Rules

@Violetflux, V1 knew what's up! Kindness and understanding are pretty amazing.

@birdsong, did your T explicitly share some war/peace rules with you, or did you formulate them yourself? I think it's very smart to look at the benefits for the whole system when thinking about rules. Thanks for sharing about standards...

@Floralie, I like how you make a distinction for wishes vs. rules. It sounds like your system is working together really well already.

@raptureblues, those boundaries sound lovely! Maybe calling them boundaries is a reminder that things are very different now - they are there to keep you safe and well.


Your feedback has been very helpful. I made a list of "wishes", "values", "standards/demands", and "scripts". It's helpful to tease out the differences, rather than having them all lumped together as "rules". Wishes are mostly self-care things like: "go to bed at x time", values are things like: "be kind to others and yourself", standards/demands: "always do your best", and scripts are things like "in a group project, always ask if the other person is OK with your idea."
I purposefully stayed away from any possibly triggering thoughts, so it's mainly what I wish all of those things will be/the healthy ones.

I'm pretty sure L is responsible for keeping track of all of them, but I'm not entirely sure. It seems like he may be saddled with more maladaptive ones - I just don't feel ready to face those yet.

We tried to talk about it with the new T, but she didn't say anything to it.
I probably did not explain it enough.

She asked about the past and I remembered some of the reasons I was punished.
It triggered a little and I've spent the last few days trying to ground him.

Am I avoiding the "trauma rules"? Like what the little was triggered by?
Hmm. I feel like those are useless now, but clearly I don't want to deal with the pain attached.

the T doesn't pretend to know any of our old rules so those we have to find ourselves. it is not that hard we bump into them all the time.
she does help with some of the rules of peace though, in case we forgot an aspect or don't know about that at all.
the strategy we are using is to explore all the rules of peace first and make sure we are very secure with them and then look back to rules of war and if they are still powerful in some area after we figured out new rules.
sometimes simply knowing todays rules can solve the old. and sometimes it needs a little more because it gets complicated...

fireheart wrote:

I think my rules may be something else rather than "rules"? I mean, they are more specific than what you guys mentioned so far. It can be something like: "Don't waste people's time," to something like: "Don't have more than x amount of sweets in a week," to "Never use the word "should" and never ask "why" questions".
I think there are hundreds of them, and a lot of them are considered social norms? Like "When it's someone's birthday, you buy them a present. If it's an acquintance, you buy something general, like x. If it's someone you know more personally, you make them a gift like x yourself."
Like it's some sort of handbook on how to live (without making mistakes)?

This sounds like an 'autism/social rules thing'. I have autism but wasn't officially diagnosed until much later in life. I just knew I was 'different' but didn't know why. I think my parents were worried I had a 'mental illness' but didn't know what but just knew cos of the associated stigma especially back in the 70's/80's that I stood no chance of having a 'normal life' if anyone found out. So I had to learn the 'unspoken social rules' as a set of rules and try and remember when and where to use them appropriately, unlike others who just seemed to know instinctively.

Maybe that's why my dissociation developed in a way that the same alter stayed up front for years so I appeared the same to everyone in the outside world so no-one would suspect? Each alter in my case (until recently) has been up front 15 yrs or more. Only when the pressure has been removed by living alone and rarely seeing people have 'others' had more safety and freedom to emerge.

Though I rarely go out socially I do still stick to the same rules when I am out, again because someone in the system is telling us its imperative no-one discovers 'our secret' (about the DID/alters etc) or we'll get locked up for not 'being normal', even though my parents passed years ago and generally there is more awareness and understanding of mental health issues than there was when I was young.

KitMcDaydream wrote:So I had to learn the 'unspoken social rules' as a set of rules and try and remember when and where to use them appropriately, unlike others who just seemed to know instinctively.

Yes, this seems to capture it perfectly!
I need to hear or write stuff out so that it becomes explicit, otherwise it all gets kind of tangled up and I don't understand.
Studying psychology has helped a lot, because now I know more "rules" about human (social) behaviour.

Thanks for sharing your approach, birdsong.
I wish there would be a manual with peace rules.

there is something close to a manual and our T has Asti read it for therapy homework.
we are reading laws.
currently employment law which will be followed by tenacy and disability laws.
laws protect rights. and rights were granted because of recognized and acknowledged needs people should have (so its not bad to have them too)
it is a weird approach, but it helps us

We've like never formally discussed "rules" and like what to do if one of us like breaks them... There's some good stuff and good guidelines in here though.

Might be something we kinda get worked out in the future...

{\Pixie/}

We have only one type of rule. We read alot of religious books to find something useful. We picked "an it harm none do what ye will" which includes avoiding harming ourselves. And it's not easy to "harm none" it's very difficult. We were using "what someone doesn't know doesn't hurt them" to deal with internal issues and largely hold "honesty is the best policy" externally as a mantra unless it may cause conflict internally but it messes up occasionally because of communication but communication is necessary to live fully. It's a massive juggling act. But simple problem: what are good rules to live life by? Simply one rule: harm none - much harder than it sounded. The twins.