Need help- past behavior coming back-used to be troublemaker

Hey so here I am. Our host told me it is alright for me to post so I guess I will. I wrote something yesterday but it was on our host's journey thread. I figured I would make my own post- hope that is alright. I need help. I used to be a troublemaker in our system. I got better for the longest time. I am extremely close to our host now- so that's cool. The thing is- I don't know what is wrong with me- some of my troublemaking behavior is returning. It is really bothering our host and me. Me especially because I don't want to sabotage anything. What do I do? I feel torn between this. I'm too ashamed to admit who I am. Our host knows anyway- plus I think at least TJ knows. TBH I think it's not just me having the problem. I think another one is having issues again like me- I'm not going to rat him out however (he's one of our many inner world friends).

P.S. I can't bring myself to say what is wrong exactly in therapy. It's bad enough that our host knows- even worse that TJ knows. Can't say anything to therapist because then our therapist will even know.

Do you have a good T? T can be the one who can help you with this and find out the reason. It's very hard for us to try to guess it from here, without knowing you and your whole situation. Can you, or someone, find a way to tell T, before you are too deep in trouble?

I agree with floralie your T is going to help you a lot. When it came time for me to fess up and say all the horrible things i had done my T didnt even react she just was happy i told her. Theres nothing to be afraid of. On the topic of falling back think of it like a coping mechanism it means that something is bugging you and you want to cope with it the good ol fashioned way.

My personal experience is: I get that a lot to but its been so long for me its kind of like trying to turn the key on a dead car. My brain just kinda says “oh well jk i guess we dont actually do that anymore” the feeling the needing to do something is there but actually doing anything just cant seem to happen.

I would suggest to try and find the root of the cause ask yourself what is making you feel unsafe. Is there anything bothering you? Has a recent event occurred that could have triggered this?

Some general self care can be doing something for yourself that you appreciate like getting an ice cream or getting to take a break or go somewhere you like.

-scar

Thanks for your replies! We do have a good T- but I'm afraid to tell her. She thinks it's great how much I changed. If she knows that I'm having those issues again- I fear she won't like me anymore. I fear if I get real bad that our host won't even like me anymore. I fear no one will. It boils down to my trust issues.

*******Trigger******
venting and school/bully issues

In school we were on our own. We had to handle everything our self. None of the staff nor the principal helped us. We were bullied horribly. The mental, physical, and emotional abuse we had to endure everyday was worse than torture. Whenever we asked the staff, principal, even the consular for help back then- no one bothered to do ANYTHING!!!!!! It MAKES Me SO MAD!!!! The people working at the school who were supposed to help us did absolutely NOTHING! Everyone hated us there. I believe that is the main reason why I'm so messed up. I feel like I said- if I tell our T- I fear she won't like me anymore. My trust is too far broken. I could get our host to tell our T- but I have no clue how I would be able to remain anonymous. I feel our T will pry for my name. I'm too ashamed to admit my name. I just realized too- if our host mentions the issue- then it automatically will narrow it down to me. Unless I lie about my name- make up a new one. One that won't be tied to anyone. I don't really want to do that however. That'll possibly be worse than just admitting my name.
********End Trigger******


I wish I knew the root cause for my problem. Our host has been stressed out a lot lately. I don't know if that has anything to do with it or not- Possibly. I think it is a deeper issue with me however. My friend- in our inner world- is having problems too. So I believe maybe our issues are tied. I think I know what part of my issue is caused by- but to admit it would narrow it down to me. My name would be singled out- based on what our host used to write about me. I don't blame her. I was really bad- I'll admit.

Hi, I agree with talking to the therapist.

Personally I'm pretty much more trouble makers than anything else. Well at least 50/50

How I've dealt with it: Firstly I realised there's definitely an adrenaline junkie so that I get out of my system by going to theme parks, going on fair ground rides. That gives an adrenaline rush but it's safe. If the wrong person gets on the ride then there is panic lol but still rationally it's pretty safe.

For confrontational issues I went to assertion training - loads, all different types so I could be assertive rather than aggressive or passive - that helped all round.

Sometimes I still do mild trouble maker things but they're very low level and funny rather than harmful. I think that's ok, I'm human not a robot, I can't be perfect.

A therapist can help you but you can also look at what the issue is and work out how to help or get it out of your system.

Much luck

Ponyta wrote:Thanks for your replies! We do have a good T- but I'm afraid to tell her. She thinks it's great how much I changed. If she knows that I'm having those issues again- I fear she won't like me anymore. I fear if I get real bad that our host won't even like me anymore. I fear no one will. It boils down to my trust issues.

When I was a teen I had regular meetings with school's psychologist. I was not allowed to tell about anything that happens at home, and I was not able to tell what was going on in my mind, because it was all too weird to talk about in her office under bright lights. After I got caught of lying to everyone about having a boyfriend (who still is part of our system), I couldn't tell her inner world stories either. So I needed help, but had no way to talk about what was going on. It was waste of time for both of us, to go sit there and talk about dogs, but what ever, it made adults happy I was "getting help". I don't think teaching her things about Bernese mountain dogs' narrow gene pool was really helping me or her or Bernese mountain dogs, but it was just a way to spend time. She was no therapist, and my problems were too severe for her to help anyway. I should have had CPS and and a T involved to actually be helped, but ANPs can hide all problems deep enough no one can see them.

I let her decide what I feel and why. When ever she suggested something, anything, I said yes. I felt I was giving her what she wants, and that she wanted me to have the problems she suggested. I don't even remember what were them, nothing was about me really. But I honestly thought that is what she wants from me, and I gave her all she wanted. And I wondered why does she buy all that.

Now I realize it probably isn't true. She was there to help me, and other teens with problems, but I didn't let her help me. She didn't want me to feel anything she suggested, she just tried to guess, because I didn't give any answers myself. She probably really wanted to help, and I didn't let her. I didn't give her what she wanted, what she wanted was probably me being honest, but it was ruled out for several reasons. And she was impressed about my understanding and knowledge about dogs. In the end the principal asked me to help her with her two rottweilers with problems.

Your T is of course happy when you make progress, but if she is seasoned, she knows progress doesn't happen without problems and setbacks. It's not a straight line upwards. Your current situation tells about something, and if you don't tell her, you are giving her something you think she wants, but what she probably doesn't at all. You are not letting her treat you. She doesn't want you to please her, she doesn't want you to have distrust you are having now, she probably wants to know the truth. You need to give her chance to help you, and because you are clearly having issues with basic trust things cause you don't want to disappoint her, maybe start with that. Tell her you feel it's hard to talk about setbacks, because you feel she won't like you anymore, and no one will. That is an issue too that deserves some attention. And after telling and resolving that, it will be way easier to tell what the actual setback is.

You don't owe her getting better. That is traumatic thought, which is why it's important to talk about that too. You don't go to therapy to make therapist happy. Also T of course is happy when things are progressing well, but it has nothing to do with liking you. If you want to be easy to treat, then be as honest and open as you can, also about all the negative things. She can not treat things she doesn't know about. Telling her right away makes you easy to treat. How deep your traumas are and behaviors linked to them, is not something you can control, it is the way it is, and you both need to live with it. Don't live in illusion, where you hiding stuff of even lying about it, would be what your T hopes from you.

You are likable and important person regardless of any difficulties you have. They are not your fault. You can do it, you can tell. It is thing you have talked before, it's not even anything new, it just was deeper than it first seemed to be. Also this problem doesn't take away what have you achieved elsewhere, in other things. Also you are more experienced to deal with this one now than you were last time. Also if host or T are disappointed to what is going on, they are not disappointed on the fact you told. Longer you keep it as a secret, more disappointment your secret will cause. Telling is a right thing to do. I don't know what the actual problem is, if it is something that is dangerous to the body or something else that affect everyone, but if it is, they do have a right to know. They may not be happy about the problem being there, but you can be proud of telling. It means you want it to change and you are working on it.

I will be proud of you when you tell.

Like Floralie said, you can always step back a level with the T and talk about having something hard to talk about, and why it's hard, without jumping right into telling the actual thing. You can ALWAYS talk about the feeling about the feeling.

It's very common to feel like a T will judge something you say and dislike you for it, but a good T doesn't do that. My T is always appreciative when I tell him something--he appreciates the effort, and the trust, and the courage that it takes to share something. That's how he views new pieces of information--he doesn't judge the content. But there are still things that are scary and hard to tell him because of my past experiences of how people have reacted in the past.

Also, I'm sure your T knows that progress is never a straight line. When I told my T about something that happened that felt like big progress, he reminded ME not to expect that it would just be that way from now on.

Thanks for your replies! It feels good knowing others actually care about me. I see what all of you mean. I'm debating telling our T. I just don't know what's up with me lately. I avoided our host all day- probably shouldn't have done that. I didn't want to upset her- but instead I worried her. Weirdo told me that. So that's not good. I don't want to hurt her in any way. I'm also debating whether or not to admit my name on here. TBH I'm scared. TJ, Weirdo, and our host say they have my back- but really? It's not that I don't believe them- it's just me. I can't help but keep thinking I'm the problem. I think a major part of my problem is- I don't want to admit my problem for 2 reasons. One- I'm afraid I won't be liked anymore. Two- I don't want anyone thinking badly about our host. I can't help but feel she won't be liked because of me. She's out a lot more than me- so she is more likely to feel the judgement than me. She's been through enough already. I'm really torn- all of you make a good point in telling our T- I might tell her- It's just really hard for me to think about right now. Hopefully I can bring myself around to doing so- our T seems nice- but then again that brings up yet another issue (regarding my trust). Maybe I should just see what happens if I tell someone else in our world first- but that begs the question as to who. I might try telling Scar- only because I feel he will understand. I'm not so sure about the others.

It's not your fault you exist in the system, and it's not your fault what your job was, how you reacted to the trauma. It's not hosts decisions either. T won't accuse host from what do you do, and I doubt no one inside your system will either, they know you are not the same thing. Those are the ones who need to know first hand.

If it is something that affects other people as well, and they need to know about it, then it can be more complicated. What comes to my mind as an example of that kind of situation is when host or someone else from the system is in monogamous relationship and you have had sex outside with other people. Then it kind of creates the situation, where that SO can feel host cheated them, although they weren't aware. Even then not letting anyone know so you don't have to face the consequences, is not right thing to do to anyone involved. Confessing as fast as possible is best thing to do, and I think if it is something that affects other people as well, it's fair you are the one who will tell, not the host.

Addictions are also tricky. You can not stop them to please anyone else, you need to want to stop because of yourself. With other people I mean in this case outside ones, not system members, because it is their body too. Outside people who have someone addicted to something close to them, need to let go. They either need to let go of trying to control the addiction, they will never be able to do it, and not ask questions, not get involved by helping out with finances, not seeking support to the addict, but they can decide not to have that person in their life when they are not clean if the addiction is any chemical, or decide they can't have that person in their life at all. That's really hard lesson to learn for them, they can not control it, and the addict needs also not to pay that game with them, where one is trying to control and another one is getting better with lying and hiding. People who have addicts close to them, need to have support from others in the same situation.

What ever you have done or are doing now, your host still owes you. They can be as healthy as they are only because you and the other insiders deal with hard stuff.

Maybe if whole world is gonna stop for a moment because you told, it is what you need to understand the consequences of the things that have large consequences. Then you can learn and think better next time. Hiding is allowing.

It's not fair we have problems others caused to us, but we still need to pay the prize, but that is the way it is. Coming from a daughter of two alcoholics: pretty lies violates the trust way worse ways than honesty. They should never have told me they will stop, although they meant it at the moment. They should've taught me it is not my fault, and that's why I can not control it, and set me free from their problems. Their pretty lies kept me going around in circles with them.

Thanks Floralie! Sorry what you had to go through. It feels good hearing your kind words. I thought hard about telling our T. I typed up a short letter- but then got rid of it- didn't totally delete it- however. My problem is just between our own system- doesn't involve outside people. It's just very upsetting to me and our host.