Single Parent, Primary Caregiver, and DID?

is anybody else on the forum a single parent and the primary caregiver?

just curious. that $#%^ is hard. wondering if anybody else is juggling the same $#%^ I am. it's ######6 exhausting.

Ánd you work fulltime. We couldn't find the strength to do all that while being aware. We think you're bad-ass.

I think the biggest reason for being so exhausted in our case, was keeping ourselves from becóming aware and carrying everything alone. So vent and rant whenever you need that! Here, in your journal, in the future with a T again maybe, etc.

I actually this about this issue a lot. My story's weird but I am a single parent. I adopted a teen with DID who's now in his 20s. He's mostly not working though he has and would if there were a workable job. We've both agreed this is okay since he is working on himself. He has healed a lot without having life pressures. On the other hand, he's also not interacting with the regular world and people so much. I'm his primary caregiver but he's had two therapy sessions a week for ~5 years so I'm going to include his therapist as helper.

As for my own health, I worked on my own system a LOT more before he was here. I was kind of re-raising my littles, letting them use the body, play, and feel safe. We do that very little directly now but there's undeniable vicarious healing from watching our adults re-parent all of Nic's alters, including his adults.

Having him around causes my system to switch to care-taking mode rather than self-care mode. I've used this as avoidance behavior in the past with individuals who didn't really deserve it. But I've learned how to bond with another human being who I can't walk away from. I always had and eventually used that option. They've all learned to attach and his older alters have realized that sometimes it's safe to trust.

It was exhausting early on but it's gotten less so over time. I would be more of a wreck without therapy. I know this because I've had periods without and they were much, much rougher. No matter the challenges, I would never go back, given a choice. I'd bet you wouldn't either. This gives me a lot of solace. No matter how this happened, this is my life.

I find the hardest thing is working full time while I try to help us heal. We're so phobic of becoming unstable so the work isn't fast. I dream of winning the lottery or somehow being able financially to take a much less demanding job or even to retire, so I could work with myselves full time. But mostly, it is what it is.

I have an advantage you and others don't, of course. Nic's littles and middles are out a lot but if I need more mature feedback on something, I can just ask an adult to front. That doesn't work with real life kids.

Have you thought of making a listing of what causes you stress? What situations, events, thoughts, places? I find that I can feel a lot more neutral about stuff when It's not rolling around in my head with all the negative interpretations like "I'm bad" or "I'm a failure," and I can only see these things objectively when they're outside my head.

If you can identify some patterns, circumstances, times of day, etc. that are most stressful, you may be able to avoid them to some extent. Maybe another list for what pulls you back, what gives you energy when you need it most, what changes your perspective so that even if a situation is tough, your view of it shifts.

You probably have a pretty good idea which of you is better in some circumstances. For us, switching (to anyone willing) still works to get us out of any stuck way of thinking.

BeccaBee wrote:is anybody else on the forum a single parent and the primary caregiver?

just curious. that $#%^ is hard. wondering if anybody else is juggling the same $#%^ I am. it's ######6 exhausting.

Yep!!!
I am married, but we weren't married yet when my DID was discovered. And even though we are married, we still live apart during the week. So I "single mom-it" during the week. And I have no family close by.

K

I'm not exactly a single parent but my husband is away all day every day. The toddlers and I are at home together all day. Son has autism and adhd. Husband is autistic as well. He has his job which is awesome and I'm proud of him. But when it comes to child rearing or household he is clueless. I don't even have a life. Everything is about the twins every day all day. They're awesome though and really the only thing that counts!, but it sure is by far the hardest thing I've ever done.

I hear you guys. it's a variety of situations. parenting itself is hard. and stay at home momming is really tough when they are little and need constant supervision and direction. I hear you. just 15 minutes to myself in the library felt like heaven.

Johnny jack - I guess what causes the most stress is just the enormity of ALL my responsibilities. full time bread winner, home care: cooking, cleaning, laundry, shopping. child care, pet care. bills, errands, routine maintenance on house and car. (non routine maintenance!) medical care, vet care. the FINANCIAL stress of managing it all. then managing myself, my condition, my symptoms. and juggling that all while working on this successful career to provide for our future and her education.
then, being a present parent. being responsive and loving and firm and maintaining routines for her health and happiness. now working to manage her seizures. it's just.....unrelenting.

there may be small triggers but it's this mountain I've been carrying and trying to understand where and how I can lighten, balance, or otherwise manage the load. kid is 10. bright/gifted. wonderful. I am halfway.... i mean I know it's a lifetime commitment but really I'm making progress to that point where she is an adult in her own right.

I think that hands down my biggest challenge is just breaking the cycle of intergenerational trauma and poverty. learning HOW to parent. how to be a parent. managing my symptoms in such a way that I don't lie to her but also don't give her more knowledge than she can bear. not letting my PTSD limit her exposure to the world and situations. like getting her to an amusement park. that was a big goal and success for me to give her that experience.

I know that this is my cocktail. and no one is going to be going through exactly what I am. because this world and life is gloriously diverse. sometimes I feel really alone. no matter how hard I try....I drop the ball on something. i need to take better care of myself, just trying to figure out how.

it's like a sad DID joke that there needs to be two of me. there's a fleet of me's!!! but we share the body and time. and those are both finite, measurable resources. how to make the load fit when the receptacle is too small....?

if I can't make more time then I need to lighten the load I guess. it's a complicated web. hiring a housekeeper adds more strain to the budget. it's like......a symphony. I guess I'll know when all is working in harmony. right now it's still discordant. but I keep trying to find that balance.

I hear you.
My husband and I are managing two households, I'm mainly responsible for the finances her and supporting the house here with my 4 kiddos, and he's responsible for managing the house there, and his daughter.

What kind of support system do you have?

K

a brother across the globe. an aunt across the country. and an ex here in town.

I did have a best mom friend for back up child care but they recently relocated many, many, many states away.

not much. but better than none.

work life balance is ok for america.