Flocking, Nesting, Migrating (journey thread)

Been doing work full-time for over a month now.

Good: we're finally acclimating. Took several weeks, but finally feel like we're part of the team and not an intruder. Boss is really happy with our work and is encouraging and generous.

Bad: we're still exhausted a lot. Less exhausted, but still exhausted. Crying is starting to be less frequent after work. Still don't have access to some of the stuff we need to do the main work we were hired to do because of legal agreements other people have to write and sign.

Confusing: one coworker desperately wants to be our friend and her unresolved stuff is worrisome and stress us out. We're doing really well with establishing and maintaining good boundaries with her, but it's still going to be an ongoing thing probably forever. Also, a few in the system want to attach to our boss as a parent figure, and others do not, especially those who are unsure of our coworker, because she seems to have already attached to our boss in that way.

We don't have much energy for anything besides work. There is a lot of paperwork and accounts to set up with benefits and that sort of thing. It is good, the benefits are good. It is just exhausting. I wonder when we will be able to do anything else again, think about anything else again. It is all-consuming. Romantic relationships are similarly all-consuming, but that's more stigmatized than being obsessed with work.

System seems to be collaborating really well. A few parts really take to getting us ready in the morning, others preparing stuff night before, and others doing stuff at work. There are a few who are restless for the things they want to do, which we don't prioritize right now. One part who has only ever come co-con and has never fronted in the body did this week, on the way home from work. We have also been thinking about some old parts who are no longer distinct in system, who were regular fronters years ago and have seemingly long-since integrated.

I think we're having more moments where focus is clear and entirely undissociated. We were able to copy, by hand, several numbers without second-guessing what the numbers were or making mistakes. Looked once, wrote once, was all correct.

We should probably revisit the goals we stated in our first post and update with progress and new ones, but right now too tired. Bed soon.

heap of crows

Finally starting to figure out what's going on in terms of the confusing blending we've witnessed in system and the merging we've suspected. It will ultimately be good, but right now it's overwhelming and bringing up a lot of sadness and fear.

Several of us now believe our desperate coworker is dangerous, like predatory. We are going to have to be careful. Boss is still really happy with our work.

Remembered some trauma stuff a week ago and wanted to bring it up in session, but there was disagreement about actually discussing it so we decided not to. We had our most obvious switch in session and didn't acknowledge it and our T asked who she was sitting with. It was really validating, but also difficult to answer because of the merging that has been going on in the background. T is going to be out of town for the next two weeks and we're dreading it because we had a really hard time today and won't see her until three weeks from now. Hard time is related to trauma memories and the changes in system.

Really tired so going to bed now.

crows

Thank you for sharing an update.
Maybe some didn't want to share with the T because they knew she was going away?
If necessary, you can try imagery techniques to distance yourself from the memories for now. Like imagining temporarily putting them in a safe for later, or imaining that they are in a box that is jumping further and further away from you. It works, but only when the parts normally holding the trauma are reassured that the memory is not being denied/repressed and will be dealt with later.

Take care!

Thank you, fireheart. I thought we replied to this already, but I think we started to write a reply post a few times and then abandoned it. You are right that some of the hesitation was sourced in not wanting to not have access to T right after a big upset. I think it is also that we can't continue to avoid it if it's known to T. Right now it doesn't have to be as real, we can and usually do ignore it. If we talk about it with T then it has to be more real.

Updates

Blanca merged into the system. Mostly into one of the Sevs. There are at least 2 Sevs who feel like current Sevs. Maybe 3. It is confusing and we are still trying to understand the new system layout. Our system felt better balanced before and I think we actually need another merge to fix the balance.

**Trigger Warning: Virus Talk**

We are doing okay with current pandemic. We still have our job and so we still have stability of rental, food, etc. We haven't left home in two weeks, other than a short walk. We need to go on more walks.

We are angry about what is going on, because a lot could have been prevented and government chose not to do it. We are sad because people have been dying and a lot more will. We are worried for people in our life and our community. Even so, we are functioning very well. Working from home has been bad because of neighbors who have moved in in the last six months. Two of our neighbors who both live alone get very angry and yell. It is frightening and triggers us a lot. None of our neighbors are following social distancing rules and it makes us angry and scares us. We hoped to move this month before pandemic caused everything to shut down.

**End Trigger Warning**

It would probably be more useful for us to journal in physical space now and come back to share when we have done that.

Crows

Hi Crows,

The co-worker and boss dynamic does sound possibly damaging or dangerous. If the co-worker has already latched on to the boss in a parental type way and because you don't know the family dynamics the boss had you could end up in a "golden child" / "scape goat" dynamic which a horrible all round. So I think you keeping strict proffessional boundaries is a great call.

Much luck and best wishes

Hi Sarandipity,

That isn't something we had considered, thank you for bringing it up. I am less concerned about boss' dynamics and more worried about co-worker, but I should keep awareness around all of the workplace relationships. I think she could get jealous easily, both with this situation and with us becoming friends with anyone else in the workplace. Thanks for the well wishes!

Crows

SeveralCrows wrote:Hi Sarandipity,

That isn't something we had considered, thank you for bringing it up. I am less concerned about boss' dynamics and more worried about co-worker, but I should keep awareness around all of the workplace relationships. I think she could get jealous easily, both with this situation and with us becoming friends with anyone else in the workplace. Thanks for the well wishes!

Crows

Jealousy is the key component in creating a toxic triad relationship dynamic. Usually the person in power, ie the boss, creates the triad by instigating jealousy between the people in less powerful situations. But the co-worker who is predisposed to it regardless of the bosses true nature or background could create it from the ground up. Eg, she has put the boss on a pedestal, she kicks the pedastal from under the boss and puts you on one and then innate human emotion causes the boss to feel jealous of you and thus your life is harder and the co-worker is now in the position of power instead of the boss.

It's very concerning to be around a toxic person. I find the best way to deal with it is directly. Eg woman at work spreads lies and creates potential discord. I went directly to her and others in her game and called her out on all of it, she has not done this again and instead keeps her facade of sweetness but still I have to bare in mind her true nature as people like this do not change, they just behave when they know they have no other choice.

Hi Sarandipity,

My boss is centered in himself in such a way that I am not worried about this dynamic developing with him. It seems more likely with other people in the office, as coworker may turn on me if she sees me becoming friends while maintaining distance with her. It doesn't matter much right now anyway since none of us are allowed to work in the office and I have limited contact with coworkers from home.

Crows

General updates
We made an error in judgement and talked to the mother on the phone over the weekend. We were vulnerable on a subject that distresses us, and we know that it's a distressing subject because of her. I don't know why we chose to do this. We have been generally dissociating a lot since then, and focus has been very hard during work today. We took a break to actually think and feel about it just now, after looking at the forum and seeing everyone else. It is grounding to be reminded that we aren't alone in this. One of the littles and one of our teens seem to be the most disregulated from the interaction, and while we have done some things to help both since then, we realized just now that we jumped from knowing something was wrong to doing nurturing and soothing activities without making enough space for the feelings. I think we'll be able to get back to work now that we had a cry and a rant. The body feels very tired.

Hi Crows,

So good to hear you feel assured about the boss.

Used to do that with the parents. Call them when something was wrong and then regret it. It's easily done if still in contact with them. Well done for recognising it quickly.

Thanks for the reply Sarandipity. It's been a long time since we intentionally called a parent about something that has gone wrong, but it's still too easy to slip into doing if we're already on the phone. The desire to be comforted, or maybe to be shown that we're wrong to think we couldn't get comfort from a parent, is still here after all this time.

Updates

**Trigger Warning: Virus Talk, Abuser Behavior, Feeling Unsafe**

We mentioned in a post previously that we have neighbors who get very angry and yell and that it is triggering. One of them has maintained the same level of anger, so we only hear him yell a few days a week, and it is manageable enough now. The other has gotten much more explosive and yells louder and slams the doors repeatedly and it has become a daily occurrence. Multiple times a day sometimes. He is explosive and it feels like he is angry non-stop.

We do not feel safe in our home. It is starting to get to a point where we do not feel safe leaving the unit because we might run into him in the stairway or just outside the building. One of our littles is having an especially hard time with this. She got frightened of him last week just before our session with T and we ended up being a minute late and spent the first part of the session talking about that and calming the little down. Telehealth is okay with us generally, but not while we don't feel safe here.

I don't know what we think the consequence of angry neighbor will be for us. The little who was in a fear state thought immediately that he was angry with us and that we were in trouble, and struggled to calm down even when we were able to hear what he was angry about and it had nothing to do with us. Today he was angry about a neighbor, and it could have been us but it might have been the guy who lives one floor up from us. I don't know what his complaint was. I don't know who he was yelling at either, but it was clear he was on the phone. The door slamming makes it feel possible he will lash out with physical violence.

It feels like we cannot escape. We cannot move right now because of the pandemic. We cannot leave the unit because we are afraid of this neighbor. We are afraid of even moving around the unit or having lights on because then it will be apparent from outside that we are home.

**End Trigger Warning**

On a less distressing note, we've been confusing what age we are physically, aging ourselves up by a year, for several months now. I think this has to do with the blending and internal reconfiguration that has been going on lately, but it only just occurred to me that the mistake is probably related to being multiple instead of being one of those things people start to do after they hit a certain age.