Anyone else have these experiences?

Not sure I have DID, but whatever is going on is making it super hard to function. Wondered if anyone else has these experiences?

1) Things change so much. I can't make decisions because something that makes perfect sense one day will make no sense at all the next day.

2) I can be really silly and embarrassing and I'm watching myself on the inside completely horrified, but I can't stop it from happening. There are also times where I'm hostile to someone I don't want to be that way towards, but the inside is so disconnected from the outside, I can't control it. Once I tried and it was like a physical fight with myself to get back in control. People have accused me of lying or tricking them by behaving so differently, but I never meant to trick anyone.

3) I have a bunch of trauma memories. Sometimes I remember them clearly, other times I just remember the name of it like a label with no details of what actually happened. Sometimes I don't remember it happened at all.

4) My memory is messed up. It's not like a blackout though, my brain just feels foggy and bored and has no interest in trying to remember certain things, like what happened yesterday. It's like I could if I tried, but I'm not interested enough to try.

5) But I don't get surprised by things. If someone brings something up, I know I did the thing, I just don't remember details around it or why I did it. So it makes no sense, but I know it was me. It just wasn't something I would do!

6) I hear voices sometimes inside my head, just making comments sometimes. I talk aloud to myself about things I'm scared of forgetting, but I never knew why I was scared of forgetting because I didn't really think I did forget!

7) A few weeks ago I had this experience where I could kind of feel everything all at once and it was terrifying, I couldn't figure out who I was in the chaos. But then it all went away and I feel like I must have made everything up.

Sometimes certain things trigger me really badly. Other times they have no impact at all. Sometimes it's like I can just "decide" not to have PTSD any more and it works. Other times I'm trapped in hell.

9) I feel feelings that don't belong to me. I also get different feelings at once fighting with each other. Like I'll cry, but not feel sad and then this angry thing tells the crying to stop and I'm just there like observing but none of it feels like me. Or self-harm urges that are there for no reason and I don't act of them but they're super annoying.

10) I feel like I'm lying all the time. I just can't create any kind of consistency.

Thanks for reading! Also, if anyone has any ideas on how I get some of this under control I would be really thankful. Pretty stuck at this point.

Very sorry to hear you're feeling this way. We understand and can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I sent you a message. Hope things improve for you soon!

take care of yourself and start writing in a notebook every day.

Google these things:
self care
grounding exercises
dissociative experiences scale
issst-d.org

if there is is something going on the first order of business is to get safe and get stable.

Yes.

Certain things - my indecision particularly - cause me little problems now because all parts are aligned to the same goals. Any sticking points, religion for example, have been negotiated and compromised on.

Other things you wrote still apply to me alot. As said self care and grounding are incredibly important and I use the dissociative experience scale as a self monitoring tool.

Every experience with DID is different. You do have some of the common "symptoms". If you have a T I'd bring how you're feeling up.

Nadia

Hey! I completely understand, I have a lot of the same problems. I'd agree with getting a notebook and trying some grounding techniques. Memory is the same for me, I'm amnesiac and apathetic and it's hard - but don't beat yourself up about it.

Re: feeling like you're lying, feeling inconsistent, I think that goes with the territory to an extent. It's okay. You're doing your best, and as long as you are, that's more than enough.

Those symptoms you were telling about, do sound like DID, if that is what you're asking. However that is not what I personally experience, my symptoms are more hidden type. I do have one part who has DID also, and his symptoms are close to what you experience, although he already knows many of his parts by name.

I don't know where you live, or how things work in your country, but talk with the ones who take care of you and ask to get tested to have a diagnose. If DID is what you have, then seek out for trauma therapy from a therapist who is experienced in DID.

Getting to know the others in your system is the key to start making you all work together, so your behavior gets more stable, or at least you understand WHY all the ups and downs and changes, and aren't just a passive traveler anymore. You do experience co-presence, that is when someone is doing something and you feel like you are just watching it without being part of it. In those moments, do get involved. Just say HI! inside your mind to the ones talking, feeling or doing something, and wait for response. When you start having responses, it can feel scary at first, and then it's important to remember, that nothing else has changed, except for you being aware and communicating, not being like anonymous watcher anymore. Talk to your others like you would to any outside person you want to get to know and want to co-operate with.

It is easier to first understand parts when you feel them separate from you, and later on you can start to find out who is it, when you feel it's YOU who changes into being someone else. Hardest thing is to get to know who YOU are in all of it. But in the end you all are part of the same thing, and it does not matter, if you don't have clear walls separating yourselves from each others. That is also the goal in the end, make you less separate. You can of course ask why first get to know everyone, and then try to be one again. We don't want to create more walls and parts being more independent, getting to know them, and them know you if they don't already, is there so you all understand why others do react to things differently. They already are separate, although you don't maybe know them well atm. It gets important when doing actual trauma work, different parts hold different sides of trauma or are trauma free, and it of course affects to them.

There are lot of threads about how to start, when you think you have DID, so read older threads in here, and there's plenty of information repeated over and over again, because we do get a lot of these questions. There is also info about how to journal etc, plenty of stuff you can find by reading older threads so you don't need to ask it all again.

It is OK to start new threads also, you are welcome to write in here about your personal experience, and how are you doing. Personally I hope more peer support, more people writing about what are they going thru, and yes, you can be peer support also with newly found or non diagnosed DID, especially to others in same situation. And I do hope less writers who come here to write one or two questions about if their symptoms sound like DID, or someone's close to them, and who then disappear. We can not diagnose you.

Welcome to the forum!

Floralie wrote:Getting to know the others in your system is the key to start making you all work together, so your behavior gets more stable, or at least you understand WHY all the ups and downs and changes, and aren't just a passive traveler anymore.

Thank you for stating this so well. I was just realizing last night how much of a passive traveler I've been, although I didn't think of it so eloquently. I was finding it upsetting to realize that in the past, I've just shrugged it off when my tastes and interests would change. I didn't really wonder why I was interested in a particular activity for a period of time, and then not, and then...interested again. It was just the way things were. It's very hard to change that passive acceptance.

Thank you! I started journaling. My brain isn't really working right now but I wanted to respond and say thank you.

Yes, I can relate to most all.