***Trigger Warning ***Persecutor Punishment***

Trigger Warning** I have a persecutor part that is very verbally abusive but only shows up occasionally. I don’t know what triggers him but since he always tells me I'm a terrible person, I try to be really “good” so he won’t feel the need to punish me. He calls me terrible names and he hurts me…he brings feelings of terror and hopelessness and makes me see myself as this terrible worthless person. When he is present I feel completely dominated...it doesn’t occur to me to fight or to try to talk to him…I am in some kind of survival mode where I am not thinking, I am just terrorized…kind of frozen in this terrible place. But I noticed something. The last time he showed up, I felt the worst I ever have from him…I have the sense that over time in some way, he is getting closer to me. I don’t exactly know what that means but I wonder if it means he is actually becoming less dissociated and that’s why I am feeling the terrible feelings more. This last time, even after he stopped the verbal abuse, I continued to feel the terrible feelings for many days which is unusual. Does anyone have any experiences like this and/or with what happens when persecutors become less dissociated? **End Trigger Warning

The closest we have to a persecution part is the twins. They tend to mock other people internally which leaves a really bad feeling.

Also if they spot a persecutor outside they will take it upon us all to persecute them. They've been like it since we were small - someone's being bullied in the playground and they take great pleasure in bullying that bully.

When younger every part basically did what they liked but since it was decided and realised we'd have a better life if we "aligned" they have took over dealing with and organising that and they're very over protective of how they did it. We have a more aligned fulfilling life. After I tried to delve into how they do things they showed me something very disturbing last night of something of our past that is blocked out.

Anyway back to your question. I'll let the twins answer:

It sounds like your internal persecutor is of very low intelligence and also set on self destruction. However this persecutor would also have knowledge of how an abuser operates and feels. It's not going to be pretty but to get to real grips and understanding of him you will have to let him get close or "in" There are huge benefits to this because understanding or knowledge means power, not just over him but in seeing outside persecutors, knowing how their mind works and knowing how to keep them away, avoid them or get rid of them effectively.

If you can also after getting to know this persecutor make him realise it's in his interest to stop internal persecution and work with all of you to have a more fulfilling life then he can be very useful. If he won't align then we would dismantle him because he's useless and obsolete. We had an internal narcissist which is now internally a pile of lego, there if we want to examine it to remind ourselves but inactive. It sounds probably horrible but if this alter will not bring something good, which it sounds like he could at the moment because he has knowledge that is useful to you, then that's the best option for the whole of you in our opinion.

Unfortunately, I have acted in similar ways in the past. I wanted to reply to this personally because I am trying to reform and become a different person, and thought you would benefit from hearing this side of the story, so to speak.

It is rare for a persecutor to act in this way simply for the sake of it. The motives behind my past actions were necessity. At the time, we were living in a hostile and abusive environment. I mimicked outside abuse as well as forming specific internal rules of my own accord so that the others would be kept in line. To me, it did not matter what I did, because it was necessary. We left that environment a few years ago, but it took me a very long time to accept that fact. I was at my worst soon after we left, in fact, because I could not accept what was happening. I am now trying to accept our circumstances and change my behaviour, but it is difficult and complicated.

What you must ask yourself - and this persecutor part - is why this is happening. Why do you think this part is acting in this way? Is there an outside person they are mimicking? Are they afraid of a loss of purpose if they stop acting in this way? Are they in the present time and/or able to acknowledge that any outside abuse that was happening has stopped? Do they have a specific reason for why they feel this behaviour is necessary? If you cannot ask this part yourself, or don't feel safe asking, then is there someone else you can speak to about the matter?

Something else to bear in mind - sometimes, young parts will take on an older and/or scary visage so they will be listened to, or so they can feel safe. We had someone like that here, who is no longer acting in this way since we spoke to him and acknowledged his feelings. Sometimes, parts cannot recognise they are in a safe environment, since they are trapped in the past. Or, if you are all still in an unsafe environment, they are fueled by a need to survive at all costs, which can lead to rather upsetting behaviour.

I hope this is of some use.

- Charles

I don't think it's helpful to think of a part as a persecutor. As Charles said, they are acting to protect the system in the best way they can--a way that was necessary at the time it began.

My T has taught me to respect them and thank them for the difficult job they had to do, but also to try to point out that circumstances have changed and help them start to realize that we don't need that type of protection anymore.

I have a part who is detached and floating up above, and used to be verbally abusive--calling me ugly, bad, unlovable, and worthless. I think they did get stronger at first when I started this therapy a year and a half ago, but now when they try to say that stuff to me, there are other parts who will answer back that it isn't true, because they have taken in the positive regard from the T, and have that to counteract the negative words.

Thank you, Sarandipity. I am hopeful that however bad it feels, I will learn more about this part as he gets closer and that we will be able to escape this dynamic, which has been so frightening. I know he wants me to be alone, since he has stated that he is going to make sure I am. He told me he saved my life on several occasions, but mostly he acts like he wants to hurt me.

Charles, thank you! The idea about if my current environment is dangerous struck home. My current environment is safe in the physical sense but it feels similar to my early years emotionally/mentally which would trigger the persecutor to think my life is in danger and I need to be kept in line. That had not occurred to me. I still deal with feelings that people are trying to hurt me or even kill me sometimes, so it makes sense that this part would still see the need to perform his function. But then it feels like HE is trying to kill me or wants to, so it is confusing.

TheGangsAllHere, thank you! It hadn't occurred to me that I shouldn't think of this part as a persecutor since that's what he does and it seems like he is trying to hurt me, but I guess that isn't helpful and only pushes him further away and probably adds to his anger and hatred. I understand what you are saying about thanking him and helping him to realize I don't need that type of protection anymore. I have been so afraid of him, I didn't want to attract his attention by talking to him, and then when he comes to attack me, I CAN'T talk to him because I am frozen.

Thank you all so much for sharing. You have given me a lot to think about and to work on.

Go with the continuum of what happens around him and when triggered out. Re share and xplain start to pick up on hey it wasn't so bad this time around. Rewards and treats are a great idea also just make them understand affect from drama movies aren't the only space to live in ,unless you work for Horror Film or Thriller movies it wants it just do so make sure. Get a gun for protector and self defense classes keep it exposed until you can talk with your therapist about some other forms of going in with the whole.

Thank you for the ideas, subversiverisks. I will try to be more aware of what is going on around the time he is triggered. I don't know if he can hear me when he is not actually fronting, and when he is fronting I can't think...I am very dissociated although not blacked out--I am not in touch with the real world. After he leaves I forget a lot of what he said but I remember how terrorized I felt and that he hates me. I will keep trying to talk to him anyway, try to figure out what he wants, and explain the benefits of cooperation and not living in a horror film.

everyone23 wrote:Thank you for the ideas, subversiverisks. I will try to be more aware of what is going on around the time he is triggered. I don't know if he can hear me when he is not actually fronting, and when he is fronting I can't think...I am very dissociated although not blacked out--I am not in touch with the real world. After he leaves I forget a lot of what he said but I remember how terrorized I felt and that he hates me. I will keep trying to talk to him anyway, try to figure out what he wants, and explain the benefits of cooperation and not living in a horror film.

Different parts of me didn't like eachother. We have very different ways of being and of seeing things so there was friction. There is alot less friction now but there used to be alot of friction and sabotaging eachother in every life aspect. Also stronger parts would really dislike and find irritating weaker parts. The stronger parts had no time for weakness and viewed any weakness with disdain.

So perhaps this is this guys problem? - He views you as weak and he doesn't like weakness. If that's a part of why he dislikes you then maybe talking about how vulnerability is actually a strength and also necessary to be a fully rounded human being and affords things like compassion which is a valuable attribute then he might come to understand and like you better.

Dislike of weakness was a big cause of friction for me internally. Outside weak people were seen to be protected and not viewed negatively but internal weakness was abhorrent to some. Once that was tackled it made life better and internal relations were much easier and mutual respect was gained. We liked eachother - which made all the difference.

Maybe this applies to your aggressive guy?

Hi Sarandipity! Yes, this guy doesn't seem to have any empathy for what he sees as weakness. My first memory of him was after a severe trauma. He immediately began verbally attacking me as soon as I was safe. I was a child and he just ripped me up one side and down the other so I don't think he understands weakness or being a child or the merits of vulnerability or anything. He blamed me entirely as far as I can tell. I can see that he must have thought being hard and tough was the only way to protect us. As I write this I can see that he sees himself as a soldier in a war. You are always prepared, you never forget you are a soldier...you never forget you are in a war, you never lay down your weapon, you trust no one, you get close to no one. If you forget those things, if you lose focus, you could die. If you forget you are in a war, if you aren't ready when the attack comes, you are a moron and deserve whatever you get.

He is making fun of me in this whiney sarcastic voice: "I don't think anyone likes me...maybe I will learn to crochet...maybe I can join a group and get to know some people"...I understood in a way that he must be trying to protect us but didn't understand why he was so contemptuous of me and attacked me, instead of just warning me, for instance. I understand now. It makes perfect sense. If I saw a soldier in the middle of a battlefield crocheting and wondering if the enemy liked him, I would think he had lost his mind, too.

everyone23 wrote:If I saw a soldier in the middle of a battlefield crocheting and wondering if the enemy liked him, I would think he had lost his mind, too.

One of my protectors is saying, “See?? She gets it!!”