who should 'front'?

Anyone have alters that only specific people have seen?


what do you do if family invite friends of yours to a surprise party they are planning for you not realising you've only ever presented as a completely different alter in front of the other person? (assuming you're undiagnosed so no-one knows or suspects DID)

Who do you front as at said event? the personality family know or the personality others know? if the alters speak or behave very differently and you'd always kept 'their lives' seperate?

That is an actual nightmare. My family of origin have seen different parts of me. My children have seen some parts but only heard about others (not as in parts, I'll tell something they did or how they handled it if it's relevant to something in their life experience as if it was "me" because it was "me" in an overall sense).

I don't really have friends at the moment, but I used to have lots of groups of friends that would not mix. I didn't mix them. I did not have parties. I went to parties but never had one. I imagined a couple of times but it was too difficult to think how I'd juggle it.

It sort of happened once. This guy, just an acquaintance really, knew only one part of me. At this party were different groups. I kept switching until I thought f it, I don't care what this guy thinks and stayed in the state that suited the other people at the party. He looked really confused by my sudden change in character. I don't care and it stopped the idea of my mother setting him up with me in its tracks. He's a nice guy just not manageable for me because he's too one dimensional for my taste and would not have coped at all with any other part - he couldn't cope for the minimal time I engaged with him. So in the end it was actually funny because I didn't give a crap. But to mix certain groups of people when I was younger and had alot of groups of friends would not have worked. Alot of hard work for me and possibly horrible for them too.

Happened another time at a different party, I just remembered, so I left early and went to have a threesome instead. I was a little wild when younger. (Beth and Karen)

This would be a bit more intimate more like a meal out with a smaller group of people so can't really move between groups of people who wouldn't be sat together. I'm just hoping neither of them thinks of it or I can put it off by telling family ..friends are away and we're meeting up seperately for a meal or telling friends not able to meet on actual birthday due to medical appointment.....have that with family and meet others at a seperate time when family won't be available!

Just be awkward if they go behind my back and arrange it as a surprise as it as 'milestone birthday' As they're gonna be in for a shock when they start discussing things and realise they appear to be talking about 2 different people!!!

My first question would be whether you actually present as differently as you think you do. I know that distinctions that seem HUGE to us from the inside are barely noticeable to outside people, or can be brushed off with, "I guess you've only seen me when I'm in a silly [or serious or whatever] mood!" or "I guess I'm different with my friends than with my family!"

If the different parts are really as glaringly different as you think, then I think it's fine to tell your family that you want to have separate birthday celebrations, please, and have the meal be family only. Then tell your friends about that decision so THEY can tell your family that they're busy, or that they're having a separate event with you. I don't think you need to wait around pretending you're oblivious to the fact that a big birthday is coming and that they might be planning something!

I agree with "TheGangsAllHere" on this one.

Separate parties would probably be a lot less stressful/worrying....if possible. If not possible.....maybe you could be co-conscious with the others? It might help ease the stress a little?

In our system we each are quite different from each other in some ways. Myself, I feel I act different when I'm co-conscious with the others.....to me it feels like a huge difference at times....although outer people (who don't know about the others) don't seem to notice anything (at least they don't say)......maybe they just think we're just having a good or bad day....that we act differently.

Been there done that once! Was going in for surgery. Decided we wouldn't sleep so might as well party until time to go. Inner ones invited everyone they knew. What a disaster. Had several rooms so groups of friends of specific inner ones congregated together & separate. Soon started hearing- where do you know her from? Didn't know she was involved in that! We were petrified. Tried to play party host to people we didn't know while not really talking to anyone.
Laughing at questions & comments. Unfortunately, no alcohol cuz, well, surgery. Fielded inquiries about our wide range of activities & interests for months. Pleaded not remembering parts of party cuz of surgery & it's drugs. Now it's *almost* funny. It certainly wasn't then. We are more co-conscious now. Perhaps could handle it. But don't think for us it would be fun for us.

KitMcDaydream wrote:Anyone have alters that only specific people have seen?


what do you do if family invite friends of yours to a surprise party they are planning for you not realising you've only ever presented as a completely different alter in front of the other person? (assuming you're undiagnosed so no-one knows or suspects DID)

Who do you front as at said event? the personality family know or the personality others know? if the alters speak or behave very differently and you'd always kept 'their lives' seperate?

Yes. Different friends know different alters, always have. It's usually between me or Jen, and when I have Christmas or birthdays when everybody turns up in force it's a difficult balancing act, because some of them I barely know while Jen knows others and doesn't know the majority - it's something I tend to try and work out with her in advance, and we have a written-up way to make sure we're okay in cases of emergency. As it is, friends have literally commented "sometimes it's like you're different people" which is both amusing and frustrating. I think it's only something that can be agreed between you and your system, as fairly as possible.

We don't have different outside friends for diff. parts now that we have avoided all relationships in general for so long. However I do recall older memories and having friends. I went by the same name and all with everyone, but I was really different with diff. friends. I think it was not clearly parts, or maybe I was just unaware back then and they were parts, but I think it was me lacking identity, and kind of being something that makes sense with that particular person. For example if I was with someone who is very energetic and talks a lot etc. there were two ways to react to them. Either to speed up myself also, but because it didn't feel like me, I didn't, and still don't wanna spend time with certain way active people. Especially if they are the kind who also have strong opinions, are loud and don't listen, but talk and interrupt, and I start to feel stressed and in hurry to get to say anything, and in the end (nowadays) I don't even bother trying to talk about anything, because I can never finish what I am trying to say. They don't even notice I never finished with the story, so they are not clearly interested, so why would I waste time telling them anything. But with some people with a lot of energy, I kind of slow down, and we find a balance. On the other hand I can be more talkative and active if the other person is a bit shy for example. I take the lead, if no one else takes it. But in the end it leads to that I feel I am different with different people, and I have never been able to bring many of my friends together, because I didn't know who I should be, and it FELT like having different lives.

I've find out that if I like someone or not, is not that much about the person themself, but who am I in their company. If I feel good when being that person their presence makes me, I like them, if not, I don't. That is maybe changing now that I do have more identity than before.

There are very many different mes out there still, and I think it's the influence from the parts I don't know about, and one day when I will find them, it all will make sense. At the moment, it doesn't. Some days I don't have anything to say for co-workers for example, but I can do my customer service without any problems, because that is totally separate thing, because it is work related. Some days I can be very talkative. With certain people I have found who am I to them, and with some people I don't find my place, and I change a lot.

Totally relating with your problem, but don't have an answer, except about being honest and talking straight about issues with their names, not playing in the game. And you can say you have so many sides in you, it feels weird when people you know from different places are meeting. It doesn't sound crazy. There's nothing wrong with being versatile.

KitMcDaydream wrote:Anyone have alters that only specific people have seen?


what do you do if family invite friends of yours to a surprise party they are planning for you not realising you've only ever presented as a completely different alter in front of the other person? (assuming you're undiagnosed so no-one knows or suspects DID)

Who do you front as at said event? the personality family know or the personality others know? if the alters speak or behave very differently and you'd always kept 'their lives' seperate?

I would hope the person doing that was aware of the situation/condition and would be cautious... kinda the downside of ppl like NOT knowing is the "normal" for them is so diff for ppl like us.

As for who "should" front... there's no answer to that. It depends on your system, the ppl around you, the situation, and what your others are like good at handling or like usually take over for. If a given type of situation requires a certain part... or a certain person needs a certain handler (meaning a specific friend/family member is best dealt with by a given alter)... then those ppl should be the fronting ones, imho. But that's like totally subjective and hard for ppl outside your system to say or know... Other than, what is best for like you all and what protects you all and helps you function best.

{\Pixie/}

It would just feel awkward as we no longer feel we have anything in common with 'the friend'.

'we' met her when Thea had fully taken over and believed she was deaf like her and took over as alter embracing the the deaf community to avoid having to speak in public and cos no-one made fun of her voice/speech as they often couldn't hear her voice properly or speak properly themselves (we now believe we may have always had childhood apraxia of speech which is why we've never been able to speak normally or control pitch/intonation/volume etc even when 'hearing').

We in fact have alot of symptoms of Dyspraxia (including the physical abilities being delayed in childhood-late learning to crawl,walk,speak, struggling with balance and co-ordination -learning to ride a bike, skate, swim, drive etc) which also includes 'autistic-like' sensory and social issues as part of the disorder and is commonly misdiagnosed as autism or ADHD apparently. Though you can have autism on top of the Dyspraxia as an additional condition,if the autistic features are worse than the physical (as Kits was at time of diagnosis cos she could walk then) it's common to diagnose as autism rather than dyspraxia apparently.

I think this is mainly the problem, the alters the 'friend' knew as her friend, no longer exist to Kit and Kit resents having to continue to either bring Maddie back just to deal with the friends visit or for us to have to present as 'Maddie' everytime, now Kit feels she is beginning to understand who she is and why she has certain difficulties. She wants to have her birthday with family 'as herself' now she has a better understanding of who she is and what has been wrong with her all these years.

Kit also now wants to be known to people as her 'birth name' which the friend doesn't know exists as we didn't meet her until years after the complete name and identity change.