There's no help for me (#Fourteen)

I dunno why I wanna tell this. I just wanna trow up all stuff away from my mind. Our mind. With us I DONT mean --> the one who has that name or that system. I mean us who live inside my body, that is 14 years old and boy.

I'm too broken. I've searched for help for so long, but there's nothing no one can do. I don't want it to be true, but it is. I have way too much prblems, I don't do well. I, or someone, tried to make a thread in here to ask things about about everyday problems and we're happy you tried to help and answer, but we have the ame thing with everything. You can tell us no or yes, and it doesn't matter, because anyway someone is gonna get triggered by that and it's too much to handle. Someone is always triggered because how things are, and if we change it, being triggered doesn't go away, it just changes who's the one feeling bad. But it leaks all over the system all the time, and I can't handle everyday life anymore.

They --> who have that name, tried to get us outside help, but I can't deal with it. I'd need to admit I'm not me but part of someone elses system and I need to be willing to work wit that system to get help. I can't. I can't even survive from normal things, I can not deal with not being a person. It's way too much. I can't come out to get help. I tried and practiced, but it's too much. I don't want to, I wanna be me. I hoped help for me, and maybe it's selfish, but I can't work to get someone else's system to work better, when my own system doesn't work.

I'd need help for me. I can't get it from outside outside where I'm not me anymore. I'd need to get it where I am, but it can not be delivered to my world.

This all is too much. Way too much. I'm switching all the time and dunno who I am and what do we think because it doesn't stop from changing all the time.

I know they try, but they can never see me as who I am. I know I will be treated well and like they do believe, but I know it's not true. They see me part of someone else, and that I am just a symptom that proofs that the true body and the real reality didn't become true to me, and that's why I think I am with wrong age and gender and all that. I can't survive with knowing all that and knowing that's how they see me. I wanna stay what thy call inside. It is my outside and I have my own inside. It means I can't have help and I'm not gonna get better, but I choose that rather than try to forget who I've been. I can never have life in their outside anyway.

#Fourteen

Fourteen, I don't know what to say but I wanted you to know I read your post and I hear your heart. And I hope with all my heart that you will not give up.

-- Mon Feb 18, 2019 6:18 pm --

Fourteen, I don't know what to say but I wanted you to know I read your post and I hear your heart. And I hope with all my heart that you will not give up.

I don't know what to say, you sound in alot of turmoil and distress and there isn't an answer other than the answer you have given yourself of jumping forward and embracing the body.

You can do some 14year old boy things - go to an arcade and play video games, go to theme parks, go hiking if the body is up to it. Its not what your wanting and it's alot of loss to deal with that you have eloquently expressed.

Sending warm wishes is all I can do.

My own overall experience of this, no system in a system so it's different, when I started to align parts so I could live a more fulfilling life was to first in a take no prisoners kind of way insist that everyone known accept this is the body, it's this age, it's tough with the promise of shaping a life around everyone's wants and needs as long as it doesn't hurt others outside or in. That is a tall order, especially inward concerns and it hasn't been perfect but all parts get expression in possible healthy ways.

We did mess up a bit with our little possibly but we were aiming at acceptance of all and overall feeling ok so in a way we didn't mess up. Accepting yourself isn't all pretty. Some of it is disturbing all round. Some of it is fun. Some of it takes work including learning new skills. It's hard.

Wishing you love, light and blessings.

Floralie wrote:Someone is always triggered because how things are, and if we change it, being triggered doesn't go away, it just changes who's the one feeling bad. But it leaks all over the system all the time, and I can't handle everyday life anymore...

...I can not deal with not being a person. It's way too much. I can't come out to get help. I tried and practiced, but it's too much. I don't want to, I wanna be me. I hoped help for me, and maybe it's selfish, but I can't work to get someone else's system to work better, when my own system doesn't work...

...They see me part of someone else, and that I am just a symptom that proofs that the true body and the real reality didn't become true to me, and that's why I think I am with wrong age and gender and all that. I can't survive with knowing all that and knowing that's how they see me. I wanna stay what thy call inside. It is my outside and I have my own inside. It means I can't have help and I'm not gonna get better, but I choose that rather than try to forget who I've been. I can never have life in their outside anyway.

#Fourteen

You are most definitely a person. Not a "symptom." Who's telling you that you're not a person? That's just cruel. It is how you see yourself that is the most important thing, and second would be how the system sees you.

The first step, I think, is to try to be more regulated--to practice grounding as much as possible so that you're not always being triggered. Stability is an important first step.

The world that you live in, inside, is there no way to have a therapist in there? Many systems have such a person. Maybe trying to get help outside is not right for you, at least with the way things are right now.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

Thank you for your input. I'm writing here, because Fourteen is sleeping inside. I don't know how long he will sleep, is it gonna be few days or will it be longer period of time. It used to be very important to keep inner world functioning like this world, and it wouldn't been possible before to someone sleep too long, (just because people have to eat and use the bathroom and shower and stuff), but it doesn't feel as important anymore. So he can sleep as long as he needs to, in the inner world things can be different than in outside.

He went back in time some time ago and recreated himself, and we managed to safe one part of his and that is how he could continue forward, after crashing down. He went back to the time, when he has just moved to live at Millrock. It needed to be done, because he hit the wall, when he lost that last parts will to live. We couldn't undo anything more than took back what caused the losing of will to live, because when parts have split further in his system, we can not just decide that they would disappear, and that the split never happened. It's not possible to remove parts, not even parts of parts. So we managed to just change one little thing, and he went back in time. He is not feeling well, but he can continue.

I think Lucas was away for so long from our system, because when Fourteen went back in time, Sami went with him. Sami went back being 15, like he originally was first time too, when Fourteen moved to Millrock, and Sami was already living there. It was a surprise that Sami went back too, but actually there are lot of reasons I can see now, why it needed to be that way.

Fourteen is sleeping in a bed at Millrock, but because he hasn't lived there long enough to feel safe, I made it more safe for him. He's sharing a room with Sami. When Fourteen lived there for the first time, he was abused in there by another boy, and because I'm not sure if that boy is living there now, this time when Fourteen is back at the beginning, sharing a room with Sami keeps him safe. They are together, and he sleeps in Sami's bed. (He likes it more than his own, and Sami was OK to let him use it.) If the abuser lives there, he won't enter Sami's room. He's way too scared how would Sami react, he knows he won't react well. Sami is very private. So Fourteen is safe. Adults come to see him, make sure that all is OK, and everyone will just let him sleep. He has been exhausted lately. I think sleeping is a good solution and he really needs that.

We try to change the world they are living in by changing things, that doesn't allow him to get help inside. It will take time. Now he is allowed to just rest. It's true what he said, he really can't have help from outside because he's too broken to do that, and he doesn't have the power to try to make big changes in his system either. So we make other changes for him. If he wakes up before we are finished with changing how things work, we will concentrate in stabilizing him like Gans suggested, and concentrate in keeping him safe.

Having Sami with him is one big thing that creates safety. No one messes with him inside.

I just wanted to say that we hear your story and your troubles, it sounds like a really hard time for you guys. We're all wishing you the most peace and healing there is in the world...

Gosh, being young is hard. There's no way around it, its a hard time. And then dealing with a load of challenging trauma too...?! Wow, that's hard. I'd say super well done fourteen for reaching out and posting, that's such an important step.

It might be different for you guys, but with a few of our teens (14-15 and 15-16) they more focus on dealing and healing in an abstract way, like doing art, growing vegetables, reading stories, going on walks...things like that.

Wishing you guys the very best with it


Hyydii - One in the Albion System

If you have this disorder, the VERY REASON you have it is to survive. You will be the person other people will say made the very best out of what they had to work with. At the very least, you take it a day at a time. Find those moments that make it all worth the effort. You are certainly not alone...either figuratively or literally. Keep on keepin' on.