Introduction ***Trigger Warning--Religious, Fear***

Hi! I am an older woman with children. I am married. I am tired and confused. ***START*** I am a lot better than I was but I have to leave my church because of how one of my alters behaved and what he said at a meeting. I was co-conscious and trying to keep him from speaking or laughing at them, but I couldn't keep him from smiling his head off and then as he began to speak, I lost time. I don't know what he said, but now they are afraid of me and think I need deliverance. How do you fix THAT. Now I will be alone again, which feels like a great relief, but will feel bad later. The main goal of my system seems to be to keep me away from people, which they are doing a great job of. I knew in general that I see people as dangerous but all of a sudden I seem to have a new alter coming up who sees people as actually evil.***STOP***

It seems like I spend most of my therapy on trust issues, although when they come up now, they are much more easily resolved. I know my therapist has talked to some of my alters, especially some of the littles, but she doesn't tell me about it, even when asked directly.

***START*** I haven't been trying to have contact with any of my alters for maybe a year, because everything got so horrible. There was just chaos and terror, and it took a long time to come out of it. I think that's why she doesn't talk about it, but I'm not sure.***STOP***

So much for a good first impression. I don't know how to tell someone who I am...I am no one and I am everyone. Sort of like the Borg, lol. I am tired. I have a name, I just don't know what it is.

Hello & welcome to the forum!

I don't really have the experience to address some of the stuff you mentioned. But the bit about your T not telling you what she discusses with some of your other parts feels wrong to me.

Does she at least give you an explanation as to why she won't discuss that stuff? Like, I could see if it was to protect you, like if they're sharing stuff with her that you're not ready to hear cos it would be too upsetting or something like that.

Without knowing though it does sound like a trust thing. Like, if our T was keeping secrets from me and wouldn't say why, I'd have a lot of trouble trusting her.

Edited to add:
Does your T have experience treating DID? Cos it feels like when you say, you stopped trying to work with your parts for a year cos things got bad, that feels like no a good strategy? Like, ignoring them just makes things worse, usually.

We've always had our best results by paying attention to our parts, instead of ignoring them.

Good luck.

V2

Welcome!

That sounds like a really tough situation. TW religious ** Sunflower and I have speculated how much damage the church has done, with the best of intentions, over centuries. How many exorcisms were really DID... Especially considering number of systems that have angry and spiritual alters. Some even believing they are demons. ** End TW

I'm glad to hear things are at least more stable and that you have a T. Like V2 said, the best outcomes so far have come from activities where several insiders were able to work together. For SF, that has happened with a lot of activities from cooking, jigsaw puzzles, coloring, and crosswords. Took a while to get to that point though...

I would want to know why your T isn't sharing if I were you. I know with SF, there are times an insider would ask for confidentiality for a time. There were other things I found out and shared with SF's T, but that SF wasn't ready to know about, though Meg knew (SF's ISH). So Meg, the T, whoever held that memory, and I would have to keep secrets from SF until she was ready to handle them. THAT WAS HARD!!! Even so, Meg had to catch me a time or two from sharing.

everyone23 wrote:It seems like I spend most of my therapy on trust issues, although when they come up now, they are much more easily resolved. I know my therapist has talked to some of my alters, especially some of the littles, but she doesn't tell me about it, even when asked directly.

***START*** I haven't been trying to have contact with any of my alters for maybe a year, because everything got so horrible. There was just chaos and terror, and it took a long time to come out of it. I think that's why she doesn't talk about it, but I'm not sure.***STOP***

So much for a good first impression. I don't know how to tell someone who I am...I am no one and I am everyone. Sort of like the Borg, lol. I am tired. I have a name, I just don't know what it is.

Welcome!! This forum has been really helpful for me--I'd say it's as important as my therapy, and has helped me make SO much progress over the past 1 1/2 years since I became really aware of parts.

I'm also "older" (I don't think any of us feel or behave like the body's age though), married over 30 years, with three late-teen/young adult children, and a part-time professional job.

I also spend most of my therapy time on the relationship with the T, and sometimes I feel like that's not "doing it right," but he says that's the most important thing (in big words: "the centrality of the therapeutic relationship"). On Friday when I was having that feeling again, he told me story about sitting in on a class recently where someone was teaching about that, and the students were, like, "okay, got it," but then one of them raised their hand and asked, "But when do we actually get to do therapy?" (Not getting that that IS the therapy).

Like VioletFlux, I'm concerned about the secrets. My T just said yesterday that everyone is welcome to be there, and to watch, and that he doesn't want there to be any secrets. I have co-consciousness for pretty much everything, so there's always someone who knows what was talked about and can relay it to the rest of us--so that kind of issue hasn't come up. But if she won't tell you something when asked about it directly, you need to know why and it should be something that your system wants, not just something that the T decided on her own.

Is she trained in treating DID? I also can't imagine a DID therapist letting you avoid contact with the other parts for such a long time. Promoting communication is one of the most important first steps, followed by cooperation and learning to work together and take care of each other.

And I thought your introduction was just fine. You made a good first impression on ME, for what it's worth.

--the Gang

hey there!
we used to be in a church too but things got difficult and we left. it hurts and it can be very confusing.
I am here if you want to talk about it.
welcome to the forum!
L

Hi everyone23,

Welcome to the forum. We've been here for a little over four years. This is a very supportive community.

Like the others who've already replied, we're concerned about the secrecy issue that you mentioned. And how that sets up for possible trust issues between you and your T. If we were in a situation like that, we would at least want the T to explain why she's not letting you know what your others have said to her.

We hope that you can work this out with the T for the benefit of your entire system.

MDs

Wecolme. You & those that answered brought up a question we have had. Not sure how to make it a subthread! You mentioned your T not sharing conversations with some. How do you feel about that? Just learned some of mine have *private* conversations with T that are not shared. Sometimes T shares with one in charge with or without their permission. Sometimes others are listening in.Feel that they *should* have a right to workout a problem or issue with T. But also feel there shouldn't be secrets. But also just curious about what's up. Our T is a trauma expert & well known in the field. Most of us have come to trust him. But... He rarely asks for one to come out. Mostly just to be sure one comes who can drive safely home. They are more likely to ask permission to speak to him. Is this how others sessions are commonly conducted?

I am sorry I didn't respond earlier. I got really sick and it was hard to think. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk to me. I didn't know what a relief it would be to talk to people who understand. It seems like everyone mentioned the secrecy so I will address that. It helped me so much to look at this more closely.

I don't think my therapist or psychiatrist knew about treating DID because most everything they did was a terrible trauma. If they had understood, they would not have done what they did and don't get me wrong, they are wonderful. Before my evaluation when I was telling my psychiatrist about becoming aware of the others, he said you have to avoid going after the alters directly because they will hide. After my evaluation, he said I didn't have DID, but it was clear from his expression and voice that he was lying. Since I knew I had alters I thought maybe he said that due to his idea about alters hiding if you are looking for them, but I thought a psychiatrist wouldn't lie, so he must think I was lying. And the psychiatrist got mad at me when I went into an extreme emotional state. I figure psychiatrists must see emotional states at least some times, so why would he be angry unless he thinks I'm a liar. He seemed afraid of me and then he left abruptly. I can't tell you how messed up everyone inside was after that experience. If someone knew about DID, they would never do that to them. The ones who were so attached to him...it was terrible.

My T just kept doing therapy with me. I started telling her about what the others were saying and it felt like she was not that interested and so I didn't tell her a lot. Eventually I started talking a lot more about what was happening since things inside were so chaotic. Alters started showing up at therapy and she was talking to them when I was unaware. Sometimes alters would come to therapy and I would tell her what they said. I woke up at the end of the session once, early on, and felt her hugging the little who was present, which she had never done with me. Sometimes I would wake up and it would be the end of the session. When I have pressed her on wanting to know what they talked about because I was worried about it being really weird, she said it's not weird at all, but still didn't tell me what they talked about and one time she said she couldn't really tell the difference. She would explain what dissociation is and she told me I had had it since I was a child, and I just didn't know it. She talked in little bits and pieces about things but not very directly -- just very briefly and intermittently.

I experienced for the first time recently, her doing therapy with a younger part. She clearly knew it was a younger part and did things to help her feel more comfortable that she has never done with me, and she hugged her at the end and said she was special, and she would never do that with me. I wish there was a better way to do treatment, but she is the professional. So, she has been treating my alters but not talking about it, which i see is in line with their treatment model. So my mind has had to grapple with whether she believes me or not, whether I have it or not, am I making things up, which has been a huge source of instability and fear. I also have had doubts because the psychiatrist I have now has been really hurtful and I am reasonably certain he does not believe I have it. We don't live where there is anyone who treats this or at least it's not listed anywhere. My first psychiatrist actually did have it on his page as something he treats but it seems like most likely he had never treated anyone with it.

everyone23 wrote: I experienced for the first time recently, her doing therapy with a younger part. She clearly knew it was a younger part and did things to help her feel more comfortable that she has never done with me, and she hugged her at the end and said she was special, and she would never do that with me. I wish there was a better way to do treatment, but she is the professional.

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Oh, man. We don't even know where to begin to respond to this.

This is just so wrong.

You're in charge of your treatment, everyone23. Not the T. Just because she has alphabet soup after her name doesn't make her the expert on you. It sounds like she needs a thorough education on boundaries.

MDs

Thank you, MakersDozn. I have thought she has had some boundary problems before but it didn't occur to me in this instance. I know I have been worried about the littles getting too attached considering what happened when the psychiatrist left and keep trying to cut back appts. which hasn't been so successful. But I know I have to. I am sure they are already too attached. They got so attached before and i had no idea anything was happening.