Not sure what to call this post :)

Hi all, I genuinely hope you all staying strong and doing well!

So I left this site for some time and any sort of presence other than in person contact and communication with those I know in person via text and what's not

However, while I know any sort of online pressence is likely not good for my health I am just struggling too mucb for way too long. Lately, I've been feeling as if I am on some sort of drug like Benzo etc. even though I am not (no offence to those who take it but I know side effects are feeling very hollow and out of it- though we know this is also a regular product of DID). Thing is lately it is on a hige extreme for me and makes me sad and very worried (because my memory is competely unreliable- as if I have amenisa/dementia etc. But of course I know this is just my DID- but honeslty idk where I am going with this I just feel like I'm lost cause and can never be healed/happy)

I have these wierd thoughts/dreams etc so often that I now simply function on 2 distinct wave lenghts- so I can have this whole dilema in my head but appear as everything is fine and hold a convo with someone and/or think about something else completely while this madneszs in my head is still happening).

Because of this all in all, I am no longer losing memory/track of time (i mean this has always been an issue), but I am also losing complete sense of what is real and what is not and my emotions (i.e. from what I read and understand- but please correct me if I am wrong- emptoions/memories become engrainded in the brain together but for me it's now as they become seperate and neither can be truely be linked to what actually happened)

The worst part is I made a real strong effort to quit drinking/pot as much as I can (last month I think I smoked 4 times which is amazing for me), and yet while in some ways so called quitting has helped my condition, in a lot of ways it has actually made it worse)

Anyway, sorry if I am ranting but after a lot of time off just felt the need to come and see if maybe there is someone here who can offer new advice on how to try and beat this and get better, because overall I simply struggle too much for human life

Cheers!

What You are saying leaves me wondering if you are in a state to even care for yourself if you never left home. Please dot take offense. Do you have some caring for you at home? A support system to keep you doing even the basics like bathing and taking meals and water. Have you considered a retreat or hospital? Maybe a runawaywith someone to give you full attention?