meaningful meaningless things

I guess I might need second opinions and more perspectives on an issue that we've been discussing.

To me the meaning of life is to contribute. I firmly believes that it is what creates happiness. We added contribution to our core values. Growth (includes learning) is another core value I support, because it leads to more contribution. I guess there is nothing wrong with that.
I also believe that contribution is the only valid reason to be alive. That without it we are worthless.
that, and my inability to see more things than just contribution as a path to happiness is causing me difficulties.
we are at the limit of what we can do to contribute. if I wanted to be able to contribute more, like in having a meaningful job, the T says we have to deal with other things first.
like having a happier life. but for me, happiness is contribution. so we kind of got stuck in that conversation.

L is trying to convince me that our other core values would balance this out. Health/self-care, relationships, creativity... but I don't get the idea of doing stuff that is not... serving any real purpose, then call it fun and pretend like it is somehow increasing our quality of life.
I want everything to serve a purpose and then the others are annoyed because I am too tense about it all and that spoils the fun
I get it with yoga, cause I can feel a relaxation with that, but I can justify it as workout, which serves the purpose of... you see how stuck I am in this kind of thinking? Like I have these categories and I just can't think outside the box. Not flexible at all.

I don't get it. I don't get the whole relax-and-enjoy thing. I don't feel happier when I take a bubble bath. I sit there waiting and getting bored and then I flee. I feel pleasure in my mind. Thinking, learning, arguing, reflecting, analyzing, organizing... it creates a rush of energy and it makes me happy.


We try to do nothing on sundays and I hate everything today because it seems meaningless and I respond with violent urges.
L has me do the things that are least annoying to me. I get so tense that I somehow get stuck in the front so the others don't get a chance to do their thing...
How do I get out of this stuck position?
It's like... the others keep telling me ideas and I am not sure I want to try them. Like being less in the mind and more in the body...
allowing the others to share what they experience?
I do admit that they might need stuff, but I struggle deeply with a sense of it all being utterly meaningless.
Mike asked if I could live with doing some things in our life that don't have to have any meaning at all, might be utterly unproductive and empty. because they somehow miraculously increase our capacity for contribution. And that thought is very strange and I am not sure if I can handle it.

I am aware that my thinking process is rigid. I feel like I am hitting the wall every time I try to challenge myself to think differently.

I can relate to this. How I feel and act is based off necessity and what is required in a current situation, opposed to doing things for enjoyment or relaxation or other such things. It is a very inflexible way of living, as you said. Right now, our current situation dictates working together in order to make sure the body functions. To contribute to that, I clean and cook, so that the body is well-fed and will not get sick from a dirty environment. I suppose there is some element of "enjoying" it, but I feel it is more to do with it being satisfying to see a task done, opposed to enjoying the task itself.

One thing I know I enjoy that has no real tie to necessity is classical music. I simply enjoy it. I don't have a particular reason for enjoying it. I suppose there are things that can be enjoyed even if there is no reason for it.

I don't really have any answers. I am trying to figure out how to change as well. I wish you luck with it.

Charles

same here. I cook, I clean. I make sure our life is managed. It does feel enjoyable. but probably only because it serves a purpose. a purpoes other than enjoying something.

I notice that we've worked on being more relaxed about relaxing things in the clinic and that I had tiny ideas there. and that maybe the fact that there have been a lot of flashbacks and Tara going nuts makes me even more tense than usual.
Age actually spoke :shock: to tell me that I am getting too dead serious even about solving this and that I need to chill.
I wonder if it is my way of being triggered, going into super controlling behaviors.
I am still unsure what the problem is that I am trying to solve here....
is it a control thing? a trust thing? a body thing?

For me, I suspect it is a control thing. More specifically, a way of coping by taking control. That is my guess, at least. I am constantly told by Alice to not bottle-up emotions, to be open and allow myself to vent, but it irritates me more than anything else. To me, that is because emotions are altogether unnecessary. They lead to a lack of control, and they aren't rooted in logic. But I do understand that I feel emotion, and that I can lose control of myself if I am not careful; that happened earlier today, in fact.

Perhaps, with the flashbacks and another in the system being unstable, it is bringing back feelings from the past for you. Control is the opposite of chaos, and rigid, perfect control is usually required when in traumatic situations, or when there is a chance of being put in a traumatic situation. Control means you are kept in line, it minimises damage after a situation, it can prevent situations from happening in the future. But because a traumatic environment or abusive person is in itself unstable, no amount of control will ever truly work, which leads to an incessant need for control that never goes away.

That is only a guess, but perhaps it is relevant somehow.

Charles

I have similar thoughts about emotions. they just seem useless, they just get in the way. but I am no stranger to desparing either.

we might have to look into the usefulness of my controlling behavior for past situations. I avoid all memories of trauma time. But I have been here a long time, much longer than L or the Ls before her. I could remember things if I didn't choose to avoid them.
maybe comparing that to today would help?

hey Asti,

I just wanted to say that relaxation also has a purpose. You cannot only give, give, give - you need to do things so that you are able to restore when you get tired. If giving is your life's purpose, relaxation is a way to not burn out doing that.

It's important for your body and mind. For your mind, rest/boredom stimulates creativity. Breaks actually help to increase productivity. Similarly, your body will wear down if you just keep on exercising without rest. Your muscles will decrease, not increase. Unless you have a break in which they can restore and strengthen themselves.

Maybe you still need to find a way to relax that works for you?

I know that. and I keep the breaks, deadserious, because it is functional.
the T wants us to learn to enjoy life. and rest is not enjoyable for me.
and all those small actions that the others enjoy don't make sense to me.
I guess it all comes down to doing them anyway and not enjoying them.
cause I enjoy the other stuff and I can't enjoy myself all the time.
I need to find a way to relax while I don't enjoy something I don't understand because me being too tense diminishes the joy for the others.

I firmly believe in the saying "a change is as good as a rest" but sometimes I have to rest which literally for me means sleep for 30hours out of 48 and just eat and watch tv for the few hours I'm awake.

Do whatever you need to do to replenish. If you don't look after yourself then you can't look after others- that's motivation enough for me to have self care, maybe to look at it that way might help you too?

Much luck

the problem is NOT that I am not doing self-care.
I do, probably better than the others because I am so organized about it.
it is difficult for me to pinpoint the problem, but even taking time to rest is not the problem.
I am trying to explain that the T wants us to do nice things and that I feel no enjoyment or meaning in doing nice things.

I see.
Maybe you can use the magic ball from your T to see if you relax while you are thinking or writing? Because it sounds like you enjoy that and I read an article by a woman who said that it was green for her when she was writing an article.
It can be very personal. Maybe other parts enjoy bubble baths, but you just don't.
That said, boredom/uncomfortableness is not always a bad thing even if it may feel that way. You can notice what comes up and it also tells you a lot of things.