Finding a new "role"

The others have their respective threads to speak of things here, but I feel none of them would wish for me to discuss things about myself in those places, so I will do so here instead, if that is allowed. They can add their input if they so wish, as can anyone else who reads this.

I am Charles. I have been here for a very long time, the longest out of everyone. I am trying to change and become a different person after years of playing certain roles out of "necessity". I do not feel comfortable discussing the details of that, but I can make clear that I did and said things that caused harm, and they are things I regret.

I am a rather private person, at least compared to some of the others, but having somewhere to express myself feels somewhat needed. I do not wish to step on anyone's toes, which is why I am putting this here opposed to the already existing threads. It is rather difficult to avoid such a thing when sharing a mind and body with others, but this is my attempt to express my feelings in as unobtrusive way as possible.

I did not enjoy what I did, but that does not absolve me of blame. A requirement for the others to heal is to maintain some sense of distance from me, in certain ways. Lain recently established some boundaries with me that I completely understand. It is somewhat isolating, and it is hard not to sink into a pit of regret and self-hatred, but the others are not ignoring me or treating me like some kind of villain. They are just trying to find a way to move past things, as am I.

Perhaps things will be different in the future, but right now it is necessary, and I understand that. But it is hard, and I feel the weight of my mistakes very heavily. We have collectively had to cut ties with the body's family for the sake of healing, and I wonder if the others would do the same with me if we did not share a mind and body. But it is rather silly to think about such a thing, since it is impossible.

My responsibility now is to take care of this body and to maintain a healthy connection with the others, supporting them when possible if it is wanted or needed. I am perhaps being a little too hard on myself, since I know - logically - that I too need to heal and have my own traumas to deal with, but I feel as if right now it is more important to establish this new "role" for myself before attempting to process such things.

I do not know if any of this rambling is of any benefit to myself, or if anyone else would find it helpful to read, but it is an attempt to get things off my chest nonetheless.

- Charles

I started out as a Protector and I was a complete hardass about it. But I was just doing my job the best I could. Working with our T, I changed and now I'm not so extreme. This made me a feel really alone for a while. It got better.

I think you could be a terrific leader with some help. I'd suggest you find something you can help with so the others can think about you differently.

Colin

Hey, Charles. There's also a protectors thread around here somewhere.

Found it:

dissociative-identity/topic170737.html?hilit=for%20the%20protectors

It's good for venting and also for getting advice from other protectors.

I personally didn't treat others in here badly, although I'm not as f*cking "polite" as they would like me to be. I usually put myself in the line of fire when stuff happens, and also help by not giving a f*ck about what outside people think.

We have another protector who's verbally abusive, and although we mostly don't believe what they say anymore, they haven't been interested in shifting to another job yet. I'm not exactly sure how the other punishments come about, like self-harm or restricting eating--I think it's more someone doing that to themselves and not caring how it affects the others.

Anyway, if you did what you needed to do in the past, those weren't "mistakes" or things to blame yourself for--sounds like you did what needed to be done, did the best job you could with it, and brought everyone through. Changing now doesn't mean you were wrong for doing what you did; it just means that it isn't needed now and you're adapting to have a new role.

You guys have a T, right? Maybe they can help you with this.

NoName

I always get nervous when I read the word 'blame'. we read a lot of science about shame recently and blame is one of those concepts that hinder reconciliation or even becoming someone new.
try to think of it as your responsibility to clean up the relational mess you made. there is nobody on our team who didn't harm the system one way or another. Most of it rather extreme. it is possible to ask for forgiveness and do better.
"people only change when they are free to change". If your system wants you to stay in that old role because they want to hang on to their blame it's gonna be damn hard to become someone else.

IainEtc wrote:I started out as a Protector and I was a complete hardass about it. But I was just doing my job the best I could. Working with our T, I changed and now I'm not so extreme. This made me a feel really alone for a while. It got better.

I think you could be a terrific leader with some help. I'd suggest you find something you can help with so the others can think about you differently.

Colin

Hello Colin,

I appreciate the kind words, thank you. I am the oldest, both in age and with regards to how long I have existed within the system, but I am unsure if leadership would be something the others would want me to take up. Currently I help by cleaning and cooking, as these are things I enjoy and it helps the others as they cover other tasks or responsibilities. I will see how things go in the future, in terms of my role changing further.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Hey, Charles. There's also a protectors thread around here somewhere.

Found it:

dissociative-identity/topic170737.html?hilit=for%20the%20protectors

It's good for venting and also for getting advice from other protectors.

I personally didn't treat others in here badly, although I'm not as f*cking "polite" as they would like me to be. I usually put myself in the line of fire when stuff happens, and also help by not giving a f*ck about what outside people think.

We have another protector who's verbally abusive, and although we mostly don't believe what they say anymore, they haven't been interested in shifting to another job yet. I'm not exactly sure how the other punishments come about, like self-harm or restricting eating--I think it's more someone doing that to themselves and not caring how it affects the others.

Anyway, if you did what you needed to do in the past, those weren't "mistakes" or things to blame yourself for--sounds like you did what needed to be done, did the best job you could with it, and brought everyone through. Changing now doesn't mean you were wrong for doing what you did; it just means that it isn't needed now and you're adapting to have a new role.

You guys have a T, right? Maybe they can help you with this.

NoName

Hello NoName,

Thank you for the response and the hyperlink. We don't really use terms like "protector" or "gatekeeper" and suchlike but I suppose that is the role I am filing and have always filled. I will take a look at this thread when I have the time.

I don't wish to speak of it in any depth, but what I did was very serious, and happened for a long time. I cannot call it a mistake, because it was a conscious and repeated choice. It was necessary; that is the feeling that motivated all of my actions. But I caused an extreme amount of harm to the others. I added to the outside abuse we suffered, and I continued that abuse internally once we left the home of our childhood.

I do not wish to become like the people who hurt us, who justified their actions in one way or another. I did not do those things out of malice, and I wish to leave all of it in the past and become a different person, play a different role, but I was and still am responsible for my actions. That is the feeling I currently have within me. I hope that makes sense. I appreciate your kindness nonetheless.

Yes, we have a therapist. I had a discussion with her just the other day, actually. It was my first time speaking with her, and although I am reserving full judgement of her and have yet to make up my mind on a few things, she treated me with respect and seemed understanding.

birdsong87 wrote:I always get nervous when I read the word 'blame'. we read a lot of science about shame recently and blame is one of those concepts that hinder reconciliation or even becoming someone new.
try to think of it as your responsibility to clean up the relational mess you made. there is nobody on our team who didn't harm the system one way or another. Most of it rather extreme. it is possible to ask for forgiveness and do better.
"people only change when they are free to change". If your system wants you to stay in that old role because they want to hang on to their blame it's gonna be damn hard to become someone else.

Hello,

I can understand what you mean. I have taken it as my responsibility to make up for the past, and right now I am doing that by cleaning and cooking meals as that is helping us collectively. We are all sharing tasks and trying to work together, so I am doing my part in that.

The others vary in opinion when it comes to blame. Some resent me more than others. But no-one has attempted to sabotage my attempts to change. We made a decision that we had to put the physical work in first to manage things, sharing tasks and responsibilities, and air our grievances once we have settled into a rhythm of working together. That decision was made in the hope that when these extremely emotional and delicate topics are raised that we do not fall apart. Some of the others hold a lot of anger, but they do not direct it at me, and I don't feel I am being treated unreasonably. They let me speak freely, and I am able to have time to myself when I clean and cook. Those that have issues with me leave me alone for the most part and are trying to process their own feelings by maintaining a sense of distance with me, which I can respect.

I do not feel so blamed that I don't feel as if I can change. I do question whether I am able to change, and I also question whether I am the same man who did those awful things from the past, but regardless of that I must do my part in helping keep the body healthy and safe, and in my own time I will try and process my feelings. I hope that makes sense.

- Charles