The Attachment Issues Support Thread (TW)

I think you should tell your partner how your feeling because sometimes a little reassurance goes a long way and maybe they want some from you but are scared to say as well.

****trigger warning little being scared****

We (well Nixie) have made huge progress with forming attachments. Objectively I think it's only a little progress but for her this is huge. This feels convoluted as well so I might ramble a bit or add in things I didn't really need to, so sorry if it's confusing.

So after Pixie gave Nixie a bit of herself and took a bit of Nixie's pain and appointed Big ZuZu to be Nixie's protector instead of hers things changed a fair bit for us and everything got calmer and quieter at least from my prospective. And then we had the panic attacks and now I'm only allowed to communicate with backup and she doesn't really communicate much. So I've been worried about everyone and if they are all OK and now I kind of have at least part of the answer.

Last night I was going through my normal routine before sleep and I was holding my monkey and owl bears while I read. I wasn't feeling settled enough for sleep but it was about 2am so I decided I had to try anyway. So I got up put my tablet on the side and went to have a wee before sleep (because that's part of the routine.)

When I came back the owl was missing usually I'd just shrug it off because I still had the monkey and look for it tge next day. But we started to panic and desperately trying to find it and ended up waking Ozalces. Ozalces woke up grumpy and groggy but helped me look for my owl and then fixed the covers while I held the owl and I was being very specific about how they had to be. And then I realised I had lost my monkey who was much easier yo find. But non of this improved Ozalces mood understandably.

We got back into bed to go to sleep finally. I sleep next to the wall and window with Ozalces between me and tears door because that usually feels safer with him as a kind of shield. But last night I just felt trapped and panicky still. So I ended up climbing out the bed over the bottom of the bed frame and nearly headbutting the wall because I couldn't climb around Ozalces because of was so scared right then.

And then I'm rushing into tge living room shoving stuff everywhere because I needed a place to hide. It was absolutely essential I find an immediate place to hide. I ended up squeezing myself under the computer desk. And it's at this point I start to recognise my feelings and actions as ones that aren't really mine but I still had no control over what was happening Nixie did. It's her need to be small and unseen and hidden and she was the one driving our actions and I was just an observer.

And non of this is progress its what Nixie used to do when she escaped and fronted before my crisis. I never used to understand then what was happening and why I couldn't stop it and I hated myself for being manipulative by behaving like that and would just suppress that part of myself and lock it away as soon as I could in the darkest corner of my mind. So I'm watching as Nixie try to make us as snail as she can to hide better thinking oh crap this is what I was afraid of all that progress has been undone.

Ozalces comes in at this point to find out what all the noise is about and immediately realise I'm scared and tries talking to me and to get me to come out and to go back to bed.

And this is the progress bit. Instead of panicking more that he can see us and is trying to talk to us she talks to him. She asks him to move away from the door and tells him she can't come out because she needs to hide because she is scared. She tells him she lost the owl and then he got mad. Ozalces told her he isn't mad with us and he is just grumpy because he is sleepy and he is sorry for scaring us and asks again if we will come out from under the desk because its not good for us to be squished in there. She tells him no again tat she is scared and needs to hide. So he offers to sleep in the living room so I can go back to bed and she tells him no the room is to big for hiding. So he starts talking about places and ways he can build a den and she immediately starts calming down because he is gonna make a hood hidy place and asks if he will hide with her. He agrees and now we have a bed cave made of 3 sheets saftypined to the curtain pole and bed frame and each other. Nixie came out from the desk to help make it. She handed him the pins while holding her owl (it was ours before but hers now.) And once in the bed cave she leaned against Ozalces shoulder.

And that is huge progress in the past there would have been no talking and no asking him to hide with her most definitely no touching. She would have just been overwhelmed by fear and pain and would have felt like she was about to be sucked into oblivion.

And today while I was out in the rain thinking about how to explain everything I referred to the owl as she in my head and that was a WTF moment because all my bears have always been male. So backup filled me in a little. The owl is Big ZuZu because owls are our lucky animals and protect us (there is another story for that but this post is already long enough) and Big ZuZu is Nixie's protector. But Nixie can't find or reach or talk to Big ZuZu because we are in lock down. The owl helps her still feel safe and connected to her protector because as long as she has it Big ZuZu is still inside and can do what needs doing to protect her even if they can't talk or see each other right now. So when she couldn't find it she started panicking and feeling like she had really lost Big ZuZu and then she thought Ozalces was mad at her because she nearly lost Big ZuZu.

Also Ozalces was nearly late for work because of all the drama in the middle of the night and we feel guilty for it.

Wow, NyxX, that sounds like great progress!

We saw the T today, and talked about attachment a lot. I had been feeling kind of disconnected, sad, and lonely for the past week, and I wasn't sure why, and some of the littles were feeling like seeing him doesn't help and just makes things hurt more.

During the week between sessions, we want to remember the connection, and remember him sending warm feelings to us, but when we're there, it's very hard to let ourselves just stay in the moment of being connected, in the pauses between speaking, and not try to deflect it by talking about something else, or looking away.

This past week I've been reading "The Haunted Self," and the chapter on how therapists are supposed to approach the phobia of attachment and of attachment loss was REALLY helpful for me to read. It gave me a little distance and perspective on the overwhelming attachment needs of the littles.

That's big, NyxX, hats off to you and to Ozalces! Are you ok now?

When we're alone, we cry almost every time we see/smell/hear the ocean (nearby). We're getting attached to 'life'. And we find comfort in that. It feels like that. We love, love, love the ocean. And the birds. And the trees and flowers. Everything.

Young Er's and Ex's

Thanks both of you. I'm not really very connected to the others right now so I'm not sure if Nixie is OK I think maybe she is because yesterday after work I was carrying around the owl everywhere and I wasn't feeling upset or frightened just very clingy and me and Ozalces talked about lots of things and again no getting upset.

Gang I'm sorry your not feeling very attached to your T right now I know ow you have talked before about how positive that connection often is for you so I hope it can be again.

Bejer becoming attached to life sounds really good.

NyxX wrote:Thanks both of you. I'm not really very connected to the others right now so I'm not sure if Nixie is OK I think maybe she is because yesterday after work I was carrying around the owl everywhere and I wasn't feeling upset or frightened just very clingy and me and Ozalces talked about lots of things and again no getting upset.

Gang I'm sorry your not feeling very attached to your T right now I know ow you have talked before about how positive that connection often is for you so I hope it can be again.

Bejer becoming attached to life sounds really good.

Not getting upset in those situations sounds really good too, that's great after that pretty big happening you and Ozalces handled great.

And thank you, yes, life feels better and better:)

NyxX wrote:Gang I'm sorry your not feeling very attached to your T right now I know ow you have talked before about how positive that connection often is for you so I hope it can be again.

Well, I'm feeling more attached after yesterday's session than I was before it. I have more memories of him looking at us with good feelings. Fondly, I guess. And hugging the stuffies that we bring there and home again. I guess the idea is to create a hugged feeling in me, but without any physical contact. In "The Haunted Self" they talk about a T helping to create something called "felt security;" that it's an important goal in therapy.

But the time between sessions feels SO long to the littles. I have a rule about really trying to wait until Sunday to have a text interaction with him, and even that seems to them like such a long time to wait. The reason is to have time to figure out how we're feeling, and figure out what we should text him that would be most helpful to them. Sometimes it's just for Little to say hi, and sometimes it's for Oliver to have a question answered, or for Nadia to be reassured about something. Or for a bunch of them to just ask if he is still there and still remembers us.

Feeling forgotten is the hardest feeling for us. I think maybe because it affects more of us or more of us feel ownership of the feeling.

TheGangsAllHere wrote:Since this thread is supposed to be for support, I think it would be kind of cool if people posted about either their little (or big) successes in taking a risk with connecting so we could cheer for them. Or posted about risks they are thinking of taking, for reassurance and encouragement. Just an idea.

We think that this is a great idea. Thanks, Gang.

Charity and others

-- Sun Sep 23, 2018 8:58 pm --

TheGangsAllHere wrote:

MakersDozn wrote:We ourselves (that is, 75 percent of our system) are very introverted. Our trauma history and our life stage tend to make us even more so.

What about the 25% that isn't introverted? Isn't it really hard for them to not get the chance to interact and be more socially active?

I'm asking because I have one part (with support from a couple of others) who loves to perform, and many others who have a lot of fears about that. Their fears ruled for many years, and I really didn't even know about that part or that I could make it possible for her to do what she loves to do. It has made a huge difference to have taken the risk to let her out and to let her do some of that. There's a lot of grief about not being 20 anymore (although I wouldn't have been emotionally capable of doing it then), but we're doing as much as we can. It's VERY difficult and we have to overcome a lot of internal obstacles, but it has been really helpful to start to learn how to get out of our own way.

We're not sure if we mentioned our theater days in this thread, although we know we've mentioned it in other threads.

I/we mainly wanted to say that even though 25 percent of our system [Mathematically, that's 11.75 people, and what do you do with .75 of a person?--Laura] is extraverted, not all of the extraverts are close to the front on a regular basis. This may or may not make a difference, but I feel compelled to mention it. Allegra and Joseph are the only extraverts who are at or near the front regularly.

Allegra handles many of our social interactions at work. Joseph simply enjoys life.

Charity