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I'm failing the therapy

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I'm failing the therapy

Postby SystemFlo » Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:01 am

I went to therapy alone yesterday. We had a map of my system and I went to tell about it. It was just names and ages, cause I didn't know how was it supposed to be. I didn't remember everyone, I can never remember them all at the same time. I went alone, cause it's easier than try to switch. And I don't want anyone to take me, I can go on my own, I'm not a little kid.

I can't stay in the body. I was me outside and when I went in and said hi. Then I forgot how I move and talk, body is not mine and it does things I don't do. I don't remember how I do them. And I hear mouth saying words I don't use, with wrong voice. I don't talk like that, but I don't remember how do I talk and it comes out wrong way.

I failed again. I can't stay in the body when other people see me, since it's not mine. I can't sit like I do, body is too thick and stiff and I can't have my back straight. I hate it. And I hate it when I don't remember how am I, and body does things the way it's used to. I really tried and practiced and all, but I'm still just a failure. I don't remember how I am like.

I'm disappointed and I don't wanna live in here. I wanna feel pain to feel better, but I can't do that either. Hands let me write, but they don't let me do what I want to. I only said hi like me and after that it went all wrong way. I sound like a girl.

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Re: I'm failing the therapy

Postby KawaiiKitty » Tue Jan 29, 2019 11:18 am

Nah
You can't fail therapy
And at the end of the day you're trying. That's what matters. Every little step is still progress. You'll be proud of how far you've come one day.

You aren't a failure.

I know what it's like to feel like a intruder when I'm out. Eventually I stopped caring what strangers and people close would think.
I'm me, and our system is us.

And you are you and your system is you all. Eventually you'll work out every thing

Nadia.
~Our System, a family~
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Re: I'm failing the therapy

Postby TheGangsAllHere » Tue Jan 29, 2019 2:27 pm

Hi Fourteen,

You went to therapy on your own, with a map of your system, and you said hi like yourself. Those sound like successes to me.

Going to therapy and trying to talk about what's happening IS succeeding. A therapist can fail to help you, but YOU can't fail therapy.

It's very hard to change patterns and habits that have been there for a long time. And it's very hard to have someone look at the body and not see YOU. That happens to us also.

When you are brave and try something, remember to do something good for yourself afterwards, whether you "succeed" or not. Because you have succeeded at being brave and trying it, regardless of the outcome. (Oliver is saying you should buy yourself a cookie or an ice cream sundae, because that's what he and the other littles like us to get :D ).
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Re: I'm failing the therapy

Postby raptureblues » Tue Jan 29, 2019 3:10 pm

it's really hard dealing with this stuff. the body feeling wrong, sounding wrong, looking wrong - it really sucks. there are things that can make it easier, but you'd have to talk about it with the others in your system to see how they feel about it. i wear a binder and a packer to try and deal with dysphoria. it helps a lot. i have clothes i can wear that i feel okay in. there are voice exercises you can do to try and make your voice deeper, if you wanted to try it. if speaking's hard, you can always write stuff down instead and not talk out loud. i do that a lot when i hate how my voice sounds.

it's also okay to tag team therapy with someone. me and alice do this a lot. i find it hard to talk to people because i'll panic about the voice sounding wrong, that people are gonna see me as a girl, or see me as alice and not me - stuff like that. so me and alice have a set-up where if i gotta bail from a session - before, during, or after - she'll let me tag out and she'll deal with the rest. it helps 'cause you don't feel like you have to commit to going to a session, or that you'll be trapped with the therapist if you enter the room with them.

you did really good going to the session and showing the map to your therapist. you had to bail because it felt bad, and that's completely fine, ya know? it's fine to walk to the place where you have therapy and bail before the session, or bail in the waiting room, or bail at any point during the session. bailing isn't bad. doesn't make you a failure or anything.

at least with me, having stuff to make the body feel less wrong and knowing the others support me and will let me bail if i need to really helped me feel better about everything. they know it's hard to deal with dysphoria and all that, so they help me to work around it. it does get easier, just gotta figure out what helps and make sure you ain't dealing with it all on your own.

- jones
alice (18~24, she/her), jones (14~24, he/him), lain (9~14, they/them), charles (32, he/him), bubbles (6, she/her), rose (14, she/her), peter (14, he/him)

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Re: I'm failing the therapy

Postby Sarandipity » Tue Jan 29, 2019 6:14 pm

Hi Fourteen, my opinion is that you can't "do therapy wrong"
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No-one and Peter, Beth and Karen, Mandy and Mouse plus a seperate system of fragments including: rabit and others.
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Re: I'm failing the therapy

Postby Zor » Tue Jan 29, 2019 10:35 pm

The only way you "fail" is if you don't try or are not honest with yourself (all of you) in the process. It's all about sincere and honest effort... results are, to some degree, irrelevant. Progress is progress.
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Re: I'm failing the therapy

Postby SystemFlo » Thu Jan 31, 2019 8:13 pm

Thanks guys. I'm starting to feel better.

I went there and explained the map like I'd planned. I can't talk and stay aware of who am I at the same time. It was fine until it was over and I realized I didn't do good enough. I don't know how am I anyway, because I have DID too.

Host thinks I didn't move like she does. She keeps her arms near to her body and I didn't when I showed something. I don't know about that.

I slept for two days and half day today. I got more medication today from psychiatrist and it helps. Yesterday was a job day, but I didn't know, and we didn't remember to go. No one called us on the morning where are we, so maybe they don't want us there anyway. We got to know about it later on the afternoon.

I'm still tired.

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