Self-conscious about switching to younger part

So I've never met anyone with DID (that I'm aware of) in real life. Certainly never seen anyone switch from an adult to a child part.

The other day I saw this documentary on Netflix called The Woman with 7 Personalities. I'm not necessarily recommending this or anything; it's not bad, but it's not particularly good or earth-shattering either. Just kind of a glimpse into someone's life with DID. And there's also the dumb "here's one 'expert' we found who says it is therapist-created because no one ever forgets traumatic events." Which is just total bs and not borne out by research. So I was irritated with that. Plus a mention of SRA and a few tidbits about that but no real info about it. I dunno. I didn't like that part of the documentary. BUT, here's what tripped me out about it.

I've never realized that we sound or look really different, or move really differently when a child part is at the front. Like, I heard their voices in my head and they sound like little kid voices, and I can tell them apart, but somehow I guess I didn't follow through with the logic that says that's how the body would sound if they talk. When I saw this woman as her 8-year old alter talking in a little kid voice and behaving in a typically kid way, I got flooded with shame. Like, could feel my face heat up. I recently saw a selfie my 5-year-old took with the phone, holding her tickle-me-elmo. And she did look totally different than me, just in the eyes and stuff. That was weird enough, so when I thought that my therapist and doctor and even a few random employees at the hospital have interacted with her, and other littles....I just wanted to die. Like....earth swallow me up.

I know this is an extreme reaction, but I suddenly saw it from other people's point of view. And that combined with the so-called expert just made me feel like - does it look like I'm faking this? Does it look completely ridiculous to see a grown-up body with little kid voice and actions?

I'm not sure I'm explaining well. Like I am co-conscious some of the time with littles and I guess I was somewhat aware when this 5-year-old little of mine was talking to other adults, but I think I thought the "littleness" was only obvious to me on the inside. And that even though on the inside I felt/heard her small voice, and felt the body's sense of uncoordination and larger movements I think I still thought it was a perception thing - and not something visible to others. Does that make sense?

Has anyone else had a realization like this or dealt with shame about how they are viewed when others or littles are at the front?

At my therapist's urging, I would switch to a younger part in therapy but I never desired or allowed it outside of the T's office. I felt silly doing it just in the T's office so I can understand your discomfort.

I can be super playful at times so maybe any younger part of me gets to express itself then.

https://youtu.be/A0kLjsY4JlU
I had the exact same response with this video. Mind blowing. And I know I look very much like this. It doesn't happen too much that we switch to a little though. Just around my husband. But a few times it happened accidentally, around random people.
I will never understand though, how someone can switch so voluntarily.

We did some video journaling way back in the start of the year... I forget when but it was a long time back. Got me, Rebecca, and older Violet on separate videos. We didn't get any littles, they weren't brave enough at that time. But just with the three of us it was amazing to see how much difference in us all.

We do have a selfie Melissa took last month I think, she was posing with a little plushie, and it does look quite different, her eyes and expression. I don't know how she talks, but I don't think she sounds obviously childish? She met our best friend once and our friend knew it wasn't me but didn't guess it was a child part till Melissa said who she was. OTOH she has told me she's been around a long time and has learned to pretend to be a grownup when she has to, to keep hidden.

Anyways, I totally get what you're saying about being self-consious. Older Violet was positively phobic of having a little come out in public and people would see 'her' acting like a little kid.

I know Sunflower was very embarrassed the first time I told her Lou sat on my lap while I read Dr. Suess. However, she felt much better about it after AJ told her how happy that made Lou. (This was before they had any direct connection.)

Emma (9y/o) is decent at pretending to be an adult, but tends to happy-dance. I can tell and she likes it when I see it is her. I have a certain hand wave I use in case it's in public or in front of the kids. Lou (4y/o) rarely comes out unless I'm around. AJ kind of sees to that.

There is definitely distinct difference between SF and Lou. Voice, actions, etc. Lou put something in the freezer once, which the body can easily reach, but she pushed a chair over to stand on.

My daughter (13 at the time) told me once I was a boy trapped in a man's body.

I had not been diagnosed DID at that point. But clearly, they were present.

I have felt like a child so many times in situations. I am sure a younger alter was present and the people around me were like, "WTF?"

Probably why I have very few adult friends. People just don't seem to like us.

I did get a little embarrassed when my 5-year old showed up in therapy. We curled up on the couch and when she asked how old we were. He put out his hand showing he was five.

It was a co-conscious kind of thing. It was all I could do to stop him from sucking his thumb.

it's a small comfort, but you are not alone. the adults in our system get super embarressed when kids our out and someone sees us. Because yes, it somewhat looks like the creepy DID videos we've seen online and it scares us. especially because we keep such a good mask most of the time. and also because we think this looks foolish. and also because we want to protect that vulnerability and shame does help with just that, that is what it was designed for, to warn us of social vulnerability so we will hide what could get us in trouble with other people or get us hurt. so in a way, feeling ashamed is healthy. it is just not comfortable and doesn't solve anything...
we had our T describe to us what it looked like when H was front and he did it in a way that sounded like it was all very natural to him and his accpetance and calm helped not to feel so ashamed.
we are always very careful who is allowed to see littles. if they can't offer this kind of acceptance there is no way we woud let a little out to be noticed