Flocking, Nesting, Migrating (journey thread)

We let the teens do most of today. They are obsessed with the new Harry Potter game and I'm really glad M got to have fun in the body instead of the usual experience of sorrow, rage, and self-destructive desires. None of us thought to ask them not to eat an entire bag of chips today, so that is a thing that happened. We don't even usually have chips, they just bought a bag while out playing.

I wish I had gotten some time for my own fun today. I have been doing a lot of responsible things and not giving myself a quality fun break, but I will have to do that another day. I really want to get us to bed on time. Will write a list for how to manage the coming days, to see if we can continue with getting unscattered and back on track.

-Sev3 and some other tired crows

I'm very proud of our system today and wanted to make a note about it here. This is Jake, by the way.

Yesterday we went to see the T. Sev3 is still the only one who has come out during a session, which is good I think. She's still trying to establish who she is to the T, before others introduce themselves. She talked about a few subjects, including troubles with an alter with whom there is almost no direct communication. She even proactively requested a little advice on the way out, on how to proceed between that and next session, which she's been wanting to do but hadn't been able to until yesterday.

When we got home, we discovered the power was out. The power company had called a little after 2 (our session time) to let us know that it would be out until 4:30. We got home probably a little more than an hour before then, so we weren't worried.

The time got extended, to 7:30, then 1 AM, then 3 AM, and 6 AM. Sev3 did what she could to cope and got to bed early. She woke up a few times, too warm, but got cool water on the body a few times to cool us off and we slept an okay amount. The power came back on at 5:30 and we have been up since then. We had to throw away some food because the refrigerator was off for so long, but we were able to do that without feeling guilt or shame, and while it isn't insignificant to have had to re-buy some groceries, we were able to take the littles to the store and be calm and happy about it. We're running a load of laundry now to deal with sweaty sheets. One of our typically grumpy parts took out the trash, the littles have been excited about post-outage to-dos, and I think we may be ready for Blanca to head up the effort to get rid of stuff we don't need because so many of us are active and near the front and the outage really made it clear to us how much junk we have and don't need. The event also illuminated some of the holes we have in our emergency preparedness plans that we hadn't noticed before. Hopefully one day we will be able to patch up one of the glaring holes we have known about for awhile, but have not been able to face, which is that we don't have other-bodied people to rely on that feel safe to rely on. We also have better plans in place for extreme heat than extreme cold, I think, and that is something to fix in the future as well.

Sev3 is nearby and I can tell she doesn't want me to post this. She is devaluing her own efforts and feels like this should be bare-minimum stuff that she of course should be able to do, not something worth acknowledging, even though she is often heartily impressed by others doing well in taking care of themselves. As a note to her, and to anyone else reading here, our T suggested that we as a system find a way to validate and value the needs of the alter who is having trouble. Let's value the needs of the system as a whole too, that we needed to get through this safely and deal with the aftermath, and acknowledge how valuable and wonderful it is that we're able to do that, and that you, Sev3, are doing the bulk of that work. I am also personally grateful that you're doing that, because I have a hard time fronting when you don't make this sort of effort, and I like to be out and I know you like when I come out too. So, thank you.

Jake

PS, to myself in the future and others: I think if I am not the one to press Submit then this post will not go up because of Sev3 having very different feelings to mine, so finish and submit a post before switching out if you can, even if it means cutting your post a little short.

Life has been very full the last few months.

We started applying for work. There has been an interview for a job that wasn't a good fit, and more on the horizon.

We met someone and started dating him. He knows we're multiple and wants to know all of us. He's imperfect, and we love him and he loves us. We're still trying to learn how to ask to be treated the way we need, and he is receptive. When we say what we need, he understands us and never gets angry with us. We still get dysregulated and afraid and angry when we can't talk to him about problems, but it's generally very good.

Our T pointed out today that we seem to be approaching all of what this relationship has been in an integrated way. Not in the fusion sense, where all parts are becoming a singular self, but in the sense of collaboration and cooperation, where no one is being suppressed or ignored. Everyone seems to be on board and when any given part is objecting we do our best to take care of that part while still interacting in the external world the way we collectively mean to.

Some days we aren't as good at working collaboratively, but things have overall gotten better in that direction. I'm fairly confident all parts are awake and known now. There has been less switching of the front and more co-consciousness, passive influence, and blending.

Very tired at the moment, so we won't be checking in on others right now. Now that we mostly don't fight ourselves and try to take care of each other and allow ourselves to just exist the way that we do, things have gotten easier and better.

Several Crows

It's been a little difficult telling some of us apart lately. That's probably a good thing, but we worry about neglecting parts due to not distinguishing well. We've been neglecting ourselves a bit in general lately, but caught it quickly enough to fix with relative ease. Our food intake has been off, we haven't been drinking enough water, sleep is off. Basic needs. Blanca had been taking some time on Sundays and that hasn't been possible for the past few months because of a shift in our schedule, and she wasn't getting enough time out, but she got time last night and this morning. We're starting to understand her new role in the system: slowing down, putting a pause on things, not push ourselves so hard.

Things with the boyfriend are going well. We had a day with rapid switching due to stressful events and he just asked who was out and what they needed and made sure those needs were met. He didn't bat an eye. He hasn't even met everyone in the system yet, but tells us often that he loves all of us and wants to get to know all of us. I hope that any systems reading this really understand that you can ask for your needs to be met and you can insist on being treated well. There are people in this world who will love you as multiple.

It's been a hard week, but I think we're going to be able to do at least some of what we need to. I'm going to take a short rest and then work on another job application.

Crows

The relationship ended. I hadn't considered until things were breaking that I could be in a relationship and the other person's MH problems would be the breaking point, rather than mine. I've taken a little time to think on what went well and what went poorly and what just went. I'm still sad, but getting over it.

An unnerving situation is brewing with the job search, but it's mostly unnerving because I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. I've been "interviewed" twice for a position, but they were mostly conversations with me asking questions and the interviewer trying to sell me on how great it is to work there. I don't know if the third interview will be a real interview and I expect the whole thing to fall apart at that point. This has been entirely too easy. I like that they view me as competent and are ready to hire me, and the employer is a large and well-respected entity in the area so it isn't like a scam or anything. I am just waiting for someone to be critical and it still isn't wholly clear what exactly is expected on the job because my interviewers thus far keep saying, "This other person will be able to tell you more specifics about what we need you to do." I cannot discern whether my unease is reasonable, due to not yet having the specific experience that the job requires, or unreasonable, because how else will you get the experience? There may still be too large of a gap between my knowledge base and what they are looking for, but no one has been able to give me answers and I fear walking into the next interview and being torn apart. I would survive and it wouldn't be my fault, but I dread it all the same - I think we are stable enough right now that there wouldn't be an immediate switch, but I expect I would still get hazy and temporarily less competent. At least I have asked a lot of questions in both interviews, so it is clear I am trying to determine whether the job is a good fit and whether I can do it.

Life is fairly stable this week. We made a huge effort over the weekend to start putting automated routines into place. It is too early to tell if we will be able to sustain this over the long-term, but it has helped in the short-term. The basic idea is to set certain times for things like particular cleaning tasks, banking tasks, cooking tasks, and so on. When it isn't time to do those things, we don't think about it because there is a dedicated time for those. The hope is that this will free us from worrying about money in the middle of the week or from not doing work in the middle of the week for laundry or so-on. It also means everyone in the system knows that we are taking care of ourselves, that we are worth taking care of, and it also means that if anyone has specific needs they will already know that we have something that needs to happen right now but we can do it after that.

Crows

This morning during our daily meditation, I was able to see everyone in the system. It was at a distance with most, so I'm not sure if everyone heard me. I spoke to the strengths and capacities of each member of the system, including the ones who have caused harm. I feel like we are a little more unified today.

A few days ago, one of our system was fronting but took awhile to realize it was her. This has been happening with her more and more often for the last month or two. She no longer feels as physically distinct from the body, so it's hard to notice until we recognize the thoughts and feelings are very particular. Internally we have noticed her hair slowly changing to be closer in color to the body's, and I wonder if she is slowly moving towards fusion. She has wanted to fuse for a long time. I think she would benefit too, though it will be bittersweet because we love her as she is. Growth and change are both good and inevitable. This is on the tails of seeing some other members of the system blended internally. I think we're trying to figure out the best fusion pairs and groups - it feels like we're on the precipice of significant change.

There are many difficult tasks ahead this week and I am encouraging us to gently request our needs be met, and to be receptive to hearing others' requests and doing what we can to take care of all of us so that we can get done what needs doing with minimal interruption.

I had to cancel therapy this week because the body is mildly ill, so we won't have a session until the end of the month. I'm actually not worried about needing more support around the possible fusion during this time. I feel calm.

A Crow Blend - couldn't really say exactly who

We have been informally offered a job. System is feeling a mix of excitement and anxiety, depending on who you speak with. Some are worried that we won't be able to do the work, others are worried we will be able to do the work but won't be able to manage working so many hours regularly without breaking down from exhaustion or stress, others are excited for the challenge, others are excited for the money, and others still are looking forward to the social aspect of the work. We finally see T this week, hoping to discuss this issue with her. Job offer should be formalized this week, but won't be solid until after some paperwork after that.

One of the parts who is most anxious in response to this change is our seven-year-old. She fears that we won't be able to do the work or won't be able to endure the hours and that we will get in trouble. She is afraid that the people at the job misinterpreted our resume and will be angry with us, even though we had several interviews. I don't know how to soothe her around this. I've listened to her fears, reassured her that we are unlikely to get in trouble, and that if we do that system adults will take care of it and take care of her. She won't have to be in trouble and we will still love her. Her anxiety is less overwhelming right now, but I can feel it bubbling in the background.

A few days ago the boys had intense gender dysphoria. This was mostly one of the adult men, and he wept over the body and that we never chose to transition. He has felt this way in the past, as have others, but this is the most intense these feelings have been in years. He felt the feelings for a few minutes and the sadness lingered the rest of the day. I haven't heard anything more about that since, but I feel the pull internally towards more expression of masculinity.

We are still trying to get rid of childhood possessions. This is a project we started a long time ago, and wrote about on the board previously. We hope to move to a new home soon after starting the new job, and I would really like it if we don't bring things we know we don't want to keep. Sometimes when we think about getting rid of things we feel untethered and lost, like we have no identity at all. Our identity shouldn't be in things, but somehow having things reminds us of being in this life and in this world, and without outside objects we stop being real. That seems unhealthy. I won't get rid of everything, we need clothing and we have things we do like. Getting rid of things would probably feel good. I wonder if we have a fear of forgetting that bad things happened. I don't know if it would be bad to forget. I wonder if we are afraid of feeling unburdened. Who are we without the pain? I would like to know. Maybe someone else inside is afraid.

Crows

Read this last page. Sorry to read the relationship didn't work out. Congratulations on the job prospect.

Thanks, Sarandipity.

Job and System Updates:

We accepted the job. We start before the month ends, and there is a lot of upheaval in the system. A lot of fear coming from one of our littles, a lot of disregulation is coming up for both of our teens. At least one of the system adults is especially pained by not having a romantic partner to rely on through this transition. It is bringing up a lot of expectation that people are looking to tear us down, when that isn't true. It is a collaborative environment and they need us to fulfill our role. They are excited to have us. Our little is especially afraid that we won't be able to perform due to dissociation. Dissociative barriers are cutting off our ability to remember some of how to do the job right now, and it's frustrating because I think we could, if we could get everyone to calm down. We have tried a lot of things and nothing sticks - it is a repeated effort.

Things are shifting around in terms of adults fronting most often. I think Sev3 is in the process of fusing with someone, but it's been hard to tell what is going on. A lot is changing and it feels very rapid and like we are unable to get our bearings because of it.

Crows

We started work. Everyone is really nice, I think we'll do well there. So far we have been really exhausted after work every day and have cried most nights just from being so tired from trying to stay well-regulated. Today we started to get a switching headache during training. We were able to put off switching, but now I have the headache again and even though I invite the switch this time and am able to ask inside what's going on, nothing but headache. This morning we made a lot of small, silly errors on the way to work. Not so bad during actual work hours.

Worried, but hoping we will continue to adjust.

electric crow, who needs to be plugged in.