safe in memory [journey thread]

**trigger warning - mentions of abuse and neglect**

i think what sets us off so much when it comes to people intruding and stepping in with certain stuff is because we never had anyone do that stuff for us, we had to do it on our own but never for us or for our own sake.

we were badly neglected in a lot of ways. we made food, but not for us to eat - it was for our abusers. we were denied food either completely or certain kinds of food were denied to us as punishment, near constantly. our abusers got to eat the meal we made for them, while we had to somehow gather the energy to make food with limited resources (we lived off pasta and ketchup a lot). we did laundry, cleaned the kitchen, the bathroom, but never because we should live somewhere clean - it was for our abusers. we had to do their laundry, clean their kitchen, their bathroom, it was never for our sake, and it always came with punishments if we screwed up. we were punished if we did stuff wrong, or if we did stuff at the wrong time, or if we didn't do something often enough.

eventually things got so bad with our mental health that we had to start lying and saying we'd done stuff when we hadn't, saying we'd done something earlier in the day when we'd actually rushed and done it at the last minute. we'd get caught lying and then get punished even worse, but we didn't know how else to deal with it. we couldn't do our job properly, so we had to find a way to at least pretend that we did our job properly, and it went wrong no matter what we did.

**end of trigger warning**

so when people ask if we're doing our laundry or if we're keeping our flat clean, it really sets us off because we're instantly defaulting to "this isn't for us, it's for them, we have to do this otherwise they'll punish us". but then it's confusing because we don't live with these people, so we then get angry because it feels intrusive and nosy because it's not even their food, their laundry, their flat - it's ours, so why can't we be left to it. i logically understand why people ask and why they intrude and think nagging / stepping in "helps", because they're framing it as a laziness / lack of habit-forming thing. but with us, it's not that at all.

we're having to learn to do stuff for ourselves, for our own sake, eating because we deserve to eat, cleaning our bedding and our clothes because we deserve clean clothes. that takes a long time, and we're nowhere near that point yet. we are getting better, but it's a slow process. people need to back off and understand that, but i have no idea how we'd explain it so people wouldn't misunderstand.

Could you show your support worker this thread or maybe write them a letter telling them why you struggle with this kind of stuff and that the way they are pushing makes things harder for you and maybe explain how then can effectively support you. A lot of times people don't really try to understand other people and think about what they really need they just see what would bother them and not what bothers you. It's like they don't know how to see what's right in front of them unless someone points it out really simply.

i went downstairs and explained the trauma stuff as generally as i could, when it comes to self care / chores i mean. she kept saying i shouldn't be scared of her and that i should trust her as a professional, she took it really personally when i said i didn't trust her and was scared of her. i tried telling her that it's not personal, i just don't trust people and that she's perpetuating stuff from the past even if it's not abusive and for different reasons, and she didn't understand. she told me she can't let me do things in my own time or at my own pace because "these things need to be done" and she'd be failing her job as a support worker if she didn't push this, which feels really counter-intuitive to me. it's like she cares more about the results and the way the results are gained than actually helping or supporting me, which really sucks.

this whole situation is really triggering and i wasn't expecting it, i'm gonna have to find a way to bring it up in therapy alongside the billion other topics we gotta talk about. i just hope my support worker doesn't start forcing me into stuff or taking things into her own hands, i don't think she's allowed to do that but i'm scared she'll do it anyway.

That really sucks we totally hated it when the first T took it personally when we told her we didn't trust her and got upset and then we felt like we couldn't tell her things because it would upset her. Well like she could never contain her emotions anyway (that's that the new at calls it containing her emotions) and it's suck when the people who are supposed to help you become like a burden instead. And what kind of pissing support worker is so obsessed with results that they ignore the well-being of the person they are supposed to support. I think she is a selfish moron.

i'm sorry you had to deal with that sh*tty therapist, it really is exhausting and infuriating when people are too far up their own a*ss to realise people work differently to each other.

she really is a stupid moron, i tried being mature about it and tried to talk it out and still got nowhere so i'm stuck having to placate her or find ways to make this less of a burden on me. it sucks. she's supposed to be there to help me adjust to living independently again, not burden me with standards i can't adhere to.

weird front moment with jones yesterday, still thinking about it today. i wasn't completely gone and held enough awareness to speak internally but i couldn't move/control the body anymore. it felt like he was in a bad mood and resigned about things, i tried telling him he didn't have to do anything (we were having a shower at the time and i know body stuff is hard for him) but he almost seemed annoyed at me for saying it. he ignored me and i managed to get the front back fully after but he was still around a lot for a little while. i'm trying to figure out where he's at and what he wants but it's hard, he doesn't seem to want to talk about it.

yesterday felt like he was trying to prove a point, but i'm not sure i fully understand. it felt like he was trying to say "see? i can do this stuff", kinda like he wanted me to back off and stop being so concerned maybe? but he seemed really... i don't know, annoyed about the whole thing. i don't know if he's annoyed at me or the situation or both. i don't wanna come across like i'm babying him, and i also don't wanna come across like he has no choice in the matter. i know he wants to front more so he can actually live his life, but he also doesn't want to be trapped at the front and be stuck doing things that remind him of the past, so it's hard. he also finds body stuff hard. i also need a break from the front sometimes, which i don't get at the moment, and i'd like him to front more but not really for that reason.

this stuff's difficult. i think he might be annoyed because i'm hyper-analysing everything and being almost too cautious with him. i just don't wanna make him angry or upset him in any way. i don't know, i'll have to think about this some more.

keep forgetting to update this, which is probably because the denial & avoidance have been bad again lately. gonna make it a list because i'm too tired to write it all in depth.

- lain used a "puppet program" to let jones and themself access the front through me without actually fronting. it felt like i was auto-piloting and i was out of it enough to barely remember what happened. for some reason it was very distressing afterwards. jones doesn't want to front due to the outside body & issues to do with the past but he's getting there with trying to manage it. lain was worried my partner / jones's boyfriend didn't like them because of their role in managing / restricting who fronts / etc.

- therapist said jones could have his own sessions (so he doesn't talk through me) after he expressed the need to me for a space to vent, she also said she was happy to provide help for whoever was out and meet their individual needs, which was really nice to hear.

- massive breakdown in front of support worker, we were dissociating a lot and the outside voice sounded really little but no-one knows who fronted (maybe bubbles?), they didn't know who anyone was and didn't remember basically anything about our life. i've also been regressing to a teenager a lot due to trauma reminders.

- mix of jones fully fronting / co-fronting with me / using lain's "puppet program" the other day, still can't figure out exactly what happened. the both of us also unintentionally set a little off (i heard them crying later that night) with sex-related things. the crying sounded extremely vivid, unsure if hallucination or not (we were very sleep-deprived at the time).

- we're starting to suspect the front was more split in the past but since 3 years ago it's been me fronting near solidly, might be because i'm the only one who is separate from trauma?? or the others were burned out and had to go dormant?? we're not sure

- someone cleaned our whole flat late at night (i was present in the bathroom, then again at 2am after we'd been put to bed by whoever cleaned), i have no idea who did it (maybe lain?), it's very hard to tell who's out lately or how much it's a co-front / full switch.

- alice

our ability to sleep has gone down the drain again and i can't figure out what's causing it because there are so many things that it could be, or it's all of them. we had a really stressful day, we've been super anxious lately, we're getting nausea on-and-off most days. we keep getting woken up by nausea in particular and it sucks - we're often falling asleep and waking up after 2 hours because the body feels ill.

**trigger warning - disordered eating**

we've not been eating well lately (one meal a day, meal is often unhealthy and not filling), we get nausea on-and-off "normally" because of a currently undiagnosed digestive problem (suspected IBS), and we get nauseous when we're anxious, so it's like a game of whack-a-mole trying to figure out what's making the nausea this bad. i've been trying to get us to eat more and eat better the past few days but i know it takes longer than that to readjust after not eating properly.

**end warning**

i know we've had an awful week or two because of our support worker, so we're still wobbly mental health wise, and we've had a stressful day fearing my partner would be stuck without a flight to catch yet again, but they managed to board safely so we need to try and calm down.

if the body is still physically bad by the end of the week, i should phone my doctor and get it checked out. something more could be going on but it's way too hard to tell right now when all this stuff's going on at once.

- alice

we're really wobbly right now. lots of messy co-fronting, bubbles came to the front because i got set off on wednesday, jones has been here on-and-off. it's been hard to stay present, memory's been bad, keep feeling like the past and future don't exist so it's very distressing when reality kicks in.

my partner's leaving today and i can't sleep, i can't stop thinking about the past and getting set off and i had another clear internal voice getting angry at me for thinking about bad things. i want to sleep but if i sleep it'll mean being closer to my partner leaving and having to go back home to our annoying support worker and lonely flat and exhausting therapy and the trigger hell that is december / january. i'm probably not gonna be seeing my partner again until next year and it's really distressing me to think about it.

just not doing good right now.

- alice (& sort of jones)

Hi alice (& sort of jones),

That sounds rough. Do you have a way to calm down and relax so that things don't seem so overwhelming? Meditating helps us, or a warm bath. Also, sometimes when my thoughts are taking me down a road that isn't good for me, we can sometimes notice that and try to ground in the present.

Long-distance relationships are SO hard. My now-husband and I had a long-distance relationship early on, and I had a lot of trouble handling it.

I hope things improve.