Switching/front

I have been the host, main, whatever you want to call it, for as long as I can remember. I never recall being inside, even as a chilld, though Ash said she used to be out a lot when I was younger. I only have one experience where I think I was co-conscious with a little when he took over while I was playing a video game but I was just looking through a window while he was in control. I know I didn't give him permission to have front it just kind of happened.

I started seeing a T a few months ago and I expressed some of my feelings with wanting a break and to step inside and just let go for a little while after work or on the weekends. Ash and I agreed that this would be nice and she would be the one to take control when I come inside and she'll let me back out when I want, especially for work. The problem is, I can't seem to switch. I think I'm afraid of the unknown or worried what will happen while she's out. What she'll do, what she'll say etc. I want to switch with her but I think I'm afraid to ultimately let go of control and maybe it's preventing me from switching?

Any advice on how I can switch with her?

Maybe you could give her some rules she must follow? Or if that's a problem....maybe you could have one of the others watch her......like one of your protectors.


I understand how it can be scary. I was very nervous when I allowed David and Bandit to come out to play our Just Dance game (They used to be troublemakers in the inner world).......but I told them that they must follow my rules. I also had Weirdo (my one protector) watch them. They followed the rules....so now they are allowed to play whenever we (all of us) decide to play.

I think it mainly comes down to trust. I trusted that Weirdo would prevent them from breaking the rules if necessary (he didn't need to though).

Also if you don't feel comfortable switching with them...maybe it would be best to try to get to know them better first. Just a few suggestions......I hope my answer helps in some way.

We have rules in place and we have a gatekeeper. I still have my reservations. I guess I'm just not sure how to switch. I feel almost like I'm being pulled; I get spacey and zone out, shut my eyes, and can hear Ash talking to me, I can feel where she is, but when I open my eyes and it's still me at the wheel. I'm frustrated. I DO want to let her. I just don't know how, apparently, and it seems no one wants to force a switch, which is fine. I simply have no idea what I'm doing.

this is really hard for us and we're still figuring things out, so i don't know how much help we can give, but i'll try my best.

i think the main thing is there's lots of fear and control involved with this. i'm the same - i front most of the time (i would have said all of the time a few months ago but i'm starting to realise that's not accurate) and i get scared about my consciousness/awareness "dying", that if i front less i'll cease to exist, or i'll lose my connection to the outside world and end up trapped inside and i won't come back. we're taking it really slowly because of this. ultimately, it has to feel safe for you to switch out. if it doesn't feel safe, then you end up gripping onto the front even tighter, at least it's been like that for us. taking it slowly and seeing where it goes is probably the best plan of action.

what you said about wanting/needing a break really resonated with me. i want - and need - a break from fronting sometimes, but right now i don't get that. jones also wants to front more, so we're trying to figure out a way to give me a break and also give jones some freedom. we've not managed to instigate switches, but me and jones have been co-conscious more and it's meant he can influence things outside more than before, which feels like a good start. we find that it's easier to get someone to front / exert more influence on the outside body when they're already "pushing their head out", so to speak. maybe something like that would benefit you and ash?

i think there's also an element of being "stuck" too. according to lain (who would be called a gatekeeper if you had to use a term), because i've fronted on my own for a few years now (since 2014, maybe a little earlier) it is extremely hard to get me out of the "pilot seat" and very easy to get me back in. things were set up like that for a reason, though i'm not sure why just yet, so slow change and lots of trial and error are necessary. it might be similar for you guys, especially if you've been fronting for a long time.

the main things i can recommend are reflecting on what you want/need from this, how you can manage the fear of losing control/awareness, and maybe aim for more co-consciousness if you don't have that already? if you're already pretty co-conscious then maybe aim for co-fronting? that way ash could still influence things outside, even if you're still somewhat present.

we're nowhere near the point we'd like to be at with this, but it's something that takes a long time and shouldn't be rushed. i hope you guys can figure things out.

- alice & lain

That is something I've been wondering, too... I can't control when it happens, but others (particularly Pixie) seem able to do it almost at will whenever they want to. Sometimes it apparently just happens without a reason or without any of us expecting or wanting it to, also.

But as for consciously choosing to "leave" and get someone else to come forward, I haven't yet figured out how to do that either. Sometimes I think it would be handy and beneficial to be able to.

Alice and lain, I think you're right. When I think we were about to switch, I think I was gripping even harder when ash was trying to switch with me. I've been at front for so long, I'm just exhausted from dealing with reality. That's the biggest reason I need a break. I also want to know what my inside head scape looks like. I apparently built a safe place that is beautiful but I wasn't present for it, and I haven't seen it. I also want to use the internal environment to get to know my others better. The biggest reason I want a break is, I have some pretty suicidal alters, and I have been influenced by them very heavily. I ended up on psych because I wanted to kill myself but couldn't figure out why. It made no sense to me. I was having sobbing fits, my emotions were all over the place. Very not me. I always heard voices and after I got discharged, I asked why they existed and they told me, so it became real apparent what I had going on. This is when I got my DID diagnosis, actually. So this is a new thing for me altogether. It's been 6 months since my diagnosis.

I guess I don't know what it means to be coconscious and cofronting. I don't understand the differences. I've read what they mean, I just don't comprehend. I just read someone else's post about switching and I think I may have switched without knowing. There have been times when I have felt like someone else, very differently, and when I have been, those memories are very fleeting. I have a general knowledge of it but it definitely doesn't feel like me but at the same time it does? I don't know if that makes any sense.

Thank you for all your help. I do appreciate your insights.

i had a bad relapse a month or so ago because i got so tired and burned out from fronting, so i can really relate. i just wanted a break. i was informed it wasn't possible because maintaining the body and our outside life is "my job". we're trying to work on that tho. our inside world is rather dark and not all that appealing, to me anyway. i've never properly gone inside but i've poked my head in a few times (which i'm not supposed to do, apparently).

i think the important thing is providing comfort and healing for those who are suicidal. those kinds of feelings are unbearable and come with a lot of loneliness and isolation. it's exhausting having those feelings, especially if they're not yours, but i think focusing on how all of you could get them to heal and feel grounded and present is really important. they need to feel listened to and cared for and understood. finding out why your alters are suicidal and what they'd need to feel more stable is really important, i feel.

when it comes to fronting / co-fronting / co-consciousness, for us it's very very messy and hard to tell the difference. sometimes i'll be convinced i was fronting on my own, just a little bit out of it, and come back to full awareness and realise someone else was out for a while. equally sometimes i'll wonder if someone else was around because i was dissociating, but i'm simply dissociating. we don't black out, but it feels like lost time because our awareness jumps ahead in time. there may be some second-hand memories to fill the gap, but they're hazy and insubstantial.

i think the main difference for us is how it feels. if someone is co-conscious with me, i still feel like the body is mine. if i want to move a hand up or down, i can do that. i can feel the presence of someone else, who may be talking to me or simply observing. we get this with mirrors a lot. i'll still be fronting but jones will be aware enough to look at our reflection and make a comment, or even move the body a little.

if i'm co-fronting, i will dissociate. i won't feel connected to the body. i can't always move the body even if i still have an awareness of what's going on. it can get very confusing and messy when it's like that, so we try and avoid being stuck like that for too long. because i dissociate a lot in general, it can be very difficult to tell what's happening (i.e. i can be co-conscious and dissociating and assume it's a co-front when it's not, or dissociate and think i'm present but out of it and not realise i wasn't fronting).

for us, full switches involve a distinct lack of awareness that jumps ahead in time. sometimes it'll be obvious to me because i'll be somewhere different or there's some outward proof that i was gone (i.e. jones posted stuff to his blog, someone tells me that bubbles came out), but sometimes it's very difficult to figure out what happened. we had a moment recently where i was aware and present while brushing my teeth, i got a sudden strange urge to clean, and my awareness jumped ahead to being in bed hours later, with second-hand memories of our whole flat being cleaned. i still have no idea what happened, whether someone else fronted or if i was just out of it. it can be really confusing.

i think the main thing is taking it one step at a time, keeping notes about certain things that happen, and generally accepting that there's gonna be a lot of stuff that you'll never know or truly understand. i think building communication and trust is also really important. before you can mess with fronting and instigating certain things, there has to be a strong sense of trust and communication in place, that's what we've needed at least.

- alice (lain also wanted me to say that their name is Lain, not Iain, but my lowercase typing makes it hard to tell )