Journey Thread: Ponyta (Ups & Downs)

Ponyta wrote:We are sorry we have been reclusive lately (not on here much..... or replying like we used to). We are still in a very bad depressive state....but we are safe.


We have tons .........upon tons of worries. Tons of stuff is really bothering us. That is not helping anything at all.


I'll probably create a new topic to ask about some of those worries. I'm not sure. All I know is that everyone is NOT doing good. We all feel bad that we have messages that we still didn't reply to. Please....we hope you'll forgive us. We're very sorry. We just haven't been ourselves lately. We're still grieving. It still feels like a horrible dream. We are so horribly depressed.

We really hope you'll forgive yourselves for not replying. It is absolutely okay not to reply, and doubly so when replying is too much to handle. Please take care of yourselves and forgive yourselves for not operating the way you wish you were. The forum will still be here when you're ready to post more regularly, and you still don't have to reply even then. It's okay to release the obligation.

-some Crows

Ponyta, no one is obligated to answer anything to anyone. This is SUPPORT forum, for your support. It doesn't give you any jobs you NEED to do. It's for you to decide. If it feels like a job, you don't need to do it. We all know normal little things can feel like a job when you're not doing well. It's not insulting.

Thank you Floralie, and some Crows! I greatly appreciate your reply!


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Update:

Well.....unfortunately things keep getting worse. Found out that there is a whole other world.....in our inner world. Super confusing. Some kind of "shadow world". I met the "shadow version" of Bandit, David, and Yondu. I don't mean to be mean....or any offense to them.....but they seriously creep me out. They are seriously scary looking. Not sure why.

I posted a topic about a tattoo....because somehow shadow Yondu put a tattoo....or some kind of marking on my arm.

Supposedly Shadow told me that he knows how to remove it. I told him that I don't want it removed. Mainly because I don't want to be mean to those that gave it to me in the first place. I want to try to get to know them better. I feel like removing it would be rude to them.



I'm having very bad issues lately with feeling like I'm losing my mind.

I'm sorry things are so hard right now, Ponyta. Were you able to work things out with your T? Or to find a new one? When things are stressful for me, I often feel like I'm falling apart, and it has helped to have my T's support.

Thank you TheGangsAllHere! I greatly appreciate your reply!

We're still having some issues with trusting our T. We did find a new one....but we don't see them until near the end of July. We're still going to our current one until then. One of the reasons (not the main reason though) we're getting a new T....is because they don't really give any advice.

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Things are really bad right now. I mentioned about the shadow world. Well.....I'm not sure how to solve this problem. They hate each other. Say for example: Shadow Bandit, and "Regular" Bandit. It's not just them though. All of them from the "main inner world" don't want anything to do with those from the "shadow world"....and vice-versa. There is even a shadow version of myself....which I met today. She hates me. I'm torn. I feel I should feel the same way towards her.....I do kinda....but yet....I feel bad for her.

I want to try to help bring our two worlds together.....but I'm not sure how. My inner friends are mad that I'm messing around in the shadow world. Also the shadow version of me told me that I'm not welcome there (in their shadow world). Shadow Bandit/David/and Shadow Yondu told me that I'm welcome. So I'm not sure what to do.

It's all just a mess right now.

How would you even get two sides that hate each other (with a passion)....to even begin to like each other? I do believe there are some similarities between them.....but to even get them to knowledge that fact is a long shot. I know this is going to be beyond hard to do.

Note:

Weirdo saw the shadow version of his self today. I never seen him as mad as he was near him. To be fair though....the shadow version was being really horrible towards him. It's like they know just what to do to upset us the most. Then again......I think that maybe.....the "shadow version" might be some part of us that broke off.

I have no clue....but I do know that Shadow Bandit wants my help with something. He didn't say yet......but I know he wants help with something. So does Shadow Yondu/David.

trying to find common goals or values is a good start to getting everybody on the same team. and just saying. I care about you. I love you. I want to make sure you get what you need.

Hey- thanks for the advice BeccaBee! It's greatly appreciated!

-- Wed Jul 03, 2019 1:53 am --

Ponyta wrote:Weirdo saw the shadow version of his self today. I never seen him as mad as he was near him. To be fair though....the shadow version was being really horrible towards him.

That was really rough- but- now I feel bad for him. I've been trying to get to know him better. I just wish the others could do the same. I know how they feel however. It's very hard to get along with them at first. From what our host discovered- however- I believe I know why they're being so miserable. I hope to help our host- help them.

I'm not doing so good lately. I don't know what's going on....but I feel numb at times....like I can't feel anything. I believe one of the others are trying to block the sadness. Other times I'm so unbelievably sad.....but yet I don't understand why. BUT to make matters even more confusing.....I do know why (being I'm very sad about our dad) I'm also very sad and worried about a whole lot more.

Still though I don't feel right. I'm blanking out a lot again (losing time). Can't remember stuff. Forget what I want to do seconds after thinking it. Forget where I put stuff a second afterwards. A few times I'm holding that said object.....but yet don't realize it. Something definitely is wrong with me. Weirdo and the others can tell. They told me they can tell. I just don't know what.

All I know is...there is a whole other world in our inner world. Our T thinks it just developed (due to our mourning). I don't think so. BUT yet could it? If so...then maybe there's others..... no one knows about .....that also came to be.

I just don't know what's wrong. Shadow came from that world though. So did Nightcrawler. If it wasn't there in the first place.......then how did they get here? Plus stuff is making more sense now. Weirdo warned me when I first met him.....to avoid the shadows. Someone else told me to watch out for the "Dark Side". I had no clue what it meant......now I do.

Anyway.... I'm allowed to enter the shadow world. NONE of my friends (from the "main" inner world).....are allowed there. So I have to enter there by myself.....

The land is very similar to the "Forbidden area"......I mentioned a while back. Different.....but very similar. It's more like a barren wasteland of dark brown "Sand?" I don't know what it is exactly. It looks mounded like sand....but it's brown like really dark dirt. It's fine and dusty to touch....but also really rough. It's very hard to describe. All I know is that nothing will grow there. I tried to heal the land. I got a couple of things to sprout.....and then they wilted.

I had a really strange thought about having to reach it's heart.....but yet....WHAT? It's ground. Then again......the "Forbidden area" healed itself by me talking to it (reaching it's heart). BUT it was/is alive. I'm so confused.

I feel crazy. I feel as if I'm losing my mind. Everything is so confusing lately. We're so busy and a lot of us are depressed. I don't know. EVERYTHING is STILL a major mess right now. I feel awful this very second.

Oh....and there's definitely someone who is affecting me. They go dormant or something for awhile....then I feel them again. By the strength of the feeling....I would say they are male. I got a horrible feeling I had to hold back earlier today. "I" felt like punching our T. I would NEVER do that. Something's definitely wrong. You know what.....just by saying that....I have a hunch why that is.

I just feel right now that everyone thinks I'm crazy. I feel outright awful.

Forgot to mention that I'm having bad dreams again. All of these "issues" were getting under control....now it's becoming bad again. Not sure what's wrong.

I have a feeling that the guy......in my dream last night......was someone from our inner or shadow world. I never saw him before though. I just have a feeling based on how he acted/talked.

Just wanted to show and share our support for you guys at the moment, it sounds like a tough time for you all.

When we were reading it struck us with the 'hate' thing...that hate is a really strange thing... It's cheesy to say, but love and hate are so so different in many ways, but are also really quite similar in other ways. It's almost like a circle...its hard to explain...but it's like...with hate, what you hate, you also have a lot in common with. Its how you connect that makes hate so bad.

Ok, we're not making too much sense to ourselves...but...well, in hate there is energy, and a warped sense of passion. But, there is energy, and there is passion (even if warped). These things you can work with, and move with. I guess, what some people sometimes get wrong is that hate probably won't transform into 'mild not-caring-ness', it will probably transform into friendship, care, perhaps love?

Well, thats our thoughts anyhow...


Wishing you guys the very best with it all


Pastella