advice on boundaries

BeccaBee wrote:I think the biggest epiphany for me is what a boundary actually is. it is the line between what is ok and what is not ok. I really need to spend some time with this. because I'm honestly not sure where those things are.

Boundaries plural. Not one line, but as many as you like. Most people have not done that work for themselves, which makes the work all the more important for those who are doing it. Case in point:

BeccaBee wrote:his neighbor called me last night. he had asked her for a ride to a medical appointment. maybe she thought I would take him. I told her I was unable to miss anymore time at work. which is absolutely true. and that I was really looking at my boundaries after 20 years of estrangement and suggested she did the same. (establish boundaries)

Think about where you want to locate your boundary with this neighbor. "Okay, so my dad asked you for a ride. Why are you calling me?" ... "Well, that's between you and him. If you want to give him a ride, or not, that is up to you. And in any event it is also entirely up to you to let him know directly, in whatever way works for you." See, you can talk to this neighbor without sharing any information about yourself, or you can share, as you like. But it is your choice not an obligation. Your boundary can include not explaining to a neighbor why you are not driving dad to his appointment.

What is going on here is triangulation. Triangulation by this neighbor, involving you instead of dealing with his request directly. Possibly also triangulation by him, in the way he involved this neighbor. Look up Karpman drama triangle.

Oh, BeccaBee, call me naive (or something else) but I don't get why you see no involvement -- which would be cutting all ties at this point -- as despicable? If no one here would blame you at all if you chose your own mental health over this wicked person's convenience, where is the sense of obligation coming from?

I cut ties with my mother for over 20 years because I realized she was damaging, toxic to me and I never regretted doing that. I did reach out to her before she died but only while holding on to the caveat that I owed her nothing. I reached out for closure for me and for a sister, not her.

I don't hear any good coming from helping him, whether he lives or dies. I wouldn't blame you for just calling him to tell him you're no longer available for contact, then hang up. If it's not obvious, I recommend doing that. No matter what you decide to do, you're not despicable or anything close.

You must not sacrifice your health or well-being for your parent. In nature it's the other way around. A good parent would have taught you that, by example a thousand times. He is his own problem, not yours.

I guess it's some honor thy father #######4.
that he is unwell.
I live in the south and it's the bible belt which has permeated our culture.

I am realizing that he has to go. no more. it's just hard for whatever reason. I wish he had died first. idk. but I'm relieved to realize I loathe him and what he did.

life is strange.

thank you for responding.

What makes someone a father? A sperm donor is not a father but a man that adopts a child is, so if its not a question of biology it must be about action and behaviour. A parent has a duty and a responsibility towards a there children, a duty to care for, to protect, to provide, to prepare them for adulthood. A parent should never be who a child needs protection from and by acting in such a way does the parent not invalidate there position as parent?

It is this logic that allows us to be so callus towards our abuser because at no point in our life did he treat us as his daughter, so we are not and we own him no loyalty.

Our logic was twisted alot while growing up so that we would believe everything that happened to us was our fault and so now we are safe we twisted our thinking again to ensure we stay safe. I'm not always sure we think in a good way but it is better then when we felt guilty for the abuse we suffered from and because we ruined our abusers life.

BeccaBee wrote:I guess it's some honor thy father #######4.
that he is unwell.
I live in the south and it's the bible belt which has permeated our culture.

I am realizing that he has to go. no more. it's just hard for whatever reason. I wish he had died first. idk. but I'm relieved to realize I loathe him and what he did.

life is strange.

thank you for responding.

so like our host lives in teh south, so I guess we do (though we tend to ID with our inner world home in alaska more)... and we're all DEEPLY spiritual and religious... There's a MASSIVE difference in "honoring" your parents and not setting up required and necessary boundaries between you and them. Even in HEALTHY relationships with parents they MUST BE healthy boundaries that are NOT crossed or even "challenged" by them. They MUST respect YOU, too.

Sometimes, to properly "honor" them- especially if they are destructive to your well-being, the ONLY way to do that is to remove them from your life. Better that than allowing damage, hurt, and dishonoring resentment or hatred to be created and set in.

Don't let the concept of honoring them get in the way of self-preservation. As our (Messianic) Jewish parts will tell you, the primary concern of Torah is ALWAYS preservation of life (and your health/well-being) when there's a conflict in instruction/commandments. In other words, if doing a commandment means putting one's well-being in true peril, a life in danger, it is MORE IMPORTANT to protect the life.

As it says, we are to "LIVE by the Word"... LIVE being paramount- hence the struggle and resistance of the judges to sentence people to death very often (the sages actually say like a sanhedrin that commits one to death in 7 years is "destructive to the people" (others say one in 70 years).
{\Pixie/}

tell you true.....

I realized it's effecting my mental health which impacts my ability to be a parent and taking care of my kid trumps all.

so he has to get gone. zero ###$ given.

BeccaBee wrote:...taking care of my kid trumps all.

We hear you and couldn't agree more. We have little sympathy for those who don't try their best to live by that rule (a law of nature, really) and none for those who do the opposite.

Johnny-Jack wrote:

BeccaBee wrote:...taking care of my kid trumps all.

We hear you and couldn't agree more. We have little sympathy for those who don't try their best to live by that rule (a law of nature, really) and none for those who do the opposite.

ABSOLUTELY!

{\Pixie/}

about guilt and parents...
guilt usually comes up when our actions don't align with our values.
sometimes we are not sure about our values and so we stick to something that society or the peer group around us values or what we have been taught. It creates something like a facade of values that makes us fit in, but because we don't really own it they can leave us confused when there is a test.
for some people it fits to value their relationship to their parents.
for others it fits to value solid boundaries.
one can even value both, but one over the other.
when it's a matter of feeling guilty and not knowing why it might help to look at the values behind the situation.

thank you this actually brings a lot of clarity to the situation.

I highly value compassion and forgiveness. kindness. mercy.

but above all else I am committed to ending the cycle of poverty and trauma in my bloodline. when I view it through that lens - yes I would like to be a better person, or tale the high ground or not have anything on my conscience. but there's no way in hell I am letting him contaminate my life or my daughter's life.

it's a safety situation. it's a quarantine.

I feel so much clearer on this than just a few days ago.

thank you all.