I went to therapy alone yesterday. We had a map of my system and I went to tell about it. It was just names and ages, cause I didn't know how was it supposed to be. I didn't remember everyone, I can never remember them all at the same time. I went alone, cause it's easier than try to switch. And I don't want anyone to take me, I can go on my own, I'm not a little kid.
I can't stay in the body. I was me outside and when I went in and said hi. Then I forgot how I move and talk, body is not mine and it does things I don't do. I don't remember how I do them. And I hear mouth saying words I don't use, with wrong voice. I don't talk like that, but I don't remember how do I talk and it comes out wrong way.
I failed again. I can't stay in the body when other people see me, since it's not mine. I can't sit like I do, body is too thick and stiff and I can't have my back straight. I hate it. And I hate it when I don't remember how am I, and body does things the way it's used to. I really tried and practiced and all, but I'm still just a failure. I don't remember how I am like.
I'm disappointed and I don't wanna live in here. I wanna feel pain to feel better, but I can't do that either. Hands let me write, but they don't let me do what I want to. I only said hi like me and after that it went all wrong way. I sound like a girl.
#Fourteen