Sleeping Wolf's Journey Thread

Hey Pastella & the rest of the Albion people,

That sounds great about the positive changes and stuff. Crazy about the 2 year NHS waiting list tho! We hope you find someone good through the PODS people.

We're self employed too and yeah, even doing just a small business there's lots of crap you gotta be ontop of. Our stuff is sorta in the 'decline' and we're not too busy which is good, we couldn't ****ing handle it if there was too much going on.

Good luck with the new job, we hope that all works out and gives you more time for yourselves.

Thats cool about getting more social too!

Viola

Thanks for your comments guys, was real nice to read. Thanks for the support, it's much appreciated!

It's a few weeks on and we've managed to keep to our minimum regular posts, of every two weeks! We're pretty happy about that...

It's Gothika writing today...

Well the past few weeks have been buuuuuusssssyyyy... in a good way and a hard way.

We went to some 'recovery' course days, of like doing activities and stuff with other people with mental health issues. That was really cool actually, and totally free too! It's crazy that we wouldn't have done anything like this before our breakdown...but now we can see it's totally the right thing to do!

Straight away we could see why social stuff is hard for us...and why we've been kinda put off. We could see too, because no one was trying to make us 'do' or 'be' anything, so we could just see how it went and stuff. We realised a few things...

- If there are two or more convos going on in the same space, we've had it! Our brain can't cope, and we kind of just sit there feeling confused. It's ok, it's not a bad thing, but it means we can't chat even if we wanted to!
- We're actually pretty good at chatting, but if a new person enters, or a convo vibe changes...again, we've lost it! Our brain can't cope!
- With new things, we get pretty tired pretty quickly...and our talking/convo is the first thing to go... the course was fishing, which we've never done before...and all that new info and trying things out, it tired us out and after like 2 hours we were totally exhausted and couldn't chat to anyone...

But all of this is kinda ok...as no one was saying it wasn't. We can see in other situations people are like 'oh are you ok?' or like 'whats wrong?' or are quite demanding of convos and hate silence... and none of that helps! It actually makes a load of pressure that we can't handle! And over the years this has put us off...

But, we're getting back on track with socialising, and going to places that make us feel good. Go us!


The other big news....we got a puppy

Well, our partner got one...but we're caring for it too. She's a female Lurcher called Twiggy, and is super cute, super naughty, super stinky and super lovely...

We've had her about 10 day...and man, we're just about doing ok. So much love but so much time and energy! It's deffo the way forwards for us, but it's a big life change. It's making us slow down (a good thing), do new things (a good thing) and feel a lot more love (also good!).

We've just about hit the big emotions from it now, and that is starting to hurt... I mean, we're settling into it and its a lot of different emotions...

But we're doing ok, just about.



That will do from us for now!


Gothika

It's another round up and check in for us... It's Melden fronting and typing this one up today as well.

Hmm, well.... I guess the past two weeks have been...well, just intense really.

We had another great 'recovery' trip out to a local nature reserve, which was so nice! We were out all day, with complete strangers, and things went really well! It was confirmed again...we're actually quite good and ok with people, as long as we have the space to be ourselves and don't feel under and sort of pressure. Also, with 'recovery' type places, people tend to stay away from upsetting or triggering topics like 'what do you do?' or 'where did you grow up?' or 'what do your parents do?' and all that 'normal' stuff...

We can see a big challenge for us is that 'norm' socialising is just very restrictive, triggering, pressurising, uncaring and bamboozling for us...and there isn't too much we can do about it! We can see to not make 'norm' situations our 'norm' or our 'go to' for friends or socialising. They will be more just things to 'bear through' when we have to.

Things have been going well with the puppy. We've really bonded and have had a lot of fun. Our routines have totally changed though, and that is a big struggle for us. We love our routines and rely so much on them, and we kind of resent the change...

But we're managing to keep our spirits up, and do some new things too! We're being pushed to do new things, because of the puppy, and that has been nice. We've spoken to dog owners, gone on walks to random parts of town, gone on an evening cycle ride and walks...stuff like that...

In the Inner World we're all doing ok, just about. We had some nice routines going there too, but with the puppy taking up time (and us feeling pressure) we've had less 'Inner World check in time' than we would like... We're trying to change that though...

A few days ago we looked after the puppy for two whole days, all by ourselves! This was a crazy huge challenge, but we did it fine. Our partner went away, so we had to do all the routines. The Littles had to get the puppy up in the morning and feed it breakfast, which they did amazingly! They are still quite scared of pups, because she is so lively, jumpy and bitey...but they all did so great! It was so exhausting though...wow. And not really being able to have any space to myself, or go outside (other than round the block)...it really took it's toll. I think mainly because we just couldn't 'balance' ourselves...

We're now in a bit of a situation, as our partner came home in a negative mood...and she's said she is going away twice more, in two weeks, and then in another two weeks...which she basically didn't tell me and kind of hid away from us... and we've said to her 'no way!'. We can only do things like this once a month, as the energy is so draining...otherwise we risk being ill. Well...that didn't go down well...especially as she's in a foul mood...so we're having arguments about it at the moment. I'm refusing to budge, so we'll see how things go. In the past I usually 'give in' to the pressure and the tears, and then end up getting ill... but not any more!

We're also quite sure our partner has the 'mild' bipolar (apologies for offending anyone by not knowing it's name!), and she's now in one of her 'low' spirals...which usually last up to two weeks...

We'll see how things go...


We certainly need to recuperate, regroup, relax...and SLOW DOWN.... yes, slow down a lot...


Melden

Well... it was interesting reading our last post...

Basically, we had to look after our puppy again, and things weren't resolved...which lead to us crashing and being totally drained and in the danger zone... The puppy was fine, had a great time! But we really struggled afterwards, and had to take like 3 days off of work. One day we were just frozen in bed for a whole day...it sucked...

There is also our partners Grannie's 90s this coming weekend, which got 'forgotten' and was sprung upon us...and we're freaking about that as well now really...

Our partner is currently working 10 days straight too (she normally does 5)...and she's becoming more and more of a problem to us. We haven't connected to her in weeks, and she's coming home more and more upset, stressed and angry...we're really struggling. We just can't get our rest, and the home is starting to feel unfriendly again... which is what happened last Summer.

Basically we can look after and manage ourselves, and kind of pace our energies of things we need to do. It's our partner who gets into these moods/ways (we think she has bipolar), where she all at once buys a puppy, goes on 3 long business trips in a row, works 10-12 days straight at a time, and throws in a surprise family celebration at the last minute. It's like she's 'cramming' or something... and she just gets more and more wound up, more and more stressed, and demands more and more from us. She'll push our boundaries, walk out, scream and shout, so she can do her routines. She also doesn't listen to us at all either... and we haven't connected in weeks...

We've also had important stuff going on, which has needed energy, which we've barely been able to keep for ourselves.

We went to an accountant meeting this morning, which we are so super proud of! We've never done anything like that before, but it was so good and helpful. Go us!

We've also got a referral meeting tomorrow with a psychologist, as our story was 'picked up' and we might get to be 'fast tracked' to therapy, which would be amazing. But we've got to go through a gruelling interview thing again tomorrow, and really lay it down as to how things are...which is always so tough...

Well....thats about it really. We've got a few days off next week, thankfully! We're having a pretty bad day today...so confused, panicked and stressed...so we'll probably loose more time of work...

Hmmm...these issues are quite worrying. Anyways, we'll see how things go...

Congrats on handling the accountant meeting, and good luck with the psychologist meeting, hopefully you get into therapy quick!

Sorry to hear about the struggling stuff tho with the partner and puppy and all. We hope you get settled down and stuff with that, and not too drained again.

V2

Thanks for the message V2, very kind of you guys and much appreciated!




Well, its nice to be posting again. It means we are trying to get ourselves back on track again... which is going ok...

Hmm...what to post...

Well, I guess we've planned out the next 6 months to 2 years of our lives! In the past few weeks a few things came into place which has answered a lot of our questions and options...so we are feeling blessed from that really. There has been a lot to decide, a lot to get ready for, but we're on the way!

We got a space on a 20-30 week intensive CPTSD course, starting in two weeks! Its amazing! We can't believe our luck! There is a lot of reading to do, a lot to 'get our head around', but we'll be ready in a few weeks, thats for sure. We were expecting a 2 year wait, so this has really changed things and switched up our plans. We really want to get the most out of this course though, we're really going in 100% healing mode!

We know its going to be tough though, and we're kind of getting ready for that too. It's not just with us, its with our lives too. Mainly, our partner... She's ok, but also like a thorn or a biting animal sometimes, and it's getting too much. She's going through some stuff, isolating, not fulfilling her own life, and she keeps on pushing into ours... mainly by making arguments, being disruptive, being a bit of a 'brat' really...

This morning I'm trying to create a 'healing time' where I can do my therapy studies and course work, which is an important time! And our partner started an argument with us, just before we were about to start...and its like...this can't happen!?!?!? We need a peaceful time when we need it!!!!

It's going to be hard to sort this out. We also need to go and give ourselves 'fun' times too, and she's starting to creep into these and be disruptive...like coming along and being grumpy and stuff... arrrghhhhh!!!!


Well, thats about it for the moment. New times, new times!

Well....time for another update....

It's been a tough week...

We've been getting into the right space for our PTSD course (which starts a bit next week)...and we've also been trying to get closer to each other, build bonds, build bridges...which has been tough.

We've all been pretty shook up really. Its strange to take a deeper look at ourselves and what is going on, and to see that we need to be better friends, and get on much better too... we need to work much more as a team.
We've started already, and its really been going positive...but man, we've felt like crap! We also had some new trauma memories come up too, which has rocked us a lot.

It reminds us that we used to get on a lot, and we want to return to that. When we realised we had DID, we all kind of went off on our own projects and ideas and stuff...and now we're seeing we need to come back together and contribute a lot lot more to each others lives.

I think because there are so many of us, 90 now, with 11 hosts, we need to conserve our energies and work on things together. Our new approach is to have a range of 'projects' or 'hobbies', that we each contribute to in our own way, and contribute to the whole too.

For example, today, I love painting and Art, and Van Gough...but instead of going off on my own project, I want to contribute to our 'Home and Lifestyle' project, and maybe I'll draw something nice for the Home... or maybe sketch something nice for another project. It feels kind of weird...but kind of the right thing to do too...

We can also see that we are quite adverse to fully taking on that we have issues, and have DID, and the impact it has... and this needs to change. This will be a part of the course hopefully...

We also realised this week that we have lived in other countries, well, more than we previously thought, and that a few personalities are from this new place...and that has been a big shock.

We've also realised the complete and total confusion we grew up in, from multiple angles... from birth to 11-12 years old, our daily life was really confusing and disorientating (as an experience), which for 25 years was completely covered up, lied about, erased...so on, which is doubly confusing and disorientating...and add to that living with DID too...which adds another layer of confusion and disorientation...

This is a whole lot of confusion.

We're realising the massive impact this has had on us, and how we need to have a different approach to it really. We keep trying to 'not be confused', like return to a place of no confusion...but this really hasn't been our experience, and we need to more focus on 'how to live with daily confusion'.

Things are a bit better with our partner, she has been a lot more understanding and given us space, which is good. It's always going to be a tough balance, but I hope she's more on board now...

We're struggling a bit to do all that we need to, alongside the therapy stuff...but we're dedicated and determined...so thats something...

Yanni

Hi Yanni,

Sorry things have been kinda rough for you all lately.

It sounds like progress tho, that you're figuring out about having to work more together as a team and stuff.

We're glad things are improving with your partner.

V2

I'm doing a post update on how things are going... and it's interesting to read our last post!

Thanks for the message too V2, was real nice to read, you rock!

It's Gothika writing today...


Well, I guess we have made progress... even though we haven't done a post in like 3 or more weeks! Man, we've been struggling, all stuff coming up from this course...but its been good and positive I guess. It's so hard to look at stuff plainly, like reading about affects of stuff, and learning about trauma and neglect...it sucks!

It's showing us what we 'avoid'...and thats the main hard thing really. And we avoid it, because it hurts! We've just had a week of flashbacks and new memories, which has just left us feeling like really bad for 5-6 days now...but things are easing off a bit too.

Routines really help, and just doing stuff. We've got a pretty awesome set up really, and like loads of hobbies, and that really helps. Even though some days you don't feel like doing anything!

We're starting our Group work in a few weeks, and we have to 'introduce ourselves', which is kind of scary, as we're going to share about DID and stuff. We've done it a few times before, but its always scary and kind of embarrassing...

We've also realised that we haven't had much experience like being ourselves, our full selves. Or of people interacting with us, just as like us, as individual personalities. A lot of the time it makes sense to answer for 'the system', but in not having that personal time, I think its really like knocked our confidence, and its made us super scared, over scared, to just be ourselves!

We want to change this, and messaging on here really helps. Like, we're all artists (most of us), but we've never like sketched ourselves... and we don't really spend much time like thinking on ourselves, like just us. We have Inner bedrooms, and possessions and stuff, but we like never ever really think about it, and indulge in it... theres like always other stuff to do??! I don't know...

Yea, indulging in ourselves, thats what we need to do.

I guess, there are so many of us, it can be hard, and hard to justify maybe? We do so much 'collective' stuff...but maybe some of us need personal time too?

Yea...stuff to think on anyways...


Gothika