Help for my Girlfriend

Hi Im Art. For the last six months I have been in a long distance relationship with a wonderful woman with DID. I met her in an online social game called VRChat. Surprisingly enough I have found a verry large number of people on this game with this condition and many have become close friends. My Girlfriend has 3 original alters and I've learned a lot about them. One of whom I've figuratively adopted as son. I love him a great deal. Through them I learned of my girlfriends childhood trauma from an abusive aunt who raised her and forced her to never cry or express herself in any such way from a verry young age. Emotional abuse for the most part. She also has a deep rooted guilt of the death of her aunts unborn child. She blames herself. These traumas led to the creation of an alter in her mind that was in essence forced to take on each and every repressed emotion and pain she would feel for the rest of her life. Traped in her mind. Wraped in chains of painfull memories and emotion untill one day that little boy in her mind went insane. He became something that calls itself simply "S". S enjoys the suffering of others. It is the only thing it seeks. Suffering for all those who braught its host pain and betrail. Suffering apon the other alters in her mind. And suffering apon the host most of all. It sits in her mind laughing and laughing and when he can catch them he cuts and tortures the 2 other children that live in her mind. A girl we learned is the key to the host eventualy regaining her ability to cry and the young boy I adopted who is constantly fighting a loosing battle to save the hosts life or sanity. That boy is a hero in my eyes. He has to live in a literal hell of S's creation and endure his tortures day in and day out.

S is winning... he is slowly taking away memories. She is loosing entire days and forgetting friends all together. At the moment she is in a high stress environment away from home for a month and she is rapidly shifting controle between herself and S. A hazy state where she is still aware but another controling consiousness is in control making her post disturbing images and messages on a Discord forum then switching to acting normal when messaging me. She says she is aware of feeling strange and hazy and posting those things but that its not her at the same time. I implore her to try and stay in control. She sais she will try and the next second she is posting frightening images again and speaking of taking peoples souls.

This is an incomplete picture. There is a lot more to her story than I can post here. But this is the bare bones and recent events. I'm quite frankly scared out of my mind. I love her like I have never loved anyone. And I love that boy that has been so brave and so kind. He makes ne feel like a real father. I don't know what to do. I'm desperate. Somone please tell me how I can help them......

First you are hindering at best and being harmful at worst with your current attitude. From what you have posted S you s in alot of pain is acting out because of it. You have said S has gone insane because he took so much of the pain himself how else would you expect a little boy to act? It is nothing short of heroic for a little to take on so much pain for so many years, and for you to not only reject him for that but to recommend your favourites do the same is unacceptable. If you can not find it in yourself to love all of them you should leave all of them.

Your girlfriend need professional help from a T familiar with DID, and support and acceptance not rejection from anyone that deserves to be in there life.

So we had someone in our system who was maybe a little like S. He was mean, he'd threaten and hurt other littles in our system, and he'd say really mean things to the hosts, tell Steph and then older Violet to hurt themselves, kill themselves, that they were useless, etc etc.

The way we dealt with him was by being compassionaite and understanding and patient.

Sometimes 'monsters' or scary parts in a system are really just littles themselves, who are hiding behind masks or making themselves look bigger to be more scary. That's what our part was doing. He'd look like a mean 24yo man to the hosts, and a big 12yo bully to the littles, but in the end it turned out he was just a 6yo boy trying to protect us all in the only way he knew.

Eventually we learned that he had always tried to take pain on for the system. When we were beaten or bullied or even just hurt by accident, he would try to take that pain on himself. And he was bullying and threatening the other littles, not because he wanted to be nasty, but because he thought he was saving them from worse stuff if they got out front to the real world.

Basically he was still sorta trapped in his own trauma time. We had to be nice to him and help him, get him to open up to us and tell us what he actually wanted/needed.

You don't help a system by shunning or locking away the troublesome parts. That might work for short term but longterm it will make things worse. You help the system by helping the parts who are hurting the most, and that's often the parts who are the biggest problem.

We agree with NyxX, your friend needs a T who had experience/training in treating DID.

Violet

Persecutor alters like S are often protector who learned a weird way to protect the system. You have to understand that S isn't causing pain to the others just because he enjoys it - even if it looks like it or if he says so. This way was necessary when they were in an abusive situation, and he doesn't necessarly understand it's not needed anymore. Or doesn't know how to do something else.
He does what he was created to do, and if he does it, there's a reason to.

Now, that doesn't mean he will stay like that forever. He can learn other ways, but for that he needs to feel safe, and more important to know he will be accepted no matter what he does.


Claude was a real pain before we made the effort to talk to him and to set rules that accept the way he works but also allow us to function better.
Claude is verbally abusive and really enjoy causing pain to others, specially those who harmed the system. He was also there to make the system "behave" and be sure we didn't bring attention upon ouselves by sending us devaluationg thoughts, sharing violent images, mimicking my father etc. to humiliate and/or scare us.

One day, Daem and I decided to find him and to talk to him. First, instead of the 30-40yo man we were waiting for, we found a 16yo teenager. We discovered that he was the one pushed out each time we were and are in a situation were someone try to manipulate us. That's why he see evil and manipulation everywhere : he always had lived in that.
We told him we know his job is important, we thanked him for protecting us against my father, for being smart enough to be able to learn and use his own ways against my father. Then Daem made it clear that we were safe now and that those extreme methods weren't needed anymore, so he has to stop trying to punish us. I also said something like : "If you are smatter than us all, why do you wait for us to make mistakes instead of warning us ? >e share the same body, you know, so if we look like fools, you look like a fool too". It worked. Well, he still make humiliating comments sometimes, but now he tries to help.
As he doesn't care if the person was willing to harm us or not, and attacked as soon as we were hurt, we setted two more rules : "never to friends" and "ask before act". And if the person was really mean, we promised that we will let him do and say whatever he wants.
He crossed the rules more than once, but also realised why they were needed. Now, we don't have much trouble with him. I even like him and his dark sense of humour.

I'm that role in our System.

Our SO has learned to cope by being kind, empathic, patient. Even on behaviours that are dangerous, she'll stubbornly not get angry or upset. It's disconcerting (and sometimes I want nothing more than to get a rise) but the best way to manage those types of behaviours, as somebody who performs them, is to understand we're not doing it for funsies.

Don't treat us like comicbook villains. It's not you vs them. They're not the enemy. You are not the hero. It's just a person who's hurting. You need kindness and patience, not condemnation and fear.

The best thing you can do is encourage her to seek professional help. This is something she has to want though to be effective.

S is not bad, just misguided. S needs more love, acceptance, compassion, and patience to start with than the others as a result of what has happened. To work with S prepare to be berated and distrusted, but you can not let that anger you. You need extreme patience as S learns better ways of interacting. Let S know that you are there asking caring questions and listening.

You also mention S “winning”. This is not a “battle royale”, DID requires team building and working together. Perception is important.

Helping someone with DID is a long term deal and is not easy. It would behoove you to learn more about it and sure wouldn’t hurt to talk to a DID specialist yourself as part of that learning if you see this relationship going long term. Not trying to discourage you, but you need to know what you are signing up for.

The internal warfare needs to stop. And "stop" does not mean "someone wins". Stop means cease fire.

I agree with the others that she needs professional help. If she is a danger to herself or others she can be involuntarily committed for a few days. That could be the opportunity she needs to get into treatment. Because she is so florid and unstable right now, the ideal would be a short term inpatient stay in a program that specializes in treating DID.

When I read this I admired your compassion, but I also thought 'boundaries'.

It took us a while to learn this, and we are still learning it too! If other people have issues, you need to have a boundary in place that protects both of you. They aren't your responsibility, nor are you to them. It's fantastic that you get on so well with those guys (the System), but perhaps ask yourself what can realistically happen now, in the current situation as it is?

Perhaps if she was able to come to a place of more balance and harmony, then a relationship between yourselves could grow? But she has to do that for herself, in her own time, and it certainly won't work if there is any external pressure.

I would advise that you don't get too stressed about it all too. It sounds like a very difficult situation, and your self-care and wellbeing is of most important to you.

Wishing you both the best


Lucy - One in the Albion System

Thank you all so much. This has been a wake up call. I've been narrow minded, ignorant, and scared about this. Your perspectives are really what I needed. I tout myself as being a kind and understanding person and I have been exploring approaching S with compassion, but you all really show me that I'm thinking about this all wrong. I'm still scared. S is intimidating and seems to be doing real damage to her mind. He talks about how much he loves making others suffer because it makes him so happy to watch. And the stories my son has told are horrific and heartbreaking. I cant help but see him as a real child undergoing a terrifying experience. It's real for him.

I have encouraged her to see a professional. She vehemently refuses. She insists that she doesn't need "Help" but she also refuses to act in any way to help herself. Instead focusing on puting on a mask of cheerfulness and hoping it all will resolve itself or that little boy inside her will find a way to make things better. All the while she is loosing more and more memories. S tried to go after the memories of me first but because The host and the little boy have such a strong bond to me it was impossible. But the others still think in time he will slowly destroy them as well.

I apologize for my poor choice of words. I know this isn't a battle. With the slow erosion of her controle and memories, I cant help but relate it to having some sort of life threatening disease like cancer or Alzheimer's. And when people are succumbing to those issues they most often describe it as 'loosing the fight.'

I will continue to encourage her to see a professional. And I will try to do what I can to see S from a point of view of compassion and patience. I really hope for the day that I can love him as well as I love the rest of her. Because I love her so verry much.

Please continue to share your thaughts. I think we will benefit greatly from as many points of expereince as posible. If she continues to refuse to see somone professional just know that you will be helping her through me hopefully. You are helping a truley wonderful person.

Thank you

You can't force her to get help and if you encourage to much or push to hard it will alienate her so you need to be careful. You also need to accept any help you can provide will be limited. You also need to seriously consider your wellbeing because it is stressful and exhausting trying to support someone in crisis and there may come a time when it doesn't matter how much you love them and you need to leave them for our own wellbeing.

It is not uncommon for people with serious disorders effecting mental health to deny and try to ignore them, as long as they can maintain a pretence of normalcy or stability. She has to want help and to put in the effort to heal and to be willing to work with everyone inside especially the ones that she find it hardest to deal with. And it can be difficult and unpleasant and it can feel like your getting worse before it gets better.