*TW* Disagreements over sexual activity

we're really struggling to handle something right now and i have no idea what to do about it.

**trigger warning - sex, potential sexual trauma**

jones and i (alice) are sexually active adults in relationships. for reasons neither of us understand, we are unable to handle penetrative sex at all. it is very confusing trying to figure out when this became an issue or why. there is no sexual trauma that we are aware of. sex in itself can be triggering and lead to a sudden switch (usually a little ends up fronting) and/or severe dissociation, but it is much more likely to happen if we attempt anything penetrative. we have been avoiding this issue for a long time now.

in an attempt to make it okay again, jones and i got some dilators. it is a piece of medical equipment used to slowly get your body re-used to penetration. we both assumed, i guess, that the issue with this was simply physical, that we just need to get the body re-used to this. but we have been getting a really distressed response from others in the system, mainly accusations of the two of us of being "bad" and "mean" because we know this is "scary" and that we don't "need" to do it. i asked about it, and explained we just want it to be okay again, that it's unfair to say we can't even try, especially when we're not being told why this is even bad in the first place. after that things seemed to settle down, so later in the shower i tried the dilator and it was completely fine... up until we started dissociating so intensely we could barely move.

since then it's been a mess of accusations and arguing and i feel really frustrated and upset. i don't know what's going on, or why this is such a huge problem, and being told this doesn't "need" to be done and that i'm a horrible person for wanting this specific aspect of sex to be okay is really upsetting, especially when i don't even know why it's a problem in the first place.

**end warning**

i don't know what we're supposed to do, what compromise we're supposed to come up with, whether jones and i are supposed to just accept that this isn't fine and never attempt to make it okay, or if we should keep trying to make it okay even though it's clearly upsetting others in the system. it's so frustrating not knowing what to do about it. all communication right now is revolving around this idea that we don't "need" to do this, so why are we doing it when it's clearly such a "bad" thing. i don't know what to do about that at all.

i wondered if this was an issue for anyone else, and what we could do to try and make this more manageable.

- alice

As long as it is triggering to the point littles end up in situations they should never be, you can not do it. It doesn't have to mean you can never do it, but you can not force it to others and think they will be OK. Systems has to be much more organized, so that wrong parts don't need to get involved with anything and they feel safe. You all must feel safe. It's the most important thing. Because the reactions are so big, I think it takes time, therapy and communication. Why do they feel it's bad? Be understanding. If you don't recall SA, the ones who call it bad may remember, and from any defender's point of view it's a valid question, why to do something that is clearly overly upsetting, when you don't have to.

Don't ask their reasons to have what you want. You need to promise first, it won't happen to anyone who doesn't want to, and everyone is safe. After they feel safe, they may be more ready to share what upsets them so much. As long as you can not be sure there is no little who thinks it's her/his place to take over when something happens, you just can't do things that aren't for kids. I don't know how your system works, maybe if it's not a big problem, it's enough that you have an inner safety room where everyone can go and they don't have to be aware of outside, because there are adults making sure everything is OK, and doing what adults do. Protectors may not be that easy. And if it is something bigger than inconvenience, and to me it sounds it is, you need to understand sexuality is one of the last thing you repair and create to be healthy kind in trauma therapy, and it can take years to get there.

I don't know if I'd have problems like that, because I don't find it interesting to let anyone close to me like that. Some of that can come from Sami, who I think is the one who keeps me away from other outside people to keep us safe. No people, no threats of any kind. He has only dated guys inside the system himself, he is sexual, and will not give it up, but he don't get outside people into our life for himself either. I'm not a virgin, but it was half life away from this day, I did it to be normal, and I was not aware of others then, or actually I wasn't aware they are more than just imagination. What would happen this day, I don't know. I don't like penetration, I don't use tampons for example because of that. I don't find myself disgusting either, I feel I am normal physically and I'm OK with myself, but that's it.

Since that thing half life ago, there was a phase, maybe 6 months or so, when we were out of any medication and we had our libido back. Then Anastasia was "born", she is the one who has our female sexuality. It has been only time in my life I remember I felt good about being female, and had female kind of sexual interests. Other than that, we only have sexually active males, and that has nothing to do with body's female parts. Also Anastasia is into BDSM, she is dominant and sadistic. (Her sadism is only sexual, and there's nothing wrong with her sense of empathy, so she is no danger to anyone and does not get any kicks out of being mean any way to anyone who doesn't understand what she means with it.) Her sexuality is not based on intercourse at all, but it is a different feeling to be aroused like a female or like a boy or man.

Having normal kind of sex life with some man sounds very uninteresting and therefor too intimate and therefore intimidating to me. I just don't, that's it. If I'd have to be in a relationship now, and I could choose any kind, I would be in asexual but romantic relationship with another woman. Still guys in my system have such big influence that in order to be sexual, I'd need to be male. Then I could imagine being with another male, and be totally OK with it.

Sexuality is complex, and even if there is no sexual trauma, sexuality builds on pieces traumatized people don't usually really have. You need to love and respect and value yourself, be able to show real emotions and reveal your most intimate things. Sexuality is easy to mess, also without SA. Any abuse can destroy it. You may be able to do it, but you don't do it for yourself but because it's normal. I'm past the point where I'd do anything just to be normal. And it's not so rare to have part whose job it is, just like we got Anastasia because being sexual just didn't fit to be part of me, so it crew to be part of system.

i think i get what you mean. i guess it's hard 'cause me and alice didn't sign up for this. i know the kids didn't sign up for this either, it ain't their fault we're in this mess, it just sucks 'cause being allowed to be sexual and reclaiming certain stuff is really important for me and alice. we just want it to be okay, ya know?

but yeah i get what you're saying, we got a lot of trust to build up and communication to sort out before we can tackle this stuff, even if it's frustrating. we obviously want the kids to feel safe and listened to, it ain't about that. it's just hard being adults in a body we can't call our own, dealing with responses to trauma that no-one will tell us about, and feeling suffocated by the whole thing.

me and alice have our own issues, and we just wanna live our lives, ya know? it's hard feeling like we can't do xyz 'cause of kids we have no choice but to take care of. i don't resent the kids, i'd be an asshole if i did, but it's hard not to resent the situation. maybe for other people it ain't that hard, or they enjoy taking care of kids or whatever, but it's something i haven't accepted yet. i haven't found out how to deal with my own stuff and take care of the kids and make sure they're okay all at the same time. it's a lot of responsibility that i really didn't ask for and really don't want.

i know i have to accept stuff better, and try and understand where the kids are coming from, and be patient if they don't wanna tell me stuff yet, or at all. and i know i gotta deal with my own stuff somehow. it's just tiring having to constantly tiptoe around stuff and inevitably stepping on someone's toes and having to deal with the mess that comes with it.

anyway thanks for the response, we appreciate it.

- jones

There are some things that are off-limits for us also because of past trauma--I guess that's common. I know most of the reasons, I think, and I can see why it would be even more frustrating to be kept from doing something and to not have any idea why.

Your feelings are important, also, though--as important as the kids. My T talks about trying to work out compromises--but there has to be enough communication first.

For now, I guess you can try to focus on the sexual activities that you can do, and on enjoying those, and keep trying to build up communication and trust with the younger ones.

Trigger Warning.....

There are some important questions to ask here. There are folks in PA, USA are that will help you ...Inbox me


Are you devoutly religious because they state NO masterbation?
Are you overt in your presentation? Will your presentation spoken or body wise cause someone to ask those question especially if you get to that knowledge a little early
Is the relationships in jeopardy?
Are you at risk, only if you understand defensive mechanism and can afford to be something else to anyone? Can be as minimal odd hands at folks running into people and is there anyone that can cause you to get out your boundaries that isn't some form of acceptable lifesytle. (Thought you was related but wasn't)


So, there is fostering consider to do with this what you will. There is suppose to be some decline sexually when going into therapy because of connecting the dots to share all those symptoms pleasure of it and what others don't like and recovering of memories to now share about movies and dinner after the fact.... If you check Stablizatoin of the patient 50 treatment issues by Kathy Broady you can understand what happens in therapy

-- Sat Feb 02, 2019 1:32 pm --

Midgets and those Adults with Child like voices are okay so it is a very sacred part of DID but I know we aren't those that make divorce rate sky rocket. And yes I believe we are the marrying type too.

@ TheGangsAllHere - i guess that's the balance we're trying to put in place. me and alice have to respect our own feelings and not ignore them or whatever, but we gotta work with the others and respect their feelings too, and somehow make the whole thing work instead of being a mess.

that's what we're trying to do, yeah. i guess sometimes you get too caught up in what you can't do instead of what you can, especially when you don't know why you can't do it either.

@ subversiverisks - i dunno if i'm just being dumb but i can't understand what you're trying to say. we don't live in the states and we have a good therapist so we're fine, thanks. we ain't religious, and we don't avoid masturbating. mine and alice's relationships are just fine, no risk of it going wrong right now anyway. i don't get the rest of what you're saying though, sorry.

- jones

What was the outcome of explaining that sex is actually a need to those who don't realise that it is?

Sarandipity wrote:What was the outcome of explaining that sex is actually a need to those who don't realise that it is?

i'm not quite sure i get what you mean. jones and i did explain that for us, this is important, that being intimate with our partners and feeling comfortable being intimate in this body is important. and yes, that wasn't well understood by some of the others, because to them it's very traumatising and/or because they lack any feelings of sexual attraction for others. none of us are wrong, which is why we have to talk about this stuff more and establish a lot of trust between each other before we try and tackle this subject again, so that we can better understand each other and respect each other's feelings.

most aspects of being sexually intimate are fine, if we're careful. we're not being forbidden from having sexual relationships at all, it's just this particular aspect of it that we're not ready to deal with yet collectively, even if jones and i wished we were ready, and we have to accept that.

hope that makes sense.

- alice

Oh my God I'm dealing with a similar situation. It's very frustrating and it's like I'm going through trauma that I never been through before.


Idk if its because of unknown littles or the parts of me that were made during my did crisis just lost their sex drive ....but sometines I'm hot and ready and ready to go and ...I feel triggered...
Its causing me so much trauma now.


This is hard. But we are working on it.