When all alters are dorment and communication fails

Hello all!

Kind of new here even tho my profile says I've been here since 2015. I actually went to make a new account when I discovered I alrrady had one, I don't even remember posting on here...

I've been in therapy for a year and a half and finally I felt safe enough to tell my therapist about my experiences and that I think I have DID/OSDD. I don't know how I'll get a diagosis I just want help. I couldn't ask many questions since we ran out of time but next time I see her I'll be asking a lot about getting diagnosed or what we'll do.. But she asked for me to write down some info about my alters like their names, ages, personality for us to talk about next time.

My alters have been dormant or at least very well hidden for 4 years. They only come out when I am under extreme stress, and since I have been getting better obviously they haven't... But I've hit a wall in therapy and I realized I can't leave them behind in the healing which is why I made myself talk about them. I think even though I haven't been able to directly communicate with them (except for a few times) in he last few years, they may be blending or communicating in indirect ways that I couldn't notice because I would just ignore anything I thought was that... Because it scared me.

But now I'm trying to get back with them. Communicate openly and show them I'm trying to help. But it's been... Really hard. I've read through a ton of threads here and information elsewhere. I'm journaling, meditating and trying to have internal communication. So far only 1 has communicated and I can't keep myself from thinking it's my imagination. Everyone else has been... Just images or feelings.

I know all I can do is keep trying but I'm really worried now that I won't get that level of communication back. I've written letters of appology and tried to welcome and comfort them and let them know it's safe for them. I've eased off because they got mad and told me to back off (again though I had trouble not thinking I was imagining things). Any advice?

I know it won't change like the flip of a switch but I was hoping they'd come back out once I opened up... I am also worried they can sense my underlying doubt still and so they are mad at me or do not trust me. This is the most confusing thing ever. Thanks for reading.

Hello. The underlying doubt, thinking it's your imagination is part of the condition. It's normal. If they're telling you to back off, might it be because they're trying to keep you safe? You're doing better than before, and things could become less stable if you communicate with your alters. I have found that it is a good idea to trust your inner protectors, and let them show you what they want to show you. If they are sending you images and feelings, then that is their communication.

i can really relate to this. communication is a big problem for us right now. i only became aware of the others over the past year (and conveniently forgot until i found proof of it recently that i had been aware of an alter in my teens). there have only been a handful of switches, a few conversations in a journal, some mixed internal communication (that i often get denial over, as it's hard to tell sometimes if i'm talking to anyone or not). for the most part, it's me stuck at the front on my own.

we've figured out over the past few months that there is an alter who is controlling who gets out, what we remember, stuff like that. it's likely a protection-based thing, but we're still not sure of their true motives. my theory is that i am the Designated Avoidance Alter - it's my job to keep the body alive, to go about day-to-day life as if the past didn't happen. i don't "need" memories or full awareness to fulfill that task. by prying into how the system works, what we've forgotten, who the other alters are, i am breaking the "rules". i only realised over the past month or so that the re-occurring denial breakdowns were always after making certain realisations about the system or the past, and because these breakdowns were always followed by memory loss i end up repeatedly making the same realisations and then forgetting them again. this prevents me from ever making progress.

the important thing is trying to avoid searching for "proof" - that got me running round in circles for over a year. i would find "proof", i would be thrown into denial mode over it, i'd forget it, rinse and repeat. i would try and force communication, desperate for proof of everything, and it pushed everyone away. denial will be a constant, regardless of how much "proof" you have. the thing that helped me deal with denial is going "even if i'm not sure what's happening, it's definitely something". i have a tendency to do black/white thinking, so i'd end up going "was that an alter communicating or was i imagining it? the communication wasn't very clear, so it must be imagined, but then it doesn't seem like i imagined it" and i'd go round and round in circles instead of acknowledging what even happened in the first place. it's okay to not be 100% certain about something, but seeing something as "not real" because you aren't 100% certain isn't helpful either.

i hope all that rambling helps somehow.

raptureblues wrote:my theory is that i am the Designated Avoidance Alter

LOL, and yes! That is a more accurate description than "Apparently Normal Part." Designated Avoidance Alter, DAA.

i would try and force communication, desperate for proof of everything, and it pushed everyone away. denial will be a constant, regardless of how much "proof" you have.

Desperate and yet avoiding, a paradox of our condition. And the alters say, we are not here to put on show. We are here to hide. It was/is necessary for the Designated Avoidance Alter to not be aware. The Day-child cannot know what the Night-child knows because it threatens their survival. But when it is time to heal, then the Night-children will make themselves known in their way. It is the job of the DAA to pay attention and work on breaking their own fixation.

What you "imagine" is happening inside you, pay attention to that.

myce wrote:

raptureblues wrote:my theory is that i am the Designated Avoidance Alter

LOL, and yes! That is a more accurate description than "Apparently Normal Part." Designated Avoidance Alter, DAA.

i would try and force communication, desperate for proof of everything, and it pushed everyone away. denial will be a constant, regardless of how much "proof" you have.

Desperate and yet avoiding, a paradox of our condition. And the alters say, we are not here to put on show. We are here to hide. It was/is necessary for the Designated Avoidance Alter to not be aware. The Day-child cannot know what the Night-child knows because it threatens their survival. But when it is time to heal, then the Night-children will make themselves known in their way. It is the job of the DAA to pay attention and work on breaking their own fixation.

What you "imagine" is happening inside you, pay attention to that.

Preach!

B

myce wrote:I have found that it is a good idea to trust your inner protectors, and let them show you what they want to show you. If they are sending you images and feelings, then that is their communication.

Thank you. I let my anxiety and doubt get the better of me and this was really important for me to hear. I apologized to them and told them I'll try to trust more of what they're doing instead of pushing so much.

raptureblues wrote: my theory is that i am the Designated Avoidance Alter - it's my job to keep the body alive, to go about day-to-day life as if the past didn't happen.

That's my perspective on myself too, I know it's the ANP but I like calling it the day-to-day functional part.

raptureblues wrote:i have a tendency to do black/white thinking, so i'd end up going "was that an alter communicating or was i imagining it? the communication wasn't very clear, so it must be imagined, but then it doesn't seem like i imagined it" and i'd go round and round in circles instead of acknowledging what even happened in the first place. it's okay to not be 100% certain about something, but seeing something as "not real" because you aren't 100% certain isn't helpful either.

This is EXACTLY how I am and how it goes for me! It's a relief to hear I'm not alone in that... Thank you. I'll try to take your advice to heart.

[quote="myce"] the alters say, we are not here to put on show[quote] funny this is what they told me when they got angry and finally communicated. "we're not a party trick" I felt terrible to know they thought I was treating them like that.

Thank you for all the advice. I hope I can actually put it into practice and just relax and let them talk when they want to. It helped a lot to hear it from you.

Just try and keep remembering that you aren't faking. It can be tough at times, the only real advice I can offer is just keep trying. I know it's ######6 hard, but by keeping trying you are showing them, that you aren't giving up on them.