SO Hostility

SOHank wrote:Sorry to hear that Pixie. That sucks!!!

I know that is something SF and I have talked about, the “demons” thing. I’ve told her how glad we are living when we are as even just 100 years ago there would have been an “excorcism” which would just make her system either angry or go into hiding. I feel bad as this must have happened to countless people over the years.

I’ll second ItsJustUs & others above in terms of solutions. Have nothing else to add that would be a true solution.

Short term work arounds could be having someone else front that can blend/hide better when Zor is gone AND she is there. Or if you are out and she is there, maybe remove yourself, go for a hike or something. I hate to even say the previous sentences as it is not a solution, but an extreme attempt at “coexistence” with the SO. A workaround to buy time is all it is.

I fully understand if you don’t do it. Zor and the SO are important, but so are you! If our situations were reversed, I probably would temporarily, but not for long.

Sometimes there are no answers and all the options suck. Wish I could say something better.

I wanted to like write you separate at the end here (the last one I totally missed on accident and had to add back in)...

So the short work-arounds... I've TRIED avoiding her- doing like chores and sitting in the computer room and stuff. THIS irritates her and makes her mad cuz it's "hiding" and "avoiding" her.
But like being NEAR her and around her and NOT saying much if anything bothers her... and so does trying to talk to/with her... so does telling her it's me and NOT telling her it's me... I mean like for real... IDK what else to do!

Like I said before, Zor got the notebook thingy for me to write to her specifically and personally... so I can communicate and she can see what I'm thinking but like NOT EVERYTHING like I write in our private one... just Zor and us... but like she never reads it, has NEVER written in it, and says she won't cuz "it's not my style" and she doesn't wanna communicate with us cuz she doesn't know us, and cuz she just wants us gone.

That whole "it's spiritual" and the "demon" comment, or even the "if there's underlying sin you can't be healed" comments (with looking at US as if implying WE are the problem) crap is irritating but I remind myself it's ppl that don't know what's going on and are like scared and confused and reaching for straws to pull at SOMETHING to explain it to themselves... rather than like talk to us to figure it out... of course it doesn't help we're trying to piece together the story of our life, a more full picture, ourselves... We don't entirely KNOW what happened... I have pieces, Angel has some, etc. So... it's just a mess.

And I get she's scared, confused, mad, and hurt... but IDK what to do to like try and work on it with her, for her... for all of us... internally and externally.

I'm really really scared the way she's being, even NOW like 6-8 months later... that she's gonna push so hard it's gonna come to a "all of us hide and try and cope" or she's gonna be all "get the hell out of my life, and never come back" to Zor... THAT will crush him. And IDK how to like prevent that, to fix this... cuz we DON'T wanna go back to hiding from her, she's supposed to care and love him (therefore US to some degree- or at least willing to accept and have patience to work with us).

{\Pixie/}

Zor wrote:

NyxX wrote:She should have moved past shock and moved onto how to deal with the situation as it is now. That she isn't shows she is being intolerant. I think she is just pissed that there is something in Zor's life she isn't in control over. Because Zor doesn't even have enough independence to be able to go and buy a notebook on his own for a condition that causes a handful of blackouts a year. She will have felt like she knows everything about Zor's life because he can't have one without her and now suddenly that's wrong there is alot she knows nothing about and she can't or won't accept it. And I'm sorry your in this situation Pixie because no matter what you do or don't do Zor will end up being hurt because of the way she is being and because he loves her.

I feel that way, too. For real, the "ohmygosh how did I NEVER see this in 16 years" shock SHOULD be over, and like the skeptical "this can't be for real" thing should be passing, too. NOTHING about this is like easy or comfortable for Zor or us... so like WHY would she even wanna entertain the idea it's NOT real?! Uh, hello- this TOTALLY SUCKS FOR ALL OF US!

And yeah, she's like totally a Type A person... controls situations and emotional things- kinda part of her daily job as a cop, too... but like for real, she is THE ONE to drive, even before the blackouts she HATED not driving herself... she likes to make plans, control things, and like often lets her like wants steamroll other stuff- like Hanukkah starts this coming Sunday... knowing it's this week and it's become important to Zor the last few years, she totally tells her parents they can go out of town a few days that week, during the festival, and like is snippy about him saying something about bringing their stuff to do the candles at the evening... ??? TWO OF US are Jewish by ethnicity inside, and they are deeply religious and this is a super special time of year for us, and Zor believing similarly and seeing the value and meaning of it and wanting to celebrate SHOULD BE a time of joy and UNITY for us, esp those parts (Kaleb (and Kitten by marriage) and Katya - and a few of us believe similarly and celebrate it). So this SHOULD BE a good time to feel connected to each other and closer... and this "don't let my parents see it, and we're going out of town WITH THEM, so don't do it" stuff... IDK she's even THOUGHT about Zor's thoughts on it, much less US (I KNOW she hasn't thought about US - and won't even care to).

As for "whatever you do" being like wrong- I feel SOOOOO stuck and like trapped that way... IDK what to do. :'( EVERYTHING I could do is "wrong" and makes her mad, makes her say mean stuff to him/us about us... and like we're connected so it's about ALL OF US even if like specific to one of us. Being mean about ME is being mean to/about Zor, too... cuz we're like connected, part of each other. IDK how she can't see that or understand that... why she won't.

{\Pixie/}

I think the situation sounds abusive I've included a link that lists examples of coercive control. They way she is controlling is not the behaviour of someone who loves and cares for Zor and wants what's best for him.

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/reports ... e-control/

NyxX wrote:I think the situation sounds abusive I've included a link that lists examples of coercive control. They way she is controlling is not the behaviour of someone who loves and cares for Zor and wants what's best for him.

https://www.cosmopolitan.com/uk/reports ... e-control/

I will check that link out, thanks...

As for controlling... IDK if it's just who she is or kinda what HE always tended towards cuz of like... our past. But part of me is almost concerned that you might be like right.

{\Pixie/}

Hey Pixie, this all sounds like it really, really, really sucks.

Do y'all have like a plan b or something, incase things really go wrong?

I'm sorry for you all Pixie. Hosts sometimes make relationship choices that they wouldn't make if they were in communication with others in the system. The host very much wants to make things work not only because they love the person, but because that is a part of their fixation to avoid trauma. They may not be very aware of their own needs or know when they are being mistreated. But as multiples work on our own healing, we find that our outside relationships may need to change too. Be prepared.

Wow Pixie. I'm so sorry.

The talk about demon possession kind of freaked me out a little because we have a history of having exorcisms and a lot of our switching (as well as a tic we have when under stress) was thought to be evidence of demonic possession for a long time in the faith tradition we were raised in. So a lot of scary things happened that hurt a lot of us inside. We even had a therapist who terminated with us because she felt that our demons were attaching to her after our sessions, and she claimed she had to get deliverance after seeing us. That was really damaging. I suspect many past incidences of people assuming demon possession were in reality DID. Sorry if I went off-topic, just wanted to offer that since I have had lots of experience with this particular bit of what the SO/Zor said.

VioletFlux wrote:Hey Pixie, this all sounds like it really, really, really sucks.

Do y'all have like a plan b or something, incase things really go wrong?

You mean like in case their relationship falls apart entirely? Yeah, no... and like cuz of the physical blackouts and not being able to drive and get to and from, and that his family is halfway across the country (and kinda not on good terms now cuz of asking about abuse in childhood) where Zor's NEVER wanted to live (if anything I could see him trying to find a way to move back to Alaska FAR FAR away from his wife, her family, and pretty much everyone he knows now).

But no, no real "plan b" right now. We don't have that kinda support network and like option available to us here... The big thing about going somewhere else would be, IMHO, the T. I know the VA has ppl like everywhere, including Alaska... but finding one that's accepting of this diagnosis and willing to like learn and work with it is not always easy... but no, no plan B.

{\Pixie/}

-- Mon Nov 26, 2018 9:08 pm --

Menagerie wrote:Wow Pixie. I'm so sorry.

The talk about demon possession kind of freaked me out a little because we have a history of having exorcisms and a lot of our switching (as well as a tic we have when under stress) was thought to be evidence of demonic possession for a long time in the faith tradition we were raised in. So a lot of scary things happened that hurt a lot of us inside. We even had a therapist who terminated with us because she felt that our demons were attaching to her after our sessions, and she claimed she had to get deliverance after seeing us. That was really damaging. I suspect many past incidences of people assuming demon possession were in reality DID. Sorry if I went off-topic, just wanted to offer that since I have had lots of experience with this particular bit of what the SO/Zor said.

Fortunately for us, no one has like actually TRIED that or like made THAT leap- other than his wife's comment... but like the other friends seem to more think it's a "lack of healing" cuz of "sin inside" or something... not quite "demonic"... but it's still troublesome and generally a "I have no idea what is going on, so.... maybe it's this..." kinda thought.

I will say this though... someone tries to hold us down and do something like an "exorcism" kinda deal on us... I WILL come unhinged and they will NOT be happy!

{\Pixie/}

Hi Pixie,

I'm very sorry to hear wat you are going through!
(sorry we don't write here often...u might not recognize us)

we as a system had a lot of issues (as many others here I guess) reliving past abuse or abusive behaviour with our (past-)SOs because we didn't even recognize the signs of abusive behaviour.

When I realized this I made an effort to learn the technicalities of how people conciously and subconciously use abusive behaviour in relationships (and even before to get somebody attached to them).
because I really had a blind spot there I looked up things like "7 (or whatever) signs you are in an abusive relationships" or "techniques narcissists and other abusive people use in relationships" and so on...it was a bit of quest for me...

long story short: what I found bothersome in your post was the following and I am worrying for you guys (cuz it seems like you and Zor want to continue to put her needs and everything before yours or are contemplating it)

So the short work-arounds... I've TRIED avoiding her- doing like chores and sitting in the computer room and stuff. THIS irritates her and makes her mad cuz it's "hiding" and "avoiding" her.
But like being NEAR her and around her and NOT saying much if anything bothers her... and so does trying to talk to/with her... so does telling her it's me and NOT telling her it's me... I mean like for real... IDK what else to do!

what I read here is the typical "you have to walk on eggshells to not make them upset" and "you basically can't do anything right to prevent them being abusive/cold/rejective" - a minefield you and Zor have to constantly walk in.
so I concur with NyxX on this one...for me it sounds abusive what Zor's wife does. I hope you and Zor find a way to figure this out...just know you don't deserve to be treated this way - DID or not, nobody does!

Zor's wife might have her own issues why she needs to be abusive in relationships (like abandonment issues herself, abusive past herself and what not...) - but then she has to work on them herself and it is not Zor's or your obligation to put up with such behaviour if she doesn't want to change and doesn't even see a problem in it and how it is further damaging to you and Zor and your whole system.

sorry if I hijacked this or if it was unhelpful...I might just project our experiences on yours...so sorry if I crossed something here!
kat(12)

SolanaceousClub wrote:Hi Pixie,

I'm very sorry to hear wat you are going through!
(sorry we don't write here often...u might not recognize us)

we as a system had a lot of issues (as many others here I guess) reliving past abuse or abusive behaviour with our (past-)SOs because we didn't even recognize the signs of abusive behaviour.

When I realized this I made an effort to learn the technicalities of how people conciously and subconciously use abusive behaviour in relationships (and even before to get somebody attached to them).
because I really had a blind spot there I looked up things like "7 (or whatever) signs you are in an abusive relationships" or "techniques narcissists and other abusive people use in relationships" and so on...it was a bit of quest for me...

long story short: what I found bothersome in your post was the following and I am worrying for you guys (cuz it seems like you and Zor want to continue to put her needs and everything before yours or are contemplating it)

So the short work-arounds... I've TRIED avoiding her- doing like chores and sitting in the computer room and stuff. THIS irritates her and makes her mad cuz it's "hiding" and "avoiding" her.
But like being NEAR her and around her and NOT saying much if anything bothers her... and so does trying to talk to/with her... so does telling her it's me and NOT telling her it's me... I mean like for real... IDK what else to do!

what I read here is the typical "you have to walk on eggshells to not make them upset" and "you basically can't do anything right to prevent them being abusive/cold/rejective" - a minefield you and Zor have to constantly walk in.
so I concur with NyxX on this one...for me it sounds abusive what Zor's wife does. I hope you and Zor find a way to figure this out...just know you don't deserve to be treated this way - DID or not, nobody does!

Zor's wife might have her own issues why she needs to be abusive in relationships (like abandonment issues herself, abusive past herself and what not...) - but then she has to work on them herself and it is not Zor's or your obligation to put up with such behaviour if she doesn't want to change and doesn't even see a problem in it and how it is further damaging to you and Zor and your whole system.

sorry if I hijacked this or if it was unhelpful...I might just project our experiences on yours...so sorry if I crossed something here!
kat(12)

Not hijacking at all... thanks for the input.

So like his wife talked to him yesterday- basically saying she is scared this, us, will alienate ppl and scare ppl away... cuz ppl that have seen this have been uncomfortable with us being out and all... so basically she wants us to like pretend to be Zor when we're out if others are around (so not thrilled about it), but is a LITTLE more willing to "put up with it" if it's just her- us being like US.

I get it, we're like "new" to her... she had no idea we existed until April (same with Zor to be fair). So I get it, super hard to like come to terms with... But IDK... this entire thing is super hard and sucks...

As for Zor's wife, her "issues"... it's her personality and her job. Control and "stability" are like paramount, so it's reinforced by her work (a cop)... especially in stressful situations... which she HATES at home- it should be a refuge and drama and stress at home is even more of an irritation and angers her more... so it's a mess all around. IDK any of it is truly malicious, but it comes out harsh cuz of her personality to an extent.

I think there's HOPE for things to get better... but it's gonna be a hard time to get there. :/


{\Pixie/}

So, some communication happened, and that's good.

We get what she means about the alienating people. People get weird when faced with something hey perceive as irregular or unusual. Honestly, we're still at at point where my others pretned to me when it's not just my husband and I. Even though HE knows it's not "me." They can fake it well enough for other people, but never him.

But.. she was willing to talk about it. That's a new thing, right?

K