Flocking, Nesting, Migrating (journey thread)

** Trigger Warning: self-harm, suicide ideation **

A few weeks ago we were in the first stages of being suicidal. M, one of our teens, wanted to self-harm a lot. She did scratch the body up a few times, but no blood, no bruises, no lasting physical damage or marks.

** End Trigger Warning **

We have been slowly building up capacity again over the last few weeks. Our work focus has suffered tremendously, and we have put more non-dissociative time towards the less-important project because it's being managed by someone who is very angry and micro-managey. This week we have a major deadline for both projects, and we are afraid of disappointing our real boss who we like and respect very much. We dislike and do not respect the other boss, and he does not sign off on our paycheck. I think he has been triggering us badly and so we have worked extra hard out of anger and fear.

This weekend we are going to do extra work to make up for lost productivity on the project for our main boss. I feel ashamed that it got as bad as it did. Particularly because the way our main boss manages is to trust people to do the work, because he knows they can do it and that they are responsible enough to do it without supervision. Our lack of execution is not because we are irresponsible or incapable, but I don't feel it reflects well on us and I am terribly disappointed that this happened.

The complication is that we have been giving ourselves compassion during the time we were struggling. Did our best each day and allowed ourselves to leave work at the right time. We worked extra on a few days when we had the brain capacity for it, but mostly let ourselves finish on time because it would have made it worse otherwise. No need to punish when we are already down. Now I am judging harshly and trying not to panic about it. I already feel like a disappointment from the presentation we gave just a few days after our worst day.

The last few days we have been the most functional we have been in a month. Today we got up early, we're doing two loads of laundry, and we will work for 2-3 hours. Tomorrow we will buy groceries and work for another 2 hours or however long we need.

There is a complex social situation at work with the secondary project, but it isn't anything out of the ordinary. We just don't have enough experience. Luckily, we know people who do, so I think we have enough support.

Crows

We aced the major deadlines for both projects. We worked a few hours extra this week, but nothing outrageous, and our real boss complimented our work on the main project. Other people did too.

We also talked to real boss about the fake boss. We're allowed to walk away from the project if we want, so we might. Fake boss is awful and we are realizing how much abusive threatening language he uses. It is really not a good situation.

We also spoke up about our neighbors' frightening behavior and it got addressed. Insiders are really happy that main front finally said something about both situations. Appealing to authority for help always feels childish and like we are failing and like we should be able to handle it alone. We also have bad experiences of trying to do that in the past, and it is really good that we went forward with it anyway.

Tonight, M was blendy with the main front. I think it's related to those two instances of reaching out for help and protecting ourselves. It physically felt really good and M really appreciated the sense of autonomy and trust that came with the experience.

We have also been emailing with a colleague who we haven't been able to see and feel more connected. And we are starting to talk more online generally, in different places. We get to exist in the world if we decide to, and we're deciding to. It has taken a long time to find places where we want to exist. I don't know when it will feel solid, but this feels significant.

electric crow

Well done, Crows, on all fronts. Congrats!

MDs

Thanks MDs! We appreciate the cheering on.

Updates

We've decided to definitely leave the project with fake boss. We wrote a draft of the email we will send next week and are trying to make peace with the way this has made us behave at work. We feel ashamed of how emotional we got in front of real boss, who was relatively patient with us but also clearly doesn't want this emotional stuff to keep coming up with this project and thinks it should just end if it's going to continue like this. That's reasonable. We also hate that an abuser situation came up at work, even briefly. We are afraid this will negatively impact our relationship with real boss, but at least one of us has the clarity of mind to say that if we go back to our usual behavior and productivity and demonstrate how well we can work with other people, it will be evidence enough that we are not unable to work with others and that we still do our work.

I think today I want to be bold with getting rid of old stuff that has bad feelings attached to it. We have been trying and going so slowly with this. A recent experience showed us that, even though we hung onto nothing from one old relationship, we are still able to access all of the important emotions and memories from that. Maybe we lost some things, but the essential remained. We can trust to let go of other stuff, and then the bad stuff won't haunt us as badly, maybe.

Main Front, who I think is more than just one alter and that they are in denial of being separate selves, has not been making enough time to know the system as a whole. I am very angry with them especially for not tending to the system and not bothering to take the time. I understand that their anxiety is all-consuming, but this is unacceptable.

Main Front, or Fronts: stop ignoring us or trying to pretend we are not here. I understand you are afraid and would rather sweep us all under the rug, but I will not be ignored. Heed this.

-one who is not a bird

SeveralCrows wrote:Main Front, who I think is more than just one alter and that they are in denial of being separate selves, has not been making enough time to know the system as a whole. I am very angry with them especially for not tending to the system and not bothering to take the time. I understand that their anxiety is all-consuming, but this is unacceptable.

Main Front, or Fronts: stop ignoring us or trying to pretend we are not here. I understand you are afraid and would rather sweep us all under the rug, but I will not be ignored. Heed this.

-one who is not a bird

I hear you. I will try to make more effort. I went back through this thread and this is from March 28:

SeveralCrows wrote:There are at least 2 Sevs who feel like current Sevs. Maybe 3. It is confusing and we are still trying to understand the new system layout. Our system felt better balanced before and I think we actually need another merge to fix the balance.

This was early into working from home and before things got very bad with the project boss who speaks like an abuser. We have been in a state of cyclic breakdown. The past two weeks have involved a lot of depression and thoughts of self-harm and suicide. It's possible that ignoring the new system layout made that worse, and it may be that everything else has made it hard to prioritize understanding the new system layout, which is how I experienced it.

The above non-bird poster left us a video message on the phone and pointed out a time this last week when I thought about writing notes about one of the other parts who is a frequent Front but who has not been identified or given real contact. There are, at minimum, 3 of us who comprise Main Front. I also haven't taken time to get to know the new fusion.

It feels very hard to be open when work feels like constant threat. No communication with most of work has ramped up anxiety and depression system-wide. It is exacerbating trauma feelings and causing emotion flashbacks. We also want to just be able to be out and proud, and we are trying that out with friends who already know, but doing that at work is a long way off, if it will ever be a reality. It is exhausting having to perform mental wellness and it is exhausting having to mask as Main Front. We are exceptionally tired of having to mask and perform.

Soon we will get to go back to the physical workspace, and that will allow us to relax more into being ourselves at home. We get to see a new rental this week, and if it looks acceptable then we will be fully moved within the next two months.

one of the Front Crows

Whoever woke up in the middle of the night felt completely disconnected from everything we own and considered getting rid of all of it. This is a repeated theme in our life over the last few years, most expressed by Blanca, who has since fused mostly with one of the Main Fronts. The chaos of home doesn't serve a goal of stability or easier to clean living space. A few days ago we released a few items and someone started crying when they left our possession and wanted to grab them back jealously. We have no use for them and they were not sentimental items. I don't know who was crying or why. They seem okay now. Usually when we try to set items aside to get rid of, someone insists we keep items and I still don't understand why. We are probably going to take the new rental we saw yesterday and I don't want to take all of the chaos with us. We could get a fresh start and make it easier for ourselves. Most things are replaceable.

We have been trying to suppress switches during the work day even as we work from home, and over the weekend we decided to stop doing that unless we are interacting with others from work. We have been switching a lot every day and are starting to feel more clear-minded. I didn't realize how badly it was impacting us. It puts us off balance. When we don't fight it, we can just do what we need to.

the Crows

SeveralCrows wrote:A few days ago we released a few items and someone started crying when they left our possession and wanted to grab them back jealously. We have no use for them and they were not sentimental items. I don't know who was crying or why. They seem okay now. Usually when we try to set items aside to get rid of, someone insists we keep items and I still don't understand why.

It might be important to understand this. My littles are feeling very sad for whoever that is--maybe those items have a meaning for those parts that you're unaware of. Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean that they don't have an important reason for wanting those things. Maybe you can communicate with them in whatever way works for you (writing works best for us) so that you're not continuing to hurt them by giving away things that they want/need.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:

SeveralCrows wrote:A few days ago we released a few items and someone started crying when they left our possession and wanted to grab them back jealously. We have no use for them and they were not sentimental items. I don't know who was crying or why. They seem okay now. Usually when we try to set items aside to get rid of, someone insists we keep items and I still don't understand why.

It might be important to understand this. My littles are feeling very sad for whoever that is--maybe those items have a meaning for those parts that you're unaware of. Just because you don't understand it doesn't mean that they don't have an important reason for wanting those things. Maybe you can communicate with them in whatever way works for you (writing works best for us) so that you're not continuing to hurt them by giving away things that they want/need.

Thanks Gangs, that's a good idea. We've been trying to communicate about this sort of thing on and off for years now, and I feel like we're getting no closer to answers. We set things aside to release and keep them in a bag or box near the door for weeks before letting them leave, and then sometimes on the day of we will move some things out of the bag to a different one, to not leave just yet. I prompt frequently, about whether or not anyone has objection to letting go of the things, both in the journal and talking out loud or sending messages internally. It is usually silence and no one moves them back during the weeks where they sit by the door.

In this particular instance, when we let them go, we started crying. It was overwhelming and I couldn't figure out why it had happened. When I thought through what each item in the bags was, each one was met with a calm, "Well that's okay, I didn't need that, or want that, or I could replace that easily," but when considering letting go of the group of items it was again this intense sadness. The only thing I can think of relating it to is that when the body was small we felt very unimportant and jealously guarded our little treasures, most of which were cast-off items from family members, and in adulthood we have been working hard to allow ourselves to get new treasures which are particular to us, instead of things we accept from others. There are still so many things in our possession which are items which weren't specific to us. A lot of things the mother got for herself and realized she didn't use, so she gave them to us, or same with other family members.

**Trigger Warning, especially for littles, about being unwanted** (added by Jake after writing the following)

I guess there is a secondary feeling of discarding items as though they are people. These unwanted things -

Oh.

Someone is crying very hard now. With the body too, I mean. The items are unwanted and discarded by family just the way that we are unwanted and discarded by the family, and we just discarded them. Someone doesn't understand that objects don't feel unloved the way that people do. They were trying to protect the items from that experience.
**End Trigger**

We also had a problem where the mother would take items from our room and get rid of them without consulting us or telling us, and then would act like she didn't know what we were talking about later. This doesn't feel like that, because we do try to have conversations with everyone before letting things go. Probably the part inside the trigger label is most of why.

Thank you for replying, Gangs. We weren't figuring it out on our own, but trying to explain it helped us to see what no one was able to articulate to each other internally. I think we can find some resources now, for talking through what it means to let go of things and to find a way to let them go where it feels like we're sending them on to an exciting new journey or something else which feels less like abandoning.

one of the Main Crows

Hi Crows,

The "secondary feeling" that you trigger-warned really resonates with us. Some of us, especially younger ones, tend to ascribe human qualities (especially feelings) to inanimate objects.

Our mother was a hoarder during the last decade of her life. Our father was a saver. We tend to be a saver as well, but one of our main goals in life has been to not end up like our mother. For the most part we've far surpassed her on the mental and physical health scale, but we tend to not give ourselves credit in the presence of even the smallest iota of similarity.

We hope that you're able to resolve the issue(s) with letting possessions go.

MDs