May trigger Is this enough and do some people forget forever

********May Trigger*********( talk of possible CSA)*******

I dont remember how I was before 8. I vaguely remember a teacher, getting stung by a bee etc. but I dont remember me. I do remember some sexual activity between me and other 6 and 7 year olds like oral and someone put something up my butt, touching etc but I cant remember anything from home or if I was happy. When I turned 8 I literally lost my mind. I slept only getting up to eat and go to school because I was so anxious and deoressed because everything sexual triggered me. I remember someone saying ding dong on TV and I had panic attacks, I was cussing my parents and thinking about hurting people sexually. I said I wanted to die to my mom. She took me to the local CSB. I was in therapy for a couple of months and it wasnt working so my mom pulled me out and my record read possible sexual abuse. I feel I should have been hospitalized but my mom decided to take me to a orphanage and said get better or get out. I didnt want to leave my family so I said I will be good. I still struggled and continue to till this day. Can you still form alters if you dont remember ever being sexually abused? Do some people ever remember it or can you go your whole life without knowing. I judt feel I havent gone through enough to split but my t tells me not to minimize.***End Trigger***

Thanks for sharing. It sounds like quite a lot there, we hope you are ok.

Gosh, I mean...its a hard question. I don't think there is an 'enough', as its not a conscious decision, or like filling in a form, so I wouldn't really matter about the 'enough' part.

If someone broke their arm, would they worry about if the pressure to cause the brake was 'enough'? Its a poor analogy, but you get what I mean...

I'd say take it easy, let things work out and develop in time. Whatever it is, its ok. Self care, help, space, love and kindness...they will all lead the way...

Good luck with it!


Sky

Repress is probably more accurate than forget. It is my thought that prior to more modern times, more people had dissociation and fewer people were identified.

As such, I think it is very probable and nearly certain that many people have gone their whole lives repressing memories that caused DID. Whether or not you take that path is somewhat up to you.

I feel for you with what you say. It sounds very tough. Also everything you are saying sounds more and more like DID. The alters often form in order so you can continue to function, IE so you can forget what happened.

SF’s abuser was a relative. When she tried to say something to her parents, her mom slapped her for daring to question family. I suspect she may be somewhat dissociative herself from my time around her. More happened later, but event + lack of caregiver support is a strong indicator. It gives yet another level of reason for denial. Her only hint was frequent recurring dreams/nightmares and waking up in a panic. She also was very resistant to intimacy in our marriage with rare occasional exceptions. (I found out later the exceptions were LR, one of the insiders.)

Just because you can continue to repress (or attempt to), doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. SF’s life is much fuller and less anxious now that she spends less time bottling things up. She also has much more confidence now and is finally willing to let the others help at what they like. (Raina likes to cook, AJ likes figuring things out, Meg is a great manager, the littles bring joy, etc.) Also there are times you can only contain things so long before the container breaks. The word for this is florid. This can often be proceeded by depression as it was with SF.

We are still in a rough patch and she is still learning more details over a year in with her T. Even with the down times though, it is a net positive. A good T is priceless. SF says she probably owes still being alive to her T.

Don’t forget, it’s important to love and value yourself. You are worth healing.

Trauma is not an event or events or phase of life. That's the most basic thing about what trauma is, it's on all literature there is about trauma. Trauma is reaction in person. Anything that caused trauma in someone, was traumatic. There is no such thing than not enough, if that person has trauma. And that's the beginning and end of that discussion. You have trauma, so your life events were traumatizing.

You can't say you didn't went thru enough, because you don't even know what you went thru. But it's also a common feeling to think there is no reasons enough for you to split. But you did, so that is the proof it was enough. You don't have to know what happened to know that. Your symptoms tell already that you are traumatized. Creating parts has nothing to do with remembering what happened. Well, it has something to do with it, but not the way you think. The fact you are not able to remember is a symptom, not something that stops trauma from happening. If you have trauma, but can't recall what it was, it is a sign of dissociation disorder. Sometimes you don't remember what happened at all, sometimes you may not just feel the feelings connected to it, even if you remember what happened. And that is because other parts in your system have those memories and feelings with them, so you don't have to. Not feeling like it was traumatic and not remembering what trauma was, are signs of OSDD/DID, not the opposite. So yes, you can have dissociation disorder and parts (alters) even if you don't remember.

Sexual things you described are not normal behavior at that age. And because you found sexual things triggering afterwards, it tells it wasn't just harmless experiment with another kid. So to me it's clear you were sexually abused, these memories are enough to confirm that. You also lacked support, since your mom was abusive, at least mentally, if not other ways too. What she did to you when you struggled was not normal, loving, parental reaction. She threaten to abandon you if you can't magically cure yourself from trauma someone caused to you. No, that is not normal parenting and it was something totally absurd to demand from a traumatized child. She should've been there and support you, not think you are the problem. You weren't the problem, your surroundings were the problem, and your reaction was normal reaction to what you went thru. It still is just normal reaction. Dissociation disorders are not sicknesses, they are complex coping mechanisms that made it possible for you to continue life with traumas you have.

I'm sorry for what those people did to you. You should've been saved. It's very unfair you weren't. But it's over now, and now you are safe.

Thanks guys