Emotional Numbness and Vulnerability

I feel absolutely stuck. I am now seeing a therapist that specializes in dissociative disorders and somatic experiencing therapy. She’s great. I’ve been seeing her since I got the official diagnosis and it’s only been a couple of months. She received information from my previous therapist and also the doctor that did my diagnostic consultation. She acknowledges my parts and has been encouraging us to build trust, boundaries, and communication amongst ourselves.

The problem is, I am emotionally numb. Emotions are very uncomfortable to me and they feel out of control and frightening. I hardly ever feel anything and when I do, I stifle it and don’t allow it to surface. I also have major issues trusting others and being vulnerable.

In therapy, my T may ask me how any parts feel about something, or when she sees me dissociating she asks if another part is trying to say something. I will feel something coming to the surface and I have to extinguish it right there. I can’t allow that emotion or that part to be seen or heard. It’s too uncomfortable. I felt a younger part coming closer in therapy, seeking comfort, and I had to send her back as well. I felt that I couldn’t allow myself to be viewed as a child, that feels too vulnerable.

The only time I’m able to feel anything, or I’m able to feel vulnerable, is with animals. I watched a video earlier, a short film about a dog that starts out very sad and ends happily. I felt myself getting emotional and my first response was to deny it. Instead, I allowed myself to feel it and then I cried. I feel like maybe this is how I will eventually become comfortable with feeling again? By allowing myself to experience the emotion when it does come up?

I just feel like I’m not going anywhere because of this hurdle of emotional numbness. Has anyone else overcome being entirely shut down? I don’t let people get close to me, I hardly talk to people, I avoid all emotions when at all possible, and I start to dissociate and lose my memory anytime I actually try to be vulnerable with another person. I feel very stuck

WhatSheSaid wrote:In therapy, my T may ask me how any parts feel about something, or when she sees me dissociating she asks if another part is trying to say something. I will feel something coming to the surface and I have to extinguish it right there. I can’t allow that emotion or that part to be seen or heard. It’s too uncomfortable. I felt a younger part coming closer in therapy, seeking comfort, and I had to send her back as well. I felt that I couldn’t allow myself to be viewed as a child, that feels too vulnerable.

The only time I’m able to feel anything, or I’m able to feel vulnerable, is with animals. I watched a video earlier, a short film about a dog that starts out very sad and ends happily. I felt myself getting emotional and my first response was to deny it. Instead, I allowed myself to feel it and then I cried. I feel like maybe this is how I will eventually become comfortable with feeling again? By allowing myself to experience the emotion when it does come up?

First of all, it's great that you have a good T who knows what she's doing. Good for you for finding her.

Second, the first step to solving a problem is identifying it, which you're doing. The next step would be to talk about it with the T. Have you told her about having to send back parts, or extinguish feelings that are trying to come to the surface? Talking about the discomfort is a way to start dealing with it.

It's great that you found a way that you can more safely feel something and be vulnerable. I think that is a way to gradually become more comfortable with feelings. Have you told your T about that?

I think any of us who grew up using dissociation as a way to cope with feelings struggle with this to some degree or another. I can tolerate some feelings, but it's still very tightly controlled because it feels like they could get too big and painful much too quickly, and I wouldn't be able to stand it.

The other day I read something about equine-assisted therapy and started looking into whether it's available around here (I live in a large urban area where pretty much everything is available so I found several places). I feel very drawn to it--someone inside really wants to be around horses--who knew? I think it's pretty common for people to feel more comfortable expressing feelings with and about animals than people.

Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you've got a good set-up going and you're on the right track, well done to you all!

We very much relate to what you've been saying. That was us about 6-7 years ago, at the start of the journey for us.

We had very little experience in knowing what emotions even were, how to recognise them, how to understand them, relate them, express them and so on...

We also thought that 'numb' was from feeling nothing, but for us it was from feeling too much! There was so much emotion, all trying to cram out, and being pulled back in...that was creating the numbness.

My advice would be to continue with what you are doing, there is absolutely a way forwards. I'd also encourage you guys to explore emotions for yourselves, through simple 'non therapy' ways like watching movies, looking at the characters, seeing how they feel and such. Disney and kid's movies are great for that! They really spell out emotions step by step. This may help get a few things moving.

Go easy, and good luck!

Melden - One in the Albion System