Sleeping Wolf's Journey Thread

Ok, so we're back doing online stuff a bit at the moment, so I thought I'd say 'hi'!

It's Gothika writing today...

Yea, so we've been doing ok really, and feeling quite nice today. The 'break' from a few things certainly worked, as we needed to just focus on our selves for a while. It really shows that we are so affected by negativity, of any kind, and it can really throw us off balance and make us quite sick... but, we're lucky that if we just stick to ourselves for a while, then we fill up 'positive' again, and can feel better.

Its been cool too, we've found a few more interesting and positive things, and places and spaces, so that has been a real bonus. We learnt a year ago that when something isn't working, it's best to let it go. But there will be something new and positive out there too...!

We've been thinking a bit on communities this week, and friendships and such, and how we want to improve things for Us in this area... We're struggling a bit of 'getting our heads around it', because there are so many of Us, that creating something that works, it just seems tough!

I mean, I'm around once every two weeks or so, and then I have to remember what communities I'm in, what I'm doing, all that stuff, and then remember to contribute and stuff... and its like...ahhhhh! It feels like it would be easier if I was about every few days, or every other day or something...

Well, its a big work in progress anyways... we'll move forwards somehow!




Gothika

It's Gothika writing again today, I've got Tuesdays again...

Just to say that we're not feeling too good, so won't be writing or doing anything really...which sucks. But we need to rest and go to bed and all that. We're ok, we'll be ok, just had a knock at the weekend and just have no energy and feeling low and dissociated at the moment... oh wells, it happens.

We'll be back soon!

Gothika

sleepingwolf wrote:It's Gothika writing again today, I've got Tuesdays again...

Just to say that we're not feeling too good, so won't be writing or doing anything really...which sucks. But we need to rest and go to bed and all that. We're ok, we'll be ok, just had a knock at the weekend and just have no energy and feeling low and dissociated at the moment... oh wells, it happens.

We'll be back soon!

Gothika

Hi Gothika,

I was told we sometimes reply to sleeping wolf so without overloading my brain and knowing everything I apparently might know from others reading your posts I just want to say wishing you better soon and that your days improve.

Much luck,

Sarah

Thanks Sarah and all in Sarandipity, so kind of you all! We feel a lot better and and our days really did improve...!

Ok, so it's Gothika writing today... We're back and feeling better, with some energies and space to write today...and its so good to have the energies again!

Hmm, well, it was our first set back since finishing our course...and that was a bit tough, getting used to it (we're not cured! Lol) But its good to see with the right things we can be back to our new normal in about 10 days...and thats not so bad I guess...

We kind of forgot a bit what it was like, to be struggling. Not that it doesn't happen a lot, but we had a good run of about 4-5 weeks, and our brain can't grasp much before that! We can do ok, and just about function, but no room for new things, no room for extra things, no room for exploring or fun or games really... just doing what we need to, seeking comfort, and sleep...

We've been thinking a lot as well about what it means to be Us, what 'Recovery' is to Us, what 'DID' is to Us, things like that... and we're seeing it all so very personal and really specific. So is where people are at. Your progress isn't all at once, all at the same level, its kind of in bits and bobs...and you've got your own personalities and likes and dislikes in there too... there is a lot to this Recovery and DID thing...!

When we read, watch, listen to others with DID, we can see a difference in that some Systems have a definite 'Host', or 'person' that 'this happened to', like other alters could be seen as a fragment from them, or something, and that this brings certain challenges and issues... but we really aren't like that, and never have been. We've always been co-hosting, for as long as we can remember. When we learnt of our DID it was more, 'oh, that is what you call it...!', rather than a big shock or something. Our greatest challenge is in direction, making choices, clarity, things like that. There isn't, and never has been, 'one to follow', or a 'life to lead'. We've always just shared and muddled through...

A big challenge we are working on at the moment is how to 'get things done' and how to progress and do things in the outer world. We're slowly making progress... Basically its looking like we each have 10 year projects, to chip away at, and all of our main goals (and things we want) seem to be possible in around 10 years. But we all thought it would take about a year! This is quite a shock, just this level of time and dedication to one goal. But it means each of Us can do something we want and make something really special, if we focus and keep going with the doing... its kind of demoralising and inspiring at the same time at the moment!

Anyways, better go for now!

Gothika

Ok, so it's Gothika typing again, for another week! We keep on having really similar structure weeks, and I keep on getting the Tuesdays, which for Us is 'DID/Recovery' day... and so it's me again!

Things have been going well this past week, feeling a lot more 'back on track' and with some good positive energies. We've made some decisions for the Year and beyond too, which we've had to change because of the Pandemic situation. We were going to look into different volunteering, and a new part time job, but we've decided to delay the whole process for a Year, hoping things will be a bit more settled in a years time.

We want to make sure we don't 'waste' or 'slip away' a year, and I think we're doing pretty good really. There are lots of things we can't do, but it's making us all do what is directly around us, like, proper get into all our projects.

It's also nice with time and stuff too. I think, because of our co-host changes, things take us aaaaaaggggeeeeessssss to do, even if we're all feeling ok/good (which is only 75% of the time, at best!). We're seeing more and more how we actually are, and actually work, and what this means for Us All. We can see we're quite different to other Systems we've seen, as in having a more central 'Host', then can maybe put more energy into one thing. Like, if there is a book I like, I'm reading like 5 pages (if I can) every two weeks....which will take like 2-3 years to finish! We're still getting our heads around this...

But, at the same time, we're all a bit like 'oh so what?', and kind of wanting to just get on and enjoy our time. I guess, to accept it. We're all quite structured, and motivated, and look after each other pretty well, so... I don't know, what more do we want?!?!

We, as hosts, need to 'cycle round' and move in a circular motion. Like, we all have places on this 'wheel', symbol, I guess, and the energy needs to go in the right direction. So we can only have days that suit this direction, if that makes sense... It works pretty well, and in time we want to 'perfect' it, but I guess it is kind of 'unusual' or 'different' too. Structured and systematic, that's Us! Well, when things are good anways...

Ok, well, better go. I watched a bit of TV tonight, Star Trek, so not that much time tonight. Hoping for another pleasant and nice enough week ahead...


Gothika

It's Pastella writing today, we finally made a few changes and Gothika doesn't have to do yet another Tuesday... hurray!

It's nice to mix things up a little, I think we were getting a little stagnant and rutted, so that's a good thing. When there are challenging times we can tend to repeat the same things over and over, but after a while it doesn't work so well. Everyone gets a bit annoyed and frustrated! Variety is key for us, we just need to remember that...!

It's been a positive week really, going along well, dealing with challenges well... We've tried bringing in a few more hobbies and reaching out into the wider world a bit more, with some success...!

Personally, I completed a level on our 'Legend of Zelda' N64 game, I was so happy! I'm finally having fun and doing something nice and moving forwards...wooo!

We're realising also that new stuff takes it out of us, and we need to go slow and easy... There is a lot of cool stuff at the moment, that we all have around us, but we need to go slow...

For example, we love Studio Ghibli...and there are a lot of Studio Ghibli on Netflix at the moment (which we are luck to pay for)...but if we watched too many at once, that would be overload and could make us quite poorly! We could only really watch one a week, which we have been doing, and that works. We have to be careful to make sure we enjoy the whole thing, and not think bad on ourselves, or have a shame 'flair up', or 'not feeling good enough' and all such things... and to just enjoy something, let it be, and move on... that is tough, and takes a lot of energy...!

We're getting better though. Patience, patience, that's the way to go...

Ok, well, better go, thats me for today!

Pastella

Ok, so... It's Pastella writing today, and hmm... its been an ok and a kind of strange week...

I guess Summer weather arrived in all fullness this past week, and that was a bit of a challenge. We can often find it hard to 'realise' and 'catch up' with this transition, especially with the weather. We could easily walk around in jumpers and trousers for a week, complaining we are hot, without realising its now Summer and we can and should change what we wear! Ok, we're not too much like that right now, but we still struggle...

The changes for the new weather means a few of our routines are now different. And this added with the 'Lockdown' changes...that is a lot of change, and it caused quite a lot of nervous energy and agitation. We're settling more this week, but things still feel a bit uncomfortable and 'new'.

Quite a few of us are also getting into our new hobbies, and new things we like; myself included! We started to see that we've got to take this real easy and slow, and not rush. We can all get so so so excited, like really over the top excited, and it's exhausting and creates a kind of agitation. Is this our BPD? It's like a 'spark' of excitement that can go on and on and on...we even get tired of it and move on, but the same energy is still there...!

For me, my new thing was getting into Fantasy stuff: games, books, boardgames, movies, things like that. A lot of us are into it already, but it felt right for me to get interested too right now. I'm more into the 'high fantasy' stuff too, more than the other co-hosts. I'm also wanting to get more into art, and take this a bit more seriously, and try to 'improve'. I guess I've been a bit of a 'going along' co-host for a while, but I'm wanting to get more involved. We all are, in what we like... But yes, this has to be done slowly...otherwise we get super over excited and super overwhelmed!

We're a bit confused about our new future career at the moment, which we have postponed looking into until the end of the year... As we're not too sure what things will be like and what will be available 'post lockdown'... Hmmm... it can be a bit worrying, but we're 'on it' as best we can be I guess...

We also achieved some pretty cool stuff this weekend. Hyydii moved around a load of logs, chopped a load of wood, and now we have our wood shelf at home filled with logs for the fire! I'm not into all that, but its also super amazing! We've managed to arrange, sort, organise and do something for Winter, and it was only the end of May!!!!!!!!!! For our concept of time, reality and our struggles with dissociation and connection... this really is such a huge deal. It's very symbolic I think. Go Us!

Ok, that will do for this week.

Hopefully we can settle a bit more and get a bit more focussed for the coming Summer now.

Pastella

Well, just a quick message today to say that we are taking a break from our usual weekly routine, as we are just too tired...! We're all ok, but in need of a few days off and more sleep... which we'll get next week.

Can't wait for holidays...just 'getting by' this week really. All ok, but no extra energy. Just the essentials.


Zelda

Well... We've had our week off, and it was a big success! Phew!

Oh, it's Pastella writing today...

So we've had a week off of work, gosh did we need it! We were lucky enough to have an overall low-stress, low trigger time, and we caught up on our sleep and had lots of fun too! It was overall exactly what was needed... It was the Summer Solstice too, a big and important time of Year for Us All, and so it was really nice to celebrate that too...

I can really see how when you're tired you just can't fully be yourself... none of us can...! We're so lucky to be in a position to be able to rest and it actually work now... Holidays are actually enjoyable on the whole now, for the first time in our lives!

We each had hobbies and projects to do, and each did them in a nice and chilled way, which again is a first! We've stopped trying to 'maximise' our time and disrupt our Wellbeing, and are much more trying to keep our overall Wellbeing going now. We even drank less beer than we allowed ourselves, and didn't smoke any #######1 at all, even though we allowed ourselves three!

All of this is still very 'early days' and so we're not going to take it for granted, but its a positive sign and makes us excited for future holidays. Especially ones where we could travel somewhere and have a nice day out!

We also started our volunteering last week, which was super scary but went really well. We've never done anything like it before. It's hopefully the start of a new line of career or avenue of life for Us All, so its great to get it going. Our last volunteering ideas were totally de-railed by lockdown, and still are, so its nice to have sorted out something new and be moving forwards a bit...

It's weird being back to work, quite dissociating and strange, we can't remember our norms! We also got used to relaxing, and getting back to usual routines is causing the body and mind some stress and pressure these few days... but we're doing ok with it...

Here's to hoping we can settle into the Summer Season soon.


Pastella