Winter is coming

I think this topic is relevant for a lot of us if the how are you today is anything to go by. And of course it would be because so much pressure is placed on the importance of family and we'll how many of us have positive feelings about that. And traumatic memories of this time of year in many ways would be worse because everywhere we looked when we were kids we would have seen depictions of the perfect family and that they was something missing for us.

This is the first year I will have understood what's happening to me and I'm already starting to understand things that didn't make sense before. Since my crisis started a few years ago I realised I don't like this time of year. I'm constantly triggered and overwhelmed and my functioning had deteriorated. But before that I would have said I like winter I'm happier and and more relaxed and more myself. And I of course I never questioned that because I was fairly stable.

Since the other day when I had the 3 bad panic attacks things have been different then they have in the last few months. The walls in my mind that separate us have grown stronger and we are more divided and separated, communication is non practically non existent. I'm not sure my thoughts can reach any further then Z and backup. Z because she is the only one I've been able to talk to and backup because she keeps sharing knowledge with me.

When I try reaching out to them I just get overwhelmed by dizziness not physical dizziness but like this feeling that my mind is swirling around and about to drown. And when Z just fronted to post in the protectors thread it was like I was being smothered so she could come forward. And I know I often get suppressed when the other front but it feels right and natural and this didn't, it felt oppressive.

Also my memories are gone. Like all of them I don't even remember yesterday. But if I think about something all this knowledge just pops into my head so it doesn't really matter that I don't remember because I still know what happened. And I can only assume that backup is responsible for giving me the information because that's her job but she isn't communicating either. And because I don't actually remember I'm questioning the information I have and doubting thing. And if I try to dig at the knowledge to get to the memories I get the sinking dizzy thing again.

So I think I used to like this time of year because we were more apart and it felt freeing and then we weren't because Nixie was fighting against being isolated and now she isn't fighting we are more apart but now it feels bad because I know to much and I'm fighting against it. But at the same time questioning if this is real and if I'm making things up because I don't remember the others but I miss them and know I should remember them.

In a way I like Winter cos it means the neighbours aren't about or in their garden. don't have to be careful over whether back doors open or they'll hear/see me 'talking to myself' (if I'm answering thoughts sent from others). Most of my neighbours around my back garden or older or disabled so if its freezing out they're gonna be tucked up inside! ... gives me a bit more freedom to walk round the garden in the snow as the dog loves to chase snowballs!

On the other hand Christmas lost its magic for me when my mum died many years ago and my dad didn't want to make any effort for xmas for us. Just when things were improving and I had a family (of sorts) via in-laws, they got divorced and I've never seen any of the in-laws since. Sibling has had another partner since but again just get used to them and they've split up, a so called friend made it clear she didn't see us as ONE of her best friends recently when we had considered her our best (and only) friend for years at a time we were already depressed from losing 'Spirit', so it's looking like a bleak xmas.

I'm thinking of getting a new puppy to bring new life into the family as current dog is 7 and he brought the same 'life' into the house and to my older dog when he arrived as a pup and livened things up. But on the other hand there's the switch to UC to go through, there's Brexit and don't know how that's going to affect things. (deliveries, getting money out of bank, etc) especially if it also snows late next March as it did this year (I'm 'Up North' been snowed in a couple of times in winter and powercuts are common here). I've a feeling it's going to be a tough and long winter!

When I was a teen and still living at home with my parents, I used to hate summer. I hated all the sunny days, and the fact people expect you to be happy then, and I was severely depressed. Being in the sunlight was kind of weird experience, I just didn't belong in it. Like a subtle depersonalization, like a bat brought to the daylight without it's will, and I had no ability to tell how I felt. I just needed to play along. I loved those summers when it just rained and rained and I didn't need to be around happy people and no one expected anything.

It's been quite a few years since that and things are different now. Now it is the winters that are hard. I live up north too and here it's very dark at wintertime, and it has clear impact to my overall mood. I'm planning to buy a bright light lamp and try if it helps.

I don't like Christmas at all either. We spend it because of my sisters kids. It comes at the worst part of the year and I would really not have energy to any of that happiness either.


At this age I'm starting to get sick with all playing-to-be-happy things, when ever they are. What ever it is, I probably do not like it. I do not like any celebration or party or anything such. At wintertime especially I just wanna be left alone, and have a right to be cranky if disturbed.

I'm sorry for people who find this time of year triggering. I just find it garish and overstimulating when everyone's banging and flashing to get your attention so you'll spend money, and crowds will trigger me to panic. I just try to avoid the noise.

NyxX what your going through is normal and it will be ok. when things get bad for me I call it the fog. I'm really disoriented and lost day to day. oddly though - it's when I feel the most fine. I would really say don't push it. birdsong and Johnny jack helped me to understand that it's not just some horrible terrible thing that happens to me ( the fog). its a coping mechanism. they asked me to really introspect and see what purpose it serves. I realized that when I am extremely stressed the fog keeps me functioning. I don't know what's going on. I just follow the routine. now I get up. now I go to work. now I pick up the kid. now we eat dinner. now it's baths and bedtime. It actually preserves the stability by compartmentalizing my stress. it seems like it's a bad thing, but I've learned to accept the fog. and just have faith that it passes. I don't think you are experiencing this per se. but instead of fighting it just relax for a bit and think about why this happens. could it be preserving your functioning? insulating or protecting you in some way? maybe winter is hard and you become more compartmentalized to cope with that. just journal and practice your self care. eat right, drink water, take your vitamins, go to bed. get fresh air and exercise.

I struggle with the holiday season. basically all souls thru about Valentine's. I think of it from equinox to equinox. so I know that when the fall equinox comes that I need to scale back my calendar and enjoy the harvest season. after Halloween, I lock up shop and get ruthless on my self care. and I know if I can make it to the spring equinox I will bloom again. I have also tried to create my own traditions with my kid that we can look forward to. that helps to ground and give a sense of rhythm to the season. and in writing this it reveals that my best coping secret is routine and rhythm. I have my daily routines. and even a yearly routine. sticking to the routine is like the rock that keeps me from drowning. even in winter.

remember - spring is coming too.

-- Sat Sep 15, 2018 11:36 am --

yes, myce. I struggle with that too. I find the blatant materialism revolting. I get real upset about it so I just ignore all news and social media. I also have a special passionate abhorrence for diamond commercials.

I think it is protective because it started with the panic attacks I still don't know the reason for. And the body was feeling seriously bad so someone's emotions must be seriously bad. But knowing its protective is what's making me want to fight it. I don't want them to be hurting and alone. We isolated Nixie with her fear and pain for many years because we didn't want to feel it and I feel that was unfair on her and I'm scared we are making someone who is hurting deal with it all alone and I don't want that for us.

-- Sat Sep 15, 2018 6:35 pm --

I promised them no one ever had to be alone again I don't want to break that promise.

I remember one Christmas that was absolutely magical. We didn't get new toys during the year except for Christmas and I remember being so excited the night before Christmas Day. I remember stepping into the living room the next morning in my pajamas with my two younger brothers and it looked (to me) like a toy store had dumped itself around the tree. I was so thrilled. So amazed.

I have never forgotten that morning. It is a wonderful memory in an otherwise difficult childhood.

I look forward to getting a tree and decorating my condo. It is such a pretty time of the year.

Winter is not our friend. We tend to get depressed in Winter. We love Autumn though, it's our favourite time of year. The whole "It's the holiday season, be happy, be happy" crap we could happily do without. Xmas in our family is a command performance thing we've endured for years.

everything from the start of november until the end of january is very hard on us. i'm really hoping i can spend christmas with my partner instead of having to either spend it alone or with family but money and time are an issue.

So I'm in bed wondering why I can't sleep tonight and what is causing the intense chest pain that is starting to irritate me. I realise it's almost our birthday and sure enough as soon as I realise that my heart starts to thump so hard it feels like it's trying to escape the body. I'm not sure if it was already beating but I hard and causing the pain or if thinking about unhappy things started it.

I've got no awareness about f any others right now and if I try and reach out to them I'm stopped by the not really real dizziness we get, so I don't really know who is feeling what or why. But someone must be feeling something for there to be such obvious physical manifestations. I just want it to stop things like this have been happening to much the last couple of months and I'm sick of it.

I want it to be the new year all bloody ready. But I don't even have anything to look forward to anymore because the zip on my work coat broke so I'm spent the money I was saving for the owl thing on replacing the coat.

And we are sleeping more then usual but feeling less rested (more then usual means a little over 5 hours most nights) so how does that work? If just want everything to be done with. And now someone bi's crying and I still don't feel anything.