by Mosaic Butterflies » Wed Nov 28, 2018 3:32 am
Thank you everyone for your replies. It really makes me feel better to know that I'm not alone in my experiences. And you're right BeccaBee, I can change jobs if I so choose to... but I'm not sure if I want to change how things are? There is comfort in envisioning myself as robotic for some reason. It's like, without me being that way, then there's no way for my other parts to come out and experience the world, and for one reason or another, that makes me feel worse. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm trying to shoot down your idea. I just think that maybe I'm not ready to make such a monumental shift just yet.
My appointment to see my psychiatrist is on Thursday. I'm hoping that then I'll be able to make the shift to some medication(s) that will stabilize my mood and keep me from being tired all the time without taking away my ability to talk to my other alters. Again, I want to heal from my trauma, and the only way I can do that is if I can access my alters.
...Maybe this is a stupid idea. I mean, on this medication that I'm on now, I'm fused together with everyone else for the most part. Sure, it's forcefully done, but it makes me more functional! If I take away what's gluing us all together and keeping my parts from speaking, I wonder what will happen? Will I still be able to achieve my dreams? Will I go back to being pessimistic/depressed all the time? If I'm on a mood stabilizer, maybe that won't happen, but... still, I wonder what might happen to us.
If I have to go back onto the medication that I'm on now, then I'll do so. But for now, I want to see what will happen on different medication(s)... I just hope that everything will be okay in the end and that my alters and I will be able to talk together again. And maybe one day we will be able to fuse together again, but if we do, I want to do it on our own terms in a natural sort of way (meaning without the usage of medication).
Dx: PTSD, Bipolar, OSDD-1b, Body Dysmorphia