Rules

Apparently, there is a part in the system dedicated to noticing whether we stick to the "rules". These rules are unknown to me. Breaking any of them results in feelings of shame.
Therefore, I want to identify which rules would still be helpful, and which rules aren't.

Then I thought about how maybe having rules isn't that adaptive anyway? I don't know. A "healthy" rule would be: "Reach out when you need help."

But maybe it would be more mature to move towards having values?

I've been wanting to make "system rules" for a while now. It's just that the subject is kind of triggering for some inside I think. Do you have rules/system rules? Any good ideas on healthy ones?
How would you go about thinking about rules/values?
Is it common to have a part that keeps the rules? I think that maybe it could be an autism thing that I feel like I need explicit rules/guidelines.

rules were a big thing in our system for a very long time. charles was in charge of making sure we stuck to the rules, and lain was often forced to aid him in that. it's a very loaded subject for us. a lot of internal abuse happened because of those rules. it was "necessary" at the time because of the outside abuse going on, being "kept in line" was something that felt needed, but those rules perpetuated abuse internally and it remained that way for many years after we left our abusive home.

we're trying to move away from this idea that we need to be "kept in line". we need boundaries, not rules. rules are tied to abuse, for us anyway. boundaries are things we never had, were never allowed to have. setting boundaries is healthy, and it's good to have boundaries within the system. but rules? rules are different.

- alice

The two Violets made some 'system rules' about a year ago. There were only three.
1) Don't switch while driving.
2) Don't do or say anything embarassing in a work setting.
3) Don't get us arrested.

There are two more 'rules' that are more specific in scope. One for V2 which prohibits certain kinds of body piercings, and one for the littles which outlines when and where it is safe for them to come out front.

So far, all of them have been broken except # 3 and V2's prohibited-piercing rule.

So maybe they're not rules so much as guidelines. And #1 only gets broken when it's in the best interest of the system, like the one who's driving is having issues and it's safer to get someone else to take over.

Arin

you can find a chapter on values on our blog. we actually exchanged a lot of rules for values as guides.
rules are not a bad thing because they protect rights. and rights protect needs.
and if your system is not based on loving interactions that respect needs anyway rules are the next best thing to ensure you will all be ok.
the problem with rules is this: what happens when you break them?
they automatically introduce a concept of punishment
and punishment automatically reduces good connection in the system because it is a tool of abusers.
we are sometimes torn between our idea of values and the need for rules.
we know we need a plan for the punishment situation

no self harm or injury
do not assault others
always keep your job
no sex / no partners
no drastic changes to body without consensus (haircuts, piercings, tattoo)
kid comes first
rest is important
no name calling on inside. don't be mean, rude to ourselves

basic safety and stability stuff

Thanks for the responses! I may take a bit of a break from this subject after this (to calm down), so I may take longer to reply.

@raptureblues, what you wrote about needing to be "kept in line" resonates a lot inside. What do you mean with boundaries? And with boundaries within the system? Would it still be something like: "Go to bed before 11" (the boundary being 11 o'clock?)

@Violetflux, I like that idea of the rules being guidelines! And it's a good reminder that there may be a good reason something gets done anyway.

@birdsong, I think what happens in our system is that the punishment is a sense of shame. It used to be self-harm, but we did decide a long time ago that punishment is forbidden. So now it just stops there.

@BeccaBee, those are really nice rules!


I think my rules may be something else rather than "rules"? I mean, they are more specific than what you guys mentioned so far. It can be something like: "Don't waste people's time," to something like: "Don't have more than x amount of sweets in a week," to "Never use the word "should" and never ask "why" questions".
I think there are hundreds of them, and a lot of them are considered social norms? Like "When it's someone's birthday, you buy them a present. If it's an acquintance, you buy something general, like x. If it's someone you know more personally, you make them a gift like x yourself."
Like it's some sort of handbook on how to live (without making mistakes)?

I never even thought about the concept of punishment, for breaking a rule.

We've never had any mention of punishment with our 'rules'. And there's never been even a thought of it. There's no punishment or consequence for breaking our 'rules'. Perhaps some disappointment?

(Obviously if we got arrested there'd be consequences but that's external, and none of us want to deal with that so it's a pretty 'easy' rule to follow and probably the main reason it's never been broken lol.)

I think that comes from V1, when she first started uncovering our system, she felt it was important to treat everyone with compassion and respect. Even the 'difficult' ones, she always wanted to handle things with kindness and understanding.

Maybe it's time we rewrote our 'rules' more specifically as guidelines. I have to look in an older journal to see how it was written before, but I'm pretty sure they were all phrased like "please don't do xxxx".

Thanks for starting this thread, fireheart. Good topic!

Arin

when rules are broken the feeling you want to have is guilt. guilt signals that we did something wrong and have to change ou behavior. Shame tells us that we are wrong and there is nothing we could do about it. it is what usually leads to toxic coping instea dof making amends

we know the kind of rules you mention. we struggle with a whole mountain of old rules that were taught during trauma time. never ask for help, don't waste other peopels time, needs are disgusting - don't bother anyone with them. if you want to eat you have to work for it
it is where our T uses the rules of war/rules of peace tool
then there are standards. they are more social, sometimes internal and usually too high. lowering Astis standards is a big part of helping our system to cope with life while our energy is so limited.

we do have some rules to keep our life in order and to protect our conflicting needs.
we live small. we can't have a bunch of stuff. every Little can have a main bigger stuffy. if they want another one they have to let go of the current one. it is their choice, but the framework is the rule about keeping our home clutter-free because we ALL go nuts when it is cluttered.

our T says that we have an inner culture that was created in trauma time and we will step by step create our own inner culture. with our own rights and regulations. our own framework for life. I think culture is more than rules.

As far as I know, we don't have any rules. We don't need them, all goes smoothly without them also. If there are rules, I'm not aware of them. It's possible someone else is in charge of that and they are for insiders.

It's been so clear it is work-me and work-me only who deals with all outside people. T is only one we try to break that rule with. Maybe it is a rule to insiders, or maybe it happens naturally. I don't know. It has down sides as well, and I think we will do better in future when we learn to have everyone's strengths in use in outside life as well. But it's not how things are at the moment. So maybe there's a rule that no one fronts when there's people around. And that is why work-me gets so exhausted so easily, she is a narrow part of the whole, and has a lot to deal with. So we need to live very quiet life, that she won't get exhausted, because it will mean outside life collapses.

There probably are parts hiding also, and I can't know if it's because they want to, or if there is someone telling them to hide.

There are no rules I am aware of or any rules I made. There are wishes, like that I would want to stay co-conscious, or at least know who uses the body. So they can come co-con first and then knock me off. But that's a wish, it's not a rule. I think the word rule is too harsh for us too. If I would command Sami, he would resist just for the sake of it I think. He needs to be respected. And when he is, he can be co-operative. I feel Fourteens gets overwhelmed with thinking about having rules. He can't deal with anything extra. He doesn't need rules, and they mean punishments to him. He starts to be triggered when I write this. We don't have rules. He has done nothing wrong. I will never punish him. It's all OK and safe. Lucas would be best with dealing with having rules, he has lived having strict rules, but not too strict they would have broke him any way. And he has not been punished cruel ways. He grew up in loving family. And those 3 are the ones who have been actively aware and part of the fact I'm someone too and we have a T now etc. Others are insiders, or if they come out, they do it like things used to be.. it's hard to explain and not important.

I think I have this the easy way. No escaping parts taking control or doing their own stuff outside, so there's no need for me to try to control that.

No, now I actually remember we DO have two rules.1. Everybody is allowed to write into our journal, and 2. nobody is allowed to remove anything from there, any way. So yes, we have rules for journal and those are the only ones I know about. There are no consequences if breaking the rules. No one is forced to write, and if someone removes something, I probably wouldn't know who it was. Maybe I would try to find out who it was to ask why. And then try to make an agreement not doing it in future.

fireheart wrote:@raptureblues, what you wrote about needing to be "kept in line" resonates a lot inside. What do you mean with boundaries? And with boundaries within the system? Would it still be something like: "Go to bed before 11" (the boundary being 11 o'clock?)

i guess to me boundaries mean things like "don't hurt people inside", "try not to hurt the outside body", "respect other people's triggers", "take a breather if something is too much for you", "try and keep the children away from the front during non-child friendly situations, and stop anything if the children end up close to the front" - stuff like that. they're rules of a different kind, mainly oriented around us respecting each other and having certain guidelines to follow so we can all feel safe and comfortable.

so i guess, for us, something like "go to bed before 11" would be specifically worded around making sure the body feels rested. it makes it feel less like "you have to go to bed at this time and if you fail this, you will be punished", which is immensely triggering, and instead it becomes more like "it'd be nice if the body feels rested because we all need to use the body, so please try and sleep at this time if you can", which feels a lot nicer.

i guess they're all still "rules", but that word has such a heavy connotation for us that phrasing it as something else, like "boundaries" feels nicer and less triggering. the word "boundaries" has no connotation of punishment, which is the triggering aspect of it. so if we mess up and a boundary gets broken, it doesn't mean punishment, just a discussion and maybe changing a boundary a little if it feels needed.

- alice