Relationships and the show "You"

I just want to vent about something.
I'm watching this series on Netflix called "You". It's about a stalker, from the viewpoint of the stalker.

It reminds me a lot of my ex. I don't think he's a stalker, but I do feel like he manipulates people. Lately I've been going back to him at times, talking on the phone for hours.
I always felt trapped in the relationship with him.
At a later point, after we broke up, he even assaulted me.

And yet, sometimes I feel drawn to him. (Or parts do).

It's gotten to the point where I think he's trying to spin another web for me. He told me that he's no longer the same person, that he was very different when we were in a relationship together. That he's no longer focused on sex, in fact, that he may be asexual now.
I think I noticed a couple of straight-out lies and contradictories.

Last week he asked me if I want to get back together with him, because 'we have the same goals in life' and 'he can be there for me', etc.
I told him that it's not possible for me. I saw him last week, after which he asked. But in order to make myself go, I took a med to calm down, and I was in a panicked state for two days after seeing him (even though he was nice). One of the things that freaked me out was that I'd gotten him some candy, but forgot to give it to him in the end and at home said I would keep it for him - that it would stay his'. And then he said: "Just like you."
No!!!!!! I don't want to stay forever his'. I don't want to belong to anyone but myself.
After I told the guy that I can't have a romantic relationship with him again, he surprised me again by saying that it's okay to take things slow and that he just wants to do things with me (like go to the cinema) once a month or something.

I need to get myself straight. Stop talking to this guy. It brings up so much resistance inside, like a thousand voices telling me to run - and yet others want to run straight to him.

It reminds me a lot of the "You" series, because the protagonist reflects at another stalker at some point and says that they just want to control the other person. That's what it feels like, like this guy wants me to be his possession, to prevent me from being my own person. It's also hitting home because the protagonist is so sure that he's doing the right things, all the time... that's this guy. He is so convinced that all he wants is to protect and love me.
But he's also said that he sees me like a pet. Not okay.

Relationships are so confusing. I run after the wanting-to-be-known-and-seen, and this is where I end up: with a guy who's obsessed with me.
Time to take a deep breath and somehow decide on what to do. Go no-contact?
It's time to find some inner wisdom for sure...

Bearing in mind I am useless at relationships and would be far more likely to never go there - even when it would patently be a lovely idea, I think you should read back what you have written. You seem to have a very good handle on what you should do.

I come from a family where my 'no' was always answered by a compromise from their side.
and when I didn't want that compromise they were upset, because they tried to accomodate my wishes and I just wouldn't respect that.

they missed the fact that they never respected my 'no' in the first place.
offering a compromise when there is a clear no
is going to be manipulative and
turn abusive in no time.
set your boundary. make it clear. stick to it yourself, otherwise nobody else will take it seriously.
eat the ######6 candy. just do it. it might feel awesome.

+1. Eat the candy. Or feed it to your pet.

Sami

very sorry for going off topic - and maybe Sami just made a joke and I am oversensitive - but please please please do not give the candy to your pets or any other animal!!! it is dangerous for their health!

but I'd also say eat the candy or give it to a person who appreciates them as a gift and not as a sign that you are their possesion.
when I get presents or have something that I don't wanna throw away but also don't wanna hold on to I give it to the homeless people who live under a bridge nearby.

kat (12)

sounds malignant. i recommend full excision with wide margins.

and I would get RID of that candy in a brilliant way. I'm a fan of fire myself.

you've got XP....don't get snared by this #####&. boundary? hell yeah. with ######6 moat monsters and $#%^. or gandalf and the balrog.

haven't seen the show. i try not to watch stuff that will get me like that.

SolanaceousClub wrote:very sorry for going off topic - and maybe Sami just made a joke and I am oversensitive - but please please please do not give the candy to your pets or any other animal!!! it is dangerous for their health!

but I'd also say eat the candy or give it to a person who appreciates them as a gift and not as a sign that you are their possesion.
when I get presents or have something that I don't wanna throw away but also don't wanna hold on to I give it to the homeless people who live under a bridge nearby.

kat (12)

Hi Kat! I hear you, after he posted it, I really wanted to post a comment about not ACTUALLY feeding candies to your pet, but I let him communicate the way he does. I don't think anyone would harm their pet because of his comment for real, but I'm as sensitive as you are, and it's OK. He didn't mean it for real, he said it because the guy had called Fireheart his pet. He expressed taking back control. Your idea about giving them to someone was also very sweet, but eating it all by herself was about the feeling of control. Sami's comments usually also have many meanings in small amount of words. I'm not sure if he meant actual pets, as animals, or if he meant feeding candies as treats to the guy, like it would be him who gets treated like a pet.

Sami's way of talking is often provocative, and he doesn't explain himself afterwards. He watches how people react and analyzes them based on it. I'm answering to you, because you are so young, so I think Sami won't mind it. He also thinks that you are harmless, and therefor doesn't mind me explaining him. He doesn't explain himself ever, because he thinks if someone doesn't get him, then you don't have to hang out, and that's how simple it is. He is a defender, so he has strong opinions and he's not trying to please people. But actually he cares about both, people and animals. He is a protector because he cares. Caring and pleasing are just two very different things. He is as - or even more - precise with the way you treat your animals, than I am, or you don't deserve to have them.

It's brave to stand up for someone or something who can't defend themself, so you did the right thing by following your heart. That is what Sami does too, although he does it different way. He can bully a bully and make them stop, but he would never attack anyone defenseless.

I really believe, that you don't have to worry about anyone's pets.

Relationships require mutual respect. I don't see that here. He sounds manipulative.

Thank you for the support!

Funnily enough, one of the first things I did after his message was that I ate the candy. And it was very cathartic!!! It felt like saying ###$ YOU to him. A healthy way of expressing anger and taking back power!

I think it's a good point that a compromise is still disrespecting the no. Honestly, I may be ready to let this guy go. His thinking/world view is quite triggering to me - it's confusing.
I found the reddit about the show "You" and people actually talked about this - that they loved that they were rooting for the bad guy and that he spun everything around so that it seems justified. Some even wondered if this guy would actually be an okay boyfriend except for the creepy things. Well, newsflash: nope.

I need to get myself to be done with this guy. It could have been obvious all along: he has zero friends, lied about major things during our relationship, and mainly loves the *idea* of me.

I don't want to be lured back into the lion's den. Time to run!
(But it's easier said than done.)

I don't do fire. It's messy, it smells bad. It smells like aggression. That's a feeling. Making someone feel is power.

I don't do running either. You become sweaty and it smells like fear.

I prefer ignoring. It easier done than said.

Sami