Journey Thread: Ponyta (Ups & Downs)

sleepingwolf wrote:Just wanted to show and share our support for you guys at the moment, it sounds like a tough time for you all.

When we were reading it struck us with the 'hate' thing...that hate is a really strange thing... It's cheesy to say, but love and hate are so so different in many ways, but are also really quite similar in other ways. It's almost like a circle...its hard to explain...but it's like...with hate, what you hate, you also have a lot in common with. Its how you connect that makes hate so bad.

Ok, we're not making too much sense to ourselves...but...well, in hate there is energy, and a warped sense of passion. But, there is energy, and there is passion (even if warped). These things you can work with, and move with. I guess, what some people sometimes get wrong is that hate probably won't transform into 'mild not-caring-ness', it will probably transform into friendship, care, perhaps love?

Well, thats our thoughts anyhow...


Wishing you guys the very best with it all


Pastella

Thank you....Pastella! We greatly appreciate your reply!

Something seriously creepy happened when I was taking a shower last night.

So....I somehow became co-conscious with Weirdo (my brother....in the inner world). This co-consciousness was A LOT different than before.

Like for example: I could see his arms when I was washing mine. Weirdo was creeped out.....like I was. He said he doesn't know what is happening. He said he would finish the shower. He said he could see his ENTIRE body...as well as my own. YIKES!

Neither of us know what happened. That was very uncomfortable for both of us though.



We were wondering if anyone had any ideas on why this might of happened? We're still creeped out by that. It caught us off guard. Oh....and I forgot to mention.....this "episode" lasted until we woke-up today.

Ponyta wrote: He said he could see his ENTIRE body...as well as my own.

We experience this between certain pairs of alters. In our system we understand it to mean that communication is getting much better between those parts, so, it's likely good progress! This can put you in a good position for more seamless collaboration between you and Weirdo in the external world! Once you get over the newness it actually can feel very natural. I recall Pixie and Zor going through something similar-ish in the past few months, so maybe they can chime in about their experience? Maybe I'm misremembering.

You and Weirdo getting better communication and subsequently experiencing this sort of co-consciousness feels like a natural progression to us, from having followed your journey threads: there have been periods where you and Weirdo have been trading off who is the main front.

(this next bit is from Wednesday's post)

Ponyta wrote:All I know is that nothing will grow there. I tried to heal the land. I got a couple of things to sprout.....and then they wilted.

I had a really strange thought about having to reach it's heart.....but yet....WHAT? It's ground. Then again......the "Forbidden area" healed itself by me talking to it (reaching it's heart). BUT it was/is alive.

I think this is a really good instinct and you should follow your gut. In the external world, soil can be rehabilitated with new minerals and microbes to grow things, but it also just gets very difficult to nurture new things to grow during winter when it's cold, which can be considered like sadness in a metaphorical way. The warmth of love can melt ice, emotional nurturing can improve the fertility of the land. In a broader sense, when you show a part of yourself love, you heal that part. When you show yourself love everywhere, you heal more wholly. This part seems to need a lot of love right now to reinvigorate growth, and when that part starts to heal then it can help to show more love to other parts - cascade reaction. I hope we're making sense, we're writing in a dreamy state now.

-Sev3 started this post, but it seems that C' is here too now. Maybe others.

SeveralCrows wrote:

Ponyta wrote: He said he could see his ENTIRE body...as well as my own.

We experience this between certain pairs of alters. In our system we understand it to mean that communication is getting much better between those parts, so, it's likely good progress! This can put you in a good position for more seamless collaboration between you and Weirdo in the external world! Once you get over the newness it actually can feel very natural. I recall Pixie and Zor going through something similar-ish in the past few months, so maybe they can chime in about their experience? Maybe I'm misremembering.

You and Weirdo getting better communication and subsequently experiencing this sort of co-consciousness feels like a natural progression to us, from having followed your journey threads: there have been periods where you and Weirdo have been trading off who is the main front.

(this next bit is from Wednesday's post)

Ponyta wrote:All I know is that nothing will grow there. I tried to heal the land. I got a couple of things to sprout.....and then they wilted.

I had a really strange thought about having to reach it's heart.....but yet....WHAT? It's ground. Then again......the "Forbidden area" healed itself by me talking to it (reaching it's heart). BUT it was/is alive.

I think this is a really good instinct and you should follow your gut. In the external world, soil can be rehabilitated with new minerals and microbes to grow things, but it also just gets very difficult to nurture new things to grow during winter when it's cold, which can be considered like sadness in a metaphorical way. The warmth of love can melt ice, emotional nurturing can improve the fertility of the land. In a broader sense, when you show a part of yourself love, you heal that part. When you show yourself love everywhere, you heal more wholly. This part seems to need a lot of love right now to reinvigorate growth, and when that part starts to heal then it can help to show more love to other parts - cascade reaction. I hope we're making sense, we're writing in a dreamy state now.

-Sev3 started this post, but it seems that C' is here too now. Maybe others.

Thank you. Your reply made sense to us. We found it to be helpful. Thanks again!
~Bandit

Trigger warning


I feel absolutely crazy. I'm not sure what is wrong. I need help. I just can't- and won't ask for it. Actually I do know what is wrong. I feel worthless. I feel ignored, misunderstood, and once again worthless. I hate Shadow. He's the worst of all "insiders". I don't like any of them- including our host. I feel "outsiders" aren't much different. I HATE being so miserable. I feel nothing will change. Change is lost on me. It might've helped the others- but it's hopeless for me. I'm a reject. I felt I always was. I feel I still am. None of the insiders want anything to do with me. Weirdo just said that's not true. I didn't ask for your opinion- Weirdo. Yes- I am mean. That's only because the world's been mean to me. I have tremendous anger- and no way to let it out. The others call me "Psycho". They think I'm dangerous- but I don't want to hurt anyone. I just have horrible thoughts. I need help. I came out today- but it's highly unlikely I'll be back out anytime soon. I just feel that worthless. I feel no one cares. I would sign my name- but my name is not important

We need help. Not sure what is going on....but our inner world is a mess again. Okay.....so I knew this was coming. I could tell.....based on the sequence of past events......BUT this is bad.....A LOT worse than I anticipated.

I (the "main host") got trapped in the inner world for part of the day......so did Weirdo (which is scary.....I thought that couldn't happen to Weirdo). I thought Weirdo was the strongest one (being able to prevent/help switching, blocking, etc.) For him to be blocked is scary. I thought only the protectors could "block" each other if needed......

Anyway.....that was a horrible feeling of trying to take control....but not being able to. The guy thought it was amusing. I'm not sure what his problem is. I believe he is the one who wrote the last entry......based on what he said (especially regarding the statement he made about Shadow). Long story short.........It was thanks to Shadow Bandit that we were able to retake control.

Luckily this guy only seems to be dangerous....on the inside. On the outside.....based on his entry....he doesn't want anyone to get hurt. Still though.....he *Possible Trigger warning* ...... due to mention of violence..........slugged Weirdo in the stomach today. Weirdo didn't want to say anything about his pain.....but I could tell he was in agony....based on how he was holding his abdomen.

Shadow and Wolverine were missing. I was horribly worried about them.....but luckily they are alright. They were somewhere working on something. I told them what happened.


Everything is a mess. This guy isn't the only one causing problems. UGH! Not again! If it wasn't bad enough that the outer world problems haven't been settled yet.........UGH! This makes things all so much worse. UGH!

Ponyta wrote:

Trigger warning


I feel absolutely crazy. I'm not sure what is wrong. I need help. I just can't- and won't ask for it. Actually I do know what is wrong. I feel worthless. I feel ignored, misunderstood, and once again worthless. I hate Shadow. He's the worst of all "insiders". I don't like any of them- including our host. I feel "outsiders" aren't much different. I HATE being so miserable. I feel nothing will change. Change is lost on me. It might've helped the others- but it's hopeless for me. I'm a reject. I felt I always was. I feel I still am. None of the insiders want anything to do with me. Weirdo just said that's not true. I didn't ask for your opinion- Weirdo. Yes- I am mean. That's only because the world's been mean to me. I have tremendous anger- and no way to let it out. The others call me "Psycho". They think I'm dangerous- but I don't want to hurt anyone. I just have horrible thoughts. I need help. I came out today- but it's highly unlikely I'll be back out anytime soon. I just feel that worthless. I feel no one cares. I would sign my name- but my name is not important

Hi we do care and there is hope for a change to the better too. you are not the first one to feel like this and unfourtunately you wont be the last one either.

Thank you..... TeddyBear the helper....for replying to him. Weirdo and I greatly appreciate it! Weirdo and I are co-conscious right now.

Things are really bad lately. We still are mourning. A lot of them still refuse to believe the bad news (regarding our dad). They think it's just some horrible nightmare that we still didn't wake up from.

Then on top of everything going on in the outer world......I found out about the shadow world.....which makes me feel absolutely insane.

Now this "new" guy found me. New is in quotes because I felt him numerous times before.....he just never fully came around.....until now. I'm not sure what to do. I feel as if I'm losing my mind. I noticed Weirdo mentioned about the fight I got into (in the inner world). I feel bad for the guy. He seems to hate everyone.....especially Shadow.

I have no clue why he hates Shadow so much. Shadow will not tell me what happened between them. All I know is that they are brothers. It doesn't make sense. This guy was going to fight Shadow.....but I stepped in between them (to try to prevent that)....hence me getting into the fight.

Everything is a full out mess right now. UGH! Just when things seemed to be getting better.....It all began....... beginning with the bad news regarding our dad.

Ponyta wrote:Thank you..... TeddyBear the helper....for replying to him. Weirdo and I greatly appreciate it! Weirdo and I are co-conscious right now.

He needs a lot of love and support..

Things are really bad lately. We still are mourning. A lot of them still refuse to believe the bad news (regarding our dad). They think it's just some horrible nightmare that we still didn't wake up from.

Those who believe its a dream are lucky, there is no need to know so just let them believe its a dream until they are ready

Then on top of everything going on in the outer world......I found out about the shadow world.....which makes me feel absolutely insane.

Now this "new" guy found me. New is in quotes because I felt him numerous times before.....he just never fully came around.....until now. I'm not sure what to do. I feel as if I'm losing my mind. I noticed Weirdo mentioned about the fight I got into (in the inner world). I feel bad for the guy. He seems to hate everyone.....especially Shadow.

I have no clue why he hates Shadow so much. Shadow will not tell me what happened between them. All I know is that they are brothers. It doesn't make sense. This guy was going to fight Shadow.....but I stepped in between them (to try to prevent that)....hence me getting into the fight.

Everything is a full out mess right now. UGH! Just when things seemed to be getting better.....It all began....... beginning with the bad news regarding our dad.

It was a big loss i am really sorry for that
However, that the new guy came forward was a good thing, its some problem right now, but so was it when all the others came too.. but you managed to be friends with everybody anyway. you all have a big warm heart underneath everything. You will make it good with him too as usual

Thank you..... TeddyBear the helper.


We are way too tired right now to write much...but I wanted to log that I found out something new today. Something about the shadow world. Way too tired now to go into detail....but I know this info will help. Also.....I think.....at least I hope.....I managed to bring Shadow Bandit, and Bandit together. They seemed to be "friends" today......I hope they'll keep being friends. It's nice that Weirdo and Shadow Weirdo get along.