Just wanted to say hello

Hi, I'm Angel. I am not on here a lot- been "away" "inside" for a while. I only found out about like how we exist after Zor found out about us. Until then, I had always thought the life I have known and been living, mostly INSIDE, was like real and I was a single person, a singleton (as Pixie says)... It was a shock to learn the nightmares and weird dreams were actually part of life outside growing up, as the body grew up, and that we're connected to Zor how we are...

I am totally terrified by this and the change it is for my life, our lives (Pixie and I specifically, and all of us in general)... Anyhow, I hope it's ok I drop in here from time to time, too. Pixie says it is, and she said Zor is ok with it, too...

Anyway, nice to like meet everyone and stuff.

Hi Angel. It is such a pleasure to meet you! It is wonderful that you are here and I hope to see/hear from you again soon. I am sorry you are having such hard feelings right now and I hope you will understand more as time goes on.

Welcome Angel

The stuff that happened in the dreams was over since long ago, so it doesnt really matter if it was for real or if it just was dreams.. its only dreams now and will never be real again..

Hey. That's how it's like for me too. I can't handle it well. Sometimes I decide it's not a problem, cause I can decide how to feel and I just forget why I was upset. Then it comes back again.

#Fourteen

TeddyBear the helper wrote:Welcome Angel

The stuff that happened in the dreams was over since long ago, so it doesnt really matter if it was for real or if it just was dreams.. its only dreams now and will never be real again..

Thanks for that. Pixie and I are pretty sure it's from when we (the whole/body) were a toddler and a perverted uncle was in the house. She and I both have had bad stuff in our inside lives, and since finding out about how we exist and stuff, I kinda think it's possible like what happened OUTSIDE caused the events inside to be like how they are in our lives here. Cuz we were unknown to each other and stuff mostly...

So it kinda seems to make sense maybe like subconsciously? What do you guys think?

Welcome, Angel!

We've found that it helps a lot to have different parts write on here--it has helped us get to know each other better. I don't think we have anyone who doesn't know about our outside life, but then again, I guess I wouldn't necessarily know.

Anyway, it's nice to hear from you.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Welcome, Angel!

We've found that it helps a lot to have different parts write on here--it has helped us get to know each other better. I don't think we have anyone who doesn't know about our outside life, but then again, I guess I wouldn't necessarily know.

Anyway, it's nice to hear from you.

I do, in a sense, but it's been nightmares, dreams, surreal feeling... and I guess cuz I've been almost exclusively INSIDE... and until relatively recently when we began reaching out personally that we had questions about our lives maybe... IDK... we have like lives inside and things suck sometimes in them, sometimes it's great... and lots, for me, bad stuff in the childhood part... but even that is "past", "memories", and like... IDK... hard to explain.

What I mean "NOT knowing" was until Pixie told me, I didn't realize we were connected that way, that we and Zor and others are like... what we are. That we're all ONE person. It's weird. I don't know how to process this.

Zor wrote:What I mean "NOT knowing" was until Pixie told me, I didn't realize we were connected that way, that we and Zor and others are like... what we are. That we're all ONE person. It's weird. I don't know how to process this. [/color]

It's a big perspective change. I have it on the outside--as the one who is sort of the surface through which others act. I thought it was just me with different moods. How can there be all these other people in here?

Ones who have started to come from inside always seem to have a sense of what happened in our outside life, even if it doesn't seem like they were there for it. But it doesn't seem like they have been living a life on the inside--just that they have been sort of stuck there, not really aware of time passing. I don't know of anyone who has been living their own life on the inside, where things have happened to them that haven't happened on the outside.
(Cue denial feelings: "So, maybe I don't really have DID then. I must just be faking." )

TheGangsAllHere wrote:

Zor wrote:What I mean "NOT knowing" was until Pixie told me, I didn't realize we were connected that way, that we and Zor and others are like... what we are. That we're all ONE person. It's weird. I don't know how to process this. [/color]

It's a big perspective change. I have it on the outside--as the one who is sort of the surface through which others act. I thought it was just me with different moods. How can there be all these other people in here?

Ones who have started to come from inside always seem to have a sense of what happened in our outside life, even if it doesn't seem like they were there for it. But it doesn't seem like they have been living a life on the inside--just that they have been sort of stuck there, not really aware of time passing. I don't know of anyone who has been living their own life on the inside, where things have happened to them that haven't happened on the outside.
(Cue denial feelings: "So, maybe I don't really have DID then. I must just be faking." )

So what I'm wondering and thinking is... in my inside life, there was abuse from my dad... now outside, Zor's dad was NEVER abusive... but I am wondering if cuz of it almost certainly happening when we were a toddler, and an uncle... in the home of his family, his Mom & Dad were supposed ot be the ones to protect the family, the kids, and like NOT let things happen...
Then later, his parents fought a lot- _I_ remember that stuff, parents fighting... even if it wasn't that way internally... it's such a mish-mash it feels like

And later, when the foster kids were in the house... and the oldest one, she did things... I am curious if like a subconscious way our mind like pushed the suffering we had, mostly myself (when we were super little) and Pixie (suffered the stuff from the foster girl mostly)... could it be subconsciously us being "background" and "out" so limited that it felt like a dream to us, and us like denying it was real and happening... so Zor wouldn't know and he would be safe... could that be how we like rationalized and "experienced" and understood it INSIDE?!

Cuz like without context, I can't even understand how we'd survive ONLY knowing pain and trauma. IDK... this is so new to me and so confusing still. Maybe I'm asking the wrong things, or just being stupid…

Hello Angel, welcome to the forum.

I know this is really tough, easier said than done stuff, but maybe try not to stress over it so much. Like, I get that we want to make sense of this stuff. We want our lives to make sense and be something we can understand.

With this DID stuff though, it seems like sometimes we just can't be sure. Like, what you're saying does sound like it makes sense and could be entirely possible. But there's no way any of us can say for sure, and maybe even no way for you to be 100% sure.

You just have to get to a point where, you accept what you suspect or what you think or what you figured out. Whether or not it can be 'proven' or whatever, you just have to accept it, and then work with that, to heal or fix or process or whatever.

Like, yesterday we wound up in about the darkest place we've been since our DID crisis started. It came from our youngest part. She's shown us a couple really, really awful things that maybe happened to her, to us. One of the things we have 3rd-party confirmation, we know that happened. The other two, we don't know and because of our situation, we will probably never ever find out.

So, rather than stressing over whether those other two things really happened or not, we just have to accept that to at least one of us, those things did happen and they were real for her. And we have to help her get through them.

That's my suggestion for you. Try not to worry as much on connecting dots and matching what you experienced to what the outside body experienced. Just worry about what's going on now, and what stuff you all need to do, to help and heal all of you.

Arin