Host is freaking about 'perfect' Christmas

Hi,

So Host is stressing out. He decided he has to make the PERFECT Christmas for us to make up for all the sh*tty Christmases we had. He's got like decorations all over the house. He's buying weird cookies and cake stuff. He's planning a big dinner with presents.

But it's just making the kids scared - and me too kind of. I wish Host would just like relax and not stress about it. He doesn't have to make a perfect one. We're safe now and together (mostly) and that's really really good. When he tries to be like perfect parent with perfect Christmas it's just weird. It makes us nervous. Then we don't want to do Christmas. Then Host gets down.

Kind of messed up.

Iain

the "perfect" christmas thing is troubling us too.
it is so outside-oriented. what other people, society, the media, considers a good christmas. but thats a trap. thats just to make people running, make them feel guilty and ashamed about not doing enough. it introduces a mindset of scarcity, never did enough, never bought enough, never are enough...
all in the eyes of strangers. all measured against a fantasy that cannot ever become real when choosing this path.

we try to do inside-oriented. reduced decorations. selected sweets. time to rest together.
stories. tea. a blanket. looking at our actual needs and not what media says we should need. can be hard to tell apart...
I bet if you ask host for his real need for christmas he would say 'sleep'. putting so much pressure on yourself is exhausting.
and in truth it is not so difficult to make a christmas better than they used to be...

Thanks birdsong. I kind of needed some advice.

Iain

try communicating needs. the last thing anyone needs is to add stress to an already traumatized system/body. maybe you can involve host in so much stuff you actually want (like a nap!) that he forgets about weird ideals.
"we need you not to be stressed. whatever it takes." can be powerful. directing energy toward something helpful in exchange for busyness might also work.

we are preparing for christmas and we currently check every single thing that is a tradition and discuss if we want that or not.
we decided against lights and for candles. against glitter and for natural items. against christmas food and for tacos. against baking our own cookies and for trading with friends. against christmas markets and malls and for tea and stories.

Christmas is personally a stressful time for me. It helps me when I try to be less "Deck the Halls" and more "Silent Night" if that makes sense.

Maybe even letting host know that knowing you all are appreciated is already a lot. Maybe he doesn't have to stop with the planning, but it sounds like dialing it back would help you all.

As funny as it sounds, I have fond memories of the night when we were kicked out of the in-laws house before dinner on Christmas Eve. The bio-kids were hungry, wife was emotionally hurt, I was trying to keep everyone's spirits up, but getting in the car the best I could offer was getting some gas station food before traveling home as I figured nothing else was open. We did find a Tex-Mex restaurant that was open, and the food was mediocre, but we were together as a family, and the togetherness is where the fond memories come from. I guess my point is it doesn't have to be perfect to be good.

Wow. Thanks SOHank. That's a cool story.
We just want to be safe and together too.

And maybe presents.

Iain

Maybe host want to make perfect to make happy memories. If to make happy memories is good thing but is bad way because making stress. Maybe make next year happy and rush less and not have 2 weeks for planning and making or have different day for happy memories.

Bestest memory for us is when we was poorly and couldn't go to Xmas market with Ozalces and he bought us first owl. Is owl whistle we love bestest gift ever. Because owl was damaged and poorly like us. When we said to Ozalces he no understand and think we want "perfect" one was very sorry and wanted to take away and get "perfect" one. But one like us was best we say no we want this one is bestest, is like us. Also know when he went to do fun thing he think about us and want to bring us fun home.

Bestest and happiest and perfect all different words mean different things tell host this is so.

Big ZuZu

our perfect Christmas is.....

no family
wear pajamas
drink coffee and open presents
clean up after presents
cook breakfast
stay home all day and don't talk to anybody
have sweet potatoes for dinner

perfect means different things to different people.

my idea of perfect is not a lot of stress and not a lot of work.

but we do like the tree. and we play with our real life kid.

Our preferred activity is taking some quiet time for ourselves, no obligations. Just relaxing. We like to watch animal shows on TV. We like to come here. We like to read and do puzzles.

Iain, we hope that you and Host and the others have a relaxing holiday.

MDs

This year we are all working towards our best Christmas yet. Christmas time can be overwhelming as it is, minus the need to have a perfect Christmas. I totally understand wanting to have a good Christmas experience but maybe someone should talk to the host before people get sad. Just try and say what you guys want!

J