Help for my Girlfriend

I'm not being hostile I'm trying to be as direct and simple as possible because your just not getting the reality of the situation you are in. You should be afraid for yourself because you will not remain emotionally and mentally healthy if you continue trying to fix someone that does not want to be fixed. It does not matter how much you love them or how devoted you are or how much you learn it's irrelevant if they do not want help. The more you try the more overwhelmed you will become, the more overwhelmed you are the more your wellbeing will deteriorate and then it will be you who needs the help.

You can not be the reason she gets better it has to start inside not outside. Change and healing can only be successful when they want it to happen. We know how much it hurts when you want and need someone to change but you can not do the work for them and you never will be able to. You might be able to support someone if they are trying to change but you have said they have no intention of trying, so there is nothing you can do and trying will only hurt you and probably them as well.

NyxX wrote:I'm not being hostile I'm trying to be as direct and simple as possible because your just not getting the reality of the situation you are in. You should be afraid for yourself because you will not remain emotionally and mentally healthy if you continue trying to fix someone that does not want to be fixed. It does not matter how much you love them or how devoted you are or how much you learn it's irrelevant if they do not want help. The more you try the more overwhelmed you will become, the more overwhelmed you are the more your wellbeing will deteriorate and then it will be you who needs the help.

You can not be the reason she gets better it has to start inside not outside. Change and healing can only be successful when they want it to happen. We know how much it hurts when you want and need someone to change but you can not do the work for them and you never will be able to. You might be able to support someone if they are trying to change but you have said they have no intention of trying, so there is nothing you can do and trying will only hurt you and probably them as well.

Let me be more clear. She is afraid to see a professional. But she is verry receptive to me. One large reason she refuses to see a professional is that she is in a limited financial situation with no health insurance. Neither does she have family that can help in that matter. My main goal has been to encourage her to take a more active role in her mental health. Recently she has begun to come around and realize the situation she is in as she looses more and more memories. I apologize if I gave the impression that she refuses any and all assistance or advice in what she is going through. I know I have no power to force progress in her condition but she does listen to me and trusts me.

ArtMagus wrote:she also refuses to act in any way to help herself. Instead focusing on puting on a mask of cheerfulness and hoping it all will resolve itself

You can not help her as long as the above is true.

it is easy to reject what we say because we do not butter it up enough.

SO's do a better job of being nice to other SOs.

many many many many many people come with same story. how to help someone. but you can't. they can only help themselves. if they decide to help themselves you can support them.

also if protectors answer your post we usually are more blunt. it doesn't make us mean. just that we are direct and clear.

even with trigger warning don't use detailed imagery. trigger warning is more for like a subject. but no details like before. just be way more general. maybe you could read some other posts? there is a search bar you can use.

Dwelt - good, good point man. thanks.

you think we are being not nice but we are trying to be nice and help you by telling you truth. only it is what you don't want to hear. she needs competent treatment and professional diagnosis.

http://www.isst-d.org

go there.

And even if it changes you can't fumble your way through this there are to many ways you can cause harm even trained T's sometimes do more harm then good.

NyxX wrote:there are to many ways you can cause harm.

then protector end all relationship. then ex-SO come and ask how to get back...... sigh....

Hi, everyone. This is my first time posting, but I have been reading a lot of info here for a very long time.

So, I hope this is not too weird of a way to introduce myself -- jumping onto someone else's thread. But I found it today, read the entire thing, and I just found it really honest and eye-opening. As my name implies, I too am a non-D.I.D. person who has two very special D.I.D. women in my life. One is my mother, and the other is my ex-wife.

I also apologize for not posting on the SO&Fam board. I am aware it exists, and I have checked it out, but I have yet to find anyone currently around there who is specifically a non-D.I.D. SO&Fam. I have read your forum rules, and I do promise to abide by them. I hope you will allow me to post occasionally under those rules, but more often than not I will probably just be reading and soaking in threads like this one.

I want to applaud those of you who gave the OP of this thread such honest feedback. And thank you, because it is feedback I often need reminded of as "a loved one".

Without getting too "personal", as I fear that would be pushing the same rules I just agreed to, I will at least offer a generalized idea of my situations. After all, there might be another person like me out there, who also found this thread resonated with them.

My mother was diagnosed in the 1990's, when I was just a teenager. My ex was diagnosed last year. So, as you can imagine, two very different time periods in my life with two very different women. The one similarity (besides PTSD, which is where it began for both of them) was that, in both situations, my first reaction was to try and "rescue" them. To try and "fix" things for them. To try and "help" them. I have learned that, as a loved one, that is a very natural "first reaction" to have. When we "love" someone, we have a strong emotional pull to "help" them. But, in the end, this seemingly "natural" reaction only causes chaos and confusion for both people.

Someone here said: "You cannot push a rope." I'm sorry I cannot remember your name, but thank you for saying so simply what it took me a paragraph to agree with.

With my mother, things eventually evened out between us, probably mostly just due to space and time. Plus, it is easier for me to strictly enforce certain boundaries in our relationship now that we are older, and that helps keep us in our own roles: she as "parent", and me as "adult child who needs NO supervision".

With my ex, it did take a divorce and a six-month period of silence between us in order for me to finally understand what SO many of you said in this thread: I cannot "help" her. I can only help myself.

She has an experienced T who understands D.I.D., and she is doing the best she can with that. I am actually really proud of her (and when I say "her", I am referring to her entire "system"), because most of them were unaware of each other until just last year.

***Trigger Warning: defined roles . . .

The one who speaks to me now that we are talking again post-divorce says she is both the core and the former host, who merged into one. In this post, and any I might make in the future, I will just call her "M". Before the divorce, I was either dating or married to what M calls "the Body" for about 4 years. She is now able to tell me that, prior to our divorce, I had met several different ones, including herself (although, at that time, M was split into two, as I said). But now, for reasons that are unclear to me and probably to M too, I am only allowed to talk to M.

**/End Trigger Warning.

But all that is just "background" info.

My overall point to this long post (apologies, but . . . I have waited a long time to find my voice), is that everything so many of you said in response to this original post hit me so hard, and I just thank you from the bottom of my heart, because we "loved ones" do need a good dose of blunt honesty sometimes. And T's and our D.I.D. loved ones are often too emotionally involved themselves to give it to us quite in this way.

I hope sincerely, now that M (my ex) has decided to reach out to me again, that I can offer her a consistently brand new kind of "support", which involves absolutely no judgments, no expectations, and healthy boundaries to keep us from falling on old habits. That last one is more important for me than it likely is for her.

I have come to realize that "she" -- all her many "shes" -- must do this her own way, with absolutely NO input from me. In fact, I do not even give her input when she tries to ask me FOR input. I just politely remind her that I am not "one of those people" for her anymore. I will listen. I will walk with her while she works stuff out loud to me in her own head. But I do not offer "feedback", unless it is to just remind her that I AM listening, actively. I think that is all we can do as non-D.I.D. loved ones. Listen and walk beside you.

We are NOT your therapists. On behalf of any loved ones in your life who are attempting to BE your "therapist", I apologize. Love is messy. That's why y'all need boundaries just like we do. I am proud of any of you for sticking to yours, because I know it can be a battle with friends and family.

To end on a positive note: I do think there is one pro-active thing we as loved ones can do to make the lives of our D.I.D. persons a lot easier, and that is to focus on our own individual goals in our own independent lives. With both my mom and my ex, high-anxiety and D.I.D. are very linked. By always making sure my own needs and drives in life are taken care of, I give them both one less thing to be anxious about. In addition, being strongly independent in myself gives me the confidence I need to keep and rearrange boundaries with both of them. When we put ourselves first, it is a win/win for everyone involved.

We can walk beside you, but we also have to be willing to allow our paths to diverge, trusting you to take care of yourselves as you trust us to take care of ourselves. It is not a straight line. I had to learn that, and I hope I can help others learn that too. Put simply, as a loved one, you gotta "let go".

I thank you ALL again, both for what some of you have said in this thread and for allowing me to add my own thoughts. I hope I did well at following your rules. If I did not, I am very open to criticism.

I am also open to any feedback you all have to give to a loved one who sincerely wants to support you in a constructive and healthy way. I have learned to be "open" to many things, and none of them have failed to teach me something important yet. No matter what, I wish you ALL well, whether you are a person with D.I.D. or a loved one like me. Best regards.

I only read the posts of the SO others here. To the OP that system sounds similar to a subsystem of mine that is run by "the overlord" but he's also "Mr brightside" just to make himself more confusing - he's a duality, a child with "good and evil" and in his case mostly he likes to appear scary to scare people away which is why he was a silent subsystem for so long.

To the last SO who replied. I think you're 100% correct in what you're saying. Being boundaried, following your own goals and being self sufficient (so to speak) is the best thing.

My partner wanted to delve into my DID and it was awful for me and him. In some ways it helped, it forced more communication but in other ways it's made it alot worse because I was happily living with myself. Trying to incorporate another person, especially an outside person, has been really hard work and it's still really difficult now even though he knows parts and he understands bit more. I think you're approach with this is the best approach. If you don't look after yourself you can't look after anyone else. I follow that even though I have parts.

Getting over-involved in another person's issues is a common problem. Not unique to significant others of persons living with DID. There are lots of 12-step and other peer support groups that teach "I do me, you do you".

To ALovedOne: It stands to reason that you would choose a partner who has DID, having grown up with a parent who has DID. You perhaps thought you were carefully selecting a partner who did not have the same problem as your mother, but there is still that unconscious "feels like family" thing we all do, and it is very powerful. It is hardwired into all animals that copulate.

we have SOs here. one of my favorite friends is SO and he is very wise. I miss him because he is very busy now. you can read his posts: learningtolovetheride

you are welcome to the forum.

also we have SOhank and teddybearthehelper and somebody else I am blanking on.

two DID women? I wonder what it was like when your (ex?)wife and mom were together......