To me the meaning of life is to contribute. I firmly believes that it is what creates happiness. We added contribution to our core values. Growth (includes learning) is another core value I support, because it leads to more contribution. I guess there is nothing wrong with that.
I also believe that contribution is the only valid reason to be alive. That without it we are worthless.
that, and my inability to see more things than just contribution as a path to happiness is causing me difficulties.
we are at the limit of what we can do to contribute. if I wanted to be able to contribute more, like in having a meaningful job, the T says we have to deal with other things first.
like having a happier life. but for me, happiness is contribution. so we kind of got stuck in that conversation.
L is trying to convince me that our other core values would balance this out. Health/self-care, relationships, creativity... but I don't get the idea of doing stuff that is not... serving any real purpose, then call it fun and pretend like it is somehow increasing our quality of life.
I want everything to serve a purpose and then the others are annoyed because I am too tense about it all and that spoils the fun

I get it with yoga, cause I can feel a relaxation with that, but I can justify it as workout, which serves the purpose of... you see how stuck I am in this kind of thinking? Like I have these categories and I just can't think outside the box. Not flexible at all.
I don't get it. I don't get the whole relax-and-enjoy thing. I don't feel happier when I take a bubble bath. I sit there waiting and getting bored and then I flee. I feel pleasure in my mind. Thinking, learning, arguing, reflecting, analyzing, organizing... it creates a rush of energy and it makes me happy.
We try to do nothing on sundays and I hate everything today because it seems meaningless and I respond with violent urges.
L has me do the things that are least annoying to me. I get so tense that I somehow get stuck in the front so the others don't get a chance to do their thing...
How do I get out of this stuck position?
It's like... the others keep telling me ideas and I am not sure I want to try them. Like being less in the mind and more in the body...
allowing the others to share what they experience?
I do admit that they might need stuff, but I struggle deeply with a sense of it all being utterly meaningless.
Mike asked if I could live with doing some things in our life that don't have to have any meaning at all, might be utterly unproductive and empty. because they somehow miraculously increase our capacity for contribution. And that thought is very strange and I am not sure if I can handle it.
I am aware that my thinking process is rigid. I feel like I am hitting the wall every time I try to challenge myself to think differently.