vague about 5 mins after anything had happened. We also felt kind of similar in our minds and bodies, but I think it was different for us as we co host with 11 personalities, and have done for a very long time. So it was more like, making decisions for 'me', and then them not feeling right the next day, but feeling right again in a few more days time...

I'd say a big factor to anything in the brain is stress, so try and find some care and peace if you can.

Good luck with the journey!


Melden

Thanks for your reply Melden, I really appreciate it!

I'm feeling a lot less shaken up about it now than I was. I'll certainly have plenty to talk about with my therapist! A creative space sounds like a really good suggestion - I'll try that, and hopefully not be too anxious about it.

I told my partner about everything that happened and she was really supportive.
I told her "it's a bit like when you're a kid and you're pretending to be a different person in your head, then you can't stop and they yell at you, and you get scared". She said she had never experienced that problem and I said "oh".

It feels like that when I'm very aware of it. I had an alter wake up who had been asleep for years which made me very aware. She fronted with Mandy who is 5 and at a certain point Rose came forward who is grown woman, pretty uptight and full of "shoulds" which the other two are the opposite. The body language and thought shift was extreme. It felt uncomfortable because Rose was very aware of it and embarrassed and wearing "the wrong clothes"

It's the in-between bit where that feeling lays and it's only on particular occasions I feel it. The rest of the time I barely notice, I just slip from one state to another perhaps with a bit of a tired feeling or like one is pushing in from one side and another is going out the other. I noticed a few years ago brushing my hair can allow it easier, putting a jacket on with the hood up allows it easier and sometimes just closing my eyes for a few moments and then it's not uncomfortable if it feels like it's going to be uncomfortable.