*Trigger Warning* Advice on dating someone with DID

So I've dating this woman for about 2 years now, so I know all about what she went through (CSA, child trafficking, brainwashing) and have met most of her 25 or so alters. She says I'm the first 'safe' boyfriend she's ever had and I feel really lucky to have her. But an occasional problem that's driving me insane with worry is that she sometimes starts denying her memories, and considers going back to her abuser because she misses him and thinks he won't hurt her. She has gone back at least twice now, the last time being last June. Every time, she comes back very dissociated and admits that he raped her again. A month later, and she's dissociated away it away enough that she starts considering it again, and... I just don't know how to stop it. It breaks my heart every time and I imagine if he realizes she's slipping from his grasp, he might do something drastic to her. She has recently been telling me "maybe the *** with my father was consensual" and today admitted to having positive feelings about him again, and wanting to go back. Her protector alters want to keep her away from him, but it seems like the ones that want to go back have had a much stronger influence over her recently.

I feel hopeless right now. What can I do to prevent her from relapsing and going back to him?

Does she have a T (abbreviation for therapist)? Do they specialize in dissociation? Denial is common. It sounds like she still has a lot to work though. Without therapy, it would be best to expect more of the same.

You sound like a very patient and tolerant person.

You might ask her to document what happened with the abuser in a letter addressed to “my future self” in her handwriting. Have her read it when she thinks of returning.

Helping people is noble. They have to want/choose help on their own though.

In the end you can’t force anything from happening despite how much you may want to. Though I figure encouragement is fair.

Geographical separation can help some, but again, she has to be on board with it.

Unfortunately, keeping your girlfriend in one identity state not another that makes bad choices is not under your control and also not your job. What she needs is psychotherapy with a therapist who has the training and hopefully also experience (else supervision) to treat someone with her history of severe trauma.

There are therapist listings available from Sidran Institute (sidran.org) by request, and on ISSTD (isst-d.org) anyone can search their member database. That is just a first pass; the next step is to ask questions by, for example, calling other therapists not on the list and asking them for referrals to a therapist who does a good job treating trauma and dissociation. Do these other therapists mention them?

Being listed on Sidran and/or ISSTD does not indicate any qualification to treat trauma and dissociation. The Sidran listing is free. The ISSTD listing just means the person is a paid member.

I agree with Una+. It's a bit like dealing with someone with addiction, you can only help so far. They need to want the change themselves before it'll be successful. Meantime make sure you are not part of the problem, that makes it possible to continue. Watching someone hurting themselves is not easy.

They probably have separate parts that are going back again and the one who experiences the abuse. Maybe if they can keep up the connection with the one who takes all the abuse, it'll help them. Asking the abused one(s) write letter to the ones who go back is not bad idea. Maybe they can also feel empathy for the abused one(s). They feel they won't be hurt, because they are not the ones who will be hurt. They need to understand it's not just them, but they are making someone else from the system to be hurt again by delivering her to the abuser. So he may not hurt her, but they will hurt part x and have done it several times before. Also it is not wrong to want to go back, it's a feeling caused by trauma and it is understandable. Don't try to stop them from feeling. Maybe help them deal with the feeling. If they try to push it away, it will grow to be more separate and therefor stronger. Accepting the feeling and the one(s) who feel it, is important. Maybe it'll help them too to write about it or have some way of expressing how they feel. Parts can't be wrong kind, they are exactly what was needed, and their feelings can't be wrong either. Their actions still have impact that affects greatly. If you can understand better why they wanna go back, you may try to help them get all they think abuser will give them. Also be aware of how old these parts are, and remember to talk like you should to someone at that age. If those parts are not adults, they can't do adult reasoning.

Don't forget yourself in all of this, you need support too, and your gf certainly needs DID-therapist. You can not be that to her.

Thanks for the advice everyone. I might have been panicking a little when I wrote that last night, as what she said worried me a lot. She does have a therapist, although she has been told she needs a higher level of care, but every time she searches for an affordable facility, there are none in the country that would take her. She does keep a journal. And seems to be in a little less in denial today. The spike in it last night just really got to me, I guess. I'll do that -- try and get more communication between alters next time they're out, and try to get her to empathize with those alters and remember how the abuse goes to them. That should help.

Welcome Saltbeard. I empathise both with your SO and yourself. If you don't mind I'd like to throw a few things out there:

• Some of the Alters simply don't know a different lifestyle. They may think they know what a safe person is but their actions prove otherwise.
• You can't be her lover and her therapist at the same time.
• Alters need to talk, amongst themselves and with a therapist. It will be very traumatic and your relationship may not survive it, but what's more important: your SO's health or your relationship? It was the hardest decision I had to make.
• You worry that 'maybe' he will do something drastic to her. I argue that he already is. She needs No Contact with him, period.
• Examine yourself, your boundaries and evaluate just why you want to be in this type of relationship. I rationalised it many times, incorrectly. Eventually, I had no boundaries left.

I agree very much with it is not OK to be lover and a therapist to someone at the same time. Dynamics are all wrong then. I can't really explain properly now why, it's because it's not actually my opinion as much as Fourteen's and he feels very strongly about it. I won't trigger him with that to get our point of view thru, it's not worth it to us.

You can't rescue people from their own lives. It's cruel but it's true. This is coming from a daughter of two alcoholic parents with mental issues (not diagnosed, because getting help would have meant getting caught with drinking problem, and that was the most sacred thing). I see two totally wasted lives, and it's not their fault, they have reasons to why they are like they are, and they are victims in their lives too. But they will continue, and there's nothing I can do about it.

When you start rescuing someone, you always risk your own mental health. Getting codependent happens before you realize it's a problem. It's not impossible to people with DID to date or be good parents, but those don't come for granted. It can happen when they are in balance with the disorder, just like an alcoholic can be anything as long as not drinking.

Partners job is to support system and support communication between parts and respect the system as it is, as one thing. You need to respect the fact they are all different and you need to have unique relationship between you and each one of them. And that's it. You can never make decisions with one part only, you wait until the system has decided their together opinions. You can never decides who fronts. You can't pick favorites. You can't try to make anyone go away or be less loved, although they can cause troubles. Many things that are meant to be good, can be mind control, and then you are just one new abuser. Everything that can cause problems between parts, is huge risk to someone with DID. More communication between parts is an answer to all problems with DID.

I would still look for therapy. Even if it's not every week, it's better than without any professional help. T is the one who can take all the crap from systems, and deal with it with being professional. You on the other hand need to think yourself too. You need to be able to express your feelings and get mad sometimes. You need to be able to have boundaries, and with someone who lacks them, strong ones. If you need to compromise all you are allowed to be to someone else's benefit all the time, then it's not OK for you. You need to have support from your girlfriend too. Relationships are not one way roads.

It's not your job, it's your girlfriends job to look for help for herself. And she is welcome in here to have peer support, but we are not therapists either, and we also need to keep our boundaries up to some level. She can find out how much would it cost to have proper therapy. And then figure out how much of it is possible. I don't know where you live or if you can get free therapy or help with the cost in your country. If it is not by government, there can be charity groups that help. Also she can think how much she can REALLY pay. Is she struggling to get enough food now, and really can't pay what is needed, or would it mean just different lifestyle? For example I can have support for therapy for 3 years, but part of it I need to pay myself. I can't work full hours, so I was ready to give up some things for that 3 years, because that can change the rest of my life to better. So I figured out if I don't buy new clothes etc, anything than the food and washing up things etc. that are must to have, I can afford it. It was just the matter of motivation. When you have the rest of your life in the game, motivation should be very high. There are many ways, you just need to do your work to find them.

Panic is understandable.

For my wife, change is overwhelming and getting a new T is a HUGE change. Requires building a new relationship and building trust etc. all over. Not saying it’s happening, but she could be saying she can’t find another T to avoid change. Looking up some potential new T’s she could interview, finding out they’re prices and if they are covered by her insurance, helping her come up with a budget, and being supportive through a change falls under what I consider encouragement. Let her know she can still see the old T. Offer to drive her even. Make the change as easy as possible. However, the actually decision has to come from her.

I think a supportive SO can do a lot of good, but also agree that the SO should not be the therapist even if they are trained. My role is to provide support, comfort, and positive experiences. I’ll color, play games, and watch cartoons with littles, facilitate time out for the timid ones who are afraid of the outside kids, and find ways to show appreciation of the older ones. One of them I sit with when the body takes a shower as comfort and I sure hear about it if SF showers and I’m not there in the room with her. I meet them where they are and at what age they are and show love and appreciation for all of them, especially the “challenging” ones.

DID treatment outlasts a lot of relationships. Yours’s may be just fine, but do be honest with yourself about it.

I was just reflecting this morning how much SF has progressed. A year ago, I had to ask SF if it was okay to give her a hug, but this morning, she expressed physical attraction to me for possibly the first time ever. (Married 11 years, dated 1.5 years) She’d seen other therapists before for depression etc., but 18 months with a DID specialist has improved BOTH of our lives! Isn’t cheap, but worth every penny.

Frankly, you may want to consider seeing a therapist for yourself. Maybe just once or twice. SF’s T gave me the chance to sit in and ask questions one session and the knowledge that she is there if I need to talk is comforting by itself.

I has a similar problem for years with one identity in denial, meeting abusers and disappearing to let the rest of us be abused and often people who loved me at the time got really hurt watching me get abused time and time again. What seemed to make a big difference was reporting abuse to the police. It was something my identiy in denial could cope with watching. She could not face the rapes etc but she was able to listen in to my reports to the police and take onboard safety issues re family. It also affected the abusive network who more or less avoided me after and discouraged contact themselves. My abusive father and brother never wanted to see me again after I reported them so even if an identity made contact they were told to ###$ off.