I just need help

Hi so I know I'm always confused about the obvious. But I really feel like I need to reach out for help.
I'm so scared and confused.
My t really wants me to be more open about names and just inner dynamics I guess.
But the thing is that I just don't know. I don't know, or I can never be certain anyway.
Like I don't know if I switch so much and sometimes so fast that it's already changed when I try to name it. Or is that just co-consciousness or copresence. I don't know. Like maybe I'm switching or maybe I'm just feeling their presence but not switching. How can I tell the difference between all those things?

And I'm so scared and ashamed. But that has my t thinking that we aren't friends as if we're completely disjointed and uncooperative. Are other systems also really scared to switch, even or maybe even especially around their t? She asked why and said it didnt scare her last time but it really scares me and I don't know why. Maybe I'm scared to lose control or maybe I'm still not believing this is actually happening. I don't know. Because I know that others inside are really sure that this is happening. They have been sure for such a long time. My husband also isn't getting how new this is for me. It's like someone else inside has been doing all this healing and discovering and suddenly I'm left playing a main role and I just don't know and I feel really new at all this.
It's just for me so much disbelief and fear. But then another and another session goes by and I feel so disappointed in myself that I don't have the courage. I really want help from my t's but then I think I'm faking or fooling them or I'm not worth their time. What do I do about this fear. She said she doesn't care how much I switch she just wants me to be able to deal with it better. But I don't feel like it makes a difference except for feeling really attached to her now which also really scares me.

I don't think you have to know the difference right now. It sounds like it's overwhelming you right now so I would work on accepting without the need for understanding and then when you feel less overwhelmed try to go back to understanding. It's a concept that's been talked about before on this forum but you need to balance feeling stable and not overwhelmed with progress swinging back and forth like a pendulum.

Also if it scary or doesn't feel safe don't do it. Pushing yourself when you feel scared is the path to re-traumatisation. Tell the T it feels scary and unsafe and ask to work on that. That's what I did with my T, so what we work on is establishing a relationship where I feel trusting and safe enough to honestly and openly discuss things. And so we talk about that a lot and then we also talk about things I struggle with that I don't feel scared to talk about.

TheCollective wrote:Hi so I know I'm always confused about the obvious. But I really feel like I need to reach out for help.
I'm so scared and confused.
My t really wants me to be more open about names and just inner dynamics I guess.
But the thing is that I just don't know. I don't know, or I can never be certain anyway.
Like I don't know if I switch so much and sometimes so fast that it's already changed when I try to name it. Or is that just co-consciousness or copresence. I don't know. Like maybe I'm switching or maybe I'm just feeling their presence but not switching. How can I tell the difference between all those things?

First of all, it's okay to be scared and unsure and easy about this. It's overwhelming. And it's upsetting to think, "I'm not normal, THIS is not normal!" I know I was there when my multiplicity became clear to me and my insiders started wanting out.

I couldn't always anticipate a switch. I couldn't always feel my insiders. And I couldn't always tell when a switch happened. It became clear to me when I was dating my husband and we were on the phone (long distance relationship at that time). And I "fell asleep," a few times. After about the third time of this happening, I "woke up" later, and he said, "I just talked to to someone who isn't you." I was like "Um, what?" And he told me about my little. That's how it all started. You can be darn sure I was confused and upset. Then the others started coming out.

And again, with each of them, I didn't know what was going on. It wasn't until later that I realized I'd always felt Delilah, she had always been co-conscious with me, and the inner dialogue I've had all my life was really me talking to her.

So, the way it works for us... If I can hear them and if they are aware of what is going on in the outside world, we say we are co-conscious. Sometimes they are co-conscious with me, but I don't know it.... Like... I can't see them or hear them or feel them, but later they'll recall all the details of a situation or event.

We can have a "full switch," which means one of them comes forward and I go away. Or we can have a switch where one of them moves to the front, but I"m still watching and aware. We are at a point know where nearly all the time, all of us are aware. Not 100% of the time, but the vast majority. They have learned how to "gently" switch, rather than just hitting the front like a friggin freight train.

TheCollective wrote:And I'm so scared and ashamed. But that has my t thinking that we aren't friends as if we're completely disjointed and uncooperative. Are other systems also really scared to switch, even or maybe even especially around their t? She asked why and said it didnt scare her last time but it really scares me and I don't know why. Maybe I'm scared to lose control or maybe I'm still not believing this is actually happening. I don't know. Because I know that others inside are really sure that this is happening. They have been sure for such a long time. My husband also isn't getting how new this is for me. It's like someone else inside has been doing all this healing and discovering and suddenly I'm left playing a main role and I just don't know and I feel really new at all this.
It's just for me so much disbelief and fear. But then another and another session goes by and I feel so disappointed in myself that I don't have the courage. I really want help from my t's but then I think I'm faking or fooling them or I'm not worth their time. What do I do about this fear. She said she doesn't care how much I switch she just wants me to be able to deal with it better. But I don't feel like it makes a difference except for feeling really attached to her now which also really scares me.

It's okay to be scared, but there is no need to be ashamed. It takes time to get to the point of being co-conscious, being friends, hell even being tolerant of each other. I have one in my system who completely hates, despises and loathes one other. Aside from that, we're at a point where we are friends. But it wasn't always that way. The inner communication and cooperation takes time. And it's easier with some than others.

Think of it like this... have you ever met someone, and right away there is a connection and you're really good friends off the bat? You hit it off right away, you get along great, you have a lot in common but enough differences to keep it interesting?

Then maybe there is another person in your life who you are really good friends with now, but maybe in the beginning you didn't like them at all and could never see yourself being friends with them, but here you?

And then, the person who, you sort of like okay, you never really want to hang out with them outside of work or school, but when you see them you can talk to them and be polite and find a few things in common?

That's how it is for a lot of people with DID.

Some in your system will reach out quickly and want to start building relationships with you and the others. Some will be very hesitant and will test the waters slowly. While others may be just completely anti-everything/everybody.

I know it's scary, almost everyone on this board has been there, or is still dealing with it. What helped me, and has helped a lot of other people on this board, is to get a journal, and maybe a few different colored pens. Keep it somewhere that is very obvious. Then write in it to your others. Tell them you want to get to know them. Ask them a few things about themselves... and then wait and see if anyone rights back.

Two of my alts have their own email accounts. Val uses it when she wants to communicate privately to our husband.

It's scary to realize that the "you" you know hasn't always been in control. And that's okay. It's okay to grieve for the loss of normality.

Tell all of this to your T. And to your husband. And we're glad you're here!!!

K

TheCollective wrote:Maybe I'm scared to lose control or maybe I'm still not believing this is actually happening. I don't know. Because I know that others inside are really sure that this is happening. They have been sure for such a long time.

This is so true for me. Whoever I am right now, writing this, is someone who wants to think that I can just keep them all as some kind of commenting peanut gallery. Like, knowing they're there, but kind of peripheral to MY life, the "real" life, not ever taking over and wanting to live their lives in the outside world. That doesn't hurt them as much as when I don't believe they're real, but it still ignores the reality that they do want things, and do exert a lot of passive influence to get them, and also push to the front sometimes.

But even this morning, I read two threads before yours (about who is the "wake up" person, and about inside and outside versions of parts), and couldn't relate to either of them. A lot of us are around when we wake up, and I don't really have much awareness of an inside world (although if I think hard, which I don't want to do right now, I know there is one--but not with different versions of the parts). So then I start to think I don't really have this--I'm just pretending, and what am I even doing on this forum??

TheCollective wrote:She said she doesn't care how much I switch she just wants me to be able to deal with it better. But I don't feel like it makes a difference except for feeling really attached to her now which also really scares me.

Attachment is a key issue to be working on. The more that different parts EACH feel trusting and attached to the T, the more they will be willing to show themselves. So as much as you can talk about why you feel scared, and about what might happen if you feel more attached, then the less scared you will feel about letting her see switches. I know that in my system, the littles lead the way with a lot of this--they each have a relationship with the T, and different levels of feeling connected and of being able to remember the connection when we're not there.

It has still freaked me out when he has addressed someone by name--that's only happened a couple of time, and only with one particular little. It feels right when it happens, but when I think about it later, it's very scary.

And I agree with the advice to not push yourself, and to talk about all of these feelings with your T. You can ALWAYS talk about "the feeling about the feeling," and approach it that way. (Like, feeling scared about feeling attached. Or feeling scared to tell her that you're feeling scared about feeling attached, etc).

Thanks for the replies everyone.
See t wants us to be friends. But isn't it me trying to be a friend to Amber and the others who are scared by not overriding their feelings? I mean I could switch out and I really want to continue mapping with t, but that scares her/them. Besides. I'm really sceptical of t. I was never believed by therapists for over 10 years when I told them we have DID, and all of a sudden I'm supposed to believe that she does believe me?! Just because I happened to have switched obviously one time? It smells of bs. But anyway I'm going to try to be out for next session and tell t this. Tell t that she wants us to be friends but also wants me to do something that scares some of us. And tell her that I don't believe she's real.

TheCollective wrote:But isn't it me trying to be a friend to Amber and the others who are scared by not overriding their feelings? I mean I could switch out and I really want to continue mapping with t, but that scares her/them. Besides. I'm really sceptical of t.

Yes--the feelings of the parts get put first before anything that the T wants you to do. Especially because you don't (or some parts don't) really trust the T yet.

I had a discussion with my T about this yesterday. There is something important about my present life and history up to this point that I haven't told him about--something most people would have mentioned by now. And he knows that he hasn't been told about this aspect of my life. I have parts that want to tell him, but other (younger) parts that feel like it would "ruin everything!!" I have thought about writing a letter to him about it, and he has suggested that as well, but some parts are very resistant.

I know that he would really like to know about this, but he said that he has learned that patience works, and yesterday, when I told him that whenever I thought about it, someone inside said it would ruin everything to tell him, he said that it would be important to wait until that part felt ready to try it--ready to take a risk and see what happened. NOT to override their feelings.

So it sounds like there is a lot more talking for you to do, and that your system needs more reassurance and trust in your relationship with the T. Slower is always better than faster.

Our T has never pushed us to switch, or tried to force the others into talking to her.
One came out to her and now frequently attends sessions. In fact, just last night she was working with our children (our outside, physical children that I gave birth to), trying to get to the bottom of an altrication they had had the day before.... and I just couldn't handle it anymore (they were trying to fight and were being frustrating), and Delilah just switched out smoothly, in front of the T. She knew the T would notice, and was okay with it.

Val came out just one time, because she got tired of feeling like we were talking about her behind her back, and she wanted to "set the record straight."

Britney came out briefly just one time, just to introduce herself. She's thought about coming out in therapy a few times. But hasn't done it yet.

Lilly (the 5.5 yr old) wanted to at one point, then got annoyed that someone else came out before her, and hasn't said anything about it since.

And Little Wolf has never shown herself to anyone but our husband.

The point of all this... the T asked about them before they came out to her. She made sure they knew she wanted to meet them. But she made sure they all knew it would be on THEIR terms. She knows that talking about them with me makes them pay attention in most cases. And she knows Delilah will be proactive if Delilah feels the need.

I'd tell your T how you are feeling about it all.

Best of luck.

K