*TW* Internal abuse

last night an alter got hurt inside. someone else inside - the one everyone says is "in charge" - hurt them because they'd broken the "rules" by letting me go inside. i've been desperate to try and communicate and figure things out lately, and i feel like lain (the one who got hurt) felt sympathetic and did something last night they "shouldn't" have done. i can't stop thinking about it. are they actually hurt in some way? what happened last night, is it "real"? i can't word that better, i'm sorry. i don't mean that this alter isn't real, or that what happens inside can't have any "real" consequences, it's just hard for me to process what happened.

i don't know whether to process it as something "symbolic" or "metaphorical", where what i "saw" inside was simply a visual to pair with the "feeling" and "intent" of the whole situation, or whether it was "real" and what i "saw" actually happened, where lain actually got hurt. i don't know whether what i saw was a "threat" to shut me up, so it wasn't "real", it was just a set of images to scare me, or if what i saw actually happened, and it was a very "real" act of abuse against lain and i.

i'm even more at a loss about how to navigate this whole thing than when i started. i don't want anyone to get hurt because of me, but equally i can't leave things as they are. the "one in charge" doesn't want me to pry into things or make anything change. that scares me. i'm out of my depth with this.

i don't have therapy now for 3 weeks and i feel like i should play it safe and keep my distance from inside, but we're flying to see my partner next week and i know someone inside desperately wants to come out to see his boyfriend (one of my partner's alters), and i'm worried things might go wrong again.

We haven't had an experience like this at least not that I am aware of so my advice is threatical and you need to take into account the importance of stability especially when travelling.

Regardless of whether what happened is real or not the emotional fallout from the experience is real. It is likely the "one in charge" is acting in the only way they know to keep the system safe and aren't adapting to the fact your world and life have changed. But that being said unacceptable behaviour is unacceptable no matter how well intentioned. And controlling others through pain and fear is unacceptable.

So I feel like backing of will tell "one I'm charge" this is how they get what they want. And it will be telling Iain that if he takes a risk to help you or anyone else in the system he will be hurt and abandoned for it and make him less likely to try in the future.

thank you, i'll focus on keeping us stable. when i next have therapy i'm going to try to raise what happened and find a way to navigate this situation as safely as possible. i definitely don't want lain or anyone else to get hurt again. i don't know how successfully lain will be able to keep other alters from trying to front, especially jones, and i don't exactly want to stop anyone from fronting, but considering what happened the other night it looks like we're going to have to be very very careful about it.

Hi, I really like it that you put some of your words in quotes and wonder whether it is real or not. It resonates with me so much. I hope your system can be friendly inside with all the quotation marks.
When you are ready, I hope what you "see" can be like "theatre", it is you, your history in theatre inside. Then there can be things that "hurt" but don't actually hurt because you know it's a dream and you're all actors. The inner system mirrors the environment that shaped it. But I don't know if this is helpful or safe for you, and it's new to me.

When I am going to sleep at night, sometimes alters become more active in my awareness. There are "demonstrations" to show me inside the system. One of the ones doing this has the ability to really hurt me if they wanted to. I know what they're guarding and why. This one is a Body Alter, and they're guarding details about the emotional abuse that separated the Fronts and Sentinel. But they are friendly and they show me what they want me to see.

In one of my half-sleep dreams, I (Front) got angry at Sentinel for harassing me all day while I'm at work. Then I dreaded that I had done something horribly wrong and dreaded retaliation from the system. But they were friendly. It would seem that Front0 had betrayed Sentinel in our trauma, so the Front's ability to get angry was removed entirely. Is it true that it was my own system and not the abuser who did that? They say yes, I was allowed to ignore but not betray the protector. But it is the same as the abuse, I could try to ignore but not show anger to the abuser.