Sudden silence after first T appointment

Hey,

Once again I am confused.
We had a first T consultation last Wednesday. I was freaking out a bit in the morning, because I have a tendency to pretend that everything is great, even if it is not. But I am really aware that we need help.
But eventually I do not remember much of the appointment. It is very blurry (I kinda guess, that someone else was present). I just remember the last 5 minute when, this T told us, that it is good that we want to start a therapy and that we have a next appointment in two weeks, but it also feels way more like a dream, than a real experience. The suspected diagnosis on the letter he gave us (so it wasn't a dream after all), is moderately severe depression (which does at least fit some of us).

The really scary thing is, that all the fragile communication in my journal and also some attempts inside, that we had established in the weeks before, suddenly stopped after it. No entries in our journal or elsewhere, no voices inside. Complete silence. A really creepy silence, as I am realizing now, because I am way more used to the noise inside my head than I was actually aware of. There is still some loss of time, but the traces of others are missing now and I am also more present than usual, especially on weekends.
Only other things I have, are an ongoing headache and nightmares of completely loosing sense of my self or being trapped in Kafkaesque labyrinths (really hate the former ones. Feels like mentally suffocating and then just disappearing into nothingness).

I am really not sure, what I should think about that. Did the appointment scare away the others? Do they try to shut my out, because I am the reasonable denier? Is it a sign that the T is not a good fit? Or just that others don't want me there? Or that actually -I- am scared and try to shut the others out unconsciously?
But I also ask myself if I did just imagine everything and actually no one does "exist" at all? Everything feels so wrong that I am actually not sure, if I should post here after all.

Did anyone of you experience similar things? Sudden silence and also doubts, especially when you tried to get some help?

Kiran

We've had times where it's gone all silent. ANd yeah, that can lead into thoughts of self-doubt and uncertainty and questioning if its real. Which can in turn scare others away so it stays quiet, and it becomes an unpleasant spiral for a bit.

I think, give it time and continue trying now and then to communicate through your normal methods. Seeing the T was a change, and changes can be disruptive, so it can take a little while for things to settle back down again.

It could be some of the possibilities you mentioned, or it could be something else entirely, or coincidence. No point fretting over that just yet, but do keep trying to communicate and the others will start responding again sooner or later, and you can maybe find out what happened.

Good luck.

Violet

this so normal after first T appt. as if anything with DID is actually normal.......

patience and self care.

I used to spent all my spare time in the inner world, and now that I'm actually just started therapy and after so many years started to pay attention to ME and us as a whole, not only to some of my parts as individuals, it has all changed. I visit there sometimes, but my thoughts don't fly free like I'm used to. They feel way more distant for me now. After my first appointment with T, even when that was just about if we are going to work together, one part was severely anxious. I felt it just for a moment, but I ques it's understandable they don't want any outsider to come and mess their lives.

When I'm in their word, I am them, one of them, but when they are in contact with me here, they are clearly separate from me. And now that I've been mostly in here, they are not as close as they have been. But in our case, I don't think it was actually them who went away, they are where they have always been. The change happened in me.

Today we draw a picture of the structure of our mind, and T's point of view in that totally makes sense. I've been kind of "scared" to go in to their world at all, but stay in here and respect them as separate persons, but I think it kind of changed now, with what I maybe learned about them today. Not the respect part, but the reason why I've stayed here.

T is someone who is in a way "entering" the system, getting to know things about it others don't know, and help system in healing process, and it is big stuff, T is a big thing to the system. I think it's more than normal for everyone to be on alert first. System is used to dealing with everything on it's own, and T is going to change the dynamics. Ts don't want to make their clients dependent on T, but to continue on it's own, just with better coping skills, but it can feel very intrusive.

Thanks for the answers, on behalf of Kiran. I think it was at least partially him, who created the silence himself, just to unconsciously proof to himself that no one other exists. And then he disappeared and I woke up, confused, but definitely not in doubt about a lot of others, because there are evidences everywhere, and there is me..

I feel like being about 16 years old, going to school, having not much responsibilities and a lot nerdy hobbies, but here I am and find myself living in a big city in an other country, with a job, responsibilities, and plans which are not mine. In a body with an other gender as well, although that is in some way okay (if it weren't 20 years older than I feel, and this scratching beard ), because I identify more as a-gender, than female anyways).

Autumn (using that as Nickname for now, not sure if I will stick to it)

it's strange at first. but it gets easier.