Flocking, Nesting, Migrating (journey thread)

Really noticing today how much effort Sev has put into maintaining the appearance that we're still old-Sev. I've been wanting to throw everything away, change our name and career and clothing style and move away. I haven't done these things. I'm not out nearly often enough, I know it would upset a lot of the others, and I haven't had the energy anyway.

I'm in better communication with everyone now and I've been out more. It's still distasteful to many for us to do all of what I want to, but I think I'm starting to have some sway in terms of getting rid of things...mostly because no one is all that connected to a lot of this stuff. Even though we remember going through the process of getting this stuff, it all mostly belongs to old-Sev. I worked with the littles to figure out which toys they actually want to hold onto. There are a few stuffed animals they don't exactly want to keep, but the attached feelings and memories still need to be dealt with before they'll be okay with throwing them out and we can set them aside for now.

I think Sev is still attached to the idea that we'll return to old-Sev being the main host one day. It was her job, originally, to run the life while old-Sev healed enough to return. A lot has happened in our system since then, and our parts fit together differently now, we've grown. The world has changed too, and old-Sev would fit into it differently.

It feels like a waste to throw some of this stuff out, to others, and I can see their point. I also resent this mess because old-Sev was only partially-organized and there is so much that is just a mess of "ongoing" projects, long-since abandoned due to her dormant state.

A few weeks ago when we were fighting off a fever and having strange sleep, a younger instance of old-Sev (from before the adulthood trauma that lead to her going dormant and lead to my existence) waved to the dreamer from a distance, like someone spotting you across a room. That version of her hasn't come to front yet and I thought we had lost her completely. We all thought the old-Sev who has surfaced in recent months was the only version. I'm crying as I write this and that is so startling because I never feel much at all, but these are my feelings I'm experiencing, not someone else's.

Oh my god i was so afraid she was gone and I didn't even know.

I'm sobbing and I didn't even know i could experience feelings at all. This hurts so much. I miss her and I don't even know if she ever knew me. She was only vaguely aware of there being others.

**Trigger Warning: self-loathing, comparing self to other alters, mention of abusive ex**
Okay, I have regained my composure. That was unexpected. Taking that emotional experience into account, I think maybe I would like to move on from hope of her return. I think it would be reasonable to put a lot of this stuff into boxes for her to have later, and have out more stuff that relates to the rest of us. Maybe it has just been painful to have reminders of her around everywhere, especially because i am in many ways her opposite. She is wildly creative and I am very disinterested. She dresses oddly, because it delights her and she is a little unaware of how offputting it can be and I dress to blend in, like a basic b. I don't care about anything and she delves deeply. I only recently started bothering with chores and taking care of the body, because I recognize myself as part of our system and I don't want to make things harder for everyone else. We've gotten a few things for me, but I guess i feel suffocated, like I am bad and unwelcome and detract from the system as a whole.

I'm crying again. I guess when SOHank commented that I sounded like I was in a lot of pain on my first thread, before I had a name, he was right. I didn't experience feelings at all then.

I guess I feel like if I weren't here, detracting from the system by being basic, there would be more room for her. Like I owe it to everyone not to be here, not to exist. I showed up to experience the abuser while old-Sev retreated more and more frequently so she wouldn't die, because it was killing her, it was an environment where she couldn't survive because of the abuse of our ex. I am the embodiment of the things our ex was super-hateful towards that weren't old-Sev. Old-Sev was everything our ex was angry and bitter and jealous of not being, and old-Sev tried so hard to help our ex to have success of her own. She didn't want that though, she just wanted to destroy old-Sev so that there would be no one having what she couldn't be.
**End Trigger Warning**

No one else in the system is telling me I can't be myself or that I'm not welcome. I think there's still discomfort about my disinterested nature, because the majority of this lifetime the host has always been very passionate, and I'm out with greater frequency lately. If I just let myself like what I like, even though it's "basic," I would probably be helping the whole system as well as myself. Even in this, I'm very unlike the rest of the system: nearly everyone else is okay with who they are, and old-Sev was always of the opinion that it's best to be who you are, no matter how weird that makes you compared to others. She embraced it. I struggle to, and I think it's because I'm not weird, except when compared to the system. Like that isn't good enough, even though old-Sev wouldn't judge if it's sincerely what someone wants and likes.

I miss her so much.

Blanca

i. An integration within the system!
ii. A newly-discovered child alter
iii. Treatment going forward
iv. Final thoughts for now

So much is going on.


i. An integration within the system
First thing, hello! I'm new-Sev, or Sev3, or I was even thinking about going by Seve here to distinguish myself from Sev. When Sev first split off of old-Sev, it was with the intention of healing us enough so she could reintegrate into old-Sev. Once we remembered this objective, it had been so long since Sev had split off that she'd gained new interests and capacities - grown away from old-Sev - and it was difficult trying to merge the two.

After months of gently trying, it worked. The two integrated, and now I'm here.

Being alive again is overwhelming.

I first appeared on Saturday night and was so overwhelmed and excited that, although I tried to post here, I just couldn't get through the post. I also needed to spend time with my system - especially after I read what Blanca had written here a few weeks ago.

ii. A newly-discovered child alter
In the meantime, we've also noticed a child alter whom we hadn't realized was their own separate self. We'd felt this child's need to be taken care and need to chew or eat. The alter is very quiet, doesn't ask for anything, is constantly aching, tired, and needing to chew or have something in mouth, and towards the time we went to bed last night started crying. We noticed that the alter could really use a snuggle, so we got our main stuffed animal that we've had since childhood (we have a few, but this one is the favorite). It was okay, but not really what the alter wanted, which was more like to be held by a bigger human. Given the alter's need for touch, lack of speech, and chewing fixation, I suspect this alter might be very, VERY young. I was able to be co-conscious with the part last night, though we still don't have a name or much identity. I think she's a girl, but I'm not sure. We previously thought our 5-year-old boy was the youngest little, but I guess probably not.

iii. Treatment going forward
With the body's mother out of town and the integration that resulted in me, we've stabilized enough to want to move forward with trauma processing/etc again. In our session this week we asked our T about what next? She's a trauma specialist, but we're her first multiple client, and she said she feels underqualified to help us towards our goals of partial integration and better communication. She suggested either she or we reach out to a DID/OSDD specialist, at least to consult about moving forward in treatment. Her consulting would be to get guidance on how to help me, my going to consult would be to determine whether we'd like to add a specialist to our treatment team and see both Ts. We're going to talk about it more in depth next session, but I'm leaning towards having our T consult with the specialist and us not have to see them. We know others in system want to vet the person, at least screen them through an email inquiry and then have our T go consult, but others just want nothing to do with it and there's at least one who wants to go and not have our T consult at all - more intensive vetting, I suppose.

T has been able to help us as much as she has so far mostly because she's consulted with colleagues who've had multiple clients, but who are also not specialists (we misunderstood her previously as saying she was consulting with specialists, apparently not the case), and from our system's research and efforts and communication with her and communication attempts with ourselves. We forgot to mention to her that phased treatment just like what she usually does with singlet clients is still the standard, so we'll bring that up when we see her. We collected some resources from ISST-D and did-research.org which we plan to pass along to her. We've already previously sent her a bunch of YouTube resources.

This week I plan to outline what I think treatment might look like, in addition to collecting and sending her the resources I've found. She's sent me some specialists that she's found through her network for my perusal. There really aren't many, and none of the ones she sent list DID or OSDD on their site. I'd be shocked to see someone list OSDD, but it's disheartening to see no reference to DID, only dissociative disorders. We found exactly one clinician who mentions DID on her listing. Our T said that if no one in the area is acceptable, we could see if anyone out of state would be willing to do a phone consultation, but that in-person is better - and I agree.

iv. Final thoughts for now
So, that's where we are. I'm hoping that my return will give us stability even through the return of our mother. We didn't exactly have a system leader, so to speak. Sev was managing things, but she wasn't formed to take care of everyone. Other adults were taking care of known littles, but those adults had trouble having energy without the body and home being really well cared for. There was a lot of disagreement about moving forward, in part because many parts were waiting for my return. It's not really the same me, but I'm a better version, just like we'd intended when Sev broke off.

Blanca and M are still having a hard time, and many parts of the system need therapy and trauma-processing. I think we'll be better able to manage living this life together while attending those needs though. While the Sevs were still separated, it was just too difficult.

Speaking of living this life, we have a lot of things we need to do today and we already had a late start, so I'm signing off for now.
-Sev3

Got some vanilla wafer type cookies at the store for our new little today, then curled up on the couch to play a game together and listen to a podcast. She's very shy and didn't say anything, but I think it went over well. I know she likes grilled cheese and pbj, but right now we're not able to provide those for her because it's difficult for us not to compulsively eat bread so we just don't buy it.

I'm doing laundry right now and just checking in with her to say hello and that I'm thinking about her, but without pressuring her to talk. Just letting her know she's allowed to and that she's allowed to express wants and needs, and that I may not grant every request, but that it's still okay to ask even if the answer will be no.

I guess integration has turned me a little bit into system mom, but in an actually good way. It feels good, not exhausting, and I think I'm behaving more like a mom is supposed to instead of like how the body's mother was.

I'm also noticing that I have a much better sense of time than anyone else in the system, and I think that's something that we've been aware of as a whole, but everyone has their own struggles with. I realize that time is moving, but it's not too slow or fast. I don't feel stuck. I can feel good about getting some things done without completing everything we can remotely think of.

-Sev3

Exhausted.

Saw the body's brother yesterday, he was having a possible medical problem and needed someone to come over to make sure he stayed okay. We ended up talking for several hours and Sev3 noticed that the conversation was triggering, but felt up to practicing our coping skills and reassert that she's in now and not the past when he was a danger. He's done a lot of therapy and work on himself, and mostly it's been okay talking to him. M wanted to flee the moment stuff started getting remotely into that territory, and Sev3 was good about this in that she noticed and acknowledged M. That helped M to stay calm and not push to the front. After awhile though, it got to be too much, and while Sev3 held her own very well compared to any past instance, she came to the conclusion that it's still not safe to talk to him about certain stuff. She did set that boundary right then and was direct about the fact that she was in this state - hard not to be, because she was suddenly crying in delay and stuttering. We've never stuttered that much before. It seemed like an improvement from the past. Previously we would have just gone silent and gotten out of there as quickly as possible. He asked if there was anything he could do in that moment to help me to calm down and was understanding when I said what I needed was to leave.

Took a few hours to fully calm down and go to bed. Woke up angry. Alter who likes to take on various appearances of abusers has been very active today and keeping anyone from fully fronting for very long today. Unfortunate timing, as there are still some days left before the mother returns and we thought we'd have the whole of her away time to function well.

Been really avoidant of social engagement today too. The alter who takes on abuser appearances is keeping us from reaching out to anyone, saying horrible things about why we shouldn't, things we've done incorrectly which invalidate us socially. She has very black-and-white thinking that I don't agree with, but she still refuses direct communication as herself.

We can't even honestly tell her that things are safe now so she doesn't need to protect in this harmful way, because we still have contact with family who isn't safe and it's mostly after contact with them that she comes out. Her methods only feel punitive, but I think she means it to be a style of training. It impedes our functioning though, she's like a coach who pushes you so hard that you can't even move for days.

Week was going well before this. Connecting well with friends, possible romantic prospects. She's been trying to poison our perceptions of all of those experiences. Different parts in the system who are working in collaboration have been doing their best to talk back to the negative spin. It's a little helpful. We've been making efforts to do external world things too, despite this part's attempts to keep us from interacting even with our apartment. The dysregulation has made it difficult to stay focused on anything for long, but we did okay.

I feel like we should have made more effort to talk to her while things were quiet, but we just wanted to move life things forward while we were uninterrupted. There was fear that the effort would delay everything else. Frustration of having too many of us with different priorities and not being able to agree on the order and it changing from switch to switch. Now that there's a better amount of collaboration we really need to improve our methods for making these decisions together.

-some tired crows

A communication barrier went up between the rest of the system and me (Sev3) on Saturday. I've been getting bouts of intense feelings from inside, but without clear explanation or even knowing who the feelings are coming from. This was after a friend admitted to having a crush on us - and she knows we're multiple and is respectful and curious about it. Her confession caught us off-guard and I've been trying to figure out whether we actually want to date her.

Today our little who is age 5 and who is our deepest hearts came out co-con to talk to me. He declared a no on dating her. I still can't hear anyone else right now, but if he says no then that's pretty well decided in my opinion. This makes some sense with what I've been able to tell. The barriers went up because there was a lot of disagreement and need to process and consider. This friend is really lovely, great, fun to be around, easy to talk to, and very pretty. I also had never considered her romantically before this moment, and it was a shock and I think there is at least one part who is interested .. but I don't know who. It's not me, but I'm not closed off to it.

I think in the past we've felt like we have to accept whatever and whoever comes our way, and so if someone we weren't interested in came along but they were interested, then we went with it. We have a part who makes do with the least amount of good treatment from partners and who can drum up feelings from nowhere.

It all feels very bad. I'm exhausted from this and have a moderate dissociation headache. Glad I'm seeing my T today.

-Sev3

I will likely be leaving my T soon. Trust has been eroding over the past month and I think she is getting triggered to the point of doing her job poorly. I argued with her yesterday because she didn't communicate something a month ago that would have changed the choices I made in moving forward. I'm glad it only took a month to find out. I'm furious that she won't own her mistake and was implicitly blaming me for not understanding when she was too timid to directly say what she needed to.

I have started reaching out to new Ts. The first one isn't taking new clients right now and I'm waiting on a response from the second one I contacted. If she doesn't reply within 24-36 hours (we haven't decided yet) or if she isn't available then I will send an email to the next. While these Ts list treating dissociative disorders, it isn't clear who among them treat DID/OSDD.

Other than this, things are okay. I plan to send out resumes this week.

-Sev3, with Blanca nearby

Sorry your current T has done that to you.

Good luck with the search for a new T, we hope you find one quickly that's compatible & has the experience to help.

And good luck with the resumes!

V2

Thanks V2! We appreciate the well wishes

I'm sorry that's happening with your current T. Trust is really the foundation and without that, you have nothing. (Except probably attached littles--which can be a problem...)

It sounds like you're on top of trying to find a new one, so that's great. Keep us posted.

Thanks Gangs. Luckily our littles aren't too attached - only one of the young ones has interacted with her at all. Sev was the main one who attached, and the attachment has been different since Sev and old-Sev integrated together to become me, which was about a month ago also - just before the communication error took place.

As a note, I'd be more concerned that the two are related, that I didn't understand because of the integration, but all of the recorded evidence from that week combined with my memory tells me they're not...and there are other reasons trust has been eroding, particularly for M, our teenager who is the first to notice threats.

As an update to all: the second T replied and she has experience with both DID and OSDD and is willing to discuss treatment options with us! We replied this morning and are waiting to hear back on scheduling a phone consultation, hopefully for tomorrow or Friday afternoon. Normally I would prefer in person and she gave us the option, but I actually have a good feeling about this.

-Sev3