For systems with SO's

Could you tell about some rules you have in your long term relationship or marriage with the alters that are not in a romantic relationship with the SO? Or about how you treat each other and how much freedom they have of being openly present and doing their own thing etc etc. How do your SO's take it if these alters front and any information of value really.

For most of the time we have been with Ozalces we knew nothing about DID or even dissociation so there weren't any rules. However my parts have never hidden themselves from him, sometimes they have been dormant and inactive. But when they fronted they were just themselves. Ozalces always adapted his interaction with us based on our 'mood' to varying degrees of success. He would do things like braid Pixies hair play fight with ZuZu, snuggle watching a film with me stuff like that.

The rules started a few years ago when Nixie permanently broke free from whare she was isolated. We didn't understand what was happening and ended up thinking it was delayed onset PTSD because I knew it was connected to my traumatic childhood and the only condition I knew of connected to trauma was PTSD.

So the rules were all about trying not to trigger me, but it was confusing because something that triggered me one day wouldn't another. So rules were things like asking before touching me and that ended up becoming no casual contact because it was easier. The lack of touch was hard for Ozalces because he is very tactile and for the first decade of our relationship there was no issue but suddenly I was having panic attacks over it.

I remember reading about delayed onset PTSD and it saying about an experience that triggers the memories. But that didn't seem to fit because everything in my life had been going well. I had a job I enjoyed and wasn't stressful our relationship was going well no worries or stress with anything. And it felt like because everything had finally been going well that part of me decided now I could deal with all the things I'd been suppressing. But that didn't help either of us because we didn't really understand what was happening and I felt guilty for ruining our lives for no reason and Ozalces felt like he had done something to trigger me. However we were clear with him that he hadn't done anything and I was being triggered because of our past.

Things didn't really improve until earlier this year when I learnt about DID and started communicating with my parts. We learnt that the fear was coming from Nixie and that she didn't see the world the way we did. And the rules became less about avoiding all potential triggers and about helping Nixie not be scared. Which in practical terms isn't very different but there was more understanding and more acceptance. The rules are starting to ease off because Nixie is fronting less and being coconscious less and when she is around is starting to learn the world isn't so scary anymore.

When I started seeing my current T I told her that I felt my crisis began because everything in my life was going well and I didn't understand why and she said something about it probably being because my life felt safe enough to heal. I shared that with Ozalces and that seems to have been something he needed to hear to let go of his guilt (because me telling him didn't seem to do the trick.)

I don't really know if that answers your question. So now I've explained about how our relationship has been affected I'll try to answer the question. He responds to my alters based on how they interact with him so he might ignore Z and do his own thing or they might be sarcastic and joke around. With the littles he will treat them like the kids they act like doing kids things together. Ozalces places no restrictions on our freedom and has said one of the things that first drew him to me was how full of life and excitable Pixie is. So even while they aren't romantic with each other they are very close. And he views himself as friends to us all even if all of us wouldn't say the same about him.

The only rules we have have revolve around personal safety, keeping daily life moving (kids to school etc.), and being respectful of others (inside and out).

At home most prefer to hide from the outside kids, but a few don't mind and even interact with them. A few more will interact with the kids as long as I am there to keep things from getting out of hand.

Emmy really wanted to bake cookies, but needed an adult with her so she could do it while fully fronting. I did that with her a month or two ago. Lou likes to play a Dr. Suess memory matching game and have books read to her. We do one or the other once a week or so. AJ enjoys spending time with me on crosswords, logic puzzles, and working on a truck she claimed. Meg is independent, but appreciates when I help. Several others are too timid to come out by themselves. I try to give each of them time to avoid, "letting their jar get empty." Several enjoy drawing, coloring, painting, etc.

I guess the above could be summed up as we let them come out when they want as long as they follow the basic rules above. Those that don't want to come out on their own, I try to accommodate so that they get time out to.

I only have a romantic relationship with Sunflower and LR, though AJ enjoys cuddling with a crossword puzzle.

Of course, each SO is different. Some are accepting, others not as much. Zor has a recent post talking about his SO not being accepting... I've offered to several to talk to their SO's, via PM, if they have questions and extend the same to you and your SO.

me and my partner both have DID so i guess our rules are a little different because of that, but we have set boundaries and we're as open as we can be about things.

me and my partner are just dating each other right now, but we also have two alters dating each other. i've only just started trying to figure stuff out DID-wise, and 99% of the time i'm stuck at the front on my own with huge communication issues to deal with, so it's been a little hard on both me and my partner's alter because he misses his boyfriend (an alter in my system) and i miss that alter from my system too, not just because we were just starting to become friends recently but he also helps out with things when he is here and it's hard doing that alone.

we've also set rules for intimacy in general. we've both dealt with trauma so it's something we have to navigate by default anyway, but we also have boundaries for who's present fronting-wise and stuff like that. this can sometimes be difficult because we're both aware that fronting isn't very clear cut sometimes, especially during perceived vulnerable moments, but we manage as best we can by being open about when we're suddenly in a co-front or can feel someone present and what to do about it.

so far i've made friends with a few of my partner's alters, they haven't had the same opportunity due to my specific situation but i'm hoping we can work on that eventually. this definitely helps with navigating our relationship, making sure everyone feels comfortable, stuff like that. i'm the host and i'm stuck at the front nearly all of the time, but for my partner they're not the host, no-one else in their system is either. my partner simply fronts the most. this requires some careful navigating because it means my partner isn't fronting all the time, but i've made friends with the ones who typically front most often alongside my partner, so even if i miss my partner i appreciate the company of the others and let them all know that it's okay. my partner's system currently functions on the basis of switching to share the burden of day-to-day living, so i'd never tell my partner they have to be there all the time.

i think that's an important thing to clarify with stuff like this. the concept of "favourites" and demanding certain alters front is something my partner's system has unfortunately dealt with in the past with a previous partner, so i've tried to be very clear that i don't see things that way. obviously my partner is my partner so there's an inherent difference there compared to how things are with my partner's alters, and obviously i miss my partner when they're not fronting, but because i've made friends with at least some of the others it's manageable with good communication and honesty.

in general we communicate a lot. whenever one of us feels anxious or upset or uncomfortable, we openly talk about it and figure out ways to make things better. it's hard because we're both used to being forced into silence, "shut up and deal with it", that kind of mentality, but we've been able to be open with each other more and more and it really helps.

i hope all that rambling helps somehow.

Thanks for your replies guys. I guess it's not really the advice I was looking for but I don't wanna be more specific.

SOHank wrote:Of course, each SO is different. Some are accepting, others not as much. Zor has a recent post talking about his SO not being accepting... I've offered to several to talk to their SO's, via PM, if they have questions and extend the same to you and your SO.

Could you please direct me to the post about that? Couldn't find it. I told the SO he could pm you if he wants..

It was on the protectors thread page 40

dissociative-identity/topic170737-390.html

Thank you

Our biggest rules regarding relationships with our husband is don't intentionally bust out during someone else's time. He works hard at making sure everyone who wants time with him gets it, without that person's permission, regardless of the nature of the relationship. If it's not someone's scheduled date time, then whoever wants to front can front.

Example, Val is new, so she and our husband are in a "getting to know you" stage. So she had all day yesterday to be out with him. Liytle wolf wanted to say hi, so Val let her have some time, even though it was Val's day.

One person is not allowed to speak badly of any of the others to our husband (name calling, put downs, trying to cause trouble).

The ones not in a sexual relationship ship with him have to understand that we are monogamous to our husband, and they can't go date other men. This has never been an issue, thank goodness.

If something specifically belongs to another person innrge body, don't use it without permission. Britney has a coffee mug, and it's JUST hers, for example.

Really, it's all just be respectful of each other, and of the relationships with the husband, regardless of the nature of the relationship.

Our husband never pushed any of them into anything. He waited and let them get to know him, and let THEM decide what kind of relationship they wanted from him.

Another rule, if one has a problem with another, they're supposed to try to talk it out. The husband will help if one comes to him with a problem about another.

No sabotaging school (B did this once). Anyone who wants to help/participate is allowed (and I can always look in my jorevooks to see who was fronting on any given day in a class). BUT they aren't allowed to block anyone from watching, and the frontier HAS to make the ongo available to all, so that whoever takes the test has access to the info. The one exception to that rule is the history class, B takes that class almost exclusively, but has to keep me in the loop so I can sit in when needed.

Everyone has the freedom to open be themselves at home with him. And they each know that. He colors with Lilly (5.5 yes old). And since we live apart during the week, on Wednesday nights he reads Anne of Green Gables to her over the phone. When we're at home he makes time to read her Pheobe and Her Unicorn" comic book with her.

Britney loves cigars, so when the weather gets cooler we hang out by our fire pit, have a good fire going, and B will smoke a cigar with our husband.

He just had a date with Val, they cooked dinner together then watches Deadpool 2.

Hope this helps.

Kitten