Not sure who/which one I am

Hey

In wonder if you always know for sure who you are at the moment?

At the moment I am just sure that I am not Kieran (the one who posted in another thread here and who is apparently very self aware of his own identity) and I do not relate to any of the others who did fill my journal in the last weeks. I also have some problems to recognize my face in the mirror.

I know that I was there yesterday evening when I was 'forced' to participate in a gaming night, which some one apparently promised to colleagues from work. I wasn't in the mood at all, but I realized that I can not let happen, that our social life falls apart completely (it is already suffering quite a lot because I am so scatterbrained and unreliable).
I also woke up this morning with the feeling of being sort of a kindergarten teacher to total chaotic group of beings who were talking and shouting across each other and throwing images at me in my head. Somehow I feel that I have to take care of them and bring some structure to our mind-chaos, because no one else does that.

But I still miss some sort of clear identifier for my self which others of me seem to have. I don't even have a name.

Can anyone relate to that?

Mr. Unkown

I sometimes don't realise we have switched until I realise my behaviour is off. Other times I don't know who is here with me or who is influencing me but I can feel someone. I'm getting better at it but some days it's easier then others.

I think, for starters, you should pick a name.

You could go back to favorite books and pick the name of a character you identify with. You could go to a baby names website and scroll through names by origin, or meaning. You could ask one within your system who you respect to choose a name for you. Or if there is an outside person in your life who knows about your system, ask then to help.

Just my opinion.

Val

We have times of identity confusion where we have no clue who's fronting. Maybe V2, maybe Viola, maybe someone else we don't know, maybe it's a blend of two or three.

Sometimes we can't tell between V1 and V2, and the only way to be sure is by handwriting lol. Like pick up a pen and write something and see who's handwriting it is.

It's not like constant or ongoing, but we've had entire days go by without knowing who's here. It's routine enough that we don't panic about it or whatever.

Hi,

I somewhat relate especially right now. I don’t have a name and I don’t know what my role or purpose is. I don’t know who I am or what I am or why I am. I don’t know or remember when I switched.


**triggering**

I don’t fit into this world. I am lost. I am drifting further and further and as every second goes by I am feeling more and more distance from this world and everyone in it. I feel a black hole pulling me in into nothingness. I revel in the emptiness that is life.

I would like to give myself a name, age, identity but I cannot because I feel I am supposed to be the nothingness. I am no one and nothing but an empty vacuum.

**end of trigger**


If giving myself an identity would make a difference then I choose:
Name: NoName
Age: 00
Gender: Alien
Beliefs: nothingness and emptiness

With us it is the rapidity that we can switch which can be bothersome. Not knowing who is out can be confusing as well. It can happen pretty swiftly. Daria Snow Mona Ligella...

We can be left a muddled mess.

Thanks for your answers

I started to realize, that some parts are quite close to each other and that is why it is difficult to recognize some of the softer switches and even to identify themselves. And also sometimes it seems, that an other one is just "peeking through the eyes" of the one that is fronting and that also can be very confusing at the moment.
It probably just takes some time to get familiar with all the quirks and parts which seems to to define ourselves. The pace at which things are happening at the moment is really high...

Testing the Handwriting is an interesting idea. Will try that out.

Mostly I don't worry who's there so to speak. I only notice when I realise I wasn't "me" (whoever that is) yesterday because I don't remember yesterday or whatever day crosses my mind. Or if a little pops up and tries to do something they can't do because they've got over excited. Or my language changes while I'm with someone so I'm aware of it eg from avoiding swears to swearing every other word. So I notice if someone is with me and it crossees my mind they might notice.

I tend not to notice or focus on. I kind of have faith thst whoever is meant to be there is there. We did go through a horrible time when it was like Karen was dead. We were all really sad but I think she was hibernating because of a trauma. She's back now and a pain in the bum haha but we're glad she's back.

So I suppose I notice more if someone is missing than who is what I call "awake" at the moment. I'm Beth at the moment. But if I hadn't read this post I wouldn't really think about it. I find thinking about it more unhelpful than helpful. Seeing everyone as "me" we all see eachother as "me" gives us a feeling of unity even with clearly different characters and beliefs and vocabulary etc etc

But I don't think I perhaps view this disorder or cope with it how others do? I'm kind of a close to denial but accept it and make the best of it person. I don't face it how others bravely do. I face issues that may arise because of having different ways of being but not really delve into my different ways or try to change them unless they're harmful to self or others, if that makes sense.

We have this problem often, and we find it very frustrating. A good sense of our individual identity is essential to our feelings of stability and security.

MDs

Muninn wrote:I also woke up this morning with the feeling of being sort of a kindergarten teacher to total chaotic group of beings who were talking and shouting across each other and throwing images at me in my head.

Oh my yes.